Your opinions please....

This is my first thread, however i love to read them often for the overall wonderfull advice you all give. This is in regards to relationships, and the overall view of people in sl regarding them. I am married, very happy, and gonna stay that way in rl. I am also partnered in my SL and i love her dearly, however its a mental sanctuary and it would never cross over to my RL. So many people here are of the opinion that the relationships they have here are truley real, and i have been told often if you are so happy in your RL what would you need a relationship in SL for. I also get the people that think i am cheating on my wife in RL even though i or my partner have no intentions of making it a RL relationship. So do you think it is cheating on your RL spouse to have a partner here, assuming that you both have no intentions on meeting in RL? Do you think SL is to blame for an already shakey marriage when a spouse leaves his/her lives to make a new one with the SL partner? Why do so many people have a hard time seperating the 2 worlds? I personaly would find it alot easier to meet someone in RL if i was unhappy with my current situation, rather than get to know someone over time here, arrange a meeting, then get to know them all over again in RL. Your opinions please...and again thank you all for the great responses you give

I'm one of those who doesn't separate 'real' from 'virtual' relationships, if you're in a rl relationship and you have a 'partner' in SL, then it's cheating - even if you have no intention of meeting up for real (which is hard to avoid really once you get too involved).

If your real life partner knows about your SL relationship and is absolutely 100% fine with it ... then that is ok, because you are being honest and open with them. If, however, you are hiding it then surely that must set off some warning bells somewhere?

Personally, I would never get into that situation of having more than one relationship at a time, whether real, virtual, or a mix, but many people do have different opinions on this.

I'd always advise people to sort out "real life" before embarking on a secondary virtual relationship anyway.

Broccoli

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And those are just the more recent ones. You did say you loved reading threads here. That should keep you busy for a while.

thx for your input ray.........and please if this is a seen it before boring topic for any of you please feel free to bypass it thx

Pretty much done to death a hundred times..... depends on the circumstances, I personally feel that its cheating if you have to hide it then you are clearly doing something wrong. Who you sleep with IRL is proberly LESS of a cheat than who you commit to on an emotional level. I know others feel differently and its a good thing. If you feel that you are doing something wrong then you proberly are.... if you feel that you are 100% ok ... then thats good too.

Marty

It's not that it's a boring topic, it's that it has been beaten to death repeatedly and always ends very, very, very ugly.

It's not that it's a boring topic, it's that it has been beaten to death repeatedly and always ends very badly. If you go through those threads that Raymond has provided you will see that the simple answer is that there is no simple answer.

I think there is a simple answer actually.

If the situation troubles you enough to have to go to a public forum and ask stranger's opinions on whether what you are doing is right or wrong, then you have doubt in your mind already as to whether it is right, and hope that someone tells you it's not a problem.

Broccoli

Amen to that.

Very sorry.........i was misunderstood i guess, i am in no way troubled nor do i seek justification in anything i do, just was curious as to the way some people view the life they lead here as it relates to the life they lead in rl.............very sorry for bringing the topic up, i can clearly see by the past threads that this is sl's version of religion and politics and that there is no right answers just opinions.........................ty for the lesson (lol), altho i did state right off the bat, opinions please not answers please.

Don't worry about it, it makes a change from threads about CSI

Broccoli

It's not just emotional relationships that we need to worry about here! What if an RL is putting their spare cash into SL to build a beach paradise for their avatar while they avoid going to a real beach with their RL partner???


Also, I guess for some RLs, the emotional attachment they have is probably for their own avatar, rather than a love for someone else's. It's easier to make oneself a virtual girlfriend / boyfriend that to go hunting for one in-world!

Cheating is defined by any one person in a relationship. if any one of them thinks it is.... well it is.

so if your RL amore thinks it's cheating, it is. if they don't know about it, it probably is. and if they don't care, it isn't.

same goes for the SL version.

I have probably posted to more than one of Raymond's quoted threads. It's a subject I can rarely if ever resist posting on.
I met my RL/SL fiancee through the internet, a forum in fact 9 years ago. We formed a hard core of regulars, similar to todays forum cartel. We joked, we cajoled, we had fun online. This was text only I should point out. Some of us in UK met up and became RL friends. One of our American friends even came over to visit and became 'real' too. Morgaine and I became close and got engaged.
We still live apart though and use SL as a form of comms. Now whilst I only have friends, no lovers on SL, apart from Morgaine, she is jealous of my time there without her. She acknowledges but does not condone my alt but that is beside the point. I am not cheating on her but she remains very afraid that as we met on the web, so I may find and meet another. Such is insecurity.
Phr33k, I put it to you that if your RL partner does not even know of your SL existence, let alone SL 'partner', how can you be doing anything *but* cheating?

Simply put, in the area of this subject, there *is* no separation. The presser of the keys on the other side of that screen are capable of the same love, hate, tears and pain as the person in the next room.

it already crossed over. you invested emotionally, and that's cheating.

What you're describing is what marriage counselors call an "emotional affair". A relationship with someone other than your spouse need not be physical to be an affair. Clearly, you're getting something from your SL partner that you feel you're unable to get from your wife. I don't pretend to know you or your marriage, but by your own description, if your marriage were as solid as you'd like it to be, you wouldn't need this "mental sanctuary" from it with this other person.

If I were you, I'd look at it like this. If your wife were having "sanctuary" with another man, regardless of whether or not they ever came together physically, would her bond with him make you happy? I'd bet any amount that the answer is no. Chances are it would hurt.

