Ok, can someone just tell me what is wrong with me?

It is exactly what I feel like she is doing to me.
She makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, when all I am trying to do is be friendly and offer a helping hand.

I know how it feels to think everyone hates you and doesn't want anything to do with you, and keeping that attitude tends to actually cause that to happen many times.

This is so true. There are so many factors - SL is a fast-paced world, people coming, leaving, new people coming; different personality styles; add in all the worldwide cultural ways of looking at life, etc.

For me, I am an only child, thus grew up creating my own fun the majority of the time. In friendships, I prefer one-on-one exchanges and a few really good friends to a lot of acquaintances. Some people thrive on being very social, for others it exhausts them. (Introverts/Extroverts) I fall about in the middle: I enjoy the occasional social activity, but then need to have a good amount of time alone to "recharge my battery."

My time on SL is largely:

*Day: Build, do photo shoots for new products, advertise new products that can take all the time I have on any given day - those of you with large, active businesses, how do you do it??); take classes (that is my main "social" activity), and honestly, I actually enjoy just sitting in my home and catching up on the latest notes, etc. I've received.

I rarely IM anyone unless it is for a specific reason. I have a few people I have connected with that I will check in with from time to time and they with me.

*Night: Spend the evening with my Partner. Sometimes we go out dancing, often in a club where we're the only people there just to "dress up and go out" but he's also somewhat of a loner and we can spend the entire evening in our home chatting.

That's pretty much it. And the funny thing is, when I'm going about especially the day activities, I often run into someone who comments on something I am wearing or asks a question and sometimes it turns into a new acquaintance and possibly friend.

Rhaorth, I'm really sorry, and pushing you away is the last thing I want to do. I did try to say that I didn't intend that comment to be a low blow. What I mean is.. well. Ok. Perhaps "acceptance" isn't the right word. Perhaps the right word would be "validation". The sim may have been nothing to do with acceptance by friends, but the fact that you even got the job was validating.

And validation has always been a downer for me. I remember when I was a newbie being interested in carnival style builds, only to find that another newbie had been given a free sim to build one. Well, ok, they were just lucky right? I thought so, until two other newbies who'd joined and learned at the same time as me both got free 8192s to build clubs. And that was, you know, the first moment I started to realise there was apparently something wrong with me.

But, I mean, free land's an awful big favor and I can't expect that, can I? Then I found out about magic wands in SL, and thought of making one of those too.. until I found that another newbie, again joined at the same time as me, had been being mentored by one of the big existing creators. And not me. Boom boom. And before you say "you didn't ask", well, I didn't ask because he actually had a note on his profile telling people not to. Furthermore, when I _did_ talk to her, I asked why I was left out. She also said "because you didn't ask", but there again, even starting that conversation with her should be equivalent to asking, so if I'd have been invited for the asking I would have been then.

And now this girl I was talking to about the build.. unfortunately I can't name names, but she had a profile describing a role I really wanted to be able to do in SL. I figured it probably wasn't validated either. Then it turned out it was, and I got a bit upset (why validate her and not me?) So my question to her was asking her for validation - which she denied.

Wow, i am gobsmacked.

You are sitting there at your PC whining about what other people got and how you got nothing. My children are 7 & 9 are mature enough to not ever having needed this type of discussion because they know that life is not fair, sometimes not everyone gets a chance, and other times the only chance you get is the one you make yourself.

So what, people received chances and gifts you did not, and you are going to whine in public about it.

The only thing wrong with you is your feeling of self entitlement.

You may as well be crying over the fact that you have yet to win the lotto - whether you played it or not.

Somebody needed to say it.

This is the big one here. Any casual perusal of Yumi's posting history shows extremely long, drawn out verbal wars of attrition with Yumi never giving up ground - always right, no matter the issue - which is how you end up thinking that somehow you are right and deserve more than what you have earned from your own efforts, investment in friendships, business networking, or whatever. When really you are wrong for looking at things through this prism of self-pity.

You have some great advice being given to you by other people in this thread. Instead of INSISTING your way is the right way (which has lead you to start a thread titled "Ok, can someone just tell me what is wrong with me?", you need to sit back, read things, and adjust your life.

