Can you realy trust your SL lover?

wow ...
This reminds me of "With friends like these, who needs enemies?"

I have alts but i make sure those alts steer clear of the same friend circles as my main..it just doesn't feel right.

I've always found...even without using my alts to spy for me ..if you "think" that your SL lover is being unfaithful..or caniving..or dishonest..then they 99% of the time probably are. And if you're not ready..and I mean really ready to KNOW the truth about them.."DON'T ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies" is a good motto to live by in Second Life.

Many times i've found out what i expected..but it was sooo much worse than what I had imagined and I wound up wishing i had just cut my losses with the first warning sign.

Playing detective in SL can you eat you up inside and totally ruin your entire experience.

If you have a standard for honesty that you live by and you get that feeling that your partner isn't living up to that standard...you're not paranoid. Like maybe 1% of the popualtion is actually over sensitive and paranoid..the other 99% are reading silences..and slight niuances that are REAL...and have reasons behind them.

Trust your instincts...gosh I wish it was as easily done as said..but it's not.

~Lana Tomba

I have alts. My partner knows about each and every one of them, including that I don't use them for anything but storage of groups and/or no trans things. Ironically he first met me AS my main alt (minding my own business) - we had a pleasant conversation and he was interested but very sad never to see her again.

He nearly had a fit when he found out she was me ... lol.

These days we both have a set of alts who are together too ... but for when we feel like being silly together totally out of our usual character (those alts would never publically voice and give the game away LOL). I wouldn't dream of making one to hide myself.

I don't like people hiding on their friend's list either. If someone really feels the need to hide from you, and they are supposedly close to you, that would raise alarm bells.

@ others with bad drama stories = not going into my SL past. He's irrelevant Therefore once you've got over the shock he/she will become irrelevant for you too. Hang in there.

@ Sunni = yep, you're proof that online to reality is often the way these days. I know so many people who met online it's just not funny. Even if as happens all too often these days that is not a "relationship which lasts forever" I had a 7 year one with someone I met rl and an 8 year one with someone I met online. 8 years is still pretty good going these days. PS Depending on your Yahoo chatroom ... eeek ... I might know you! Yahoo is where I very first stumbled into online chat ... when you could still REDLINE people!

What a sad story Dementia,sorry you were hurt like that. I have to wonder though,could it be possible that this random guy was the ex's alt and he was trying to find a way to break up with you? I just can't imagine a random stranger's reason for contacting you like that.

My very first SL boyfriend (very sweet, looking back) had to go away for three weeks on holiday. I never even thought about him possibly lying to me and I still don't now. It was all very innocent then really - I spent most of my first year alone apart from friends in fact.

I am still in touch with him now, well over a year later, though he doesn't play SL. In fact the conversations I have with him as a friend are pretty much the ones I had at the time - he just doesn't ever try to get it AWWWWWWWWN any more

LOL well it's funny you should mention the giant wooden prims ...

Anyway that's not why you should be scared of me ... muhahahahahhaa .... muhhahahahahahaha ...

(Note for the literal minded. I am a total pussycat. Literally so at times, these days.)

First of all, to all the people sharing their stories here: big hugs, and I hope you manage to heal quickly without being too scarred by it.

I don't think you can really trust anyone, anywhere. Trust is placing faith in something someone else will do/not do, and since we can only really influence our own behavior.. we ourselves are the only person we can really trust. That doesn't mean we have to be paranoid and see everybody else as a possible wrongdoer. When it comes to relationships, SL or RL, I try to live in the here and now only. As long as it feels good, they will continue. If not, it's time to face the consequences and either work on the relationship or move on. I and only I am responsible for where I'm at in my life, and for making the choices that define where I go next. So yes, if I find out my SL, or RL partner is not what I want anymore (can be any reason from finding out he's a lying heap of cow dung to a simple having grown apart).. then I move on. I'll be hurt, sure, because this person used to be an important part of my life. But.. I don't depend on them for my personal happiness. I'm a great person (and so modest ) so if they choose to mess that up and loose me.. it's their loss. Also, living by the day saves me tons of stress and thinking on "what if.." scenarios in every area of my life.

Just my way of looking at these things.

Great post Melody. I feel the same way.

Pussycat?! ok..ok..but a pussycat with GREAT lighting! ( we were really blown away by that!!)

