keeping it in SL....

I am SO scared of that.

Distance helps tremendously.

Without distance, everything can be tossed into chaos.

And i do mean everything.

Very sad story, that. And yes, it hasn't been without its risks. Long story that I won't go into here (again), but it was painful when it ended, and there are days when it's painful now. My RL husband held me while I cried, which was weird, but he totally got it.

As I said, we're quite unique though. Most (99.9%) husbands would not be quite as understanding or sympathetic.

He's in SL though, and has had his own relationships, which sadly soured him on the whole idea, and he plays as a loner now. Occasionally, a bitter comment will pop out of his mouth when I'm involved with someone, but understands that I can't be in SL without being myself.

Some days...I wish I could.

A lot of interesting thoughts and perspectives here.

I suppose it all boils down to how well you convey your intent in SL to others. For me.....SL is firstly a visual/artistic experience.....and a distant second, a social experience.

I would say that I don't understand seperating SL and RL......but that wouldn't be 100% true. As a writer, I am pretty good at spinning characters and maintaining a detached frame of mind. In fact, even IRL I am pretty detached, tho also very passionate about the relationships I do have.

When I first landed in SL I made an immediate decision that it was not about romance for me......it was about exploration. I have a RL sweety and even tho he works away from home much of the time......I have never been tempted to form any kind of SL romance. I know too well the complications that could arise, even IF both parties agreed to keep it strictly RP and in SL. I've witnessed some pretty terrible drama among some SL friends that resulted in those bounderies not being clear. I was lectured in my early days by a good (married) friend who was adamant about the dangers of SL romance. He was to the point of being obnoxious in his opinions.
Two years later that same friend is divorced IRL and dating a woman he met in SL. My guess is he was having trouble already IRL and his strong attitude stemmed from his own weakness. I wont call him a hypocrate.....because he is human....and I wont judge anyone, especially those whom I know little about IRL.

But situations like his are exactly why I simply have no interest in pushing that envelope. I have made good friends......and I have had men express a romantic interest in me.....and I have made it clear every time that I am happy IRL and that simply is NOT an option for me in SL. But, among my friends, I do not role play. My affection for them is real.......they are real people and no matter how they want to 'play it' in SL......I choose to see them as real....human....beautiful and flawed. I would never betray or exploit them, or anyone I met in SL. I can detach, yes.....and I am a hermit by nature.....but I also have respect for other human beings, and I value those I call friend.

I've sort of moved towards a "keep it in SL" attitude lately too. I had an SL romance that started a month after I joined (so typical). It crossed the boundary from SL to RL and lasted about 6 months. It is now defunct. In fact, I don't really login to Scott Savira anymore, I have a roleplaying alt that gets most of my time now.

Now, my roleplaying alt is "dating" a girl, but it is entirely RP. I talk to her out-of-character about stuff too, but just as friends. Now if I found out for certain that she was a girl, and lived an hour away, and we really started to click, I'd probably take her out for coffee... but any RL interaction would start from square one and possibly go an entirely different direction. Mostly.... my SL roleplaying alt is nothing at all like my RL self. I'm not talking looks, I'm talking personality. I roleplay a manipulative, exploitive, smooth talker with slight antisocial tendencies. Sometimes, my character does things so far removed from my RL personality that it is shocking. I'm actually a pretty nice guy in RL but my RP character in SL is a bad, bad person. Sometimes, it is a battle to keep my RL personality from intervening and ruining the RP because I feel sorry for someone. It's just like writing a book or acting in a movie. To really get into it, you have to truly adopt the role you are acting out or writing.

Point is, my RP character isn't me, at all. Any relationship he makes has nothing to do with the RL me.

