SL Dating

If your married, and you and your spouse want to play with other people, Don't...
you have a very good chance at ruining your marriage... trust me I know

Its not worth it... play with your spouse only... yes friends on sl are no problem, but sl lovers can be, and probably WILL be.

Please take my advise and don't put yourself in my situation.

I wish i could go back to b4 we played this way... I'd give anything(ANYTHING)

Take care and play and have fun its a great game, I still love the game just be careful

that is true for some but not for all
some people have strong enough marriages to do it and work thru any issues that crop up
as long as certain rules are set ahead of time
it also depends on the sl lovers if they try to worm their way in or cause problems or not b
leave things alone then that can be an issue

Tyci is right Johnny. I nearly posted myself but waited. SL gives us the chance to grow stronger as well as the chance to grow weaker. We cannot define strict and accurate rules for all here.
My alt has a lover. We both have real lovers but we agree that within SL we stop at the screen. No-one needs to get hurt.

this sounds like a personal issue. You are posting here becuase you got hurt. Some sort of catharsis I suppose.

Normally (back when there was a general area) these threads devolve into a "what is cheating?" debate.

Its sad your wife's online relationship is hurting your RL one, but its really not a "SL" thing. This issue has been around the entire life of the internet. Ever since chat rooms started making cyber dating possible.

Its sad this hapened to you - she should be willing to walk away from SL dating for you since it hurts you. Good luck with working through things.

I think everyone whose been married and not living in a box since 1996 or so knows about this particular issue tho. So not sure this warning is very timely.

My best advice to any married person who does on-line dating roleplay is to always be VERY up-front with any possible partners that the on-line stuff is ONLY roleplay between the characters, and never to be asumed to extend to the people at the keyboard. I actually have a notecard that I give out to those few I decide to do amorous RP with - sort of a "pre-nuptual agreement" that very clearly spells out my expectations and limitations, including the fact that I'm married in RL and that I absolutely NEVER date my on-line friends as a RL activity. As long as they accept that set of stipulations, it's fairly safe.

Online roleplay is sharing the experience of writing a good story. It doesn't matter if it's roleplay of dating, or of conquest of kingdoms, or slaying dragons and rescuing fair maidens. If understood and accepted as FICTION, and nothing more, it's OK.

On the other hand, yeah, I can certainly see people getting hurt if one side or the other starts thinking of it as more than just fiction between the characters. I've seen at least one marrige in RL break up because of the activities of one or both partners in SL. That, in my opinion, is a real shame.

So... if you're not certain of your own determination to keep it seperate from reality, or if you think your RL mate or on-line lover might not accept that... then yes, avoid the dating roleplay.

For me it is about establishing a simple rule: I don't date, or eroticly fool around with women who are married in real life. Despite how hard it can be to resist some amazing people, ultimately when it comes down to it, I find myself feeling terrible.

Its a situation that no possble good can come from, as far as I am concerned. If you are married, spend time with your RL partner. Or get a divorce before you drag me into anything. Otherwise, simply expect that we can be friends, but nothing more.

not all married couples that fool around with people in something like SL need to divorce nor do they need to spend time in here together

sometimes as long as they are honest about it with an sl person/partner it works out nicely

im partnered to my rl hubby in here now but i wasnt always and i was partnered to someone else for quite some time my hubby knew the person i was partnered to knew..that we only had an sl thing and it was great while it lasted

it dont work for everyone but it should be up to the individuals involved

honesty first though....dont start a sl relationship with someone and lie to them about having a rl spouse or what you want out of sl

Maybe some peoples relationships are strong, but still I think the risk on what you could lose is too great, especially if you have kids too. But in the end it's up to the individual, but a warning is a good thing for the many newer people just discovering cybering by entering SL when they had no intrest in traditional chat rooms.

Everyone comes into SL with their own expectations, rules, and limits. These can certainly change over time, but as long as you're up-front with both your RL partners and your SL ones, I think an SL partnership can be a valuable extension to your lovelife. I know several RL married couples who play Second Life and have partners other than their real-life spouse. They've got strong marriages outside the game, and don't keep secrets about their Second Lives.

But what works for some won't work for all. Regardless, I think you're most vulnerable in any situation that requires secrecy from your partner or others.

I have friends in SL and I have had 'relations' with one or two people but that's between me and other avatars and nothing to do with my RL agent!!!!

I have an even easier system: I don't date, or erotically fool around.

