Subs only - the rest of you, don't bother. Well, Dom(me)s too I guess

Safe, sane and consensual (SSC)
* safe: attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health
* sane: activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible cast of mind
* consensual: all activities should involve the full informed consent of all parties involved

Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)
* Risk: We have thought about this and assessed any risk
* Aware: We are aware of what we are doing and the risks it carries
* Consensual: We have sought this out and have agreed to take part
* Kink: Alternative sex.

Your Kink Is OK, It's Just Not My Kink (YKIOK,IJNMK)
---
Ask if they are aware of SSC/RACK or have at least attempted to examine their situation before it started. Ask about whether safeword(s) have been set. Then back slowly away.

It is very hard from the outside to see if something is abusive or something both really really love and enjoy. All you can do is make sure all have the information they need.

Lindal,

You certainly didn't offend me. A very valuable post. Something that everyone "in the scene" should read, and read carefully.

The M/s dynamic is just as powerful as romantic love. And it's clear that people in SL get hurt all the time due to romantic failures. Compound that with a mingling of M/s feelings and romantic feelings in the same relationship, and you're doubly at risk of getting hurt, or at the same risk of getting doubly hurt. Hurt bad.

But people are adults, and are responsible for their own actions. That's not to say that offering support and help is wrong (in fact, it's very important), but if that woman is happy, then she's happy. She might have a crappy SLife if she was free to wander around. Who knows? I don't.

BDSM looks awful from the outside. But can be wonderful from the inside. But that doesn't mean that you have to like what you see, Lindal.

I have no experience in any other online environment, game, chatroom etc, so my view may not be totally informed, but I take the view that anything anyone is doing in SL is done of total free will and preference, no matter how strange or disguisting it may appear to me, and would never assume they are not living their SL to THEIR fullest desires. If someone tries to put you into a unwanted situation, you can TP, logoff, quit SL altogether.
I know in RL people can be brainwashed and manipulated, but I just don't believe it happens here. Call me naive. The lady wants to spend SL in a cage, fine by me.

I don't agree. If you fall in love (I mean, deeply in love) and get partnered in SL, can you just TP away and quit the game if times get tough? Yes, but can you bring yourself to do it? Think about the consequences to both you and your partner if you did that.

Hate, thank you so much for understanding my position and feelings. I very much like your comment, "looks awful from the outside, can be wonderful from the inside". That could be said of regular, ordinary sexual intercourse, as well. So I'll try hard to keep it in mind.

I basically have been very lucky. I've turned down god knows how many guys in my time, so I was definitely not looking when I simply got chatting at B&D.

Same as the RL BDSM scene, the best things simply happen and develop. That dizzy breathless anticipation feeling is one of the very best in the world.

I was pleased to see someone mention SSC. I find it very bizarre that things such as dolcett exist ... and creepy and unpleasant. Must turn some people on, of course.

Oh, and a collar is stronger than a mere wedding ring, to me.

Any use to you, Hate? Smiles.

But you are in love so you want to be there, so it's good. All my statement was meant to illustrate is that you can't be forced to do anything against your will here. Additionally, I can see loving someone you meet here, who you have never seen or have no intention of meeting., but I don't think I could ever be IN love with someone, until I meet them for real. Every day i am in Sl could be my last. Either due to RL intervention or just losing interest, I don't look beyond tomorrow SL wise. I would of course inform those I've come to know here if I were to leave. but again, I am not experienced to online relationships.

"Dolcett"

Sainted Bovines! I must have been leading a much more sheltered life than I imagined - ignorance (was) is bliss, indeed -

http://www.secondlifeherald.com/slh/2007/06/dolcett_play_br.html

Ignorance was bliss. LOL.

Some of the very worst looking things can be the very best, I am speaking more from my RL than from SL now of course.

You can usually tell genuine distress. The one getting a mouthful of what looks like terrible treatment who is arching her back and genuinely getting off on something can USUALLY be safely assumed to be happy. LOL.

OMG, when the last Dolcett conversation came up, I looked it up as I had no idea what it meant. I still get shivers thinking about what I saw.

If you read the explanation of how the prospective dinner is prepared - you may never eat again.

I know, my kink, your kink - I get it - what I like may completely freak another out, But - OMG - not being thought police here - OK, just my own thoughts, but OMG. And no- I will not be searching in-world.