Yeah you and your RL husband are indeed unique, very nice. I often wish that I could, I do long for 'more' especially from some people. It gets very lonely without anyone special that I could call more than a 'special friend'. But I know it would end up in a mess, in my RL, because I know myself, so I try not to 'go there' in my head, get busy with my little projects, land stuff, something, anything, to take my mind off of being a loner.

personally i think a lot of people throw the word love around to easily..In RL and in SL
I have been in three serious relationships online..
one lasted just over a year and the other two lasted 8 months..
the one that lasted a year ended not long after telling me they were a different gender than they were..
I am not really BI but somehow ended up in a relationship with someone i thought was a woman..I thought she was Bi and one thing led to another and we just kept looking forward to spending all our online time together..
We even ended up getting married In WoW..

Well it wasn't a week later after the wedding that the person finally felt the need to tell me they were a man..He had told me before hand that he was in the navy..
I didn't know they don't have women on submarines..I guess he realized he left a hole in his story and felt it was better for him to tell me than someone else..

anyways..at first i was shocked but still in love..so he ended up having to go off for two months in this submarine ..leaving the morning after he told me all this...
so having time to think back on everything..

it wasn't the gender that really ended everything..it was that everything we had done together was two women enjoying time..so everything said to me ended up being a lie..
the more memories that came back the more lies i would see..
the hurt did not take long to get over.but the anger takes years..

then met someone in sl..we dated and lived together in sl for around 8 or9 months but were friends the whole time..
after about 9 months this person told me they had connection problems and could not get online all the time..so i sat in limbo for a month until someone came up and told me..
no she has been in SL the whole time on an alt and is also a man..
the anfer i had for this person was from feeling the betrayal..i mean we told each other everything..well i did anyways..


then there was the last one..it was with a man and we knew it was going to stay in SL..he was in a bad marriage and just wanted to find an escape from something he was tied to in RL..his wife and him did not get along and pretty much just married for the kids..
e was in his early 50's..as soon as we partnered he started to treat me like i was some woman from a bad 1950's sitcom and didn't know anything outside of the house..
I finally ended that one because of the lack of respect and trying to mold me into someone i didn't want to be..

So now i keep everything inside of SL..my real friends know about my RL and i let out some information when getting to know people..but the words love and i do never cross my lips anymore..
i make friends but do not get involved with anyone online like that anymore...
If someone tells me they love me i dodge around it and try to respond in a way that won't hurt their feelings but will finally tell them ..i don't say i love you anymore..
That word is Reserved for my RL man and nobody else..

After 3 times in the fire it is real easy to see how loosely the word love is tossed around..
I am not sure how it is for men..i know it is very easy for a woman to mislead a man without meaning too..it's like not trying to attract someone attracts people even more..

So i keep my SL as SL and i can and my RL out of it as much as i feel i have to.

Bleh..did i really just type all that lol..sorry i went on so much..it just happens..

thank you both, I am scared, never had to deal with anything like this with someone I loved (well, as an adult, had to deal with it as a kid with my dad being very ill)

As for the answers to the question I put forth, ..... wow....
I am glad I am not alone in that I feel what I feel and it is real for me.

(I do not view SL as a singles bar, I view SL as a community... erm, country maybe... (not really a world, not big enough heh)

and in that community are many different places, some of those being singles bars, which I do not go to

I tend to keep to myself in SL, mainly because I know how quickly and easily I can become attached to someone, which tends to end up backfiring and I am left in tears wondering what I did wrong (not romantically, I mean just getting close as in friendships)

So as of late (oh, the past year or so) I find myself being very much a loner... and only chatting with folks in a group (gathering of people) type setting, where it is less likely I will strike up a friendship with someone (just to end up messing up in the end)



sorry I am rambling...

/me nods. "I guess I should add something of substance."

My RL hubby and I both spend time on SL, but our reasons for being involved are different. We are happily married and have been for 5 years. We both work, work additional fulltime hours on a person business project, go to school, and we're actively involved in our religious organization. Needless to say, we have very busy RLs.
Bunni is a bussiness woman. She owns two companies, networks, and spends her time learning everything she can about the business aspects of the world. My husbands avi is partnered and 'kills' Vampires. *shrugs* Whatever floats your boat.

SL is something they we both do to relax. I mean, hell? Where else can you decide to go
dancing, pick out a brand new outfit that automaticly fits without trying it on, have perfect hair, a 'perfect body', perfect make-up, and be at the club in all under 3 mins? And then dance perfectly? What a fun world!