You might not be cheating in the coital sense, but you almost certainly are in the emotional sense. Which is worse? Well, what makes you more you as a person, your body or your mind? I think most people would say mind. Well, if that's the case, what business do you have sharing so much of your intimate self with someone who's not your wife?

And that's really where the hurt lies when we're cheated on, isn't it? It's not just the question of which body part was put where; it's the sudden realization that our connection with our spouse had been so out of whack for so long that he or she would have needed to find a bond with someone else in the first place. It's enough to make our whole sense of reality come crashing down. Ask anyone who's been cheated on in a lasting, meaningful relationship; they'll say the same thing.

If you've honestly and openly discussed this other relationship with your wife, and you're both genuinely OK with it, that's one thing. But if this is something that you do to step outside your marriage, then yes, you're cheating.



Key words, "already shaky". How could SL be to blame for anything that already existed before it came along? It couldn't, obviously.

Now, if you're talking about a RL marriage that became shaky as a result of someone having an SL romance, that still wouldn't be SL's fault. SL is out there, just like the real world is out there. What people choose to do in it is up to them. If someone cheats in RL, it's not the world's fault; it's their fault. If someone finds something in SL that drives a wedge into his or her marriage, all I can say is the wedge wouldn't have fit if there weren't already a crack there waiting for it. People are people, SL or no SL.

Or, to put it another way, was it Superman's fault when that kid jumped off his roof? No, that kid was already a walking Darwin Award in waiting. The fact that he happened to be a Superman fan as well as an idiot didn't matter. The idiot part is what killed him.


Why should they be separate? My existence is my existence. I'm not two people; I'm one. I might do different things in SL than in RL, just as I might do different things on the tennis court than on the golf course, but that doesn't mean I'm not me in both arenas. What happens in one will affect the other. There's no way around that.

People come up with all kinds of catch phrases to help themselves think they can safely compartmentalize their lives, stuff like "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," or "I don't bring work home with me," or "I leave my dirty shoes at the door". The truth though is that our brains just don't work that way. We're not computers. We can't just flush one program out of memory and call up another at the drop of a hat. (Well, some can, but those people have what's called multiple personality disorder, which I'm sure you don't want.)

Everything that happens in your existence affects who you are as a whole. Trying to pretend otherwise is naiive and self delusional.


You might think that on a logical level, but the truth is you DID meet someone in SL, and regardless of whether or not you ever meet that person in RL, she's providing for some sort of emotional need you have that you are, for whatever reason, unable to get from your wife. Again, I invite you to look at it the other way around. If your wife were fulfilling an emotional need with another man, I'm sure it would upset you. You might be big enough to say on an intellectual level "Well, if it makes her happy, then I'm happy," but deep down it would eat at you. On some level, whether you realize it intellectually or not, you'd feel hurt, betrayed, inadequate, all the things people feel when they know they've been cheated on.

Again, if your wife knows exactly what you do with this other person, if you've openly discussed with her how this other relationship makes you feel, and she's completely OK with it, both intellectually and emotionally, then that's all well and fine. It would be hard to imagine fully that that's the case though.



So, opinion asked for, opinion given. Yes, it's cheating.

My favorite, more of an axiom, is "Don't fish off the company pier."

Heh, good one. I know more than a few happily married couples who would probably disagree, since they happened to have met at work, but generally good policy.

are emotions real or virtual?


on the other hand, if the only factor is 'real' sex (or hugging kissing, whatever), then it's nothing. it's a video game. it's like your playing one of those japanese dating games. i guess? do wives get jealous of dating game geishas? is it different because this 'other woman' is a real, living, thinking human being?



now, if this were a ROLE PLAYING game.... okay, your knight in shining armor character could rescue a damsel and have romping adventures and romance, and THAT would be all fiction. (some spouses are okay with this type of scenario, and some are not.)

but this is second life, and most people are themselves. so its fantasy, perhaps, but not fiction.


but, seriously, when it comes down to it, if the spouse doesn't care, then who else would?

Do you have sex with your sl partner ? Do you masturbate in real while having sex with her and are you having sex with her 'in your head' while you do ?.

If so youre a cheat

I'll be forthcoming (my favorite attribute)--it isn't officially cheating, but unless you're wife is super liberal, secure, and open-minded...it's definitely going to harm your RL relationship.

I mean...you just use the word 'love' when referring to your SL relationship...I've had RL girlfriends go ballistic for way less than this...there are very few woman that would put up with it...and even fewer than wouldn't be hurt by it.

It's a bad idea...and I don't see why you need both.

Thinking about another woman, 'simulating' sex with her and 'falling in love with her' arent officially cheating ?

Yes...it's not technically cheating...no physical connection of any kind has been made--however, I can understand how the [word] is completely subjective.

By my full response, you can see that the word 'cheat' has nothing to do with it...the cause and effect are the same...so like I said, unless you have the most free-spirited swinger as a girlfriend...there is going to be jealousy, hurt, and trouble coming to a theater near you.

Michael, did you read my post?

An emotional affair is just as real as a physical one. A marriage is not just about sex. Forming a secret romantic bond with another person besides your spouse is cheating. Whether or not there has been physical contact is secondary.

-Yes, it is Cheating!

-No, it is Not Cheating!


Pick one of those two, whichever one you want.

Hopefully your RL wife would pick the same one.