I beg for help! My first romantic night was a disaster! (read) I need tips for 2nd

One suggestion I make to people who chat in IM when I'm one-on-one with them is that it's just like sitting at a table with someone and pulling out your cell phone to talk to someone else....how would they react? I usually "poof" and wait to hear from them when they're serious. But that' just me, I guess.

eh no, that results in "So, what do you wanna do? hmm I dunno what do you wanna do? well I dont care, whatever you wanna do if fine.

augh!


a little planning is good, and it shows the other person you care enough to at least have a plan!

I think spontaneity is great in dating in SL. I also think flexibility is the key for success.

For the first date, I think the OP's original plan was a little crowded and regimented, as has been already stated. In addition to that, the first date to me, is more about getting to know someone and having fun, breaking the ice, kinda thing. So that is more about chatting, rather than many planned activities.

A fun chat and playful banter should keep someone engaged and wanting to know more.
I loved the idea of a nice rl meal, co-inciding with you being in a restaurant, although while you are enjoying yours, it might not be as effective if she is sitting at her computer, having already eaten a bad ready meal and sipping a glass of water. That kind of date, I would have thought, as of being more suitable for a later encounter.

I once had an SL picnic which was really nice and romantic. The man in question and I, planned a few days in advance, what we were to eat in RL, and we tried to have the similar, if not the same brand foods. He chose the location, which was a secluded area. We both, in RL, turned down our lights a little, and lit a candle. Upon Arrival at the Sim, we used a hold hands animation, where he walked me to the picnic spot. We sat down, and chatted, and I remember giggling out loud in RL, when he asked me "Can I pour you a drink? (ok you can have your drink now if you want)" and answering "yes, that would be lovely - thanks" LOL. I didn't have the heart to tell him I was already on Sprite Soda, number 2. Lol. But it was nice, particularly as he told me to get a rl food I hadn't had before, and vice versa, and we could talk about how we liked it. Then when we'd RL finished eating, he took me to a dance place, where we danced and chatted in IM's and then we went to his place, and lay our Av's down on a sofa and chatted until I actually fell asleep at my computer.....well.....there is a huge time problem between Canada and UK, especially if you have a full-time job....thankfully he was very understanding! Lol.

Anyway - I recommend New Brighton as a lovely picnic spot, which is on a cliff over looking the New Brighton Peir - set your sun on Sunset for a beautiful scene, and from there, walk up the hill and make a wish at the wishing well. New Brighton also has a lovely beach, and you can do jetboat racing, Mini Golf, Fly a helicopter, take a balloon ride, games on the peir, even has a tiny romantic island for you and yours to steal peaceful moment together on, etc.... lol - ok - apologies for the shameless advertising, but it is a really nice Sim, with plenty to see and do, and peaceful enough to get to know someone in.

My SL Husband and I, tend to stay in the same club, but we chat in depth all the time, and the club also has a YouTube screen, where people can play videos, and he will dedicate sweet songs to me on it, and say lovely things, that makes me melt everytime. Awww. After a while of knowing each other, I planned a surprise for him, based on something he likes, with a rough (not timed) guide on how I imagined things should go - even though the actual rough guide went out the window as soon as I saw him - afterall a relationship has 2 people in it, with 2 minds. As I am SL homeless, a friend kindly lent me a room in her and her partner's castle (she will never understand just how grateful I am to her and her partner for that loan of a room! Thanks hun - love ya!!!), which she allowed me to decorate it for the surprise, and when he came online, I gave him instructions on how to find the location. I was sooo nervous, ridiculously so, waiting for him to come online, even though it was months after we started dating, and I loved it that we IM Called each other, as soon as he logged on because he was baffled after reading my 'strange IM'. I will never forget how he sounded, when he saw my day's hard work of planning and putting it all together, and we both laughed so hard when his initial surprise faded, and it was a truely amazing night, that we still talk of fondly. Thing is - it wouldn't have worked, in the beginning, because you have to learn the other person's likes and dislikes, and that can only come from communicating.

