Can you realy trust your SL lover?

There is some old topic in the archive, but it does not give tips on what to do if you are in doubt. No, you will never completely be able to know your virtual lover I think, but there are tips to help you out. I whished I had known a few up front. Though I prolly would have said “I can trust my Louis.” But maybe, just maybe I would have checked it out of curiosity. To prove I could trust him.

My story in short: I met him in my 3rd week. He from the other side of the world. We fell in love deeply and we enjoyed a relation. He had to leave sl for his work after 6 weeks; no internet access in that part of the world. We kept mailing from time to time and meeting on MSN. Promises made to meet irl whenever he would be in Europe.

A couple of weeks after he left I met a guy. It clicked and we got a relation. I felt guilty, but was very much in love. That relation lasted for month, faded eventually to friendship until he left sl to deal with health problems irl.

Recently a guy contacted me with news from my first love. He was his friend in real life and was asked to look after me. It clicked, but I didn’t want to cheat on my bf with his best friend, whom I just had met in MSN, still very much in love after almost a year.

I am about to celebrate my first rezz-day when one of his other girlfriends eventually told me. Yes these were all the same man. Not from the other side of the world, not even from the country the second one claimed to be. He had left me without leaving. He knew how I missed him. He played his little role-play about his real life on 3 avatars over the past year. He hit on me 3 times, asking about the others. I confronted him.. he apologised and I don’t know what to believe anymore. We split up.

What can you do: check on the IP address. When you get mail, you can find that address in the properties. There are sites where you can track that address to a county, even a provider (http://www.ip2location.com/free.asp) . If you don’t get mails you will need to have your own stream running. On the administrator pages of your stream provider you can get the ip address from your listeners. Make sure that only you and the other are present. That he or she listens to the music. At least you will be able to see if the person is from the place he claims to be. And, maybe even more important, the alts come from the same IP.
Look for similarities in text. The use of :-) or :) or ;) ,maybe miss spellings, the writing of OK and not ok or Ok.

I know this is all so obvious… but now I cant imagine I never saw it. I feel ashamed, fooled, naïve, deceived, ….. I hope this will alert someone that has this slight feeling of doubt.

Can you really trust your RL lover?

Can you trust yourself?

Ditto

What Love said.

No one can ever really really know if they are being lied to and cheated, I guess one of the nice things for me in using voice is that I can hear what is being said and how it sounds - and that's a lot harder to fake than just words.

Then again someone can look you in the eye rl, with your hand in theirs, and lie their heart out to get what they want.

Personally, I'd be wary of people who are simply evasive. No internet access? So how can they mail and use MSN?

Sudden onset 'almost terminal' diseases for themselves or others. Funny things happening in their lives which mean they can only access for 5 minutes if you happen to be online ... people do some rotten things to each other and if you're large of heart you are open to getting screwed over.

Still, look on the bright side. You know better for next time and it's nearly your rez day. Happy rez day! Have a party! You might meet someone more compatiable and you know what, it finds you when you LEAST expect it

Thanks Cherry... I am certainly planning to have a perfect rez-day and indeed.. I am warned now, wont make that same mistake again.

I think the answer to the questions is: can we really ever trust anybody? Each instance is unique, just like each individual. And I think some individuals are more keen at spotting an honest situation or person...and I think some people are more apt at dishonesty. And I think some people are better at hiding their dishonesty. And I think some people are never dishonest...

There are so many different variables, it's hard to label this question with a definite answer.

Personally, my SL lover IS my RL lover, and I feel most definitely that I can trust her...her character is genuine, innocent and kind...she's very trust worthy.

Men... they're the worst!

Same here... and for those that question if you can trust a RL lover. I do trust my RL lover. Trust is the base of the relation we have. Without trust in a relation there is not much left, at least in my opinion.

Morwen.

That was my point, in a way. You have to make that leap of faith with an SL lover too. Or it's shallow.

And I can always trust Michael to have that huge banner in his signature that messes up my browser.

Trust everyone to a point. Trust no one after that. Trust isn't something you purchase by the pound. It's earned. I'd say that after 6 weeks, even in the most intense relationship, I don't trust anyone. I trust my SL partner, but we've been together many, many months.


But my first partner in SL? OMG, he changes partners more often than a neat freak changes underwear. He was the first in SL to teach me not to trust.

With me, it took one time of getting burned. Now I do not trust easily, and in some cases, I never will. The people "wanting" my trust understand this, and it's not a big deal. Time will tell. Until you're sure, don't invest the trust. It's the one gift you can give online that is unique and special.

Gosh, Paddy, I don't know...can your SL lovers trust YOU?

I don't want to sound like I'm smacking you down, but did you listen to yourself? In love with Guy A, then with Guy B, then with Guy C, who's Guy A's best friend...oops, I mean, his alt.

