Another relationship thread

There is room for all of it- just takes adjustment- SL and RL can coexist - yes, I think it's cheating too- I just choose to do what I do fully aware that a bill will come due eventually. Eyes wide open. Why deny yourself love and happiness? Don't short change your RL, mind you- I manage to keep that precarious balance- but in world, I am happily in love.

Supporter of polyamorous relationships- Now if I could convince RL hubby...

It's true some people are users- but that is found both in and out of SL. I am a very lucky girl. I wish you well Her-

I'm not sure what balance you're talking about Her, but if it's what I think it is then my view is this.

If you're single in RL, then no problem.

If you're not single in RL, and you keep your SL relationship secret, then you're cheating and I'm not sure if there is any "balance" to be achieved in cowardice, dishonesty and infidelity.

If you're not single in RL, and your partner knows but doesn't care, then to be honest I'm not even sure how that relationship works.

I'm not holier than thou, and while I admit to being so vanilla it's boring, I do have friends that have tried the whole open relationship/ swinging thing (often to inject some interest into an already flagging relationship).

What I've heard is that the only way those relationships work is if there is a commitment that the "L" word will be kept sacred between only two.

On the other side, I've also got friends who much more staidly and boringly have broken up due to infidelity.

In those cases, it was always the fact that the heart was involved rather than the loins which caused the most upset and eventual break up.

Perhaps there are other ways for this all to work, and I'm sure people will now jump in with the "we're fine" argument. I genuinely hope you are, but my experience suggests that on closer inspection things are rarely as fine as is made out.

I know SL is a very immersive and seductive place, and the speed at which things happen can take you by surprise. I guess though, being an old stick in the mud, my advice would be jump off the fence and commit to one thing or person fully rather than trying to achieve a "balance".

Obviously I might have got this all wrong, if so I apologise..

It's hard when the relationships end- you cry and cry and feel like the world will end- hey- just like RL - you threaten you are leaving SL- then hopefully your friends offer support and you realize, yo can no sooner walk out of this life than reality- yes you are hooked- SL/Rl makes no difference love is love and so is life - this is just another plane.

That's technical stuff, I don't know.

I'm trying so hard to stop myself getting a bunch of roses and running round going "LOOK!!! ALL ROSES!!!" but then someone would be even more pedantic and point out that there's stems and leaves and thorns and all that.

That said, agree with you. Maybe it's not balance that's the right word, it's perspective needed.

Yes Cherry its my perspective that is out of wack.

OK, I looked in again .. /me smacks wrist.
Raudf, you are one in a million .. and your husband probably knows that, lucky man. I'm certain most others will see even pixels as a threat, otherwise why do we have so many threads like this?


My partner and I did not see eye to eye and we have had many deep debates about our interpretations and reasons of and for SL. Communication is vital. Heck, isn't that part of SL anyway? but posters of these threads seem all too afraid of communicating with their RL; is that what makes SL so seductive, the apparent openness and 'honesty' of the other avatar?

"Apparent" is sometimes the word. Especially if you yourself are very transparent in your dealings, it's easy to view others' motivations as being similar to your own.

And very easy to be drawn in world and not really see the consequences - good bad or just interesting (or not) at the time. Experience helps, but not without bloodying your nose first in most people's cases.

Depends what you want, Her, (assuming you know what you want, which might be a reason - rather than reluctance - for not describing what you actually want) and whether the other person wants the same thing. And for polyamory, whether the other other person (or persons) wants the same thing - the complications grow exponentially not serially. And of course it depends on whether you are all telling the truth, to each other and yourselves. And whether any sort of logical management of a relationship, such as the participants in this thread are attempting to explain, is actually possible in a situation where emotion trumps intellect yet again.

No different in fact from real life, except you are missing the non-verbal component which makes up 90% of face to face communication. Which kinda explains some of the problems.

Pep (And just when you think you know someone they change, or do they?)

Cams. LOL.

That's still a pale shadow though.

We have been very open thus far with each other. Its not a matter of not letting each other know the real us. Actually we have had an amazing SL together, unheard of from what I have seen of others.

Too good to be true?

Pep (A cynic is what an optimist calls a realist)

All a matter of perspective, again

I felt the same way when I started out in SL. I learned pretty quickly though that it's not just adding more "special somethings" to what you already have. Many times, it actually detracts from ones RL feelings to feed their SL feelings, and can be very hard to see. For me, recognizing that and setting an emotional boundary I will not cross in SL has allowed me to enjoy and protect both RL and SL relationships. Love in SL, in all it's strange and quirky forms, is pretty much endless in capacity... but the energy and comittment needed to fuel that has to come from somewhere. Too many times people choose to just blindly follow their heart, and that leads them into some pretty nasty RL/SL situations.

This is an excellent post, and very true. I'd go one further and state that if you are content in RL, nothing in SL will really touch you for more than a brief time and once the novelty has worn off you'll knock it in the head. Like Dana. If you are not happy in your real life then there's something which needs to be addressed. And if you are not happy with yourself you can't make other people happy either.

Shouldn't that be "A realist is what an optimist calls a cycnic"? Conversely, making "A realist what a cynic calls an optimist". A realist calls a cynic and an optimist irrelevant.

And irrelevancy will set you free...

My 2 cents worth:

It can work... at least for a while... if two things are in place...

First the parties are a compatible match. This isn't easy, it would seem like anyone with a hot AV in the right timezone could work out, but in my experience it actually works out rather like RL in that it takes a while to find real compatibility.

