SL Dating

Damn... in 1985, I was using a 300 baud coupler and having cyberfun in Compuserve... ah, yes, lots has changed.

But little has changed in how people deal with their feelings in RL and in whatever electronic world you participate. I'm new to SL, but have spent decades exploring roleplay in various other regions, and to this day keep my RL and SL worlds completely and distinctly seperate. My persona in SL isn't married, has no children, has no job or responsibilities to speak of and spends her days shopping and exploring fantasies that in RL would not be possible. I have learned to compartmentalize the two and will continue to do so. It works for me, but I can guarantee it would not for everyone. You have to learn to do what is most comfortable for YOU.

If you find that keeping secrets from your RL spouse is causing problems, well, is that any different from being a closet drinker, or gambler or any other vice you feel your spouse (oh, yeah that's right...the one you made VOWS to) shouldn't know about? And if one or both of you is having difficulty "sharing" each other intimately with other people, then why would you want to put the other through such anguish? Just doesn't seem like a very nice thing to do.

Me, my views and opinions often differ with the mainstream, so again, what works for me is not necessarily going to work for everyone. But to chime in on the "cheating" issue... nonsense, hogwash and pure rubbish. Perhaps the correct term would be "fooling yourself", because how can you cheat with vapor... you can, however, fool yourself into believing that your role play is more than it is. However serious it may seem at the time, it is not reality... and should never be thought of as such. But I understand how the lines can be seriously blurred, so don't flame me for that opinion, please.

Well said. Having the relationships isn't the Problem, the problems come when you are having them, and being dishonest about them, Or Having them After your partner has already made it clear they object to the practice.
I have my On Line Loves, and Yes, the feelings i have for them are VERY real, My RL wife Knows this (And respects it) but she Knows, End of day Nothing will ever take me from her. My On Line loves Know this, I make No secret of it right at the beginning of our relationship, so they respect the Limits that have been set. I Love them, I am there for them with suport, and advice, as they are for me, But they Know it Stays On Line.

Angel.

If i were married and my spouse played SL and was partnered with someone i`d be beyond pissed off.

BUT there are people i know who are married and they both play and both are ok with eachother partnerning others.

Also, some ppl partner just for the thrill and really have no feelings for the other person.

Ben Franklin was a notorious womanizer and slept with half the women in Paris to finance the American Revolution. Of course that was back in the day when marriage was marriage and sex was sex, and never the two should meet, once children are born. I mean your wife is your wife and your GF your GF.

I suppose we can all get on board and say "well in my relationship, all my online screwing around is fine, because my spouse knows." I understand that, and basically, we are all adults in SL. BUt I think its very critical that you discolose that you are married, RL, preferrerably in your profile, and if not in your profile, disclose it in conversations early on.

My own online experience has been frought with disasters in this regard. In a different game, I was advised that the RL spouse knew all about online activity (which, in fact, was not remotely sexual, but was very time consuming) and the he was ok with it, as the marriage was open and he travelled alot. Well after the first death threat phone call, I had to get a new telephone number, new internet accounts and a restraining order.

In discussions with your spouse its very easy for someone to say "I am ok with this" in theory but then, when confronted with the realtiy, it is not, in fact, something they are okay with.

My initial SL experience was marked by a wonderful few days witha very intersting woman, who after a week or so, told me she was married RL. I admired her honesty for speaking the truth, and responded with my own honesty-I don't mess around with married women. This resulted in a ballistic scene where I was branded a Jerk, and was described as a Jerk to everyone in my first SL social circle. Not to mention all sorts of follow on griefing.

Relationships are hard as hell, and they require an investment of time and emotion to make work. I am all for being casual about relationships in SL, and I certainly don't advocate coming to SL and looking for an RL hook-up. But really when you are in the throws of initial passion, its very easy for someone married to be deceptive in order to get the emotional fix they need from coming on to SL. So I would be very cautious about getting involved, even when someone says its ok with thier spouse.

And for god sakes, if you are havving an SL affair with a married man, please don't act mystified when you find out hi RL wife is pissed off about it. Even if he said the realtionship was open.

For me personally, even in something that is purely online, I am not playing second place to anyone. I am not taking time out of my life to spend it with someone who is inveting time in soemone else. I just have better things to do with my time.

LOL this isnt really a fact. Ben Franklin did not finace the revolution by sleeping with the women of Paris. There is evidence he was a womanizor at some point, But by the time of the revolution he was a fairly old man and though debated his relationships with socialites are thought to have been plutonic.

And If I remember correctly of the social set it was mainly 2 women in Paris - and one was quite young.

His serious womanizing days I beleive predated the revolution.

While Herofication is a danger in the study of history, and many sources will downplay any illicit activity; Im pretty sure his high class giggalo status would have been reported ;pPppPP.

(as Ive posted in the past)

Im married in real life - My husband doesnt know about me in secondlife, and I dont intend on telling him.

Yes I do consider this cheating - and I have my reasons.