Sounds a bit like bitterness/jealousy to me, yumi. The universe does not dispense validation like bubblegum from a vending machine. You have to get out there and work for it and earn your own.

How in the world was she supposed to know you wanted 'validation' when you were there downing your own idea. Again, don't expect to be handed it for free, for 'ideas' - go out and earn it, and let it come of people's own free wills or not at all.

This thread seems not like a genuine request for advice - as Briana points out - but more 'listen to me, I was wronged, and I deserve better.' You've rejected any attempt at advice or another point of view, that others have given you here.

yumi, do you think someone living in a tin shack near the equator, raising five children, never having enough food, standing on their feet all day selling things in the local market, despite having diabetes and not enough or the correct medical care for it, would think you are lucky? So why do you focus on what you haven't gotten handed, rather than the fact you are lucky enough to have this as your main problem to the extent you begin a public discussion about it? How about the fact some people only dream of being able to have the luxury of spending time playing a game like Second Life, or a computer to create on? Or even eyes and hands to use it with.

Stop expecting people to read your mind; stop blaming things on everything outside yourself; figure out how to solve the problems at hand, and get on with it. (Well I could've made this post a lot shorter by simply accusing you of attention/pity-whoring, but I didn't.)

/me steps off wooden box and dusts her hands off, hoping that's that.

I don;t know about anyone else but I am paying close attention to all the advice given here and actually took the initiative to not wait for someone to im me with an invite to see their place (waves hi in case he is reading hehe)

but I went ahead and told him I was coming to visit, and ya know what, it turned out to be very fun, interesting and informative.

We chatted for at least a couple hours, about anything and everything, and I hope we get to chat again.

neither of us were seeking validation or acceptance from one another, we were just simply being two human beings connecting.

If it can happen to me, as much as a negative nelly I was in the past, it can happen to anyone.

Cheers!

No, I'm not refusing to give up ground. I'm just saying that, you know, nothing changes. If I yield in the argument, I'm still alone in SL and unvalidated. That's what I want to change, not to be defeated in some logical contest.



Again, I don't know what you mean there - I've invested quite a lot in friendships. People complain that I only talk about my problems, but that's all they generally talk to me about, and so I figure it's all they want to talk about. Why would I barge in on people who're not interested?



Great! By doing what action?



Downing my own idea should have made it clear I wanted validation because it was for lack of validation that I was downing it.



Because the only other point of view that has been presented is "It's all my fault." So what, I go back and stay alone but now feel lousy about myself too? How does that help?



These were not always restricted chances or gifts. I would never have expected to be given land, but the chance to be in a role? Which somebody else was actually looking for and actually said they wanted? Something funny there.

Also, I'm not whining about not getting the gift.. I'm saying "ok, I didn't get the gift, so I must be worse at X than they were, but what can I do about that?"

Plus, again, it's SL.. it could create chances for anyone. As I mentioned on the other thread, if it had popped up a box saying "build the item now or your hard disk will be formatted", then of course I would have done it.

Yumi, I had a very pleasant chat with you today in world, if you could keep it like that, and not worry about what you do not have and what others are doing, I think you will be a very happy person.

I look forward to going go carting with you (just don't laugh too hard at my lack of driving skills)

and hon, we could all lament about not having what the other guys has... I mean, sheesh, why do some designers get all the breaks and everyone always mentions them when ppl ask where to shop, and not my place, why am I not "validated"?

See sounds silly coming from someone else, doesn't it?

Life goes on, learn to be happy with what you have and keep adding to it, the rest will follow.

(just ask anyone here, how much of a negative nelly I was here, and lord help them and their patience with me...)

Thank you for putting up with me folks I know it was/is not easy!

not sure about anyone else.....
but for me it would not have been clear you wanted validation...
I would have felt you had an idea you did not think would work and would have left it at that

now if you had asked me (not told me) that you had an idea and do I think it would work, that would be different

then when I say yes, you reply with a "why do you think it would work, what part makes it interesting to you?" instead of again telling me it won't work

see the difference?

to the other person, you were not seeking validation, you were telling the other person it won't work, not asking... asking is seeking validation


that would be the same as me saying I have an idea for a new clothing design but I doubt anyone would like it
someone says yes they think ppl would like it
I reply no I don't think ppl will
(the unspoken part is.... so I won't bother to do it)
the other person replies with oh, well ok.

