Ok, can someone just tell me what is wrong with me?

I believe this is because Yumi is blocked at the stage where she has to trust someone enough to accept that what they are telling her is true, rather than staying with the beliefs she has built around herself. Nobody can help her with the parts of the problem past this stumbling block until the block is removed.
She will not try anything that puts her out of her comfort zone with regards this issue because she does not trust anyone here enough to take that step over what might be a long drop (figuratively speaking) to earnestly try suggested things. We have seen that here in many posts. We have also seen her question, bargain and reason her way around accepting what people are telling her. She will continue to do this until she trusts someone enough just to accept that they know better than on this issue and to trust enough to try whatever they suggest.
I doubt on the internet especially over a purely text medium it is even possible to build that level of trust enough to help with this problem even if that person was professionally trained - I would be very surprised if significant progress is made here due to that alone.
This is why going to an RL counsellor is needed to deal with it. Often it takes a long time to make a breakthrough even then. What you do get with an RL counsellor though is privacy and someone who is qualified in the techniques to build the kind of trust needed to progress people past the stumbling blocks they have placed in the way of themselves.
If Yumi really wants help with this part of her life she will seriously consider my advice. However it maybe she is not yet ready to take that step yet.

In that case though, she should have said "I don't know about that" instead of "oh, well."

Maybe if she had been briefed before hand on how to communicate with you she would have...

Is the OP still obsessing about this?

And are people still enabling it?

see post #1. then post #426. note all dates and times.

you tell us.

Exactly what I was thinking....people are not mind readers! You have to say exactly what you want or chances are you just wont get it. Being passive in life doesn't generally get things done, its the others who get it done.

3Ring/Melita, #426 was in response to a question about the original dialog. As I mentioned, my thoughts and intentions about that are in the past, so they can't be changed.

I do appreciate what people have said and do realise that this was probably a misunderstanding caused by me being unclear about what I wanted.

The only thing that still upsets me are the posts telling me to give up and even leave, compared to the ones telling me to keep going, grow and learn. That is harder than it was though

Yumi, take on board the positives and ignore the negatives

we can all use some of this every day

I can relate to where yumi is coming from, it is hard to stay positive when being slammed with negative, be it RL or SL

I look at my life and think I have it tough, things get rough, etc, then I look at my friend who just lost her dad and my heart goes out to her, it puts the crap I deal with everyday, in perspective and very very small in comparison.

I had to log today because I was almost crying when I would hear her tell friends what happened. She is a strong woman and doesn't deserve the hurt, sadly life is never fair, in any regard.

So yes, we can all use the "take on the positive and ignore the negative" all the time. Even when it is tough.

I have two advices:

First: Be really, really bold; actually, start being rude a bit. Rude in the way of "Hey I want that, will you give it to me?" and "Hey I want to participate, can I come? I know, how to organise work tasks". When people react negatively, be rude by saying "Aaw, that sucks, bye", and go immediately out and find someone new to team up. If they don't want to give an item to you, say" Aww, that sucks, do you know, where I could obtain something similar?" That sort of rudeness works better in this environment.

Second: Extend that boldness to your other activities. Build something that yopu really, really like. Do it, even though you cannot be sure, if others appreciate it. If noone says a thing, you can always say to yourself: "But at least one person likes it: me". If people criticies it, you just say: "Well, TP somewhere else" If people say" Well, that is so-so, might be better in blue", you can always offer to do it in blue for this avatar. You will be surprised, how many positive reactions you might get, even if you're rude.

And when you ask someone, if they want to team with you for building tasks, you say "Hey, I think your building skills are grat, I have this project, I'm working at this and this, do you want to join?" Then they have to either say Yes, No, or bail out by being vague, but it is still no loss to you. Then, if they bail or decline, go to the next building type. Post requests in the appropriate forum. Make it an issue to ask at least five or two or ten people per day. Then, if you find, if someone had clearly declined, without the involvement of tests and the idea of social face versus real intentions, and they still build it themselves, well, there are a lot of good advive in this thread for this situation.
However, when that happens, find a team, that builds that thing again, just better.

But in general, I seriously think, you will have to give up a lot of the key features of your upbringing, because Second Life works different. I think the keyword really is differences in culture.

You are wrong about that. For example, when I was 19 I might have thought that 'True' by Spandau Ballet was a deeply significant song redolant of philosophical truth. Now, I know it is a load of teenage angst and blah. You can change your thoughts about that original conversation, and I think you certainly should. You were NOT deceived. You were NOT shut down. You were NOT discouraged. You were NOT prevented from doing what you wanted to do. Not by your aquaintance, at any rate. But by yourself? YES, resoundingly.

