Are you "cheating" your RL relationship with someone in SL?

Well, "you cheated on me!" is a good way to put the blame on the weak partner w/o having to confront any inner demons or the actual reasons why the cheating happened.

Cheating happens, that we can all agree with. Why it happens is what each couple involved should work on

Yes, of course.

One of my close friends in RL is a marriage counselor, and she tells me that the hardest things in these situations by far are (1) for the straying spouse to show remorse (contrary to expectations, they often do not show remorse, because they were getting their needs met that their spouse was not meeting, and they are very angry or disappointed with their spouse for not meeting their needs) and (2) for the non-straying spouse to acknowledge his/her role in allowing the cheating situation to come to fruition.

Many people can never admit that this is a two-person issue -- it's not all about the straying spouse-- and much of these so-called "societal norms" back them up ... but the reality is that virtually all extramarital "cheating" situations arise because of underlying problems that are the fault of both spouses, not only one of them. That's not an exoneration for the person who acted on their unhappiness, but it's an acknowledgement that the situation is more complex than trite, black-and-white rules will admit.

OUCH...who threw that rock at my head??

pie...........................

These threads may be cyclic, but this particular thread is very good. Informative, funny, and a little sad. I'm better for having read it.

Love.

There is a lot here (From Collettes post mainly) that prompted me to post. I think that relationships with the special 'agreements' dont really apply to what I am going to say, I suppose...but to me, its all cheating.

I met my husband on the net in 99, when it as still a scandal to meet and marry someone from who knows where. We married too fast, to be honest, and didnt really *know* each other until...hell, maybe even only a couple of years ago. We went through a lot of ups and downs and the downs DID include, what I consider, internet cheating on BOTH our sides. Stress in RL caused a break down between us and we BOTH found comfort in others because we just didnt have it in us to be there for each other...for a time!!

I think all marriages go through this, at one point or another. Be it a cheating on the net, or an emotional affair of the heart (that doesnt go physical, ie a close friend that almost replaces the closeness you should have with your spouse) to those that DO go physical. Luckily the later never happened in my marriage (or their wouldnt be one, its the one thing I wouldnt be able to forgive) but on an emotional aspect, yes it happens.

I think anyone who says that what you do online doesnt carry emotions is just fooling themselves. Emotions dont turn off when you turn off your computer or log out of SL. You still think of the relationships you have here, and if you dont there is something all together more wrong. I often think of my friends here, yes I said friends because there will be NO online relationship again. I wonder how they are, worry when they are sick and am happy when their life brings them happiness as well. My partner in this game is the same as in RL now, it took a long time to get here, I wont deny that...but going through it only got us to something better in the end.

Sadly, though, that is NOT the case for everyone. People have to stop pointing their finger at everyone else though and see their life and their situations, whatever they may be, as their own responsability. This is the first, and last time I will post on the topic, and yea I reveal a little too much in the process...but people, stop rattling to convince yourself its not cheating. If you are having to look for something outside your relationship, then you need to stop and FIX your relationship. RL comes first, your RL family comes first and if you think your actions dont affect the people in your RL....you are sorely mistaken and I feel sorry for what they are going through while you dont pay attentionh to their needs while fullfilling your own.

Again, Im not pointing fingers myself, if it applies to you it does, if not, then nothing I said will offend or bug ya in anyway. I think you can get a lot from friendships and relationships in SL, just be 100% sure your RL and the people IN your RL are on the right path first. *tucks her tail between her legs and wanders off now*

I am not aware of any societies where people involved in a sexual relationship see no harm in their partner having an affair on the internet. Of course there is the SOCIETY OF DENIAL. Time to renew your membership.

I think you need to get out more...

There are plenty of cultures with varying degrees of 'flexibility' in the sexual relations of partners.

Americans are probably among the most prudish... but that is neither here nor there.

Others have said it better.. cheating or not is a personal choice and I am not here to judge other people/avies choices. Just have fun and learn a thing or two..

As HST would say...

"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. "

Nooo... better keep him inside the basement, away from damaging or scary thoughts and ideas.

As I stated twice: If you and your partner share in the thrill of having online affairs it is not cheating. If you secretly have a online affair and go to great lengths to make sure your RL partner does not become aware of it - then you are cheating.

Couldn't have said it better myself...bravo

I've been the one in an RL relationship who cheated online, and I can't agree. While SL is SL and RL is RL, if your partner forms a very strong attachment to some one here, then I think you have every right to be jealous, and to feel it's a threat to your relationship. Cheating and infidelity are not just about actual physical sex, and online infidelity can be just as damaging as RL affairs.

Jealousy is never a "right", it's always a choice. And no matter how validated it is by others, it's, at base, a very ugly emotion. Nevertheless, you do have the right to see SL loves as a threat to your RL relationship if you choose to do so.