I think, for me, a charecter is a bad way to put it. My avatar is an extension of myself...or rather, a part of myself that I wish to project. Bunni is a partnered lesbian. My partner and I share a deep connection on some sort of real life level. She's witty, funny, smart, and we talk for hours. We have drawn very strick lines for out relationship; we talk about RL, but nothing too specific about OUR real lives. We drop each other notes and visit when we can. But our relationship works because we fleshed this out in the beginning, when we became friends before things ever got to this level.

If my partner, for some reason, had to leave SL, I have admit...I would be upset in real life. She's my friend; reguardless of whether or not she's right there infront of me in RL, the laughter that comes from some of her snarky remarks is still real. Do I really, IRL, love her? Yeah, maybe, on some level. I love the experiences shes given me and I love the person I've made her to be in my mind. I'm working through this thing now with my alt. Its a fuzzy line, but its better to draw that line in the beginning when things start taking a turn for the romantic.

Would I ever meet my partner IRL? I don't think so. In SL and RL, she is the cute little puppy dog with the sarcastic attitude and witty remarks. In SL, its safe and its it own thing. In a way, its sort of sacred there. Pulling it into RL, really nesting it in my heart or my RL would just hurt everyone involved, I think.

So, the point is...

I'm not a charecter. I am an extension of myself...the extremes of parts of me that I could never and would never manifest in my RL. So, there for, it is already separate for me....does that make sense?

In much the same vein as Ceera, I enjoy virtual life as a kind of 3D novel or film written and performed live by the participants. To manage this it is essential for me to maintain a distance from RL. So rather than set rules of conduct, I keep it simple and refuse any discussion of RL from the outset. Apart from the fact that you cannot fall in love with someone you know precious little about, it helps keep the virtual story fresh.

I save the serious business for RL.

I hear ya.

QFT!! Everyone, please realize all you can lose and make sure it's a sacrifice you're willing to take, before traveling down the path of relationships within SL

What do you mean?

Yeah; and I"m really, really glad that I am reading this thread, before I'm already too deep in something. I often feel like I'm teetering and just the tiniest word, or feeling even, could drop me over onto the side I don't need to be on. I recognize it's because I"m lonely. But that recognition/acknowledgement doesn't change the feelings.

Treasure, don't let this thread scare you.

Only you can decide whats right for you and how deep you can really let yourself go. You know where you draw the line. Just make sure tell the other person (and yourself) where exactly the SL relationship is in your life.

Here is how i look at it with SL..
If i value the friendship which in most cases i do..I will constantly remind myself that SL moves very fast and relationships progress in the same way most times..
You can fall in love now but more than likely in a few months you won't have this person as a friend anymore..
that usually stops me in my tracks..

Hi Bunni, I mean if you are commited in RL...Things have a way of happening in SL that you least expect

Thats vague...but only time will tell? I'll look this thread up and post in 6 months.

Ever read Gerry Mander's book on television?

On some level the brain does not differentiate source of stimulus.

That should be taken as a caveat.

That said - keep RL details out of it. You do not *really* know who that is. JMO, two cents & change.

"Falling in love on the set" happens all the time, wise ones avoid it. Then again some long term pairings have arisen from it. Maybe one, two percent of the time maximum, is my guesstimate.

Yeah, that.

/me sends a prayer for both of you.

thank you
the waiting is driving me nuts... he was scheduled for 10:30, it is now 11:43 ....

/me sends virtual bouquet of spring flowers

Lol, yes, intentionally vague...I don't like airing my own dirty laundry Bottom line on my advice is that no matter how much your intentions are of not having something happening in SL to interfere/intervene, spill over into RL, sometimes it can't be helped. If you are doing it on the sly, partners are not stupid. They know something is going on.

Before pursuing any kind of relationship in SL, just make sure you see all options or circumstances that could happen and what that would mean to you, a spouse, kids, etc...

Rha, I hope all goes well with your husband's surgery. I'll keep him in my prayers.