im sure this has happened to lots of you on sl :(((

Im writing this under an alt account because i dont want the person who did this to me to be exposed.. Anywayi met a wonderful girl on sl and developed a preety amazing rship. We spent hours together and sl just became about me and her. Then she supposedly got really sick with depression.Before that we went the full hog, swapped home phone numbers, mobile numbers, chatted on skype ect. Even discussed meeting in rl so yes the relatonship extended way beyond sl. Then she disapeared for 9 days. I was worried about her bc she had depresson and didnt know if she had been hospitalized or commited suicide. So in my attempts to find out how she was i found out she was really a man and married to a woman.

I remember when speaking on the phone to her i thought her voice was slightly masculine.I almost thought she could possibly be male to female Transgender. I didnt bring it up with her bc i thought that is her business. If she wants to tell me then she can. But now i know the truth. It is extremely hurtful to be lied to. However it sounds crasy that i still love the person that she presented to me. Even though i know the truth.

Tbh i dont think he/she deliberately set out to hurt me and i realy beleive they did come down with depression, has always had a history of depression. But what i think happened is that he/she was caught out by the wife and had to stop coming on sl. When i spoke to her/he they were constantly crying ect. So i think there was smething genuine there but it still hurts lke hell.

I dont mind ppl on sl pretending to be something there not as long as they keep it SL. But when they know that nothing can ever really happen in RL they shouldnt start acting like a RL relationship can ever work. They shouldnt cross those boundaries. Thats what hurts the most. They crossed those boundaries. Since this has happened i havent been on sl much. It hurts too much bc of all the reminders of our rship. And i dont know if i could be hurt like that again. I really did love sl before all this happened.Its a great place to be creative and have fun and meet really interesting people. But i just coldnt go through that sort of pain again. Even now i find it hard to let go of this person. SL at one stage was all about them *sigh*

You will probably all make fun of me for falling for this person and i even hate myself for falling the way i did. But im only human and love blinds us.

"Danger! Danger! Danger! Will Robinson!"

Pep (Surely we already have our Friday thread this week?)

no. this most certainly has not happened to me.

sorry, hon. that sucks. take care and move on as soon you can.

Ahhh, i thought voice was supposed to make these scenarios non-existent.

I am sorry you were hurt this way.

*big hugs*

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. He was head over heels in love with this girl. Their relationship went on for months and finally one day out of the blue she admitted to being a man. He was devastated and felt so betrayed. He still hasn't really gotten over it either,months later. Not sure how someone can do that to another person.

I'm sorry this happened, hopefully in time you will move on and your heart will hurt less and less. Good luck.

Wow, I'm sorry you've had to go through this. Unfortunately, it's just as easy to fall for someone in a virtual world-- where we only see the idealized self that others want us to see-- as it is to hide one's identity.

I think it's natural that you still have feelings for the person who you believed existed... take some time to feel better and mourn that loss, but don't let this bad experience sour you on the amazing and wonderful place that SL can be.

Yes, this happens a lot. You seem to be a pretty even-headed person, and just wanted to comment that you sound very sweet, and I wish you better luck in the future.

I'm really sorry to hear about your story. Many people have had relationships which didn't work out here, myself included. SL, can mirror life in many ways and we are not immune to falling in love and the sometimes painful fallouts which might follow when things don't work out like we expect them to.

Certainly you did nothing to deserve this happening to you. You opened your heart to another, trusted them with your emotions. Sadly, the other person was careless with the gift you gave them.

Most likely, however, not out of malice as you fear. I usually can see both side of the story and having known a couple of transgendered people, I can only imagine how confused your friend probably was too. It can't be easy to be living an incomplete life and while it isn't right to take advantage of another person by not being completely honest with them about who you are, especially when the relationship has progressed to an out-of-world one; I can understand why they might be hesitant to do so. Again - wrong morally but psychologicaly? Understandable.

You sound like you enjoy SL for other reasons than this relationship. Perhaps taking some time off would be helpful and when you're feeling stronger, come back, enjoy what SL has to offer and try not to let this completely ruin your desire to connect to others. I swore I'd never get involved inworld again after my first heartbreak, but several months later met someone who is now my RL love as well. So, you never know what the future may have in store for you

Hmm....first...I'm sorry to hear you have been put through this.

Second....no.....this has never happened to me. I don't do romance in SL....I don't seek it because I have it IRL and that's not what SL is about for me. But.....I did become friends with a male avatar a while back, via an art community I am active in......and he was 'married' in SL...... but later confessed to me (I suppose because we were just friends and I had no particular expectation of this person)....that 'he' was a woman. He(she) also told me her SL partner did not know this.

I stayed out of it...... now....he/she has moved past that romance and is involved with another person in SL whom I know is a female IRL......but I don't know if she knows her SL husband is a woman. Honestly...it kind of turns my stomach that people will take their deceipt to that level.