Some of the stories in this thread really break my heart. I believe that the emotions we share (without actually meeting face to face) via type, text and maybe over the phone e.t.c.. are just as powerful as being in a face to face situation. If you are having an online love affair most people talk and share feelings more than some rl couples do who are together 24/7. Its easy to be in a relationship in the real world and still feel lonely because of the lack of communication, whereas if you are sharing your mind, deepest thoughts and a side to you that no one else sees with someone and feeling "whole" because of that, what does it matter if thats online or face to face.

I am not living in fantasy world, I know full well that its easy to be swept away in the moment, I mean after all when we meet and fall for someone in sl, they don't usually come with electricity bills, school runs and who is going to take the trash out problems.. sometimes the biggest problem can be deciding on the decor in your castle...hardly skills that are needed when doing the grocery shopping in Tesco's..! But there are still real people behind these avies,...real hearts, real minds and real feelings. It saddens me to read this thread as its a reminder that some people forget that..Or its a case of they haven;t forgotten, they have just decided not to fess up that to them its nothing more than roleplay...they could and can switch off and because of that people have been hurt as they were not on the same page when starting out, they were not given the chance to get on to the same page because of the lies and spineless inability of another to be up front with them..that I find unfair, wrong and very rude!

As in real life, I do believe without trust you have nothing...so to all those that have been burnt and hurt so badly by the one person that should never of let you down, I do say don't let it ruin your ability to trust...dont let them take that away from you to, You are the person you are..ok so you wasted some precious time on someone who turned out to be a loser, but don't you change who you are because of it...you are the better person and the perfect person who will cherish and repay your trust is just around the next Sim corner..

Hugs all and sorry for the ramble, it probably makes no sense, I blame that on my work phone constantly ringing and vying for my attention....Shesh..they should get a second life and leave me alone!

Melody is right.

I'd rather trust someone than not. I usually kill dead anyone I can't trust. Sometimes, hope that things will get better makes things last way too long even in SL and there's a lot of things I'd rather have not done which I did.

Still, I am shockingly honest and very loyal. I'd rather be hurt if I trust people to do the right thing and they don't. Maybe they can't.

The ones who are there regardless I know I can count on as like minds, at least.

***edit

Thanks Tiana hon I wish people didn't turn up and cam round. You're missing the point of the ambient effects completely people!

I'll share one thing said to me last night (which I realise will be seen by my stalker ) which was wishing I could be there so that he could see a happy contented smile on my face.

Well Melody... I can see what you mean. But I feel different. I trust my RL partner (who is my SL partner as well) completely... without holding back or limitation. Surely, I would be very hurted (to say the least) when it would turn out that this trust was not on its place.

But so far, after being more then 8 years together I have no reason at all to even doubt my partner. And yes, it took some time for this trust to grow so strong... but I feel every day again that is coming from 2 sides, it is very okay with me...

Morwen.

I think there are different ways to abuse ppl's trust.

The lowest, meanest way as I see it, is to use alts for messing up ppls minds. This way of betrayal is pretty much special in SL. Like the OP' explained.

And then there's to hide from your GF/BF and pretend that you are so loyal and that your GF/BF is the only one. While you really are meeting others and jumping poseballs happily togeteher. As Dementia told us about... a low mean bag of shit! Same thing could happen in RL too.

On the other side....sometimes peoples emotions change. In RL and SL. The honest way then is to say: Listen, I don't feel the same for you as I used to....I've meet this other....
That of course hurt as hell, but is it a betrayal of trust? A lover in SL or RL that does this, is an honest person in my opinion.

I've stayed in a friendship with one guy I broke up with in september. We speak some times in a week, tip each other when we discover new and great places to explore. Then, in november it was my turn to get my heart crossed....and I never thought it could feel so terrible. What goes around, comes around, eh?

I could sit on my work RL and suddenly feel tears floating up in my eyes, having to bend my head and let my hair fall forward and hide my face. And that wasn't because of the pixel guy, but for the words and thoughts we shared. Poseballs.............pffft. Nothing makes me tingle as words.

Anyway, he did the right thing, not playing with alts or hide. I respect that, and after some weeks of silence, I sent him an IM and we picked up the contact as friends again.

you ar avery BIG person with a very "Little" name. Respect to you for being human enough to contact him back.

