The dangers of casual sex

I'm married in RL (20 years) and have never come close to cheating on my wife.

I've been in SL only about three months. My RL wife is my SL girlfriend, though we haven't officially become partners or bought land and a house yet. We have been intimate.

I've been hit on by a number of women lately. Last night ended up with me in her house doing a couples dance—nothing more. But I get the distinct feeling that this could go all the way in a heartbeat.

Since I am relatively new, could I get some opinions about casual sex in SL, the positives and the negatives?

It depends on how your wife feels about it. You two should definitely talk and work out some guidelines first. She may absolutely abhor the idea.

That said, my RL husband and I tried partnering in SL. It didn't work. We amicably unpartnered and went our separate ways. He has his relationships, and I have mine. He held me while I cried when my companion of 9 months went on his way. I held him when one of his girls broke his heart. It works.

But...not all wives/husbands are like that. Talk.

Well, you don't have the mess, you don't have diseases, you don't need to worry about condoms, you can instantly teleport there and away so it's fairly discreet, plus there is the idea that some people take it less serious as it's within the context of a "game" so they loosen some of their social constraints. I think what I'm saying is that it's easier to cheat or indulge in casual "sex" within SL than it is within RL. Just be careful and don't f-up your RL relationship.

This is something you should be talking about with your RL partner, honestly.

If she don't want you engaging in cybersex with others then it's bound to cause problems if you do it (behind her back) and it eventually comes out.

If she doesn't mind there might still be some conditions and that's for the two of you to work out then and to respect any concerns either one might have.

All You need to do is answer 3 questions and you will have all the info you need.

1. How would you feel if your RL wife did it?

2. How does your RL wife feel about you doing it?

3 How would you feel if you did it?

Answer those and your path should be clear.

Live responsibly.

What Honey said.

Run that one past the missus.

If she doesn't mind, do what you're comfortable with. Otherwise, keep them prims in inventory.

Oh...and make sure you're up front with the other girl too. She shouldn't be led on to thing something serious is forming.

I give casual sex two thumbs up.

The safest way to handle casual sex in SL is to avoid it. I have known of many marriages that have been damaged or broken due to indiscretions in SL.

If you still want to consider casual SL sex, I definitely agree with the above posters that you should discuss it with your wife. If you engage in casual sex clandestinely, it will feel like you are cheating, and this will damage the fabric of your marriage.

If you wish to have casual SL sex, are you all right with your wife also having casual SL sex? Many women would argue that if you are allowed casual SL sex, the wife should be allowed casual sex also. The wife having casual SL sex is what causes the problems more often than the husband having casual SL sex. Sex is different for women than for men. Women tend to fall in love with sexual partners more than man do, probably for a variety of cultural and biological reasons. This is even true of virtual SL sex. Many people have fallen in love with their virtual SL sex partners. Are you willing to risk your wife falling in love with another man?

I would find it diffficult to believe that a person could fall in love with someone you only know through the internet, and perhaps through phone conversations, and maybe cam, but it happened to me also. I am a widow in RL. I was married 22 years before cancer claimed my husband, so I am probably of about the same age as you and your wife. I also have numerous SL friends who have fallen in love with their SL partners, often to their amazement. Some of them were married in RL, and the attachment to the SL partner did cause problems for them.

On the other hand, I know a number of people who are married in RL who do have casual SL sex and tell me that this is not a problem for them. These people are more often men than women.

Some people consider SL sex to be cheating on a spouse, some do not. I will not have SL sex with a man married in RL because it feels wrong to me. When I was new to SL, I hung out with a man married in RL for about a month. I had to break it off because I felt like the other women in his marriage, even though he said it wasn't a problem for him. His wife did not know of his SL activities, and he said that she would be very upset if she ever found out about them. That made it feel wrong to me.

I believe everyeone needs to answer the question for themselves as to whether or not SL sex is cheating on a spouse.

My advice: If you wouldn't get involved in a certain way in RL, then don't do it in SL.
We can build, script, fly and TP in SL, but we and everyone else here are real live people behind the keyboards.

SL is very seductive. Everyone (just about) is beautiful and there are some beautiful places in which to meet beautiful people.
It would be easy to get carried away by the fantasy and forget that the other avatars have feelings as real as our own.

Perhaps SL stands for Silly Life

I'll second that, and add to each question:-

1. How would you feel if your RL wife did it, knowing that she is getting aroused with someone else?

2. How does your RL wife feel about you doing it, knowing that you are getting aroused with someone else?

3 How would you feel if you did it - getting aroused with someone else?

Could not have said it better.

Ann might post up a picture showing the *real* danger of casual SL sex.

