keeping it in SL....

I have been thinking, what with all the jilted lovers posts as of late, and lovers getting hitched, and love in general.

Just how does one keep it in SL?

I mean, isn't what you feel real? Or do you only role play that you love one another?

Seriously, this is something I have never quite understood.

The feelings I feel for my husband, both on SL and after we met in RL, is and were real, it was not pretend, or role play.

I do not have an SL emotion and a RL emotion, it is all real emotions for me.

The anger I feel, the love I feel, the sorrow I feel, the joy I feel, all the emotions I feel in SL are real emotions, they are felt by me, the RL person, not by the avatar, the avatar feels nothing.

So, to those who say they keep it strictly SL, what exactly do you mean? Is it that you really do love the person, the emotion is real, but you both know (or hopefully both know) that a RL relationship is not an option, so therefor, keep it in SL?
Or do you not let yourself feel real love and just role play it. Does the other party know it is just role play?

I know there would have been so much heartache from not being able to be with my love in RL, that if I had to have kept it "in SL" I would not have been happy. I don't know if I could have even kept it strictly in SL. How do people handle it?

I can not turn off my emotions... maybe some can... I dunno...


(ps hubby has gone in for surgery, so I am trying to do something to distract me, feel free to flame, yell, scream, etc, it helps distract me)

When an author writes a romantic novel or screenplay, they don't fall in love with the characters they write about, even if it is an ongoing series and they are repeatedly having to write the dialog between empassioned lovers.

When an actor or actress plays a romantic role in a movie, on stage, or on TV, they don't usually develop a romantic interest in their co-stars, no matter how hot and steamy the scenes between them get.

My player views herself as an acomplished actress, able to realisticly portray a wide range of characters. And I maintain the same emotional detachment with my fellow residents that an actress does with her co-stars.

It is a matter of maintaining a seperation between the Avatars and the Resident who types their words. "Ceera Murakami" is not my Real Self, and was never intended to closely resemble my real self. The one time I tried making an avatar that looked like the real me, it was actually kind of creepy, watching her on screen. I virtually never use that avatar any more.

Several of my avatars have relationships with others in SL. I set ground rules and expectations from the first kiss or hug, that anything has to be accepted as being ONLY between the fictional characters, and that the real people typing the words are offering no more than platonic friendship. And I would never start a relationship with anyone who felt their avatar in SL was an extension of their real self. Either we both accept that we are only sharing in the creation of a fictional story, for our mutual enjoyment, or it goes no further.

Ceera has been together with the same SL Partner since I joined SL, over three years ago. One year as Companions, and the rest as more formal Partners. Their Player and mine have been friends for years, in other roleplaying forums, and we have a very clear understanding about what is or is not there between us. We both greatly value and enjoy the relationship between the characters that we write for. But if we ever met in Real Life, we wouldn't share anything more empassioned than a welcoming hug. (And I hug all my friends in RL, of both genders.)

Man that was worded beautifully. So, +1! I can't add anything to that.

Just perfect, Ceera.

I never thought of it that way, especially the two actors part.

I am definitely not an actress, far from it, if I were I would probably not be able to separate real from the story, as I do get emotionally involved too easily.

your post however did answer my question, and it makes sense now, I just can't see me doing it hehe

doesn't mean others can't

I guess both parties have to be on the same page.
so if folks know, that I am me, in world and out, that what I say I feel, is actually what I am really feeling, then they know it is not playing
I would expect that they too would be straight up and honest with me about if it is real for them or not.

I guess therein lies the troubles, not everyone is honest.

Thank you, Bunni. That attitude and set of inflexible ground rules is one thing that has helped to ensure that SL will never endanger my RL marriage. I am monogamously married in Real Life, and wouldn't change that for the world. I set those rules for myself to ensure that what I do here would never harm my real family.

I spend a lot of time in SL. The majority of it is actually completely G-rated, and not dealing with relationshps at all. As much as I enjoy my fantasy stories that my SL friends and I concoct, we all know that is all that they are - stories. If it ever came to a choice, between, Sl and R, reality wins, hands down, no contest.

