Can you realy trust your SL lover?

Paddy, I feel for you but I don't see you mentioning the simplest thing you can do, which is to be clear with your partner. Your OP makes no mention of there being a promise of exclusivity between yourself and your guy. Was there one? When he "left", did you discuss whether the two of you were now free to have other relationships? It sounds like this was left very unclear. Assuming that you're in an exclusive relationship because you feel like you're in love is a bad idea, in RL and SL.

GG is right, nearly anything can work out if the two people involved have the same expectations of each other.

One of the few things that cannot work is if one party of the relationship is simply playing games, as your partner was, and you are not. Again, you have to be on the same wavelength. I was slightly acquainted a while back with a couple who explicitly played alt games with each other ... one would appear with a new alt, and see if they could flirt successfully with the other. Sometimes you could tell, sometimes not. Sometimes it looked like one of them was appalled that the person they were flirting with was NOT their partner in crime. I don't know whether they were a couple in RL, but their patter (lots in open chat) was incredibly witty, and they had a lot of fun with all their different roles.
.

Well yes I can trust my SL partner.

I've been with her a number of months and she has posted on this very thread *waves at Dani*.

But for the most part, trusting someone in SL is difficult. I'm sure most of us have had failed SL relationships for whatever reason.

Debbie-Rae had no such problems

perfect Norman Rockwell home.

*waves at Bee* Hi there darlin

Well, that just about made me cry

Big hug to you, Kaos.

B.

Oh, you poor dear!
/me gives you a big sympathetic hug.

I know how that hurts, when you want to be with somebody more than they want to be with you.

I've been on the other side of that too...where a person I cared about was taking more and more time, time that I badly needed to get things done.

There's just no way to gracefully tell someone to "back off and let me breathe". It's going to hurt.

On your side, there's no way you can have what you want...more time with your love...and not damage the relationship further. The only thing you can do is to let him have the space he needs. It hurts, I know...but by doing as he asks, you may be able to keep the relationship intact. Maybe it will work out to be a more casual friendship. Maybe he'll change his mind and want to share more with you later.

While you're waiting to see how it all works out, don't just spend your time waiting for him to call. Do other things, see your other friends.

Yeah, as soon as they start complaining about you wanting to be too close - its basically doomed.



Theres a a lot of variations -

"We should see other people"

"We should hang out more like friends more, you don't always have to be next to me."

"You should get out and make more friends"

In SL we can add lovers who put you on "hide" pretty much akin to Real Life not answering the phone when its you.


Now of course it may be that the one partner is too clingy/needy - but thats besides the point, since its a compatability thing.

If one person wants a level of togetherness that makes the other uncomfortable, its just not going to last.

Kaos, you and I could be almost twins right now. Maybe we should go shopping together or something. My SL fiance and I broke up a week ago. His reason was "he couldn't give me what I need." I needed time with him, which I got little of, but I was resigned to the fact that we wouldn't be able to spend much time together for a few months. But he is going through RL issues and despite my understanding of that he cut me off, rather coldly too, after telling me for months not to worry and that he loved me. About trust..yes I trusted him with my whole heart, and he knows that trust was hard for me because of things in my past. He often quoted a song to me, and dedicated it to me when we danced in clubs: Keith Urban's "Memories of Us." The chorus goes like this:
"And I'm gonna love you like nobody loves you
And I'll earn your trust making memories of us"

Gosh just writing this has put tears in my eyes.

But still I intend to keep trusting. I have spent too much time in RL and now SL NOT trusting, and that's no fun and gets you nowhere.

So Kaos and Paddy , hang on. What's that often quoted and rather trite saying...but also happens to be true: "Never allow someone to be your priority while you remain their option." (author unknown)

My SL lover is my RL lover so yes I trust him with all my heart.

Would I trust pixels on my screen? Not any farther than I could throw my monitor.

Girls, I have a reservoir of alone time in SL (well until the next building spree starts). Want to go out there and have some fun?

Trust your instincts they usually are right, sometimes. And at those times double check, watch or be just plain careful.
People often show parts of themselves in small ways even online without knowing it, its up to the person to observe whether or not they want to pursue a relationship with that person be it sexually intimate, friendship or somewhere in between.
There is other ways to be intimate that don't involve sex or romance too.
The problem is if you're feeling very needy and vulnerable be it online or within SL it often will cloud your judgment of who is best person trust because needs and which often leads to more vulnerability is in the way. It's best to create a lover with some one within your imaginary prim cells then some human base avatar and depend on that imaginary person when you're feeling intense and needy the love of someone else in ways that may make you too vulnerable.
Depending on humans often equals failure in my opinion.
Humans often are fail well.

/me looks at Cherry suspiciously. On behalf of all of the men in SL, please limit whatever dastardly, vengeful and probably hilarious fun you have in mind to the prim waving ignoramuses who deserve it. The combination of Cherry's evil genius and several women who have every reason in the world to hate males scares me witless.

This is something you only learn from experience. I have been contacted by MANY "real life friends" of AWOL SL residents, and circumstances strongly implied that not a single one of those cases was legitimate.

It's a really sticky problem, too, because I am openly skeptical of anyone who approaches me out of the blue claiming to represent another SL resident (unless they admit to being an alt), but at the same time I have made RL arrangements to have my best friend contact my closest SL contacts in case anything happens to me in real life.