Secondly, both parties need to be on the same page regarding boundaries, the most important boundary being the SL/RL one. A difference of opinion, however slight, about that boundary, will send the relationship careening off into dust.

I have seen long-term SL (e.g. over 2 years) relationships where both parties keep things strictly SL.

I have seen long-term SL going to RL relationships where either both parties plan to meet, or have met successfully.

And of course relationships end, it is just like RL in that regard but everything is sped up.

About the whole "is it cheating" aspect:

Yes, it is cheating... and???

Easy to say "try to fix the RL relationship, or leave it, etc. etc." but the people who say that have usually not been in RL situations that are very complex.

No.

Pep (Are there words or punctuation missing from your post?)

IM me in world sometime

12 years in the BDSM world rl makes for some VERY complex life!

I know I have found the perfect friend in SL, 100% compatible. I have never met another where we are so alike we always even type the same thing non stop word for word. In an eerie way. We are also very realistic about what we have and how it can never be in our first lives. That isnt so much my problem.

I don't believe in the concept of cheating unless you're on diet.
Sexuality or i.e relationships are personal, personally I believe just because love someone it means they own your sexuality or who they are inside, even if you're into bdsm because their are things you just can't own in other people regardless of how big and bad of Sadist or Dominate you may be.
I think if you're honest, upfront about things it's important.
My thing is if the one you love isn't able to met you half way about sexual aspect or respect your need for sexual expressions in same way and expects fidelity it's equivalent of holding you hostage and totally unfair.
Expecting someone to be faithful when that part of relationship isn't working for both parties for whatever reason is off balance, and unhealthy expectation.
Everyone has different values and needs.
Your ideas and values about relationships may be different.
Everyone has set idea what love is or what it means, different degrees at acquiring it be in RL or SL.
I love my SL friends or my RL/SL boyfriend because of the context of relationship i.e how I feel when I am around them, the qualities I admire in them, how we overcome or figured out how to survive stressful events in our relationship and still maintain the relationship,
time I have grown accustom to them, the feelings I have that added into my life, my ablity to admire, appreciate, trust and respect them over a long period of time.
Yes there is real feelings with relationships here same as RL, i.e fear of rejection, what if they find someone else better, more fun and sometimes they do, yes sometimes it hurts.
It is even happen in SL and it hurt but realistically when I look at the situation we are better off as friends then as lovers I couldn't provide what he needed.
It would been unfair to expect him to be only with me if it wasn't what he wanted., the expectation would be unrealistic and unfair to the persons involved.
It would off balance to expect someone to only want me and no one else be it in SL or RL.
Balance thing only goes off when I am expecting things to be different then they actually are or can be at the moment. or personally creating a bunch of inner drama about situation i.e/ emotionally demanding that things be different then they are either in relationship with others or with myself.
Yet part of being human is we want things or believe we must have things often based on some idea based on illusion or conditioning that media or society has fed us to believe is so.

Glad to see this is all rolling along nicely. Not too many men posting in here with their perspective though what I have read from the other men seems on par with my thoughts also.
Her…to me it sounds like you have something good in SL but fear it may end for what ever reason and you are tying to understand how that loss my feel. I can tell you from past experience that it feels just like real life lost love. It hurts. There are the phases of grief that follow until you meet someone who can take your mind off the past and allow you to move forward again. Maybe you’ve experienced these feelings before? RL/SL? Maybe you feel its all too good to be true and you’re asking us to give you a pinch to make sure you’re not dreaming. Or maybe you are dealing with some guilt that this SL relationship is interfering with your RL. idk But as you can see the comments and advice run from one end of the field to the other so in the end it’s your life RL/SL and no one is going to be able to live it for you. Not unless you give me your password then I can be Her and cause all sorts of trouble for you and your bf.

Random things to interject:

If you are hiding, then it is not good. Label it as you see fit. But hiding implies guilt and intentional deception. Just ask Richard Nixon; cover up will kill you. In all things, the act of hiding is more heinous than the act it's self.

Things move fast in SL. There is no body language or facial expressions so we rely soley on the writtten word. We talk more and share more just to say the simple things. It's a level of communication many mariages don't have and we have these with people we hardly know. Spend a little time with them and you are in love -- or infatuation. It really matters very little what you call it, you crave the atention and affection you feel either way. Guard your heart, because you will fall for someone who is not at all who you think they are.

Make time to be with your family. If your SL compainion truly loves you they will insist on it. If they demand more of your time than you can afford to give, move on. Really. I know. Yes. It hurts and they are so wonderful and they are always there when your family is bickering and they just want to love you and make you happy and puppy dogs with roses follow them everywhere .... You are projecting what you want to fill the gaps of what you know and if they want more than you can give they are selfish. Period. end of story. They WILL hurt you in the end anyway so why ruin your famly ties trying to prevent the enavitible?

With the sole exception of your spouse (if you have one), every relationship you have had before has ended. You will have your heart broken. It is as certian as death. So, do you live in fear, live in denial or accept the love you are given and face the heartache when it comes?

And my own feeling about the whole thing ... there is not enough time in the world to love, comfort and protect even a fraction of the people that I know who so desperatly need it and deserve so much better than they have been given. I wish I could. But there is only one me, and I have commitments ... more than I should have made ... there is no balance any more. There is only the constant struggle to support and care for those I have chosen. And I wouldn't have it any other way, because they give so much to me in return.