I'm happy that Ceera's approach works for her, but I see it differently.

My avatar isn't a character that I write for. I am a writer, and I do have characters, and I feel for them and with them, so I know what Ceera's talking about. But my avatar is me, not a character. My emotions are real, not playacting or roleplay.

Many residents, myself included, have RL circumstances that preclude moving an SL romance into RL. Like Ceera, I make that groundrule clear from the beginning. This does limit the relationship somewhat, sadly...I agree with Rhaorth that a deep love "wants" to expand...into Real Life, into all of your life. But one takes what one can, and gives what one can. For me, that means keeping the relationship, as real and deep as it might be, in SL.

And Rha...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. May his surgery go well and his recovery be quick.

I disagree. Bradjolina comes to mind, as does Benifer 1 and 2, as recent examples, not to mention the countless ones in past history.

Rha...right or wrong, when I'm in an SL relationship, I *feel* it intensely. Because I AM married in RL, no SL relationship would ever move offline. But my husband and I are a very rare type of couple. I have complete freedom to live my SL any way and with anyone I choose, because he knows I'll never take it offline.

But when I love...I love for real.

And hope your hubby comes through with flying colors!

Very thought-filled comments from everyone. I learned the hard way that I am no actor and am unable to maintain separate RL/SL identities, and, as a consequence, honesty is best upfront.

BTW, Rhaorth, being "emotionally involved too easily" is not necessarily a negative trait.

You're absolutely right, Rhaorth. Maintaining that seperation is not something everyone can do, nor is it something everyone should try.

There is nothing wrong with seeing your SL avatar as an extension of your real self. But if you do, then you should treat your avatar with all the same rules and disclosures that you would enforce on yourself if your real self walked into a singles bar.

Seeking real companionship in a virtual world is something that can work, but it is very risky. Like going to that singles bar, and never even looking at the person you are talking to, because the lights are so dim you can't really see them. The vast majority of the people we hear of who feel emotionally hurt in SL by the sudden disclosure that their cute young girlfriend is actually an older, married man, or that the person they thought was their "one true love" actually had a dozen other affairs going, are no different than the bad encounters that happen in the real-life singles scene, played in the dark. Someone doesn't ask the needed questions, or someone gives false or misleading information, and someone gets hurt. In most cases, proceeding more cautiously may have saved a lot or heartbreal. If you don't proceed cautiously, and take the time to get to know that other person and to confirm that what matters to you about them is truthful, and vice versa, then you're playing with fire, in a room full of explosives.

It's two very different approaches. I might go to see a romantic stage production, but I don't expect to walk out of the theatre with a new lover from the cast. I'm merely there to be entertained. But if I walk into a singles bar and am seeking a companion, for the night or for a lifetime, an entirely different set of behavioral rules comes into play.

And yes, of course, there are some times that an actor and an actress DO fall for each other, and become a couple. But that is because they are people, too. And in virtually all cases it is because they sought to connect personally, on their own time, and not merely because they shared a specific romantic role together. An actor or actress who falls for their leading man or leading lady every time won't last long.

I fake it in both rl and sl

Pie (never been hurt)

For me, the emotions are real and I still feel them when not logged into SL. There is nothing pretend or role play about my feelings.

For me, this comes closer to the truth. I won't say than an SL-to-RL relationship is not ever possible, but at this time there are many complications that dictate such. And for me, it is sometimes very hard to deal with that.

Yeah?

OK, maybe once . . .

Pie ( . . . but only for three days)

PS That was when I was *really* jealous of my cousin!

Ceera and Carl are so on the same page about this.

Carl is totally independent of of the person typing, he has his own opinions and motivations and sometimes does things the typist totally disagrees with. It's important to both of us that the avatars we interact with, in any way more than just casual chat, know that there *is no* RL version of Carl, nothing that happens in SL will ever spill over to RL.

That being said, this doesn't mean that the typist can't share in Carl's joys and shed tears when things go awry otherwise why would he be doing this?