I realise that the culture in your country is to be oblique in many ways, and that definite answers are not always thought polite. But the majority of the people on these forums and is SL are not from that culture. Ask them a direct question, you will get a direct answer. In this case probably more than your original question warranted. I am joining this thread now, in the hopes that seeing a new responant will help you take a fresh look at the situation.



That may be so, but have you now accepted that you MUST be clearer in future? Also, there is a distinct attitude in some of your further comments that your aquaintance was somehow obliged to read your mind, encourage you AGAINST your own fairly clear opinion, and support your idea through to completion. Why? Why should this person, even given their apparently ideal position and ability to do these things, support you in such a way? This is above and beyond the call of friendship.



Well in life we will sometimes be upset. We accept it and carry on, or we give up. I haven't seen any suggestions that you leave SL entirely forever - are you reading too much into the comments? At any rate, you must perforce accept what has happened - that cannot be changed. Only your attitude towards it can. The alternative is to go on feeling hard done by and resentful. And you will not attract new friends and aquaintances that way. At least, not any you would want.

QFT.

Not only that but Yumi's upset at the situation was probably also compounded by the internet-age-old problem of lack of the usual visual cues, body language etc in conversation.

We all -know- this happens, and are reminded often enough (maybe already in this thread; it's so long now I've forgotten!) but we still tend to let it slip from our minds that the person we're chatting to just cannot see in our eyes, or notice the disappointed look on our face, if they don't pick up our verbal hints and cues on how we actually feel about something. In text of course it's worse.

Plus, some folk are are blithely oblivious anyway, no matter what, and you have to just out with it if you want to be understood.

It's damned hard enough even in a RL face to face conversation with someone that knows us well - let alone a relative stranger and using avs in SL.

Yumi, I realise it's difficult if you're at all sensitive, or shy and reserved. I'm a bit like that myself and I know it -is- hard to be as open and direct as others who find it much easier. Still, you can't blame someone for not seeing into your thoughts. (Hey, I must remember to take my own advice more often!)



Yep. Come on Yumi, Have a *hug* and let it go, eh? Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and today is another day - entirely fresh and new.

--
Aes

Hyperlexia Language Disorder

Pep (IANAP! And I am not being rude; it seems to fit the symptoms)

PS Not just you either.

Shutup!

May I remind you that this forum is PG.

Pep (Too late! An avalanche of ARs for maltreating kid avatars have already been posted)

See, this is the constant "it's all my fault" thing I was talking about, it's fairly discouraging in itself.

And by the way, I did actually believe people here that there was no malicious intent.. until the "business partner" of the person in question sent me a snarky notecard this morning!



At the time I wrote the message, I wasn't thinking they'd support it through to completion; and I thought (apparantly wrongly) that I made it clear that although I may have had the opinion it wouldn't work, I didn't like having that opinion, and would thus like it argued against (due to the initial statement that I _would_ like to do the build).

Your inability to accept that it IS your fault is your problem. Why is it so hard for you to realize that you made a mistake by being self-defeating. It is NOT the other person's responsibility to convince you to do anything. Get that through your head.

They're probably just sick and tired of seeing you play the victim here.



Your oblique nature requires people to read minds, which we cannot do.

Amen to that!

It is not hard for me to realize that I was self-defeating.

It is not yet clear that I made a _mistake_ by being self-defeating (I may have been right).

The fact that people are saying I'm bad, people are sick and tired of me, I'm whining, etc suggests that it was not a mistake.

Also, it may not have been the other person's responsibility, but the virtual world doesn't have to permit me to be self-defeating.

If that is the case, then why did you pose the question to begin with?

Because I was hoping to be told what was wrong with me in a way that I could fix it, not just "you were self-defeating, the end".

Psychologist or Counseling...NOT random people from all over the world with little or no experience in counseling people congregating in a forum for a virtual world.

A defeatist attitude is incurable by definition.

Pep (If you show a defeatist that they are wrong, then they are wrong, which is what they believed in the first place.)

And so the circle begins again. I'm tired of this dance. You should consider seeking professional help.

No one is saying that you are a bad person overall. But you have a history of being extremely negative and in this instance you ARE whining. You expect people to do superhuman things to make you feel accepted and yet you relish in your outsider status, otherwise you wouldn't try so hard to be right about being shunned. Keep it up and you will definitely be right.

You have completely failed to acknowledge the points that SL is a big place and that 99.999944% of people DON'T KNOW YOU, don't care to know, but would visit your place if it was cool. But because you have it stuck in your brain that you're some outsider, you've entered the point of this being a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Self defeat isn't something the world permits or doesn't permit. It is a product of YOUR mind.

If you want to build something, build it for you. So that it doesn't matter if anyone else comes to see it or not. Resolve in your mind to never give up, to go down swinging in every fight. Yes living daily life is a fight. YOU have to resolve daily to win.