Can you realy trust your SL lover?

As a married mom, with kids, I of course agree that entering any serious commitment (not just marriage/partnership but also things like accepting a job, moving to a new house etc.) require a good deal of making sure it is the right step to take and thus trusting *your own judgment* there. However I don't fool myself into believing that what I once thought to be the right decision will remain right indefinitely, especially when it involves other people. Nor is my judgment 100% right all the time. People change, circumstances change.. and staying flexible in dealing with that without putting too much thought into "but will this still be right in 10 years?" or "can I trust him?" just makes living a lot easier.

And quite frankly.. I don't think having dependants or investments together is a good reason to stay in a lousy relationship. I have ended a financially incredibly solid RL marriage with 2 kids who were 1 and 3 at the time. It has cost me virtually everything I had built up so far, asset wise. Met a great guy not too long after that and we've been married for over 8 years now, and I'm as happy as can be. As are my kids, who couldn't have wished for a better dad, even though biologically he isn't.

Nothing like broad sweeping statements leaving little room for people's personal realities.

What exactly is so broad sweeping about stating my personal reality?

that would be this statement




Your anecdotal evidence has a happy ending.

I could provide anecdotes that don't.

Basically what I am saying that each particular person is a better judge of what sort of reality they will be facing if they end their marriage than any outsider is.

I guess good old Elsa was all wet...

"Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women."

Elsa Schiaparelli



.d

Yep. But I couldn't know about the happy ending when I decided to end the marriage. Also, I'm not saying anything about anybody else's choices. Just that I, as in: personally, would never stay in a lousy relationship because of financial consequences or because of dependants. I was just stating my point of view which works great.. for me.

I reserve that for the outfits that I wear in public.

nu uh, I dress for Him and only Him, I don't care what women think.

I stayed too long for the wrong reasons, i.e. financial. In the end ... I took his debts and walked away to be free of his apathetic ass.

Still not everyone is as strong as you melody (or me I guess)

I was going to say shallow, but your's sounds nicer.

I have been doing online things since 95.
I have never made up a persona and never will.
I may be an elf avatar in everyrthing since i love DnD fantasty, but it's me behind the keys not some fakeness. I want truthfullness in everything, i hate lies. I do not care for shims who hide it, thats some scary stuff.

My friend refers to them as "mesbians". Sums it up I think. Of course, it is politically incorrect to refer to men playing girls and then messing with people emotionally (people can do as they like but don't try LYING to me if you were wanting something from me).

That's nuts. I live by what Coco Chanel said: “A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.”

I think trust builds with time. I was with my partner almost a year, and had complete trust in her. I never cheated ot considered it the entire time we were together. But each relationship is different. My last GF of a month told me yesterday she had "feelings" for another guy; so much for that. But hey, if you dont try, you cant find a great relationship !!

So you call roleplaying lying. Then call me a lyer. I loved building a real personage with history around the characters I played... ever since my first D&D game I played when I was 18 (I am now 42) and all occasions that followed to there.

Roleplaying is not lying in my opinion. If so, then writing a fiction or fantasy story is lying too.

Morwen.

Aww thanks. I think. I have always been bit too honest and open. Perhaps its also a flaw.
I have never since I have grown up been able to be good man-ho but that is personal decision but I am a extreme rare exception.
In rl I am in celibate gay relationship though most wouldn't consider this.
I would never judge others in the matter.
Everyone is different.

Being the second woman in RL sucks. Being #2 in SL sucks twice. Yet I managed to mess myself into such a situation. Yes, yes, that heartless bitch deceiving a poor innocent gal’ you’re thinking, corrupting their relationship…. She deserve to get heartbroken when she’s stupid enough to not leave men alone when they’re taken.

Just that the #1 in this case has known about it from the start….happily cheering for it so she probably felt better when she could play with her other boyfriends in SL. So that’s sorted out. The trouble started when my stupid heart let this be more and more meaningful to me. I kind of fooled myself for a long time. Everybody has played with open cards here….. it’s no kind of deception. I wasn’t fooled to believe I was the only one, not by anyone than myself.

Honesty I value high, and from the start this was meant to be a happy naughty treat for all involved. I even enjoyed talking with #1, feeling that we were getting along fine, and as long as this was just a game, she being #1 didn’t affect me much. The danger is that I invested more of more of my personality and feelings in this game, what I was getting back feed it and made my emotions grow stronger.

With my mind I could see this being stupid… I fought it and mostly laughed of it. The problem is that it didn’t help what I was feeling deep down in my heart. So I was kind of 2 avatars in one….the happy joking girl that would flirt and shop the days away, and the sad girl who wished to be the one and only.

The most important for me wasn’t the thought of cyber with other(s), more that I was getting both too much and not enough love and affection. I felt that every time spent together was so damned good, that it increased the need for more time together. Two hearts beating like one and all that other crappy - happy stuff. And then the time available in SL kicks in. Having a man that work long hours in RL sucks. Having one that doesn’t come home to you, but log into a pc to reach you on the small amount of time he has left…. Well girls, that isn’t fun.

And that you are not his #1 priority when he’s done working, was leading to more and more log ins that start with: “I know you’re not liking this but I must leave early”. As the day before, and the day before that he even wasn’t inworld at all. Then was the day he logged in 0945 PM and started talking about leaving less than an hour later. I’m realizing that I’m one hour before him in time, not the other way around….. knowing that if he really wished, he would manage to stay up just a bit more. But he doesn’t want it strong enough, and that’s it. I would stay up if it was the other way around.