All that being said - I must add - I too, will politley end IM's, I have even missed them by accident, when I am really focused on my guy. So with the OP telling us that the girl is not so focused, and would rather chat with her friends, I can't see how this is going to work out. I hope those that have mentioned it previously, and I, are proved wrong, but in any case, the OP sounds lovely for going to a lot of effort, and wanting to share a very special night ,with a hopefull, very special person, and I wish the OP every bit of luck and happiness.

Sweaty Snugglebunnies!

Marzial,

IM me in world. I teach a class on SL Sex and Relationships, and I'll be happy to send you a copy of the class notes.

I think you have the right idea, but as others have said, your date was too crowded...and your GF too inattentive. You can fix the first part. She will have to fix the second.

I would plan on no more than two hours, total, for your date. If things go well, maybe it will go longer, but that's long enough. One hour of pre-number 7 activity, one hour of intimacy.

SL technical difficulties can mess up the most carefully planned evening. Be prepared to change locations, or for one or both of you to crash. In the worst case, you both may have to log off and try again another night.

And as the others have said, it's not the activities that matter the most, it's the people. IM and chat are your most valuable resources. SL is a magical place, full of wonders...but simple talk, and simple emotes, are the foundations of a relationship.

I would suggest to go to "Tools" in the viewer-menu and then unlink the linkset Bureaucracy and Romance. Then delete bureaucracy and your are fine.

Romance is an interactive event.

Pay less attention to your plan and more attention to clues from your date about the best next step. Don't assume she's as fully engaged as you are.

Planning is great, but use the results as a possibilities, not a schedule or sequence.

There are times when even the most dedicated admirer will need to divide their attention. Use patience. If it persists to the point of disruption, offer to reschedule the date (without admonishing or being judgemental). If they don't get the clue, be more direct and ask respectfully. If that doesn't work, find another gf, or learn to live with it. Your choice. And remember that while you may be able to put your RL on hold, others may not.

Visiting interesting places can be fun, but results are usually mixed so be prepared. This is best at the start of a date. Go skydiving or scuba diving together (someone please post the place names for these; I can't recall offhand). IIRC, costs L$100 or less to get equipped, and lots of fun.

Skip dinner, except maybe a picnic at a beautiful spot (count this as "visiting an interesting place". In SL, dancing is the best way to a girl's heart. And it's not the dancing per se, but the attention you pay, your imagination, and appreciation that count (along with your ability to communicate them).

Don't plan to "go home afterwards", but be prepared to. As the lines go in some movie, her: "Were you expecting to get me in bed?" Him: "No, just hoping!"

Concerning toys for question 7:

I recommend Realasm penis. It doesn't chat; you get to do that yourself. Tends to be the ladies' favorite, among those who are visually stimulated. Some aren't, so much, but I find that many are.

Forgive me for plugging my own product, but I heartily recommend "jPose LoveNest" poseball set, especially on a limited budget (L$350, 11 poses). It's a romantic set, starting with gentle caresses, and with an ending so you don't have to go directly from 'going at it full tilt' to 'done'. The same poses are also in my menu-based products, if you'd like more variety and a few more cuddle poses. These are in the L$1000 to L$2500 range. See jPose Island in my profile picks. The XStreet ones aren't quite up to date. End of plug!

Good luck, but I don't think you'll need it. And have no fear. With your intensity and sincerity, you'll find someone who adores you. SL is full of women looking for that! And with the right partner, the technical difficulties will be amusing and you'll get past them. Relax, and have fun!

I agree... Dinner at home... or in bed, why not? If you're going out, maybe pick just one place and no complicated itinerary... And like others have mentioned, you both gotta minimize distractions.

Technically (using the game theory definition of "game", RL marriage is a game, too. This completely misses Caliandris's point, though.

It's a semantic issue, of course. But it is enlightening to look at this from both sides, i.e., it's a game, or it's not a game. Pep's viewpoint is always true: technically, it's a game according to game theory, and strategies are at play, whether you choose to look at it that way or not.