If I said I have an idea for a new clothing line, what do you think
then they said it sounds cool
and I say what about it seems cool to them
the they tell me why, THAT validates it in their eyes only, not mine, not all of SL, that one person

why did you feel the need to be validated by that one person, why would that have made any difference

believe in yourself and your ideas, the rest will follow

People have given you examples of actions you could've taken, can take now and can take in future. You simply haven't been listening - or are stuck on asking repeatedly and getting more attention from it, it's hard to say which.

Do you really expect other people to be your shoulder pet/pilot? It is not ever going to work. That's life, yumi. We each must decide our course of action. We can ask for input/advice, but then have to at least listen to it, digest it, think about it, *and still make our own decision or otherwise spend life as a robot*.



Did you see what I said about expecting other people to read your mind.



That is simply NOT TRUE.

That is not what people have told you. You simply have not been listening. But guess what, it does begin and end with you. No one gets all the chances they'd like at a given time but they *still must decide based upon the circumstances and context*. yumi, that is life. It is not different for anyone. "Lucky" as I tried to point out to you is also RELATIVE and SUBJECTIVE in definition.

From where I sit, having scripting ability would be a gold mine. You want validation and lifting up? People have given you that in this thread also. Go back and reread it. I've given it to you obliquely as well. But I won't be pimped or squeezed or forced into giving it - right now you are coming across more as a whiney brat. "But they got MORE CAKE!" Be glad you got cake at all or have food to eat or are healthy enough to eat it. If you spend life whining about what you didn't get that someone else did, you will be miserable, guaranteed.

It's possible you obsess on things and let them get in your way. I am not saying this facetiously but there is help for this dynamic, and maybe you should seek some out.

one of my favorite phrases when im feeling frustrated by my "paralysis by analysis" is this...

You dont need to know more....you need to do more.

That one hits home every time im trapped with the runaround in my own head.

The good news is many of us aren't quite the same in person as we are in forums.

In the forums, I can be a real crusty bastard. Ingame, I'm rarely crusty: you usually have to go pretty far out of your way to peeve me.

Yumi, I'll give you a shout ingame sometime. In the forums, you usually seem pessimistic and negative. Well, I probably seem contrary, because I rarey post when I agree, but often post when I disagree or have a correction to make to what someone's posted.

But seriously: if you want me to know something, say it. If you want to learn what I'm thinking or what I want, ask me. Reading the tea leaves won't work very well. Yes, we all have to read between the lines: but that's AFTER actually trying earnestly to communicate, and not expecting the other person to do 50% of it.

It's like something I once heard: A marriage isn't a 50/50 thing.

It's a 100/100 thing.

The same is true of communication.

There's another way to look at this.

You can't change other people.

You might have some control over your own behavior, responses, reactions, and emotions.

When you pin problems on others, you're yielding power.

If you consider the possibility that you could have achieved your goals by behaving differently, or by thinking about things differently, you're taking power into your own hands.

It's your choice. You can live "at effect", blown by the world, or you can be the wind.

I was just thinking that. Something about the forum interface makes many of us forget we're talking to people sometimes.

Often times there is NO way to avoid ending up alone. Being alone is part of the human condition, even for those who are surrounded by loved ones. All you can do is learn to not let it bother you. And the first step is accept that it's nobody's fault; it's just a basic fact of life. If you think it happens more to you than other people you may be right, but it won't do you any good to tell yourself that other people should treat you differently.

I endorse your policy of not backing anyone into a corner where they feel have to validate you - because it's rude and because that kind of validation isn't validating.

But if you offer them a chance to invite you to join their group or offer to team up on a project, and then they don't issue the invitation or make the offer, it is just as rude and self-defeating for you to blame them for making you unhappy.

Complaining is never the way to go if you're trying to be friendly.

I've been a creator for some time now, in SL and other on line communities. I often get people offering to provide the ideas if I do the drudge work. But mostly I'd rather do drudge work for my own ideas. I work very well with some people but I like working alone best.

