Are you "cheating" your RL relationship with someone in SL?

The secret is out - I got both lots. They'll multiply rapidly and soon become broadly offensively known as "Collenda's panties".

/me nods

and do you really think anyone will come here and post (sure they will vote, that is obvious) that they are cheating or having an SL affair

no one dares to , else they get called down to the lowest form of SL and RL lifeform, flamed gouged and put out to dry in the sun...


ah well I think I will avoid poll threads for awhile and go back to watching TV

Im having 4 SL affairs. Hmm or is it 5? - it depends, the one is kinda iffy. People can flame me all they want. They arent me, I dont sit in judgement on their personal lives.

key word in the poll though is "cheating"

do you consider what you are doing as cheating? (rhetorical question, I do not expect an answer)

i'll have blueberry please

I can't possibly cheat, cause I'm single

I say the same as a lot of people...

A cheat is a cheat is a cheat........... You dont fall in love physically, you do it mentally and emotionally, which is totally the norm in RL as much as SL, if your single and you want to explore what ever side of your personality you wish.... thats cool, if you are married or in a relationship then SL is NOT a date space, no more than scoping out bars and singles clubs, after all you are just as anomynous there as here.
I dont judge those that do... as its their choice, but at least admit the fact and not try to pretend that SL is in somehow detached from RL as it isnt ...at ALL, you the PERSON is sat behind a different mask to that of real life....
You might wear a mask in RL which you shed in SL or Visa Versa.... but essentially it is STILL you in there and the things that you do have reprocushons to YOUR life, your RL partners Life.... your mistress etc. life and thier partner so at LEAST 2 peoples lives in REAL LIFE are at risk because you have an additction, and as said earlier, if you NEED love in SL, get a divorce or try swinging because something is DEFINATELY missing from the relationship.

I for one get EXTREMELY jealous of my wife in SL becasue i love her with all my heart and its a JOY to be in SL with her, but I understand as we both have shops... its all about the patter and flirting with the customers. I accept it..becasue I trust her and i know she loves me and trusts me... so I dont betray that trust and neither does she.

Ill fix you guys, I'll just stop wearing panties then.

Don't worry about that stuff. I boxed it up, flew over Dan Linden's place and dumped it.

I'll weigh in on tis topic again. Everyone is going to have a different view on this based upon a lot of things , from their personal relationship status, family upbringing, even religious beliefs. No one's view is any more right or wrong than the other. If your SL activities are such that you would not like you RL partner to see them, then do so at your own risk. I know a couple who are avid gamers, i'll go visit and they are on seperate machines, sometimes playing the same game, sometimes not. They aren't interested in SL, but know I am. Theie Online lives are totally disconnected from RL, what they do in game is of no concern to the other. They are very happy and well adjusted in their marriage. My opinion, as a single person, is while the emotional contact can be real, I would not consider it any kind of "cheating" until out world contact is made. And even then, cheating would be a term applied only to me, I'm not going to judge anyone else.

Ah *there* you are!! Have you any idea how difficult it is to stalk you the way you keep moving about?? hmmm?


<thud>

On the subject of poses/text/avie looks I'd just like to say that text alone is enough to land you in deep water ... you ask my fiancee!!

Bilbo ..... Ive been sat waiting at my store for your stalking ... and must say, im not impressed I expected at least to see a set of binoculars *lol*

I have cheated on my RL partner in SL. When I came into SL I was in a stable and happy RL relationship. When I first came in, I played around a bit in sex clubs and so on, nothing serious, just one night stands, and it was quite open to my RL partner. After a while I met someone, and it quickly became clear that we were going to be more than a one night stand. My friend was also in a stable, happy RL relationship, like mine not perfect, but pretty good. We both hid our relationship from our RL partners, thinking they would object to any emotional attachment. At that point we were clearly cheating, no other word for it.

After a while our partners found out what was going on, but were OK with it, and neither of them asked us to stop. In fact both of them felt that our SL relationship was actually benefitting the RL ones. At this point I don't think we were cheating anymore, everything was open. They offered no objection to us partnering in SL and getting land together.

But as time went on we got closer and closer, moved on to using voice, spent more and more time together, until it was obvious, first to us and then to our partners that we were in love. Both RL relationships began to suffer, and our partners started objecting to the amount of time we spent together and telling us that even when we weren't together we seemed like we wanted to be. We made compromises and tried to work on our RLs, but we were not prepared to stop. To be fair, we were never really asked to, and probably wouldn't have been believed if we'd said we would. The opposition from our partners just drove us closer together, and we started to make plans to meet, where before we had talked of it but only as a daydream. Several months later, my RL relationship is now on the verge of falling apart. My SL partner's relationship is also in deep trouble and will probably completely collapse in the New Year when we will finally meet.