I'm married, and I wouldn't do chat room stuff either. To me, that would be cheating. The most important thing is to understand your own limits, and to know what you and your partner want. Of course, the OP points out that you can be open with your RL partner, and still get into trouble! Err on the side of being careful.

I have a friend in-world who says that she won't "fool around" with anybody who can't answer "yes" to the question "would you be doing this with your RL partner in the room?" Probably a good starting point.

-Rob

I agree! I don't play anything but a kid in SL and it suits me But yes, dear, I agree with your statement. It always puzzled me how one could have loyalty and "love" in both places effectively. You can't. And that's the answer.

to me rl love and sl love are 2 completely and very different things

i have loved in sl...in a sl way we both knew there would be no rl meet up

and yes my husband knew..and he knew my husband

and yes it was something i would do with my rl partner in the same rl room

i can seperate sl from rl i guess for the most part

but i have a bunch of beliefs that are not mainstream lol

I suppose conversely I would be pissed as hell if I had an RL partner and found out they were in an SL affair. I might, for the sake of the realtionship, knuckle down and swallow my anger, but ultimately the trust would be gone.

Also, there is another perspective to consider, and that is the SL lover. I mean sure you are fine with it, and sure your RL hubby is fine with it, but what about me? Every minute you take from me, as a married woman going nowhere, is a moment I could be investing in someone who cares enough to have the potential relationship move forward.

SL is not just a game, its a communication tool. I suggest asking yourself how you would feel if you came home and found a bunch of love letters in your spouses dresser drawer, the last one dated yesterday.

for some this may be a way to find and start a relationship and move forward..its not that way for all

just because something doesnt work for you doesnt mean it doesnt work for others

i do not equate a sl relationship or sl love with real love because for me its not

every person i was ever with in sl knew i had a rl spouse and knew he played sl they all knew our sl relationship was just that..sl and were fine with it at least im better then alot and come with the truth straight from the beginning

I'm Married IRL,
My Wife (Gay Marriage, God Bless Canada) Knows about my SL slaves, and my SL Wife. She has spoken to them herself, she even has gone as Far as Logging in, and letting My On Line Loves Know when i was Hospitalized, Knowing that they would worry if i disappeared with no word.

In Real Life, My Marriage is Not an Open one, we are devoted to Each other (She can even be a Little jealous. Lol), But my wife has No problem with my On Line affairs, despite how real they are to me, because i Follow One Condition We Both set down at the Start. On Line Relationships STAY On Line. There is no straying into RL permitted.

There is no reason one cannot have both as long as one treats the RL Marriage with the Honesty, and the Respect that is it's Due. the Biggest issue seems to be one of trust. If you Feel you have to Hide it then Yes, you shouldn't be doing it, BUT if you can be Open, and above with it, and it makes no difference then there is no reason to Not have your On Line Loves.

Angel.

I think different people have different ideas of what a marriage means. In RL people have different standards regarding flirting, business relationships, hobbies, etc. relative to the marital relationship. In RL some people are fine if their spouse indulges in pornography, others would be offended or wounded. So until the day we all share the same values, I doubt we will all give the same advice to people regarding SL relationships.

What I think we could all agree on, however, is that SL relationships are real and can be meaningful. I cherish many of my relationships with people I've never met, cultivated on-line through bulletin boards, discussion forums, listserves, etc. When travelling I've gone out of my way to meet people I felt close to whom I'd developed a relationship with online. These are real relationships, with the potential to cross the line between cyberspace and RL.

I would consider a romantic involvement in SL a real risk to my relationship with my wife. Out of a commitment to that relationship as well as to my children, I just won't do it. This reflects both my understanding of online relationships, which I think others from various perspectives can appreciate, as well as my personal values (and those of my family), which I understand are not shared by so many. I don't think a little cyber would inevitably ruin my marriage, but the consequences if it did are too costly to me.

Weve all discussed this issue a half dozen times before. Jakes stand on it is pretty reasonable and to be respected. I feel its always important that both partners conscience be clear before getting involved.

Of course theres a lot of people who have different sorts of marraiges, Everyone who dates on the internet does so for some Reason. At the very least you should tell any prospective partner your marital status as soon as they make clear your real life situation matters to them.

Theres a lot of people in SL who feel SL is SL and RL is RL and refuse to mix them. Though this is often impossible to maintain/ if both partners feel that way , its not up to any of us to judge it.

As for losing time dating in SL - Ill say dating in Second Life with the goal of a RL relationship is a pretty low percentage effort. People would be better using Sites that focus on RL pairings, such as Eharmony or Match.com.