I accept my friend for who she is IRL.....I have no problem with her male avatar. I do find it difficult to witness this relationship, knowing that her partner in SL might not know the truth about her. The human being behind the avatar is very real......and some invest a lot of real emotional energy into the relationships they form. Nobody has the right to exploit that with role play....most especially romantic role play.

I can certainly see why this person you got involved with suffers from depression....he quite obviously is struggling with his identity....whether he wants to change gender....how to handle his situation as a married man. I can empathize with all of that. BUT... nothing excuses him going into SL and inventing a scenerio for himself that he drew an innocent heart into. I'm sorry...but I think that's absolutely beyond acceptable. He betrayed trusts and bounderies and preyed upon another person vulnerablities. Not cool...so not cool.

But...word to the wise....if it sounds like the wrong gender on the phone.....it probably is. And....if there's an overt amount of sickeningly cuddly baby talk terms of endearment.... something is wrong. Yeah sometimes people get silly and drippy.......but, um, I don't know of any happy healthy adult couple who speak to one another like that consistantly. It's just bizarre folks....come on......you siwwy wubby dubby poopie heads. *gag*

People do that when they are 'trying too hard' to be something they're not IRL.


Ok...ok....sorry...I don't want to offend and I know a handful of mature adults probably do use silly terms a lot...... It's just sort of one of those things you can use as a red flag.....especially if there are other troubling signs.

(((((hugs))))) chin up.....go forth...forget that loser...he's got waaaaay too much on his baggage cart for you to be dealing with it....... keep it loose....enjoy SL for all the other cool stuff going on.....and for cripe sake if a woman always dresses like a 1980s madonna wannabe stripper in SL......first red flag!!

even when the person is who they say they are in rl, you never know how many other people they are in sl, or how many other people they are saying the same things to
that some people can do these things so effortlessly never ceases to amaze me

a big hug to you - i have been in similar shoes

You've had some very good advice and comments from some people here and I don't have much to add except don't give up on love.

I know you are hurting now and I'm sorry for that. Even in SL truth is possible though. Not that I recommend SL romances (I've had my share of heartbreak too), but don't close your eyes to the possibilities. Just make sure you stay involved in 1st Life too! Much healing can come there.

Sending you hugs.

Unfortunately, SL is a virtual world with no set goals and no real bounds. Different people interact with the world for different reasons. When an avatar seeking a RL soulmate collides with an avatar who is just there to RP to the fullest extent, things can get really ugly real fast if bounds are not set, and immediately.

Most people who are there just to role-play, or who desire complete separation between SL and RL, will usually state so - at least in their profiles - and certainly if it looks like an SL relationship is about to breech that boundary.

Some, however, apparently don't. I'm sorry this has happened to you. *hugs*

Didn't we used to have a way to tell the gender of the person behind the AV?

Wow...

Uh... No.

Voice is the only thing people try to use to discern such things and it obviously is not always successful.

Hey guys, thanks for all your responses. I honestly didnt think i would get so many tbh. Well this guy/girl was so good at lying. He/she used to say they had endometriosis which is a womans complaint. He also said things very personal to me about his self that only a woman would really say (btw im female) So i had no reason to assume this person could possibly be male. The fact the he/she gave me their home number also led me to believe i could trust them. If you were lying about your rl why give out your home number?? But there was a little red flag that went up. He/she told me not to call at nighttime bc his housemate would wake up. Now i know the HM was his wife.

Throughout the whole thing i did have my doubts about whether he/she had a partner. Just never questioned the gender.I mean if you werer really the opposite gender from what you say you are you would never chat on the phone! So thats why i was convinced he/she was female. (as you can see im still on some form of denial coz i still keep referring to this person as male/female)

As i said they disapeared for 9 days..no contact on sl, phone, email, or whatever. They fnally texted me and said this bout of depression was very bad. We stayed in contact via text over these last 2 weeks (even tho i knew there was a possiblitiy of there lies). He/she said over text numerous times recently they would come back onto sl soon and thanked me for the support and patience im showing them. Anyway over the last 6 days they have stopped all contact again. Yes i held on because im a frikking idiot. Im very stupid. I will willing to keep this rship going on even tho i knew they were possibly a man. I fell in love with te person, not the gender.

They wre just so good at convincing me they loved me. They spent hundreds of dollars on calling me on my mobile. Just things they would do to show their love for me was mindblowing. I beleived in my heart and soul we were soulmates lol. I can say they genuinly loved me but geez they must be messed up. I know i need to move on now. Its frikking hard but i have to do it for my own sanity. Its so hard not to go on sl to see if they are there. This confused person also gave me the password to their sl account. So i know thy havent been online. Anyway this has made me very sick mentally and ive been seeing a therapist to sort throuhg this. When i met this person i had only been on sl for one month so i was easily fooled *sigh*

Do you think i should email them wth the information i have got so they know that im not as stupid as they think i am?