However, I tell any person I date before we ever are dating. If he or she isnt wanting that sort of situation they are free to walk away.

Ive dated a few men who claim to be okay with my RL situation but instead the relationship evolves into them basically dating me online and waiting for my RL marriage to end. In the situations where this happend I ended the relationship immediately.

In the process I wonder if any person not in a similair situation to mine really is capable of understanding what its like. I have since kept all relationships at a very long arms length.

I am very uncomfortable dating people even on this casual, polyamourous, "light" level if they are not actively dating irl. And I will be happy to wish them well at the point they have someone they should be exclusive to.

Its lonelier but easier on both me and anyone Im involved with.

I find anyone who is having more than a one night stand is responsible for telling their lover how they feel about relationships RL and Online, what seperation Rl/SL they need, etc.

They also should ask their potential lover how they feel, and their situations.

Ill go further to say if you married and dating online its not up to you to judge if another person needs to walk away, for ANY reason. You are married; someone who was okay with that for 6 months may decide they cant be any more - its not up to you to tell them they are wrong. Thats the price you pay for dating outside of your RL relationship.

Now theres a whole bunch of people who are SL is SL and RL is RL and never shall the two mix at any level. Thats fine - they should just make sure they are dating someone that agrees.

Jake, the Point isn't so much "My wife Knows" the point people (Myself included) are making is thier spouse Knows AND APPROVES.

I don't know about Posting Marital status in my Profile, it really isn't relevant to anyone else Other than the people i Choose to have relations with and They get told pretty Early On. As i have been saying, these relationships Have to be Honest ones. Full disclosure on all sides. To date, My On Line mates (With one exception), have been single. That hasn't been by design, it just worked out that way, But every One has Known my Marital Status, and Most have even had short Chats with my wife.

I've said it before, If you feel you have to Hide it, then you Know you are doing Wrong.

Angel.

Lots of good advice in this thread.

Need to remind myself to re read this before getting involved with anyone else in SL again.

My own thoughts on this are that it really comes down to honesty between all concerned. My RL wife was best (wo)man at my SL marriage, and I have no issues about her SL boyfriend. We each have the other's partner as friends and exchange an occasional good natured IM, as well as us letting each other know when our SL partners log on.

I would agree that if you are doing something that you don't feel able to tell your spouse about then you may be heading for trouble and shouldn't be doing it.

We both feel that our Second lives in many ways enrich our first lives, so don't let Johnny's comments put you all off, just be honest with yourself and others

What people consent to do with each other is their own business. Some types of relationships are harder for some people to handle than others.

That said, I know of several married couples who have agreed with each other to "play" with others online. Every one has either had a temporary separation or a divorce as a result of online playing (or other issues that happen to become problems at the same time the online roleplaying starts).

I think many people underestimate the emotional attachment they can develop through a virtual sexual relationship, or underestimate their ability to accept their partner's virtual relationships.

Any couple that wants to do online swinging may be well advised not to make the decision lightly.

(As an interesting aside, I also know a few couples in "open" marriages- not virtual, but entirely real world- who seem to enjoy their open marriages with few problems, or at least few problems that I know about.)

100% in agreement with the Emperor here. People often want to be accommodating of their spouse's desires, esp. if the relationship is in trouble and they're trying to save it. I know this - I put up with a ton of crap to try to save my RL marriage and it went down the tubes anyway. Not to mention people may think if they say they're okay with their partner playing around, their partner will have to okay the same thing for them. And most importantly, people often like to think that they're more tolerant of things than they are in reality.

I don't want to get in the middle of anyone's RL relationship issues. You can't predict how you may end up feeling about someone you're just playing around with. Yes many people are here for role playing, and some may be able to separate SL and RL just fine, but I suspect that for the majority there is enough cross-over to cause problems.

You are still my 0fficial spanker, and spankee.

This was a wonderful post.

Yes your spouse knows, and approves. Still that makes me a stable pony because you are essentially taking from me (the hypothetical online partner) all the things you cannot get from your spouse. In return you are investing little or nothing in terms of me, because you have an RL spounse who is also taking from you. Even if you give back to your online relationship, its not 100%, nor are your putting 100% in your RL relationship. Thus you get what you need, and you have an excuse to not give back 100% because SL is SL and RL is RL.

Now this might be ok if you truly can accept that if you are with me in SL you are going to share, and that I am never, ever, going to commit to be entirely withou, because as soon as someone who actually wants to be with comes a long I am going to bolt. The trouble is, that when this happens, you are going to throw a fit and be jealous and saddle me with drama about what an aweful person I am for wanting a "newbie hoochie".

When you enter an SL relatinship withsomeone it is best to sort out early on how you are going to act when you break up. YOu will break up. In about three weeks if you have an average SL partnership.

awww

.. wait spankee ?

Well read your posts in AJA and see how many you are owed.