Point taken. Although in my view one rarely has a choice whether to feel or not feel any emotion. what one has is the ability to choose how to act on an emotion.

The main point I was making was that the suggestion (not made by you, Victorria) that an online relationship should never be seen as a threat to an RL one, is simply wrong. I agree completely with what you've said earlier about how the nature of the relationship between two people determining what would be cheating. What I am saying is that, if the relationship is based on the assumption that there will be no romantic/sexual relationships outside, then I don't see any real difference between online cheating and RL cheating (except the lack of physical sex), and I don't think it means a relationship is "weak" if online cheating causes problems.

Well I am sorry then but obveously if that happens then your RL relationship isn't very stable. While I and my RL spouse both have been married to other people in SL and we know our bounderies and keep SL and RL separate but some just can't but our relationship is strong enough that we can keep the two separate.

For all those bandying the phrase 'SL is SL and RL is RL' can I make one simple observation?

SL is *in* RL. As such, it is entirely capable of damaging the rest of your RL just as surely as hacksawing an arm off is.

So a partner who looks for online sexual companionship is the strong one, expanding their horizons and getting their needs met, while the partner who feels hurt and betrayed by such behavior (if it does not fall within previously arranged guidelines) is weak, selfish, and should just get over it? An interesting interpretation...

If you *choose* to let it do so, yes. This is why I say that the feelings felt relating to a relationship in SL are "real" -- after all they are being felt by yourself in RL. However, I can make the following observation: it is entirely possible to segregate the two experiences and compartmentalize them, with effort, discipline and respect for yourself and those around you. If you can't do that, or don't want to do that, then I think getting into an emotionally involved relationship in SL can be perilous to your RL -- that is, if you leave the door between SL and RL swinging open in the breeze, instead of keeping the two experiences separate.

I agree in part that if this is the arrangement between the couple, then it is an issue. I do think, though, that in most situations where one spouse transgresses the arrangement (whatever it is), there are underlying issues that preceded the straying. Again, that's based on what I've learned from my marriage counselor friend. It's very rare that any affairs happen --online or offline -- in perfectly strong, healthy, happy relationships. It *can* happen in those, but most of the time things are otherwise, reagrdless of whether the couple realizes it or not.

I wouldn't say it's a matter of stability, which is when I think the person you quoted was also trying to emphasize- it's a matter of boundaries.

In real life people have different boundaries too. Some relationships demand that the individuals limit their friendships to same sex. Some are fine with casual friendships. Some are fine with the other half's best friend and confidant being of the opposite sex. It's rarely a spoken rule. You can't have male friends! It's simply a subtle agreement and the way things are. Very few relationships in real life are openly polyamorous (there are some, but they are certainly not mainstream, sorry) or would be "cool" with opposite sex sleepovers or phone sex, even if nothing "real" happened.

What constitutes simple porn vs. cheating and where you draw the line differs for every couple.

I choose not to have a SL relationship because I can't make that kind of a relationship with someone without involving my emotions. When I'm sad and need comfort or happy and need to share- when I'm scared or lonely... all of that emotion is part of my relationship with my husband. I give comfort, share joy, and take comfort and joy back. That give and take of emotion is incredibly important to our relationship.... and getting involved with someone online splits it apart. If I now run to my online husband to share happy news or to seek comfort when I'm sad- I've automatically blocked my real life husband out of that give and take. I can share my happiness with my other friends, but my husband is my best friend, and redirecting my time and energy into maintaining a second relationship of that sort cheats the marriage I stood up in front of my family and friends and vowed to put before all others.

Some people can do it. I've known people who seemed to have 10 best friends who really and truly shared that closeness and it never touched their relationships with their partners- but my relationship is much more focused. It's not better or worse- it's just more focused. My circle of family is small but no less strong or stable because of it's size.

I would agree with that. I thought I had a strong, healthy, happy relationship - now I'm not so sure.

No that doesnt sound right to me at all.

I think that -

The partner who has an online / cyber sex realtionship - cheats - (w/e) is the one who strayed. It could be becuase of problems in their relationship. It could be for other reasons.

The partner cheated on (w/e the semantics) has the right to be upset / end the relationship / make them quit SL and work stuff out - whatever they feel is right. They were definitely wronged by their partner.

BUT those of us not involved in their relationship - We are the ones who should get over it. None of our business.

Actually it stimulates me to go have wild crazy sex with my RL hubby more

Actually, I find this to be true too. If I let her have her fun online without complaining, she tends to be more *ahem* amenable to new ideas *nudge nudge wink wink*.

Everybody goes away happy.

My husband and I have actually been known to sit side by side at one computer screen, happily pixelbumping and naughtily texting away and generally having fun.

And afterwards having some more fun in the bedroom. Or on the couch. Or... well, you get the gist.

But we're just weird like that.