Are you "cheating" your RL relationship with someone in SL?

Ive been chatting online since 1998. I of course have a long list of stories of people who have met from online relationships. The fail rate is pretty high - it doesnt seem to me even that its any better than starting a new realtionship RL from scratch.


Below is the first from the list and then the latest --

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In 1998 I knew someone who got engaged online - she was goign to get married but finances and stuff meant he was going to be a while before they met IRL.

In the meentime someone else she knew from the chatroom was in the middle of a midlife crisis and had money .. and one plane trip later .. shes busy spending a week ina hotel with him.

She of course never told her fiance - and never called the wedding off. The midlife crisis guy didnt work out, of course, was married , etc.

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Just recently my Sister in Law left her husband to go be with a guy she met online. She was going to move there permently, burned her bridges (and even bounced some checks) , even accused her Husband of cheating on her to get the family mad at him.

this was her "soul mate" and perfect love ...

A week later she needed money to come home.


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Im not saying Online to RL cant work out - it does. Theres people n the forums even who its worked for.

But theres a lot of people who it didnt work for either. And I think in a LOT of the cases they thought their relationship was somehow more special than other peoples.

Brenda is bluffing ...

Seriously re the RL/SL thing ... I think I have learned my lesson recently. Splitting up in SL is painful. When you have to go through and remove traces from your RL it is harder and messier still.

I used to say you can't mess up a good relationship and to some extent I believe that is true but green grass is still green to look at but might never taste as sweet close up ...

Yes. The way I approach it is to view it as two parallel lives -- I'm me in both places, but the two lives nevertheless are different. So I feel the feelings inside me in RL as well (I'm not a split personality hehe!), but I confine what I *do* about those feelings to my virtual life rather than doing anything about them in my RL.



Yes, it can be and not everyone can do it --- that is, not everyone can keep the separation there, and not everyone is capable of loving more than one person, even if the two loves are kept separate and in different contexts that are not threats to each other. In my own opinion, if you can't do that, having deep emotional relationships with someone you meet online can be perilous unless you are willing to accept whatever consequences that may have on your RL.

Almost from the first day I joined SL, I wrote in my profile that I am not interested in a short, medium or long term relationship and was happily married in RL, which I am.

However, a few months ago I met a man on SL, funny and charming. We became friends but that led to a full blown relationship. We both felt strongly about each other and if anyone thinks real life emotions are not possible on SL, then you are wrong. We are both married and he with children, both old enough to know what we were doing but felt magnitised towards each other. One thing that helped was that we live thousands of miles apart which meant there was no danger of it progressing into RL.

We talked about the cheating aspect and a few days ago and decided that our relationship should end. It was the right decision but I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my body. So we parted and he no longer plays SL.

What we both did was cheating on our RL spouses and it was wrong and i will stop playing SL if I ever met someone else to whom i felt attracted. It will never happen again.

When you consider that all parties involved in the likes of SL, are both real people, and wearing their 'sunday best'. You don't get to live with the day to day stuff, like the belching, socks strewn all over the place, passing gas when caller come to visit, leaving the toilet seat down all the time.. and thats just the women....


Should this 'behind the looking glass' realtionship develop which would result in the RL relationship failing due to the lack of trust and comitment, would you seriously then be able to apply that to your new found 'soul mate', should they insist on still going online? Would they trust you? After all both were happy to break those rules to get where you are today.

For those that say 'it was only a one night stand, nothing serious', I am bewildered. Not shocked, just bewildered. No form of judgement, as each of us are individual as snowflakes, I just wonder at what point they would consider using the word cheating?

Personally, if I felt that my RL relationship was breaking down and I had sought all avenues to try and make it better, but that had failed. I would get a divorce. It would never cross my mind to seek some other form of relationship to boulster my RL relationship or compensate for it.

Just MHO... I'm just a snowflake like everyone else.

I am with agreement with Victorria on the compartmentalizing. SL is my first experience, but I am able to keep thing in their proper place. But I am single so there is no outside stress to worry about right now.

Are you willing to call my bluff, sweetie?

You cannot be in love with a bunch of pixels, but you can be under the illusion of being in love with the person that controls an avatar. If you desire RL contact or even voice with them I would consider it cheating or at least the beginning of it.

I rarely do SL "sex" and I showed it to my partner, and he found it amusing and cute. But no thanks, no emotional SL "relationships" for me, I really don't need it.

