Friends With Benefits

There's been a lot of forimizing about morals, fidelity and sex and guilt over delicious self-pleasuring. So I wonder if we could institute a kinda moral process here that would fit our sl "devices and desires".
Since I discovered boys in real, I have long been a confirmed adherent to the "Friends With Benefits" philosophy. Making out with a bloke to get a better seat at a rock concert, being available to another for a favour, making a party more fun are all ways "benefits" can be applied. And you dont need me to spell out what benefits I am talking about.
Seriously, I am partnered to one man but he never expects me to remain monogomononous. That is a bit over the top. Hal encourages me to explore my inner self and I dont need a second invitation. I am a lucky little avatar!
But, why can't women in sl get with it and help develop a braver new world and be less insistent on "my man belongs to me only - 'ands orf"? Why can't men stop pestering women with moralities that suit the moral majority "back home" in reality? Why bring old customs here when we need new and exciting ways to explore each other?
This is a new world. Let's have new values and experiment on what relationships mean. I'm always looking for a new horizon line in terms of relationships and lovers - are you?

Answer to all: Because your world is not my world... we just happen to be in the same...

People come here for a variety of different reasons, Jig.

For some, feeling a level of commitment and devotion from someone is what makes them happy. I personally think, that it is very limiting to expect commitment in this venue.....limiting for both people involved....there is a world to explore. But I have friends that are very content and very happy in a committed relationship, and it nourishes their soul. None of us are in a position to tell others how to go about their SL lives.

I encourage people to explore....but not if it goes against their grain. Some times they are just hesitant based on concepts they brought from RL....and they truly want to explore, just need to work through some fears.....but some times the exploration you are suggesting goes against their grain, regardless of what venue they are in.....and it's back off time.

Even those who have gone about SL exploring everything to the Nth degree, might be approaching a time period where they want to experience that commitment and devotion, at the other end of the spectrum.....so they are simply adjusting their adventure and exploration. That's a new "horizon line" for them. Just depends on how you started out.

As for "friends with benefits"......hate that phrase. Reduces your friendship to something with a Pay Off. Friendships shouldn't work that way.

Friendship IS a benefit.

Jig...interesting spellings aside (I do rather like "forimizing" and "monogomonous", yours is certainly a very liberated philosophy. I tried, in fact, to take this view when I came to SL.

In Real Life, there are some good reasons for (most) societies having adopted monogamous serial marriage as the cultural norm and the touchpoint for moral behavior. For one thing, it is (arguably) the best system yet devised for ensuring the care and nurturing of children, and this is a sine qua non for any viable society.

It assures protection for the woman. In return for bearing and taking a large part of the child-rearing duties, she obtains economic security.

Monogamy is a protection against disease, and, by not having to rely on persons of unknown moral qualities for physical gratification, protection against rape and other dangers.

But in SL, none of these considerations apply. There is no rape, no STDs, no need to barter sexual favors for economic security (economic GAIN, yes, but no one has to put out to keep food on the table). There are no children to be hurt by extramarital affairs or marital breakups. So...why NOT be free and easy, as you say?

One reason: The human heart.

Des will point out that I'm confusing sex and relationships again. I suppose I am...but I have found that even in SL, making a commitment to one person (well, in my case two) provides so much more satisfaction, pleasure, comfort, and pure joy than any amount of casual fornication. Love resonates with and heightens sexual enjoyment.

Just how monogamous ought one to be? I think that depends on the people involved. You are in a long term relationship with Hal, but it's a very open one, and he doesn't seem threatened or hurt by that. That's fine. In my case, there is a degree of openness as well, but perhaps not so much. I would not barter my sexual favors for a theatre ticket, for example. Out of friendship or for comfort, yes, sometimes. Other partners may choose to be completely exclusive, "just us two and nobody else".

It's all good, as long as everyone understands the rules and nobody gets hurt.

I dub Jig "nomnomnomogamous".

At least with the men, if I'm going to pixel slap with them I -DO NOT- want to know them or friend them or deal with them again...

Its just easier with the women for me to work the boundaries and keep it casual and yet also friendly. Probably because I don't feel aggravated in the presence of women... Around men my flight/fight instinct is fighting with the 'bunny bounce' instinct.

My SL behavior might be a reflection of my RL morality, but not my RL conduct per se - its just not practical or sane to bounce on every boy and girl you meet in RL.

Much as my hippie ideals might want to, I was born in San Francisco and lived here in the 80s - I've seen the costs. I may think the people who think that was a conservative/government conspiracy are nuts - but its fact that slowed efforts to find a cure have been politically driven. People with a liberated ethos are not just risking their health - they're targets.

The notion a few posts about the human heart is another thing to take into account. Even if you're the type who doesn't link 'bunny bouncing' with 'cuddly bears' - chances are most people you deal with do, as doing so is natural - and you're going to hurt a lot of people if you're a bit too careless about being liberated.

Oh no, would not say anything of the kind! I don't see where actual sex comes into any of this.

Though ~ if I am reading this right, you are involved with two people while making a case for monogamy? That's fine... even if a little bit confusing.

I'm a Californian that has spent plenty of time in the central and south Pacific, there's really nothing that's going to shock me, and if anything the people here are rather prudish with regard to behaviour in general. Which is also fine, I'm okay with people having their own comfort zones.

