The newest thing I heard, its not good...

You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums

Once upon a time there was a crooked tree and a straight tree.

And they grew next to each other.

And every day the straight tree would look at the crooked tree and he would say: "You're crooked. You've always been crooked and you'll continue to be crooked. But look at me! Look at me!" said the straight tree. He said: "I'm tall and I'm straight."

And then one day the lumberjacks came into the forest and looked around, and the manager in charge said: "Cut all the straight trees."

And that crooked tree is still there to this day, growing strong and growing strange.

First you must find... another shrubbery! Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. Then, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forrest... with... a herring!

It doesn't say DON'T put washing up liquid in the video

Supper time was the best! Nothing could beat Mom's homemade, vitamin-rich, soy-based, germ-free, fat-free fiber cookies.

Except a HAMMER! HA HA HA HA HA!

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I am halfway through my fish burger and I realize, I could be eating a slow learner.

I always wondered why Sea World had a sea food restaurant in the park as well. Didn't make much sense to me. Didn't stop me from eating there, though.
_____________________________________

Down here all the fish is happy
As off to the waves they roll
The fish on the land ain't happy
They sad 'cause they in the bowl
But fish in the bowl is lucky
They in for a worser fate
One day when the boss get hungry...

Guess who gonna be on the plate.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

This flash isn't a reference to any game, anime or whatever. It's just a guy exploding!

Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out, and then it exploded?

Toads in an area of northern Germany are being killed off by a mysterious disease - they are exploding.

Thousands of the amphibians have died in recent days in a pond in Hamburg's Altona district, with their bodies swelling to bursting point.

The toads' entrails are propelled for up to a meter (3.2ft), in scenes that have been likened to science fiction.

Scientists are baffled.

They must have been given the vaccines spoken of in the "Thank You SL" thread.

It was in the sequel, "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with his Drill and Sex"

She wore gold shoes with diamante,
Like Kylie wore on TV,
They kept her feeling sexy,
They were what she always wanted.
But he thought they looked like porn shoes,
Like the porn stars wear in porn films,
But he thought they made her sexy,
But they weren't what he expected, no, oh, oh.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.
"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"
"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.
"We'll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.
"We don't have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10 AM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.
"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!"

Silence.

A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"

"I AM YOUR CREATOR! I COMMAND YOU TO STOP! ... Owwww! Ow ow eeeee!"

("Seriously, does that ever work?"

"No. She is ahead of the game in that she didn't try it on a giant wolverine snake thing with poison tusks."

"Oooh, yeah. I HEARD about that."

"Huh. You're lucky. I got it on my SHOES."

All that is visible must grow beyond itself, and extend into the realm of the invisible.

Day burns down to night, Burns the edge of my soul. In the night I break into sparks of suns And become fires in a dust of bones Night knifes My breath swallows whole my tongue Turn back Reverse return In the night I see the real Concealed in the day's bright lie Eyes stitched shut White teeth smile Sleep walks and talks And feet mark time of day

Q. I have one of these vulnerable robots. What should I do?

A. First off, don't panic. We don't know of anyone who has taken over a household robot and used it for malicious purposes: we just believe in being careful.

....a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: nonhitchhiker) discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet-weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitchhiker might accidentally have "lost". What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.