In my view you can actually be in "love" with the typist as well, even though that love does not have a RL physical component to it -- I don't see the lack of a RL physical element as making it illusory, to be honest.

And what if you have an almost perfect RL relationship... except for one thing. One thing that, out of your own control, you crave and must have. But your RL partner cannot provide it. What if your RL relationship suffers for it... but you can satisfy it (to some degree) in SL. What then?

Would you really choose divorce first?

Love.

That would require compromise.. which is probably what 99% of relationships are about.

hmmmmmm....this all seems too familiar...pie please

Alexa, I believe you deny your heart for noble yet outdated and puritanical reasons. Quit SL because it hurts too much to meet new and exciting people and feel joy in your heart? I’ve had some intense relationships here in SL and currently have a very special bond with someone who makes me feel like a 14 year old all over again, and I love it.
But I’m not looking in SL for a RL replacement or packing my bags and heading down the road either. Maybe you don’t trust yourself or the special people you meet here. To me that’s sad, but this isn’t a game, well for some drama is the game but SL is definitely not for the immature or faint of heart. Seems too many people wear a big sign that says “Pleas don’t be nice to me because I may get the wrong impression and fall in love with you and you will break my heart and….blah blah blah”
To help clarify…my RL wife and I are going through what I can only describe as a grand experiment here in SL. She does her thing, I do mine, makes for interesting RL conversation to say the least, but we are mature and secure in our relationship. Maybe that’s the key. Regardless this is one of those debates that will bring on a variety of opinions. But I had to toss in mine. And yes…incognito

An admirable situation wALT .. and one I'm sure many would wish for. You address a very important point - you *do* have to be both 'on the same page' .. otherwise pain will ensue.

Can I opt for pie?

You should...its better for you

Just wanted to weigh in here.

Being a theater major, and enjoying the opportunity to become someone else, I've approached this particular subject as an actor playing a part. My AV, the character I'm playing while I'm in SL, has become very attached emotionally and physically to someone, and is very happy in his relationship with this person.

Now, we switch to RL: I am in a commited relationship with a partner of 16 years. Keeran, my AV, can have the life I've designed for him...complete with his friends, his lover and his life...while it is completely seperate from what happens with my partner at home.

I don't forsee a problem with SL blending into RL as I am in SL as a diversion...an escape. What I have in RL is something which I've worked on - hard - over the last 16 years, and won't be giving up for anything. It all depends on your approach to SL really - you either go in full and lose yourself there, or like me you allow your AV to have a life of his or her own while keeping your feet firmly planted on the ground back in RL.

But, like I said, I have a possibly unique view of the situation as Keeran is a role I assume in SL. Were I to be cast as Arthur in The Lion in Winter, I know that I could portray and live that experience and the love which Aruthur and Guenivire share...but when the curtain falls I'd be heading home to be with my partner. Live the SL experience which is right for you, but be wary of losing yourself to the role of your AV.

Or maybe it's just best to surrender to a multiple personality disorder.

It is an illusion because you see avatars in a virtual world. SL is completely different from text chat where everything is only in your mind and you talk to people "playing themselves", sending around photos, webcaming and voicechatting and so on. You still CAN use SL in this way, and many actually do, but you don't have to. You can choose to create a seperate Being that is being born, lives, works and makes friends and does not intersect with your real life - that's why they called it Second Life and not Extend Real Life.

*digs around for her cute waitress outfit*

May I take your order?

I agree that each relationship is different. Some people disclose a lot about their RL selves in the context of SL relationships, and others do not. But in each case, the feelings that can be developed toward the other (whether that other is a straightforward representation of the typist, or to some degree a fantasy proojection of certain aspects of the typist's mind) are in any case very real, and not an illusion -- and they are *always* feelings with respect to some aspect of the typist's persona (again whether more fully or only partially depending on how much the typist's SL persona correlates to her RL persona).

ooh apple and blackberry with custard please.

Lupina your story sounds much like mine

met someone in SL while I was still married in RL, fell in love with the person in SL, RL knew about SL, he even played off and on

to make a long story short, it was not easy and people got hurt, but now I am in a much happier state of mind than I have ever been

I am now married in RL to my SL sweetheart and have no desire to date or otherwise get involved with anyone in SL

I love to make friends and chat, but that is it, nothing more.

While you're at it.... can i now please have my blueberry pie?

Sorry for the wait.

We seem to be out of custard, I do apologize.