So instead of having a fun time together, it starts with apologizes, I answer brave that I understand it, and RL is the most important, I agree totally and fully… yet the apologizes continue as just to turn around that nagging blade in my heart. So after the usual “hugs, kisses & Love you, good night sweetie” I was left feeling just soggy and not in a cheerful state. It would be better if he just carried my pixles to bed, to the kitchen floor or wherever, and left me emotionally exhausted and with a sheepish grin when he left.

Instead I felt that the yummy cold leftovers I had hoped for - and got in the start, was reduced to small dried breadcrumbs. Then come Valentines Day…and I had thought that we’d spent some time together. Well, better think again… of course it started with apologizes and that he needed to spend some time with her, after all she is the most important thing for him. I know there’s 364 other days in the year, but it kind of felt like acid deep in my stomach.

So I just let it end here….. knowing I’ve been a fool and that I only can blame myself. I really don’t hate him, or her, maybe I hate myself a bit. This really is a good time for a pause from SL.

Don't beat yourself up Marianne.

I've been in the situation of responding to MAJOR and I mean major advances, without knowing that person was already involved and then hitting a place where I should have just said "Uh you know what? Maybe you should have discussed ME with this woman and made your feelings and state clear".

I didn't tho. It limped on, sometimes feeling nice and mostly just ... well, I don't think the other person involved would say it was sunshine and flowers, put it that way. I was really jealous - not of this poor other woman not getting the right thing either but of the lack of seeming regard for me and the very thing this person wanted from me, or claimed to.

This is ancient history now, that person has me on ignore. Possibly at least in part because it's easier than really analysing what happened and accepting it properly, I dunno.

I did feel utterly awful for the other woman involved in this, the truth being that by the time it was all shaken out the chance was largely over and I couldn't return to the state of trust and openness ... or *ANY* desire ... I had had months before. I don't hate the person involved - I certainly don't hate myself because I know in my heart that I did what I could. I am only human.

And you are too Marianne. Be kind to yourself, these things happen and maybe now IS the time for a little break from SL. If you do, then be nice to yourself and come back looking out for something new to do.

I used to have a pick on my profile that at the time when all seems bleakest is when the sun starts to shine. I think from your post about sailing you've already started doing what heals you best.

HUGS

***edit*** I am getting my Mariannes mixed up ... sorry sweetie! Well maybe some sailing would help! Failing that, some new people to hang around with would help you too.

Thanks Cherry...and there's at last one positive factor here. I'm the only one crying....I don't have the other girl to feel guilty about. She was there from the start, knowing all. She had him from the start, they still have each other and we all just have to carry on.

I agree. I don't think when fiction or fantasy is purposefully part of something, it can be likened to lying in any rational sense.

Are actors lying? Are Shaman story-tellers lying? Are fiction writers lying? If you want to get completely technical, I suppose they are all lies...but in all fairness, the word 'lie' doesn't apply to fiction or fantasy.

And I agree, one of the beauties of true RP is the creation of another persona--not that it's not OK to be yourself in an RP situation if that suites you...but labeling RP a lie is out of context.

Drop me a line inworld as you don't have private message enabled!

Marianne,
In real life I have been involved in alternative lifestyles when I was bit younger.
There was often lot of discussions about how to do polyamorous or ethical slut in those
circles.
Often it always sounded so good for majority. Yet few ever discuss the problems openly in those groups and educational forums I went too.
Yes sometimes its fun, exciting but its not always easy and it isn't always just fun,
exciting or for everyone.
After 10 years in the scene I realized I just couldn't do it personally anymore.
I got tired of always being the play thing and secondary.
There is lot to be said about how secondaries are just as valued but sometimes
for some it just feels like sloppy seconds and not in good way.

Trust is nothing relative. Trust is something that is created when your heart is true. Regardless if we are talking about love or other feelings.

This post kind of made me sad. The OP has been beat to death, but I just wanted to say to Kaira that you're missing out on a tremendous opportunity to make RL friends.
I hear a lot of people say that they have online vs. offline friends and there's more than just the fact that they've never met going on to differentiate. I can understand having online 'acquaintances' that you don't intend to meet, and even calling these people friends, but personally, if you really *are* my friend, I wouldn't mind meeting you and I consider you a friend in both realities. Doesn't matter if we ever have met, are going to meet, etc...A true friend is a true friend, not to sound naive or sappy here.
It may be the perfect environment for making friends as opposed to lovers due to the fact that sometimes it's easier to stay in touch, relate to one another via shared hobbies, and not get hung up on materialistic/physical attributes! Not to mention the fact that many of us are more confident and self assured online, and tend to socially interact 'better' here.

I understand what you mean about SL being just for 'kicks'...However...coming across someone in here who enjoys what you enjoy, shares experiences with you, and generally just makes you grin to be around is pretty darn cool, and takes it from 'game' to 'world'.

Long thread. Just going to answer the question posed in the subject. Can you trust a SL lover? In my experience, no you cannot. Well, you can try to trust them, just don't be surprised when you have that trust abused and your guts ripped out leaving behind a bitter, twisted shell of a man (or woman) that is unable to trust in the same manner again.