Too much Drahma here for me. I'll only say, you should look to your own heart and decide who and what you really want. When you're sure, go after it. It might prove to be a mirage, but that's always a risk. The part that you can control is yourself. Do that, and you'll have a lot less heartache.

Im sorry you had this experience Paddy. I really do hope you have a wonderful rezday!
Cue Happy Rezday song:

Happy rezday to you!
Happy rezday to you!
Happy rezday to Paddy!!!!
Happy rezday to you!


To me personally the answer would be yes. I trust my SL Lover and hope he feels I am trustworthy too. And I doubt I could have a RL Lover if I didn't trust them.
I find trust to be a very important part of a relationship. RL or not. Friendships are built on trust and love is based on friendship. Well it is to me anyway...

But then, some people tell me I am too trusting of people, so this could be my downfall and I could end up with my heart repeatedly broken because of this and have done as I don't see the signs until far too late.
But i trust people not to break my heart
How many times do you think I can say trust?

don`t trust anyone untill they payed you back several hundred $USD they owed you

from all the people i`ve met and known, only 1 person i met (even on my first SL day and friends since then) i will trust completly

At least in RL they can't use an ALT - probably not much confort to Paddy, but she is not the only one who has had the ALT deception played upon them. The sad thing is that once you have had such an experience, you will find it hard to trust again.

Some times it is better just to bury your head in the sand... and not worry about it.

One thing... I don't make a promise I can't keep. Saying "I Love You" means this is it, a promise, no one else matters, nothing and no one will come between us. That being said I was in love once, got my heart broken and I was never really in love again after that.

I have been "In Lust" a number of times, of course with men that is easy to accomplish.

"CX"

Oh I dunno Brann. In my experience, women are worse.

Then again, on the net and especially in SL, you may well be talking to a pretty lady who has meat and two veg - and acts like it.

***

Paddy, you go for it hon! It's my second rezday in a few weeks and I can't wait!

What Claire said...
And just for posterity, before Claire and I met, I was a rambling man...a player if that is a good enough description. Since we have known each other my player activity had reduced drastically, but I still play a little. And I have openly discussed this with Claire, and let her know she is free, and not bound to monogamy with me. So I suppose to answer your question, yes we can trust each other. As long as we are open and honest and adult and non -jealous about what we do, our friendship will only get stronger. And no matter what teasing... flirting... or accusing anyone else does our way...won’t change anything about our friendship. I have been flirted at, and accused by some of the women at the forum, and surprised by some of their self righteous comments on this thread (they know who they are) but really, my heart is with Claire.

When it seems too complicated, then it wasn't meant to be. If he/she can't find the time to be with you, the reasons don't matter, move on. Keep them as friends if you like. Base your trust on what they do, not what they say.

I tend to trust everyone I meet until they give me reason not to. Of course I've been hurt once or twice, but I've also met many wonderful people.

If you like drama, you'll attract drama.

i think trust belongs to the person giving it
they give it to people they feel have earned it
if you trust someone and they betray that trust, the owness is on the person that did the betraying - not the person who gave their trust

i am right in the middle of a heart-breaking situation
the kind that hurts so bad it makes your tummy hurt and you find yourself crying uncontrollably in the middle of the day
the kind that shakes up everything you ever believed

my sl love all of a sudden needs "room" in sl
he told me not to worry because we can still talk in skype, etc
he told me i was selfish for wanting to be with him so much


i know that is not true
i am not selfish
i have a life - in sl and rl - and all that jazz
but omg it hurts so much when somebody tells you that
when all you wanted to do was spend time with them

when somebody breaks your heart it changes who you are

(wipes away the tears)

(buys a round of that cool heart champagne stuff for everybody)

QFT - there are dishonest people everywhere. The more you get to know someone, the more trust you can give them (or not). I sort of play it by instinct. Some people build trust with me very quickly, and others raise red flags. I don't know exactly what makes that happen, but I tend to be pretty good at reading people and I rarely get burned.

At any rate, I feel for you Paddy, and I understand you're hurt. Take a look at Lindal's post for some good advice. maybe slow it down a bit. You might be moving too quick and attracting more drama than you want.

/me gives Kaos a box of tissues and a big hug

Actually they do.

A co worker of mine used to brag that he had a different name and back story he used in bars.

Surprisingly, he ended up getting divorced perhaps a year after that revelation.

Once the promises / expectations of a RL meeting conversation takes place - Its really not just a "SL lover" situation anymore.


Their ability to do things behind your back should never be the factor in whether you trust them or not. Like everyone has said, people do things IRL all the time to breech trust. The opportunity is always going to be there.

So short of chaining them in the basement or putting a Lojack around their ankle, I don't see how you avoid this issue IRL or online.

Of course some people you meet might be into the basement thing. Results may vary.