(I need a horrified emoticon here)

I wasn't offended at all.... its an honest thought ^^

But.. she has consented to this, and none of it would happen without that. D/s is about trust, and the submissive puts all of their trust, completely (At least ideally) into the Dom/me, no matter what, to keep them safe and happy. If something isn't agreed to, or goes too far, a good D/s couple would end the action immediately.

And yes, some BDSM stuff is rather dark.... in fact almost all of it is to some extent if you think about it. Whipping, beating, torture, caging, bondage... all of this has been used in horrendous ways throughout humanity's existance. But the sub is trusting their Dom/me to do these things within a safe limit, set beforehand.. it is the absolute ultimate in trust and loyalty.

And its not like the submissive gets nothing in return either.. the submissive gives themselves completely to the Dominant's will, but in return also gets the Dom/me's submissiveness in a way, as the Dom/me must serve them to keep them safe and happy. The Dom/me also offers protection from many things, everything they can really, and their love and guidance when needed.

While your scene is one of the more extreme ends of the BDSM Lifestyle, she's obviously happy with it (So it seems from your post anyway...). She is submissive to the point that she wants to server Him completely, and to put her trust in Him to the point where if he were not deserving, he could literally destroy her mind (Not as much in SL, but in RL extremely possible in a bad D/s relationship.)

Nothing in a good D/s relationship is against the will of either participant. Limits are set, safewords are always there, and the trust is one of the three most important factors in any D/s relationship (Love, trust, and honesty imho)

Hope this made sense... tried to

ADD::

In my personal opinion, the D/s relationship is the final tier of any romantic relationship, it is the ultimate commitment. In a good one, both parties can be the happiest people alive. In a bad one, either or both can be both physically and mentally destroyed.

A good example of the latter is a slave I know in SL who in RL is almost completely mute now. She was in a scene with a bad master, and it went to far... the result is that it destroyed her tongue and part of her throat (TO my understanding) to the point that she sounds like the stereotypical deaf person when speaking, and so has become extremely shy and quiet (As to be expected) in RL.

On the happier side (This submissive has both good and bad, so I'll use the same one), this girl is now submitted to another RL Master (Even though her trust for males in general has diminished, still a Master!) for 4 years. She couldn't be happier, and they are a wonderful D/s couple. Completely safe and trusting. She has to leave SL at certain times to be with him, and often its because they go to dinner or something, which is considered more 'normal' than you'd expect from such a BDSM relationship, right? But other times, she is completely submitted to him... their D/s relationship is one of the best I know of, in either Life...

My dinner tonight involves roasting a butternut squash LOL. Case closed!

When a sub submits there is much less ability by the sub to just think "no problem, I'll hit the big x button." I mention this only in reaction to the "not as much in SL" part. Odd that the comment was connected to the mental part of your post and not the physical.

Some might have noticed that somewhere along the line I was less of my chipper happy self (or whatever persona I was presenting), and was much less visible. And I started deleting my posts, and putting things like "lost" in my title and location.

You can deeply impact someone's mind in SL. I am sure that mine hasn't been literally destroyed, but it has been deeply cut.

I'm glad I do this in SL and not RL. Sorry for the one mentioned in your post that was physically injured.

I know that in SL you can be severely hurt... but... although I believe you can be super happy being with someone in SL, you still can't get as close as you can in RL, imo. and in RL, you can do physical damage that causes the mind to be hurt as well, so in my opinion, in SL you are safer, if only slightly... I know how much something can hurt in a virtual world, but.. I think in RL it can just hurt you more. I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't be mentally hurt, just.. its harder in SL than in RL (Although it can take less time as SL seems to accelerate feelings for many people)

EDIT::

What I mean byu the physical hurting the mind is like.. if your sub thinks you love them (As they should, and as should be true in my opinion), but you continually abuse them for apparently no reason, and without consent, they are going to start becoming frightened over time, and eventually this will severely damage their mind in and of itself, aside from any mental punishment or torture

You can't be physically hurt (unless you are doing something dumb you've been told to do by someone dumb, and are dumb enough to agree to it).

The potential for emotional scarring is as real - or more so - than RL. Same as any other relationship over the net.

I guess, in my case, most of my relationships online have become real ones and vice versa but even so, there's been things happen in SL I wouldn't tolerate for a second RL.