Most of the personal relationship stuff falls squarely under "is it any of my business" and the answer is solidly 'No.' Thus I don't judge it or worry about it. I suppose if everyone was running around uptight and frustrated it might impact me a little.

/me grins

Who said life was simple? Yes, I'm monogamous (mostly), in SL...with two women, in a three-way lesbian partnership.

Well, I confess to using the term "serial monogamous marriage" simply as a point of contrast to "Free Love". To be technically correct, I am in a polygamous lesbian relationship.

I'll chip in on the "different strokes for different folks" side.

Personally, I have had plenty of sexual exploration in RL, so I just don't feel much need to explore my sexual identity in SL.

Creativity and imagination, on the other hand, are things I haven't had much outlet for in RL, so in SL I most enjoy creating things and seeing what other people create.

My experience with metrosexuality is ... considerable. What I found while sweeping up after other people's disasters and keeping this and that out of the tabloid newspapers, is that the rules don't matter. It makes no difference where you put yourself on the moral spectrum, or what your track record has been like - each new encounter has the potential to blindside you. THerefore, rules are no defence, because you can be blindsided by meeting someone in circumstances where *exactly nothing happens*, yet everyone concerns starts behaving as if it did!

Only those people who do not party at all, imagine that some rules are going to make anyone feel better. No partying, by the way, is just another good way to end up acting like a complete lunatic.

I just want to point out that, at any given time, the odds are far greater that Brenda needs freeing.

Just saying.

That's pretty much exactly my personal perspective on it as well.

Yes...probably from your Eeevil Clutches. I picked up a bottle of Duct Tape Adhesive Dissolver just today, just in case...

Never!

I very much agree with this and Agents comment about Friendship being a benefit in itself.
If I want something in here or RL I will get it myself I will not sleep with someone in RL or SL to get it sorry I think sex is more than that.
If Jig you feel the need to bonk others good for you glad you have a man who does not care and I hope the same rules apply to him. In SL I in fact find it rather boring after all there is so much more to SL than sex

Sorry...I guess I have a little more respect for myself, in RL and/or SL

Oh? And what's that bundle there behind your back?

I can't see why anyone would want to partner with someone then sleep around what's brave or new about that? been going on forever.
Even worse to broadcast it to everyone, who wants to know? I have more respect for myself and if I had a prtner is sl I wouldn't demean him by telling everyone he just is prepared tp 'put up with it' so to speak.

I've always been a relatively understanding person with a tolerant POV. Just don't go thumping your bibles at me.

One thing that surprises me, about SL is how so many men here feel they need to own women and so many women feel they need to be owned. Especially when actual needs are so few and easily fulfilled in SL. But I'm digressing away from relationships--which seems to be the point of this thread.

I guess my point is I'm surprised that so many people seem to feel they need to bring along the conventions and restrictions of RL into SL.

I agree...up to a point. That's what I was trying to say earlier, we are in a different situation here, and different rules should apply...or at least, we should look at the old rules and see if they still make sense. People can't take your stuff here...so why have locks on your door and banlines (fences)? That sort of thing.

But we are still people. Take Justine's post just above yours for example. She apparently favors an exclusive relationship, and thinks an open one is immoral. And that's fine for her. Just as sleeping with anything in pants may be OK for J...er, for someone else.

Some cultural rules and customs that we absorb, nearly unconsciously, are hard to set aside.

Lol, are these examples of "Friends with Benefits" or "Strangers with Benefits"? Not that I care, whatever floats your boat.

SL is an ideal place to indulge in experiences that RL precludes, for whatever reason. For some, that may be a joyous celebration of sex with diverse partners. For others, a tight friendship that persists for years. For some, the delight of building furniture that people like enough to pay for. For others, effortlessly appearing as an exquisitely attractive human ... or fox .. or ferret.

Sex is fun to talk about, but I suspect that your sexual diversions have been less adventurous for you than creating your art gallery, Jig. Adventure is where you find it!

because people feel more secure when they are the sole object of desire? it's like a non-competition clause (one I don't bother with in RL personally)


because SL is till part of reality? because some from that "moral minority" in reality ALSO are in SL? both work.


I'm not sure random pixel sex counts as new or even particularly exciting for large portions of the population. I think it's more about breaking social taboos for some people. but we already have the new and exciting, since in SL you can be anything, and that lets you mind stand out over your physical circumstances.


in an environment where anyone can be anything, the people that stand out are the ones that are unique and interesting of mind... so it's already a new set of values.

of course, being human we take comfort in familiarity and seek it out much more often. I enjoy the aspect that brings people of different backgrounds together over common interests... people that might not otherwise have talked to each other if they'd passed on the streets can form all sorts of connections. so that's already happening too.


lovers in SL are a linden dime a dozen, relationships (not just sexual ones), between vastly different people with shared interests are the new horizon, and people have been heading there since they arrived on the internet.

TL;DR?
You are behind the curve, all that new, exciting, exploration of human connections has been going on for quite some time, in a much broader field than your own sexual awakening.

You could probly get good money for that if you sell it to Scylla.

In Jig's case, that seems to work. I've wondered too how Hal really feels about it, because he does post here, on occasion, so it's not like he doesn't know. They've been together a long time. Therefore, it must be his choice to accept her/the situation, because he certainly doesn't have to, he could say heck with this, there's a big SL out there. The fact that he chooses to stay, says that it must be ok with him, and if it's ok with both of them, that's all that matters. If she was trying to hide it from him, there would be folks having a problem with that too.