Oooh! Did Ann get caught with a bun in the oven? =D

Thanks for the advice.

I will say, "No thank you." to all present and future opportunities and stay faithful both in RL and SL.

Damn those sexy avatars!

Could you handle your RL wife walking into the room and peeking over your shoulder while you were having SLex? If not, I would have to say um....no.

My advice is to have casual sex with as many people as you can in SL. No commitments, no emotion, no relationships. Just sex for the sake of having sex.

SL is not RL. RL rules and restrictions do not apply. Enjoy the fantasy and forget about RL.

What your RL doesn't know won't hurt them. Just make sure they don't find out. If you get busted, remind them its just a video game, like Pong, only with more options.

Guilt is way over-rated.

RL divorce lawyers just love people like you...


Just sayin'...

There are really only two dangers:

RL Drama

SL Drama

Thats it.

--------------------------------------

Unless its a PG sim ..

then you can add Linden Drama.

LOL he owns Hard Alley .. what else would he have said?

It would be like the Owner of Burger King telling people that they should eat Red Meat.

1: First and most important, discuss it with your RL spouse, before you do anything you might regret. I have seen real marriges go straight into the toilet because a husband and wife who both thought it was "OK" for each other to do virtual dating with others wound up with it becoming too real for one or the other. I know at least one couple where the husband dumped his real wife to shack up in real life with the player of his virtual lover. There is a VERY real risk of damaging your marriage, unless you BOTH agree about what is acceptable behavior, and stick to that set of limits.

2: If either of you are uncomfortable with the idea of either of you having virtual sex with someone else, then DON'T DO IT. Just tell the other people that you meet in SL that you are happily married in RL and don't date anyone else, even virtually. Most people in SL will appreciate the honesty there. Just tell them up front that they can expect nothing more than a "just friends" situation, because your heart already belongs to someone else in real life.

3: Be aware that there is no way to know what the other avatar's Player really is like. That cute college-aged lady with the charming French accent that you were dancing with might really be a 50 year old gay truck driver from New York. The studly male lothario that your wife might fall for might actually be a 19 year old geek who still lives in mom's basement, or a bored housewife with closet Gay fantasies. If either of you DID fall for a virtual partner, how would you feel if your real relationship was damaged by a virtual one that could never be in real life as you experienced it on-screen?

So... Assuming that you and your real wife are both OK with the other person having virtual sex with someone else... and are OK with the fact that the others you might involve may not be what they seem to be... some other considerations.

DO let any potential partner know up front that your Player is married in real life. If they can't accept that you're already taken in real life, do nothing more than being friends.

A good rule to follow is to make it clear up front that anything that might happen is just for fun, between the avatars. Make it clear that you don't date in RL, and that there should be no expectations from either side that any "relationship" will go beyond friendship in the real world, no matter what happens in SL. It can be a lot of fun to collaboratively create an erotic scene between two people, and can be harmless IF you both agree it's just fantasy entertainment.

If you and your wife are amenable to doing so, and if you are both stimulated by watching sexy movies and stuff like that, you might want to have her watching over your shoulder, or you watching over hers, while the other is out on a "sexy virtual date" with someone else. Especially the first few times out. You may find it stimulating, like watching a porn film together. Or you may find that it really bothers one or both of you to know what the other is doing, in which case it's a VERY good idea to back off and stop the virtual dating.

SL can be very good for experimenting with sexual fantasies in a safe way. No diseases, no unplanned pregnancies, and if something goes sour, just log off or teleport away. It's anonymous, so you can feel less inhibited about trying things you might not be caught dead trying in real life. This *could* be used quite creatively to learn new erotic "games" that you and your wife might both enjoy. You never know...

Hey thats pretty admirable.

Some people's spouses of course are fine with it -

but you know your wife -

not a bunch of us on the internet.

Now I'm curious: what is Hard Alley? Or do I need to wait until after work and do a search on it?

/me reminds herself that curiosity killed the cat ...

I think I have mentioned this before, but my life mirrors your's.
Ditto all the way.

Alvaro,
Basic rule of thumb, if you feel like you have to hide it, you are headed for heartbreak.
Positives and negative:
Everyone like to feel they are still desirable, so yes, it is an ego boost to be hit on by very attractive people.
No need for excuses, just start another alt and never call her

Negatives: virtual affairs are just as painful as real ones and there is nothing at all more emotionally painful than betrayal of a spouse.

Communication, communication, communication. Don't push, listen to each other, be willing to give and undersatand that she needs to feel safe with you and desired by others as well. If you can not opperate like this then don't go down that road.

Excellent post, Ceera.