We have no doubt that we will be able to make an RL together. We feel much more strongly for each other than we do for our RL partners. Of course we regret the hurt we have caused them, but neither of us was looking for this. We just stumbled into it, we didn't realise there was anything much wrong with our RLs, and in fact I don't think there was, we just found something that we think can be better.

A lot of people will condemn us. I have no problem with being told I am wrong to have cheated on my partner. I cannot defend destroying something that was good, cannot defend the hurt I have caused. But if I could go back to the beginning and choose whether to start this again, I probably would.

What I would say is that I don't think SL has anything to do with it. Had we met by working together, or in a social setting, I think exactly the same would have happened, although we might have been more aware of what was happening. Neither of us had ever cheated before, both of us expected to stay in our RL relationships forever, but almost from the moment we met, we knew the other was special, felt like we were meant to be together. And we haven't rushed it, we've known each other almost a year now, and it will be over a year by the time we meet.

Those who suggest that SL and RL can be kept apart are clearly either not having close relationships here (whether romantic/sexual or just friendly) or are much stronger and better controlled than us. As for those who say it's just a game, well it can be, but there are real people behind the avatars, and if you let them get close to you, you can form relationships as strong as most RL ones. Doesn't mean you have to do what we've done, but it can happen.

There are a number of people who post on these forums who have mentioned first meeting their RL partners online. I used to think that was nonsense, didn't think you could fall in love with someone you'd never met, but I know better now. I don't regret what we've done, although I do regret the hurt we've caused, but be careful, if you start cheating or playing romantically on SL, it can destroy even a good RL relationship.

Personally I don't think there is any real difference between cheating on SL and cheating in RL, except that a purely SL relationship cannot be physical. But as others have said, being in love is about the emotional and psychological attachment, and that can be just as strong here as anywhere.

In a couple months your gonna be as bad as me.

Lupina,

You exactly the sort of person to which i refer.....
I admire both your commitment and honesty, you regret the hurt you have caused and I agree you can NEVER choose who you fall in love with... it just happens sometimes against our better judgment so you certainly dont deserve to be flamed. Situations like this happen all the time and i for one am one of those who fell in love on line 10 years ago, my RL relationship at the time was gone ... (seperated) and so far have been very happy.

I sincerely hope it works out for you..... and allthough it must be hell for all those concerned, I hope that you find the love of your life. Again.... you arnt pretending... lying messing with peoples souls.... you fell in love period and living by your choices.

Marty

Im certainly not going to make any judgements on your relationship RL or SL and the results.

This particular statement though is surprizing to me.

That you both know it was worth the costs you have outlined, when you have yet to meet in person.

This again ... :rolleyes

When did you start that little habit?

/me looks at Colette - as GOOD as you, sweetie

I wanted it to be a surprise........

Yes, this bit alarmed me too Lupina. Whatever else you exchange online, and I daresay even in voice, is going to be bells and whistles. What RL relationships also contain are the 'warts and all' that is so easily made transparent with any long distance relationship. I hope you've made the right decision. I really, really do. You say also it isn't directly SL's fault as to what's happened. It may not have been in the design criteria at Linden Lab but like any tool, it is up to the user how it is used. SL makes a lot of things just too easy; too accessible and through this, seductive. This is a very dangerous area and many, many people get really, really hurt. I wish you luck.

Well ... what can I say?

Um .. I could say that Pippin borrowed the binoculars ... something about Arwen having to put her bedroom curtains back up in a hurry .... yes! .. that will do nicely!! .. <cough>

/me walks up to dead horse, pulls out bat, beats it...Oo...

Thanks for sharing this.



Be very careful. My own theory on this is the "Cactus in Siberia" theory -- which means that while I can love a cactus in Arizona, bringing it to live with me in Siberia is sometimes an exercise in wishful thinking more than anything else, and is unfair both to me and the cactus. A relationship that grows up and develops in the online context (where it isn't subject to RL pressures and realities) can be hard to transform into a viable offline relationship - it *can* happen, but ... well you will only find out for yourself if it will work in your situation. I would counsel caution, however.



Not "stronger and better controlled", but just making a different decision. I *choose* not to have my SL relationships bleed into RL to any significant degree because I find this way I can enjoy relationships in both SL and RL fully, rather than compromising either of them. It only works if both people are on the same page, of course, but if they are, then it can work very well, and doesn't require "strength" as much as it does respecting the commitment to yourself to maintain the separation for your own good.

Are you saying then Victorria that the relationships you have in SL are TOTALLY seperate from RL.... cool

Personally ...... I cant distinguish my emotions and feelings and compartmentalise between being in love with multiple people, Its not impossible.... just difficult. Each to there own certainly, but as you and others have said basing your relationship on a honeymoon romance in SL isnt the same as RL warts and all relationship.For some it works .... for many it doesnt.

Okay! Good idea - that will make all these that I have even more valuable - nods-