Uh huh.

This.

The answers here will be as varied as the people who choose to write them. For each person SL is different, it holds different meaning. Just as RL and RL relationships hold different meanings for each couple.

Those meanings we create and nurture both here in SL and in RL often change and grow and expand and die.

I can only give my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences and my sharedunderstanding with my partner:

We began together I think for both of us knowing this wasnt going to stay in SL, although we knew it probably should (our reasons forthinking it should were different). However in 14 months of hours a day together, wellour thoughts, feelings and perspectives on meeting each other have changed dramatically.

For us we have always been our RL selves, but for may reasons we began our relationship with the understanding that RL wasnt possible. We loved each other in a real sense, but distance, RL circumstances and timing were going to keep us apart. To that end we took what we could get. She is my best friend and I wasnt going to give that up just becuase of a few oceans seperating us.

14 months on and we are meeting in 2 weeks. We had an opportunity to meet and we are grasping onto it with both hands. I dont think either of us truely thought we would meet before this. We wanted it, we talked about it, but I dont think either of us truely believed it (hell im not sure I will believe it til I see her at the airport).



I think for me, this has made me reaslise many things. Leading up to meeting mypartner I ahve reflected a lot on our relationships, on whatmy hopes are for meeting her and Ihave realised this. I love her, however as much as i think I am in love with her I dont think that connection can truely be found and known and understood without meeting another person.

So... if my partner and I dont work out after meeting, would I do this all again? Probably not. I want someoen to be in love with me. And I just dont think that can be found soley in SL.

So, to those who say they keep it strictly SL, what exactly do you mean? Is it that you really do love the person, the emotion is real, but you both know (or hopefully both know) that a RL relationship is not an option, so therefor, keep it in SL?




This is it exactly.... you answered your own question

I have often wondered, like Rha, how this all 'works'. Keeping it in SL. And having been around for 2 years now, I've seen a few different scenarios play out. And I was beginning to believe, this, that you wrote here, pretty much, when I saw an RL marriage blow, due to an SL partnering. The RL husband, like yours was also totally aware of his RL wife's SL involvement, in fact, he had been partnered to someone else on SL too, for awhile. He totally had no problem with her SL activities with her partner there, and was even friendly, himself with the guy. Then, the 3 of them all met in RL, at a RL convention in Vegas. That 'welcoming hug' was a little too convincing for the RL husband, and he has now forbidden his RL wife to have anything to do with her SL partner, remove from Friends list, remove from the business venture they shared, absolutely no contact. My friend (who is the RL wife in this story) is devastated. The SL husband is devastated. They no longer see a reason to come to SL, and are unhappy and miserable. Little kids are involved, (in rl) this isn't likely to move out of SL into RL on any kind of a permanent basis. It was just a hug, in RL but was enough to blow their SL to smithereens.

So after seeing this happen, and being a shoulder to cry on for my friend, the SL partner/RL wife, I've decided to stick to my guns, no romance, no partnering, just friends and fun and work in SL.

I know I couldn't keep it seperate, and my feelings/emotions would move to RL. I don't want/need the emotional drama/pain it would cause. I won't do that to myself, on purpose anyway.

This, too, is an excellent point. Hmm..I wonder if there is a middle ground.

I theorize that you are a great big softy. Behind the grump.

Ive often noticed that many of these failed relationships occur when a "role player" and a "this is an extension of me" people hook up.

It's like trying to mix fire and water and often seems to blow up i the worst possible way.

It does not just stay in SL.

I love the Nina i know about in SL and what i know of her RL.

It matters not that I am married to have love for this person. It's just the way it is. And we have been together since February 13th, 2008.

I do not expect to be flying to Australia anytime soon, but i can love her nonetheless.

The emotions bleed into RL constantly. Which is why i #1 avoid relationships with people in the states, and #2 avoid relationships with men.

For a complete turnaround...

I met my wife when I was running an online role playing game on a BBS in the early '80s. There was never any romance between her character any of my NPCs, the RL relationship was quite independent of anything happening in the digital realm.