I know someone who gets married every month and has since Ive known her (2 years) every single one "Has taught her how to love again" hehe

Its very hard convincing people who arent long jaded that relationships are short online. People like to gloss over this issue.

Luckily I find jaded sexy.

Is one of those cases of what makes sense online, Polyamory or serial "Monogamy".

Some prefer the former - Others like the playing house aspects of the latter.

SL Dating came into my marriage last month and my husband has a SL girlfriend; little by little they spend more and more time online and I know pretty well that this would be one of the causes that my marriage might very well end.
I don't think that SL Dating alone can ruin a marriage but it can definetely be one of the key points on this issue.
I'm not into SL Dating to be honest with you and sometimes I wish I were so I can understand my spouse better.
Oh well!
Good luck to all!

Feel Free to Contact my On Line Loves, thier names are in my Profile, My Partner, and my Girls, and Ask Them if i have Invested Nothing in them? No, On Line is Never going to be 100%. Physical Affection is Impossible in an On Line situation, But if that is a Major Definer for a relationship, the relationship will Fail. Emotional Support! That is really the Key to a successful relationship.
Now, As for Planning How you will Break Up,,:igh:: Oh yes, that's going to Really help build a meaningful relationship. "Ok, when you become the Bitch queen of the Universe, this is what we will do,,,," With a relationship Stratagy like that, Plan on a LOOOOOOOONG string of First Dates.
I think i see where your trouble is Now. The average length of My relationships On Line is about 18 months, The Longest was Four years (In SL terms that made us one of the people Celebrating our "Old Age" together. Lol), and Currently I STILL consider ALL of my Former companions as good and trusted friends. I've actually Been on line only a Little over Five years now, so I'd say i had gained a Handle on things Fairly Early. I Learned a Long time ago in RL NOT to be Selfish in Love. That is the Biggest Mistake anyone can make On, or Off line. I think If one is having a string of one night stands, and Flashpan affairs, then one shouldn't Blame "On Line Dating" or The Other Person, One should take a Hard look at ones self, and the Choices one makes.

Angel.

Online dating certainly won't help a relationship that is already having problems and it can be something that pushes a troubled relationship over the edge.

Online relationships played a small part in the end of my first marriage, but only a very small part. It had been in a downward spiral for several years and I had the misguided feeling that perhaps if I could get some of the emotional and sexual fulfillment online that was missing from my real life relationship that I'd be happy. What I think it did was make me understand how unhappy I was.

I'm remarried and yes, both of us do have relationships with others online. But, a key difference is that both of us are happy with our relationship with each other in the real world. Being online with someone else isn't about filling a space that my wife doesn't fill, but spicying things up with a bit of variety. It's hard to explain exactly how it is different, but it really is night and day.

Dear Technical Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and
Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and
left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for
several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to
use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex
Plus and Cleanhouse 2002.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and
can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter
products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the
problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns
unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict
with some of the new games I wanted
to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it
often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up
called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could
be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife
1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files
before uninstalling itself.

Any ideas on whether I should stay with XP or upgrade to Vista?

Stay with XP until the first upgrade pack. As for Mistress V2 it may well be wise to invest in a seperate hard disk so that the two versions (Wife 1, etc) need never meet. -

More seriously (after last post) I totally agree with this post and wish Dismay and her partner well.

I believe that to a greater or lessor extent we project ourselves into SL, thats one reason why it is so popular and has grown, and with that projection there are emotions. It might be possible to gainsay that and attempt to seperate First from Second Life but to a certain extent we are not being true to our inner selfs

Regards

John

Dearly Darlings,

I've been married for a very long time. I wear a wedding ring here in SL...it's pretty obvious...lots of bling. I could never imagine dating or being married here. I go to dances and things with friends. No romance here at all. I adore my husband and I think that it would hurt his feelings if I went around looking for other people to have an intimate relationship with. Plus I don't think there is another soul as smart and kind as Maneo is. He does not come here often and really only joined because I just simply had to own a piece of land in Green.

That being said, for some people I think that SL relationships are no different from reading a romance novel or seeing a sex movie. For others it's a real relationship. I think the notecard stating your intentions is a very smart idea. But for people with un-met needs that may not be enough. I guess you just have to be very wary...and picky.

Ever Yours,

Mrs. Showdog Tiger

I warned my fiancee that roleplaying her second account as an escort girl could mess with her emotions. I warned her three times.

So now I had 1 week of being ignored. She lost L$45000 of her savings which she plundered to play the big-shot. I have 2 bans from the "Moulin Rouge island" sim she works, because I came to check up on what the hell she was doing. And I had to let her go with the $1800 laptop she plays on.

Oh and the love of my life, who isn't sure about her feelings anymore, thinks I am the most horrible person in the world. One month before our wedding.

Obviously, she couldn't handle it.

this is a sad story of course - its unortunate you had all these problems.

Still you might accomplish more if you didnt blame her for everything.
Or if you really do feel everything was squarely her fault, then perhaps its for the best.

Good luck to you.