Love in SL?

Hi

Same here, Its not effecting my RL relationship much, I think. Bit more time in SL then before and this little bit of feeling guilty for cheating. Also during the week we do not spend much time togehter anyway (RL) it's more the week ends.

I go out with my wife every Saturday night in a nice quality restaurant, clubbing like jazz clubs (we are in the fortunate position to be able to afford a quality lifestyle) and we enjoy a pretty good sex live (also on week ends), and we do comunicate well and often (also on week ends). None of that changed. Lust during the week I am up longer in front of the screen but not only for Ginny, this has to do with work on a in-world business project.

Maybe she is right (Ginny) to keep it strictly in-world. Funny enough it was her who said earlier in our relation that it's difficult to separete RL from SL . Now she is the one who want's that 'security distance'.

Yes, see you in Breezes ?

Wolfie

By the way, Welcome to the Club.

Wolfie

Monk, if I may make a comment here please? This quote worries me. Seeing past the humour , two things are of concern.
Her partner doesn't know? I think if there's one thing I've learned through my experience, it is honesty is vital. I've know RL relationships crash on this one topic alone. I don't know what state her RL relationship is in but if she isn't honest with him in RL I wonder what future there is in SL. If she can so readily cheat on him, can you be so sure that ruining your RL relationship will be an improvement?
The second point is your implied power she has over him. Are you both merely her play things?
Sorry for puting a downer on what must (and I do sympathise - it is intoxicating) seem a revelation, but in the cold light of day, it is RL we have to live with.

I totally agree, bilbo. I've seen a relationship crash and burn because of a dishonesty about an SL relationship. It does happen....My case is different since my SL bf is also my RL bf, but we're totally honest to eachother, since that is the pure foundation for a good relationship. Just my $L...

Mandy C

Believe me, Bilbo, I understand your points and they've occured to me as well. Good to hear it from someone else, though.

Funny thing is, I came here to gain experience for a story I'm working on, and ended up being a character myself.

P.K. Dick probably would have loved this stuff. It's Perky Pat all over again, but everyone's Pat in this version.

I can only agree with Bilbo. Honesty is key. A pity there not many honest people left in this world, let alone in the SL-world where everyone can hide (admitted or not) behind an anonymous avatar and play make-believe...

Do I sound bitter? Naaah, I'm not. But after what they've done to me, I think I should be. It would probably save me from a lot of heartbreak in the future.

(un)fortunately, I'm a positive person.

Its not about power over him , its about nobody has the right to restrict somebody else using force or emotional power just because you are in a relationship. He simply has no right whatsoever to allow/approve/restrict her usage of a computer or access to SL. She would be 100% right to do what was suggested. I find it sad when somebody is in a relation where one tells the other what he is allowed or not.

It's just not on.

Wolfie

I too sympathise with you, Wolfie. And I hope that you and her are truly happy in SL. But what's your view on the "cheating" part? Do you consider it cheating on your RL partner or not? Just curious...

Mandy C

I don't know maybe I am strange but there certain things I believe in I guess.
I am a adult, in relationships with adults. I don't tell what other adults what to do and I expect them to do the same. A sexual relationship or commitment doesn't equal sexual ownership of the other persons sexuality or even personal behavior and pursuits..
I never have understood that aspect of romantic, sexual relations that people believe they own someone's sexuality, behavior or even personal time once they are in commited relationship.
Yet I don't get why a woman would willing marry and agree to obey her husband either.

Signed

Wolfie

So true, if a guy should even try to control me he's in for trouble..lots of it. I believe in equality in a relationship..if it's not there....no relationship.

Mandy C

The thing is when I was reading the above about being restricted and not allowed to do something it reminded me of how when I was kid either parents wouldn't allow them to do something or they said there Mom or Dad said they had to do X and not spend time with so and so any more as excuse. I have even been in room where the children were discussing with their parents well you can just tell so and so you can't spend time with them because your Mother told them so if you want to get out of dealing with so and so for some reason.
Some adults do agree on some level be it consensually or unknowningly give up everything including their sexuality and how they manage things on daily basis and they have that right but it does seem like its great way to pass the buck.
Every relatinship I begin I was always tell them I don't believe I can own you because I love or find you sexually attractive nor will I dictate to you how you should be sexually or personally but I hope whatever you choose to do it would be not harmful to me or the relationship i.e unsafe sex with others, , being emotionally controlling or abusive,etc.