I do hope you'll talk to and listen to Rha. Her heart is good and her desire to help genuine. Plus she seems to really know what you're going through and to have thoughts on the subject that you could really benefit from.

You deserve to be happy.

Thank you Kaimi, and I am sure many folks looking at Yumi and her posts, can see me in them easily. I can, I see myself about 6-8 months ago (maybe less), and it saddens me. I know what she is going through, even if she thinks I don't.

I got to chat to Yumi today in SL and I loved it! (well once we got past all the icky stuff LOL)

she is a good person with a sweet heart, and just wants to be loved. (don't we all?)

Yumi hon, I seriously can not wait to try the go karts with you, and as I said, let me know when you can do it, and I will make the time. (I have the ability to put in the hours at my work when I want to, so that part works)

Of course I am sure you understand if RL is happening then I will have RL come first (for instance this weekend, wedding (sis in law getting married) lots of hubby's family in town, so we get pulled away at a moments notice.

Those situations I can't make the time for SL (I WISH LOL) I am shy meeting people I do not know, and they are all huggy type people, so I have to hide the shyness, and the blushing and give them hugs, lordy girl and you think you got it tough LOL.

then of course... with meeting new family members the topic of how did you and Matt meet pops up... erk.. erm... ah... well you see, we met on line...
oh really? where, how?
erm... ah... it was a virtual world...

oh tell me about it...

(how the heck do you tell someone about SL, it is a virtual world LOL)

then you get "that look"... oh dear they think I am a crazy Canadian... LOL

yeah... RL can be stranger than SL at times LOL

So... I ramble.. sorry (should hear me on voice LOL)

um where was I....

oh yeah, thank you Kaimi, yes I know where Yumi is coming from, and the only person that can stop the cycle is Yumi, however it does help to have someone who will listen and understand (even if you think they don't understand, you learn they do)

(did any of that make sense???) hehe

good god I use too many LOL's (just read them as Lots of Love)

Except that ultimately, at that point? When every person I've spoken to has done that, about all the things I described? I'm already defeated. At that point, I'm just taking a last ditch chance that saying how bad I feel will have some effect.

Also - I'm a little confused because others in the thread have said I would need to ask explicitly. Do you agree?



I understand that. But the thing is, I've actually done that for a bit - worked on my own on scripts and tried to sell them, and for a while it went pretty well. It still does fairly, but not as well as it did back then. I haven't made anything new in a while, because of the LSL feature freeze, and because of the multi-gadgets pushing down the value of scripts. And believe me, Mysti being prepared to give away all her functions for free except the weapons wasn't a great sign.... I hate making scripted weapons, it just means doing random things with SL over and over until something breaks, then selling the break. I'm sure the Linden development team just loves that.

The problem is that, well, that just doesn't appeal so much on its own. I didn't cash out the money I made except for tier because I was originally doing it to try and support doing other things in SL. But.. well, because of the silence I got, I quickly found there weren't any other things. I mean, I don't really need to spend _all_ my SL/leisure time programming just for relatively small amounts of money - or in most cases, now, "spending less on tier" - and that's what it's come down to. I don't mind spending some of it that way if it's helpful to other people, but not all of it.

Yumi...what is this obsession with "validation", whatever that might mean? You seem to crave external approval. Well, there is nothing wrong with that, up to a point. We all want to be appreciated!

I know that, whenever someone sees something I have written, or built, and says, "wow, that's terrific" it gives me a warm glow of satisfaction.

But that shouldn't be your only goal in doing something. In fact, it shouldn't be your goal at all. What you should be seeking, both in your doing and in your being, is self-validation. Satisfaction in doing a thing in and of itself, regardless of what others might say. Being comfortable with the person you are.

If you don't NEED the approval of others, something very strange happens. Suddenly, you receive it.

So...don't look so hard. Be happy with yourself, and you will automatically become the sort of person that others are happy with too.

What Lindal said.

Not that Lindal needs validating, but I validate what she said.

I'm happy with myself.

Pep (Which kinda makes what Lindal says absolute b*******)

He's here all week folks. The man that Don Rickles once called, "The biggest asshat I've ever seen". And now you can see him too. Tickets are on sale now.

Yumi, I think what Pep is trying to say is, don't be like him if you want to be liked.