Depending on what the information is and how you obtained it, they could actually have you thrown out of SL for disclosure violations. Otherwise it depends on you. If you want closure now and wish to move on, perhaps just forgetting it is the best course, however hard it may seem. Your mental state is importatnt, but if the other person is having issues, it may be more trouble than it is worth. You have exchanged RL information, that could be turned against you by an unstable sort.

Let it die. Close the door and never open it or look back again. Nothing said or done now will change anything for the better for the both of you.

It is over. Let it stay over.

i preety much found the info in the phone book directorys and then by googling. All there to find. Yes i think i will let it lie. I dont want this person to be more stuffed up than they are.

Annousk I don't normally recommend this, but... I'd strongly consider taking a *major* break from Second Life, even other games, and the internet in general right now if you can.

For your sake and theirs.

Reasons: a) minimising the present pain, b) gaining perspectives, c) moving on, so you can ultimately be with someone who will *really* be there for you without the projection issues and the deception.

Don't worry about emailing them or... anything. You'll find your own closure, and here's a hint: the person in question is likely having their own crisis and yo~yo'ing back and forth like crazy right now. Unless you have an infinite well of emotional energy and patience, and a bulletproof soul... just let that runaway train wreck itself rather than run over you a few times on the way to its ultimate fate. Get off the tracks.

Some people suggest quitting cold turkey or whatever; I don't know, I'm no psychologist. Maybe a note to them saying you are stepping way back to heal would give you tons of closure... but here is the tough news: the person you thought you loved doesn't physically exist; they only exist in the sort of way that Captain Kirk or Sherlock Holmes exists. As a character made up by a storytelling individual.

I think talking to a professional therapist like you are is a *very* good idea, very wise and shows a lot of good sense.

Your only flaw was to be too trusting, and dare to love with an open heart... and as flaws go, those are good ones to have. Whatever you suffer now, it means that when you do find the right partner you will be able to let go of the baggage; love, trust and be happy.

Best of luck, and I hope you take off from SL for a year or two. SL relationships are 99% chance a minefield of pain, plus, there's no real hugging or touching and most humans need that. Scram outta here, heal up, meet someone in RL and come back to tell us your incredible success story someday.

When you do, all of this will seem so distant and small, a vignette trapped between the borders of the computer screen for the most part. Here's another idea for you ~ can you get a new free cellular on your contract? Yet another way to distance yourself from the painful world of early 2009 and move forward.

Best of luck,

Des

I remember when speaking on the phone to her i thought her voice was slightly masculine.I almost thought she could possibly be male to female Transgender. I didnt bring it up with her bc i thought that is her business. If she wants to tell me then she can. But now i know the truth. It is extremely hurtful to be lied to. However it sounds crasy that i still love the person that she presented to me. Even though i know the truth.

Im sorry you had this hurt in your life. I am a female and I do have a deeper voice. I wouldnt go as far as a relationship with lies. You cant always go by voice. I get asked why I am a female avatar all the time when they hear me in voice. It hurts sometimes so i usually dont voice all that much only to my close friends and bf. I am smoker and work around chemicals so my voice has gone to the deeper side. Not my fault! But us gals with a deeper voice do get hurt by most that acuse us of impersonating. I hope you get over this hurt.

Hey Keltlee

Thats why i never wanted to ask about her voice...just in case i would offend her. So i kept my mouth shut. Ive got a fairly husky voice myself which is good for singing the blues with. But you can still tell im female

Yes i can imagine that this person is probably going thru an emotional rollercoaster atm. I feel sorry for them in a way. I think the above posters idea was a good one. I will send a email just to say im stepping away now for my own sanity.

It really does hurt and i hate what i have aloud this to do to me but i will hang in there. This has been just over a month now of emotonally rollercoasater for me and my heart and mind are finally feeling the need to let go. Whoever this person is i did care for them.

+1. All you're going to accomplish by doing otherwise is just extending the pain for yourself.

You can console yourself with the fact that, even if she'd turned out to be a real woman rather than a man, she might still have looked nothing like her avatar!

Seriously, my advice is just to move on. SL is a place to be free, not entangled!

Also, if you do indulge in dating and romance in SL, it's best that both parties accept that it's a relationship between avatars and no more. Only move it into RL if you are both prepared to reveal details and go on an RL social networking site for a webcam chat!!!

It just occurred to me - if your 'friend' had a sudden change in behaviour, could it be that there's a different RL using the account - it might have been a woman to start with, but if she left the 'remember my password' thing checked on the login, her husband could log in and use the same av (against TOS, but possible nonetheless).