~Lana Tomba

I don't feel a need to trust a guy who's really just an avatar in here. I mean, I luv this fantasy world, all the creativity you can express here, but I don't take it that seriously and I don't put any rl feelings into it. I rather stay out of any drama and I can't fall in love with a cartoonish avatar anyway, that's just how I am. I need real flesh and blood, being caressed, hugged etc irl to be able to get feelings like that, not in SL. I think some people tend to get paranoid in here and want to control others. Naw, that's nothing for me. Sex can be fun in SL though, although I tend to get a bit tired of it. But, I'll never get tired of building, scripting and as I said before, all the creativity you can express in here is what's worth staying here for in the long run, definitely not drama.

I feel the same. SL relationships would just leave me feeling frustrated.

But I guess some people feel they're better than nothing.

NOTICE!!!!!!!!!!!

This is February 1. Less than two weeks to Valentines Day, which (product of rampant commercialism or not) is an important day for women involved in romantic relationships.

You, people with removable pointy attachments, DO NOT decide to break up with your lover during the next two weeks. Doing so would pretty much make you a heel, and the lowest of the crawly creatures, apologies to any and all worm avatars. Live the fantasy - this is SL, for crying out loud.

B.

Hint: this is also a good time to go shopping for that pretty not-too-blingy piece of pixel adornment without a no-transfer tag. (And, yes, she'll know if it came out of a freebie box)

Peace and floaty red hearts to all.

Good advice Brann!

Well said Brann.

And this advice shoul also go for the girlies too!
We men have been accused, ignored, and stepped on long enough...we need to feel wanted ad loved too. (not that Claire would be like that, she is very thoughtful)

You must have alot of bullets Cherry

It is NOT do YOU trust your SL partner - it is DOES she/he trust YOU!

Well, just who do you think we buy those sexy little Valentine outfits for? That is just one of the many ways we show our love and appreciation. We are mostly wearing them for your visual enjoyment (the *your* there is in the general sense, not 'you' specifically).

This is a truly admirable way to run one's SL. However, in RL, the majority of people don't have the freedom to move on. If you have real dependents or even just major investments together, you are trusting that the relationship will be good for many many tomorrows, not just today.

I point that out only because it reminds me to be understanding toward those who get seriously hurt when SL relationships dissolve. RL mental habits carry forward into SL ... it is only natural that people would try to put together relationships here that have a feeling of permanence, many humans are simply wired that way. Despite that fact that we have soooo much less information to go on, and in most cases it makes absolutely no sense to think an SL relationship will last, nevertheless I can see why people do.
.

After reading all the replies I wonder a bit where I fit in all of this. As a newbie of only a few weeks I can honestly tell you that I have been an abject whore in SL but I'm not sure I've trounced on any hearts despite my desire for romance prior to the consumations.

I think we have to differentiate between true and lasting relationships and what I (and my very willing partners) have experienced which has involved a great deal of simple experimentation and first exposure. Often the actions end up more comical than erotic. The key I think is honesty, complete and brutal honesty.

Another factor is that everything on SL seems to be extremely compressed. A relationship that in RL would take months of flirting and dating before it progressed to an actual committment can occur here in an hour. All of us are competing with our RL's for these rapid-fire moments of fantasy on here and you have this sense of trying to pack in as much as you can in your limited hours.

I can certainly see settling down to a less hectic lifestyle in SL as one progresses but it seems odd that people are so intent on forming these platonic relationships in here. I happen to believe that humans were really never designed for them (science seems to bear me out on this) and that so much of our problems we face in our RL relationships are because society forces us to become that which we are not. I can of course respect each couple's values and ethics in this regard but it's my hunch that often the fidelity is forced more by RL concerns than by any SL code.

Bottom line is to be honest. So far it's worked for me although I can sense some minefields forming. The defense though remains the same. You must retain the ability to put SL in perspective. As much as we'd all love for our trips to fantasy to be real, they are not and that message needs to be reinforced from time to time in open communications. If the relationship progresses to RL then we're talking a whole new ballgame.

my onliners are Bradley and FD (they don't even know that). i trust they they both are faithful to their respective partners. in other words, i trust them implicatly..... implicatively.... errrr.... without question.