Caliandris's viewpoint is also valid, and you get to choose whether to treat it like what we commonly think of as a game, or to take it more seriously. My only disagreement with Caliandris is that I think the OP is taking it plenty seriously enough.

No, Argent!!! LMAO... I'm crying!!

If I might offer a suggestion; it seems like Marzial treated the event seriously enough - even going so far as to take RL steps to prepare himself mentally and establish a mood. If anything, it was his GF that didn't seem to take the thing seriously. Evidently she wasn't as mentally "in place" as poor Marzial and maybe that's what doomed the event to failure.

Maybe you could talk to her about what you had expected the night to be like. Perhaps maybe not dining - but dancing, clubbing, and visiting the romantic spots of SL....and yes, even THAT....are things that happen quite often (as in on a daily basis) in SL. That doesn't mean they can't be made to be romantic; but perhaps your GF didn't properly understand how special this night was supposed to be. Next time talk with her a bit before hand and try to convey what it is you expected. You can do it tactfully too - like talk about what a bummer it was that the sims kept crashing and that you (that's "the both of you", not "she" kept getting interrupted. Perhaps she'll keep it in mind and take measures to be interrupted less next time.

The best "date" I had with someone in SL we went to a sandbox and I made them a valentine shaped cabin.

This. Romantic plans are even less useful than battle plans.... situations change way too much to script to that degree. You are dealing with another human being, not a bot.

For example, don't stop dancing simply because your plan calls for only 30-60 minutes dancing.

Also, no need to rush things. It will all work out better if a little slower and more natural.

Awwwwwwww

I agree. But rather than explaining what you want, just try to figure out how the two of you can get on the same page. It's not "her fault" if she wasn't on the same page. It's up to the two of you to work that out together. It's best when you can work this out using nuance, rather than spelling it out and signing contracts (which can be a bit of a kill-joy). Of course, without spelling it out, there's always room for ambiguity, and it's up to you to deal with the consequences of that, one way or another. (Ideally, by being flexible.)

Note that ambiguity can be very sexy. Note how we never hear anyone say "sexy as a contract". At least, not as a compliment!

One of my most intimate and fulfilling times was on the dance floor - we never stopped dancing, never undressed except in our minds, but that was one of the most erotic and arousing times I've experienced in SL.

Let things flow as the mood and surroundings dictate - mostly relax.

Yes, I remember it fondly!

Oh, wait .. that was MY most fulfilling time, maybe not yours ...

Best date I've ever been on in SL was simply dancing at a jazz club, opportunity to dress up in a fabulous ballgown (I'd recommend the ballroom in HMS Titanic). Followed by back to his place....yep best date ever Keep things simple and the emotes flying!

Sorry for not being able to reply before and thanks again for the amazing feedback.
I know most threads in this forum use to born and die fast. I will try to post today all what I wanted to say.

First, I would like to list in an organized way, some of the received suggestions (as I understood them) that made me to think more.

- - - places for dinner - - -
Moonlight Cafe on the SS Galaxy
Picnics (various)
Home

- - - places for dancing - - -
Ballroom on the Galaxy
Romantic Joy
Wales Harbour
Intimate Moments
Smooth

- - - places for exploring - - -
Cody's example of the Galaxy
Botanical Garden
Heavenly Rose Garden
Now Africa
Midnight Reflections
Tempura Japan
SS Galaxy
Nimue Isle
Golgothica
Kingdom of Sand
Particle Laboratory in Teal
New Brighton
HMS Titanic ballrooms

- - - objects - - -
Tender Love HUD
Craig Altman's Slowdance 3 (at Bits and Bobs)
a hug
Realasm penis
"jPose LoveNest" poseball set

- - - mix - - -
stop your computer
say your gf to pay more attention
get a different gf
don't ask, tell her
listen to her carefully
have no fear
go with the flow (popular)
plan it less
have a plan
spend 45 minutes / point
look for someone who plays your same game
don't call it a game
discard one or more points (up to 5)
make 7 conditional
observe what you say in 7
look for other activities
take a "Sex and Relationships" class
watch a movie
skip crowded places
go to scuba diving / skydiving
go to a quiet beach

For my second date I tried the "go with the flow" thing that so many users suggested. I think that is not my natural style but I have to admit things didn't work in my first date so I had nothing to lose trying something new out.