***edit*** Re your point about abuse and messing with people's heads. That happens RL too. Usually down to idiots like me to help the people concerned pick up the pieces only to go do it all over again with the next mindf-er.

I'm not going to change my earlier post.. because I truly believe what I said... but... I can understand what you mean. But.. I also think I percieve SL and RL relationships.. or the line between the two, differently... I think of a SL relationship as purely SL.. never a thought of meeting in RL, nor phoning or writing, etc... I think it becomes a RL relationship when any of this is done or even seriously discussed... and I also think that if you are as close to someone as you would need to be to get as mentally hurt.. then thats probably become a RL relationship.. of course, I'm also weird and my opinions are skewed (As should be obvious =P)


But seriously.. if you have become so attached that you can be that severely hurt through SL, I expect that it has become a RL relationship to some degree... and that's what I meant... if this is making any sense.

EDIT:: Not sure what you meant in your edit... did I seem like I said RL mental abuse and mindf_cking doesnt happen? Slightly confused, sorry

well, I did fear to log in (still somewhat, but much less so now), and feared not logging in.

Oh it all makes sense alright ... and the only time I've ever been hurt there was a LOT of RL in the mix too.

No you didn't say that, I was just pointing out that it does happen RL as well as SL.

Then... do you agree that in a purely SL relationship its not as easy to get hurt as in a RL relationship? (I'm not trying to pressure you into agreeing or something... I'm still curious ^^ I like opinions and such)

And okies, was making sure ^^

I think the truthful answer to that is there is no answer ... it depends on the individual, and their state of mind, their understanding and involvement (there are some very inexperienced people out there).

Ah you pressure if you like, I'm possibly the most stubborn person you'll meet LOL - I don't tend to cave in tho I may amend my opinion based on facts presented

I think thats the best way to think...i think =P

I don't Hunt for Slaves, Nor do i Buy them. I wait, and they come to me. I Pick, and choose, Taking on the best for Myself, Placing the others if i don't want them, or don't have room for them. Any i decide aren't worth Training (And there are Many) i Simply Refuse.
I Invest a Lot of time and care into Training my Girls, and of course, a Lot of emotion. I'm not going to waste my time on someone who Just wants to Play pretend.
The average length of time a Girl serves me is 1.5 to 2 years. The Longest was Over five.
My Current girls have both worn my Collar for Over two years. One, In the beginning belonged to another Domme, and they cared for One another. I desired the Girl, but it's Bad form to Take what isn't yours, I don't Poach. One day, when the Girl and i were relaxing and Talking by a Pool, I told her One day i would Own her.
She laughed.
I just smiled.
A Little over a Year later, her Mistress had Vanished, and she Came to me. Nervous, afraid i would not take her because she had laughed at me. I reminded her that i told her i would own her. Then i Collared her.

The Second Girl i had Known Longer, she was Basicly a Good Girl, but was Forever getting into trouble. She had been released by Owners who couldn't Handle her, Most of all, her actions were likely to get her Banned from SL. Several times i had Interceded on her behalf, even Punishing her when Needed, But she always resisted Taking my Collar. She saw how i was with my Girls, and was partly afraid of the Discipline, and Mostly afraid she wouldn't measure up, so she refused. She did however always seek my Guidance, and never Lied, or concealed her Misdeeds. She had crossed the Line one day, after months of being Good, and i Punished her, But the risk she took was too Great, and i Told her at the Conclusion of her punishment that if she screwed up One more time It would be Necesary for me to Collar her to Increase my Control of her.
She was Good as Gold for Months.
Then it Happened, she Messed up, and she came to me to Confess it. I reminded her what I had said, She acknowledged it, and Submitted to my Collar, and hasn't Misbehaved since. The weight of my Collar on her throat, and her responsibility to me reminds her Constantly to behave.
That is the Only time i could be said to have "Force Collared" anyone, and as you can see it was after a Long association where trust, and respect had already been established.

I do this in RL, I'm a Domme. I'm well aware of the damage that can be done by Inexperienced, Selfish or Ignorant Dom/mes, Treating the Lifestyle as a Game, and the subs/Slaves as Sex toys. There is SO much more to this than Slap and Tickle. It Takes Care, and Skill, and i don't see enough of that in Many SL D/s Relationships.

Angel.

We noticed, dear. We're glad that you're feeling better.
/me hugs Lexxi.