Or else not date anyone in SL without a similair eventual goal.

(on the other hand) Dating can in and of itself be worthwhile - Theres no law that says .. spend x time .. get y result lol

Again - this is an issue as old as the internet - to claim SL has some monopoly on the situation is silly.

I remember the exact same things happening in chat rooms in 1998 - even worse since we were all really quick to share phone numbers back then.

she sent him scented letters, and he received them with a strange delight...

You have to talk about this up front in SL so you both know that it is just a game and what happens stays in the game. Yes emotions will flare and relationships will form but it must stay in SL. I think as long as you keep the game in perspective you can have fun and not disrespect your SO because the avatar is not the actual person on the other side.


Personally I see it as a story that we create. sometimes fun sometimes romantic sometimes an adventure. But I can see my avatar being with someone for a time and decide that they should move on to form a relationship, get married etc. But in RL I have no compulsion to run off to see this person or feel anything more than a friendship with the person behind the other avatar. Again it is perspective. If you feel it is cheating don't do it. If you feel it is a game and can leave it in the game then do it. If you can see it as a game and they want to talk on the phone end it. if you spend more time with your SL wife than your RL wife then you need to close the computer and step away.

One thing it has done by dating in SL is remind me to take my wife out on more romantic dates. to in a way to remember when we first dated. I see it as a great tool for inspiration instead of a distraction. Think about it. Have you tried to create as much romance as you do in SL in RL with your SO? SL is a great opertunity to learn something new or try something new.

It can't be any easier on single people or worse even since you meet someone in RL and then have to explain the SL relationship to your new girl.... good luck.


I may have an odd perspective on this but thought it worth sharing since it is something that I took time to think about when I first started playing.

LOL

Longer than that

Back in the late 80's (while the internet was mostly unheard of), we called them BBS's and would dial in with our 2400 BAUD modems.

The technology might change, but human nature remains the same.

wow flashback.

I remember the days of compuserve chat rooms. good times good times... I even met someone in RL off their chat rooms dated for a year and it finally disintergrated because of the distances invloved.

its also the reason I know what to expect in SL. Once was enough for me.

I saw a special on Ben Franklin and he maintained several fairly romantic pen pal relationships outside of his RL marriage, none of these supposedly went into "RL" Affairs. That was in the 1780's .

I imagine to some people who were not very "with it" technology wise, That cyber dating is a new thing.

SO to them it must seem like Second Life and cyberdating outside of your normal RL marriage is a new invention / wonder / evil - depending on the point of view.

I guess the best things before someone decides to cyber date is be honest with themselves on a few things-

-why they want to
-the feelings of the RL partner if any (whether pro /con)
-what do they consider Cyber dating (Role Play / harmless fun / serious but not rl / prelude to RL?)
-how far are they willing to go, emotionally and physically.

This way they arent jumping blindly into things.

How someone feels about those areas should be shared with potential partners very early in any budding relationship.

They should also be shared with any RL partners (unless someone is intentioanlly going behind their partner's back of course)

It sounds like the original Poster either has jealousy issues he didnt realize he had - OR that his wife wasnt very honest how about how far emotionally she was willing to go with her cyber sweetie.

To say that all married people should never cyber date outside of their RL marriage is a great moral stand - Its also totally unrealitic.

Its like telling teenagers the only choice is abstenence. Some will agree - others will just go on fornicating like always.

Much better to be rational about things. I do agree for most RL couples whose Marriage is based on absolute exclusivity , cyber dating is not for them.

I tried the RL and SL different..yeah that didnt work out so well for me then I met my SL hubby and met him in RL,and I am very happy to have him in both my worlds <3

People do need to realize that online relationships and online erotic play with others can be very real and you often form an emotional bond with your online partner. I do think some people jump into online dating and play to spice things up without realizing that they may actually become attached to the person on the other keyboard.

That said, I agree with others who expressed the view that whether online dating is okay from the confines of real life relationship really depends on the rules setup by the people in the relationship. My wife and I have an open relationship when it comes to being online. We both engaged in online dating and play with others before we were married and our enjoyment of that activity didn't change once we were married.

We are both open and upfront about being married with people we interact with online. That I'm married and in an open relationship is in my profile. I do like to make sure that anyone I'm with online is comfortable with that fact before anything serious happens.

This is a setup that works for our relationship, but I can definitely see that it would not work for everyone. One thing I know for certain. If your RL relationship is having troubles, playing online will only make things worse.