So this time my plan was something like:
0. To prepare myself at RL.
1. Meeting at home at 10:00 PM.
2. Go with the flow.

And this is what happened:

0. To prepare myself at RL.
For this time I decided to sacrifice a lamb to the gods. I couldn't find an alive lamb so I skipped this one.
- / -

1. Meeting at home at 10:00 PM.
I waited for my gf for long time... I was seated in front of our home waiting for her (see pic).
She arrived at 11:40. Yes, 100 minutes of delay! That's a little too much... even for a Spanish woman! She had an excuse. Thirty seconds after she arrived I was happy again. I don't even remember her excuse now, but I remember she had one. For me, having an excuse is what it really counts in these situations.
5 / 10

2. Go with the flow.
We decided to go to dance to Phat Cat's. We arrived at the place and five minutes later we were dancing and chatting. Some minor technical problems and interruptions this time. We were chatting a lot while listening to the romantic music. Our avatars were dancing like pros. Everything was working very well. Then he appeared...
I started to receive IM's from a just made avatar. The text lines were "all in caps" and they looked like if they were copy-paste. Too fast for typing. Bad words about my gf and suggestions for me to leave her. I said four times to the guy that I didn't care about what he had to say to me about my gf but he continued spamming me. The guy finally left, leaving like 30 lines of ugly text in my IM box.
Of course, I had to share this with my gf. She was worried. I didn't ask her a word and I just said her to forget this incident, that I didn't really care who that guy was and what he said. The thing is that all the crap that guy said about my gf made me to want to protect her more and made me to want to stay with her more so I think he got a reversed effect.
We decided to continue in the same site. We restarted our PCs and our minds... the good mood was slowly returning. Thirty minutes after the incident we were really comfortable again. We continued talking and dancing and we had some nice touching moments. Time flied and she had to go to sleep. We just closed our computers in the middle of Phat Cat's dance floor.
9 / 10

In resume, that was a great night full of emotions, surprises and lovely emotional moments. I think I will continue with the simplicity and with the "go with the flow" plan. Thanks again to all those who suggested this or any other thing.

Use the mute button!

Pep (and don't tell the gf about it unless she says that she is getting harassed as well.)

I evaluated the situation, the pros and the cons of say to her what was happening or not to say it to her and I finally decided to share it. She knew that I was being distracted and she has an enemy out, that's a fact. I think is better she knows of his existence, who he is and what he does to fight him in case he attacks her in another situation.

I think you made the right choice. If someone is using alts to stalk and harass her, she needs to know so she can AR them. The more alts that are reported the more likely that person will be banned.

Having trouble reading, Rhonda? Or is it yet another case of over-emotional over-reaction? Are you getting excited at yet another non-existent case of brutality to females? Call the cavalry! Where is Scylla?

The OP did not say that the griefer was IMing his date. She wasn't being harassed. *HE* was.

And if he had done as I suggested he would have not been diverted from his primary intentions, she would not have even known about it, and the interruption to the date would have been minimal.

Pep (At least the OP has the defence of being an ESLer when his response suggested he didn't fully comprehend my advice.)

Oh, Pep. Must you be so incendiary?



I do agree that I personally might not have told her for the sake of the mood. But he explained that she has some sort of trouble with a stalker. So in that case, I might have told her as well.



Bad Pep. Mentioning other people's status an "ESLer" is just rude. The OP speaks English fine and I would not have known that if you didn't mention it. And it seems to me that he comprehended your advice and explained that he wanted to let his girlfriend know why he was distracted.