So I tell everyone to be skeptical, but there's a chance that one day my SL friends will ACTUALLY be contacted by my real-life friend. How can she prove she's for real?

/nods head

I often wonder if anyone else experiences a similar situation within circles of friends.
New friend within circle arrives but some similar seems about the person. Perhaps they say or have similar typing habits, emoting,etc.
Sometimes the behavior and interactions seem harmless. Other times something sets off alarms. Sometimes I think certain people create Avatars to mind F### others but sometimes I may just be paranoid.
Anyone else experience this?

I actually had a guy refer me to his "friend" to help me out with a house and such. I suspected the Alt aspect as soon as I met this friend and talked to him a bit, but I didn't say anything. The Alt never hit on me and after the original guy & I got to know each other better, he admitted it was his Alt. That was the account that had all of the houses and textures and such so that is who he sent me to, but we were new enough friends that he didn't want to yet admit it really was his Alt. As more time passed and our trust of each other built up, he told me who the 'friend' was.

Ha!!!!




Regarding op, there's no way you can or will ever know for sure if you can trust regarding any loves you have in sl. Same thing in rl but in sl it's so much easier to get away with fooling others.

In sl, you take it as it comes. Men here have an advantage since there's alot more females then men. Not counting all those men [creeps] who disguise themselves passing off as being a females. They're disgusting and don't count.

It's either give a relationship a try or stay away. But staying away isn't as much fun. You gamble and hope for the best. Many people have found someone who they've enjoyed and have had a real good time without any problems. Others like the op have had this happen to her.

Usually, there are always signs indicating something is not right. You just have to see them and go with what you see. Evading certain questions and or making excuses every time is one sign. You live and you learn.

In sl, relationships are a gamble. In life itself love is also a gamble.

I really sorry to hear that this happened to you Paddy.

I think its a deeper issue than just simply trusting your lover. This man was sick and evil. I could not imagine using 3 different avatars to decieve and manipulate!

Lindall's comments were way too harsh- If you fell in love with the first personality, of course you would fall for the others - they're the same man!

Personally, I would not trust a man in SL farther than I could throw him. He can choose to be from anywhere, any gender, background, etc- Its his choice and his Second Life.



*edited a bit to avoid misunderstanding.

Sorry to hear about all this emotional turmoil. I have learnt (in a short but generally happy life) that lovers come and go; I have seen many relationships that are long-lasting suffocate each partner. I have had friends and lovers but really dont look to be a "forever girl" - enjoy what you have for the moment (I say this with all honesty since I nearly died last week in reality). And, by the way, I am very happily partnered in sl.

Discriminatory. You trust short skinny people more than big fat ones because you can throw them farther. Look how far that got Ceasar! Et tu Brute. I knew a professional jockey once. He was about 4'6" and I don't know what he weighed, but I bet I could have lofted him...say...15 to 20 feet if I put my back into it. He was totally untrusworthy. Sneaky, deceitful little bugger. On the other hand, I practically trust my assistant with my career sometimes - she's phenomenal. I bet she goes a solid 350 I couldn't get her off the ground, much less throw her. Frankly, as a bigger guy (but way smaller than my assistant!) I'm a little offended.

In all seriousness, I'm sticking by my assessment that you should go with your instincts and not move too quickly with someone. The kind of trust you want to have with a lover takes time. That goes for life - Second, First, Imaginary, whatever. When you get burned, you have to resist the urge to stop trusting or stop building trust with people. You don't want to end your life and think back on how sheltered and safe it was. You want to look back and see moments of pain, moments of beauty and joy and countless experiences, both good and bad.

What a silly question, you Should NEVER trust an Sl lover... they display poor judgment, addictive personalities, a detachment from reality, lack of life planning and a host of other ailments that make them unsuitable to be around, and certainly untrustworthy...

oh wait, you meant people IN SL that are YOUR lover.... oh well that's different, sure why not as long as they give you no reason to think otherwise... but really how much of a relationship are you going to get LD through a computer? it has it's limits.

Personally, I don't use anything on the internet as a dating or even a rl friend making platform. The internet is anonymous and nearly impossible to regulate with laws, so why bother taking the chance? SL for me is just for kicks.

But I do realize that a lot of people feel differently, and messing with someone's feelings online is just as bad as doing it in real life. Maybe even worse in a way, since you're hiding behind that anonymity to avoid repercusion.

To some people this limits are part of the appeal.

I think the question should be 'Can you really trust yourself and your own judgment?' If the answer is no, then maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself why. People are sometimes so quick to 'fall' they forget that love and mutual trust takes time. Would you move in with someone after only 3 weeks? I find that there are a lot of vulnerable people out there (SL/RL), wearing their hearts on their sleeves, 'falling' after only a few kind words from a stranger. Some individuals seem to prey on the lonely and less confidant. It genuinely makes me sad and I sometimes want to grab and shake some sense into them.

I know this might seem harsh, especially if you are hurting at the moment, but please, slow down. The more you learn to like who you are, the less you will be vulnerable to heart break.

/me takes off my Ann Landers av and hopes she doesn't sound too preachy...

If you need proof it ain't trust.