Weeeelll...

I've seen lots of situations where the person said their SO was restricting access or removing the program, only to find out that person has simply created a new alt and wants others to believe they are someone else.

Not saying that's what happened here of course, but the fact is, you can't ever know if that's really what happened. Maybe she just wanted out and didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Yes, and the Mars and Venus theory applies as well...Men can approach the SL relationship differently than Women. And vice a versa... You need to make sure you are both on the same page. Whatever that page may be......

TALK TO HER ABOUT IT! You never know anything until you ask or share. IF you are nervous point her in the direction of this thread

Wolfie, I wasn't really pointing to the power he has over her if in fact that is the case.
Please see it this way; if you found your wife was cheating on you through the convenient anonymity of Second Life or similar, wouldn't you feel threatened by that medium and therefore wish to remove it?
If she doesn't see it as cheating on him then perhaps her RL relationship is already lost.

This is all hypothetical and I don't really want to be drawn into it any deeper.

I've probably only read a little over half of what's on this thread, but I have a very obscure take on relationships online in general.

I met my RL husband online in a MMORPG... we didnt fall in love with eachother online, we became friends online, and the rest happened later after we met. Sure there was a bond there but the love part didnt come from seeing the avatars and in game interaction.

I have fallen in love on line, so to speak... but I can assure you it wasnt love, it was an emotional attachment to something that I believed was real but was truly as virtual as it could be. It is very easy to think that you've met someone who is beyond your wildest dreams more intriguing and amazing than anyone you've ever known... but I dont care who you are, you cannot truly know someone based on the limited interaction you have in the virtual world.

Sure, I know its possible for relationships to begin online and work out... but it is just as easy to be decieved and ruin your life wanting something that really doesnt exist the way you think it will. There are countless people who have either themselves found great love online that has ended up being good in the end... but there are far more people who have been burnt, hurt, and have ultimately lost more than they bargained for in the long run because of what they've believed to be possible.

I almost lost my husband because of a relationship I had online with a man who I thought was just the most amazing person in the world. He was there for me, he listened to me, he seemed like he cared for me, and he truly seemed to love me to a capacity that no one had ever been able to love me before... I was wrong... but it seemed so very real. I ended up meeting this man IRL, my husband and I separated, and for about a week it still seemed like my "dream man" was a "dream catch" but oh man it was short lived... he was discusting, immature, selfish, annoying, and the more I learned about him the more I was discusted with myself for even thinking that there was something better than what I already had.

Thank God, despite all of it, my husband and I have worked things out... I've learned my lesson, my husband realized that he needed to step up and be there so I wouldnt feel I need to lean on anyone else when I wanted a friend.

I've learned that it is far too easy to become emotionally involved with someone online... especially when you're upset, lonely, hurting, etc... and that it's better for me to have boundaries as far as what I talk about to individuals, who I bitch and whine to, and who I tell my deepest secrets to Sure its nice to have people who understand and care... but I would much rather have those who are already real to me take that on, than people who you think are listening but really may not be at all.

Sometimes all it takes is for someone other than the person in your life who "SHOULD" say "how was your day?" to make you think you have found someone who cares more... but it's not always the case.

Even happy couples who both interact in relationships in SL (for fun) have problems arise from it... people get in too deep, too personal, and it becomes too real.

So, my feelings are this... if you're in a good relationship IRL dont do anything to mess that up, because if you do and you arent as lucky as me... you'll kick yourself in the ass later and wonder wtf you were thinking... if you're in a bad relationship IRL... get out of it and THEN go looking for love... make sure that you're letting go because you want to before you start getting involved with someone else... then if it doesnt work out, you have been fair to yourself as well as your partners. (But if you dump your wife so you can find a goddess in SL who might be your new queen, I think you're pretty stupid)

It is far to easy to be something you're not when you're behind a computer... or even when you're on the phone... it is far too easy to hide the bad things about you... and ultimately it is a game to a lot of people who dont care what damage they do to other's lives, and only care about their temporary satisfactions that they're getting from their "online pals".


Dont take the risk, unless you have nothing to lose.

Edit: Also, if you're getting "emotionally" involved with someone who is in a RL marriage or relationship, be wary... if you have no respect for other people's relationships, that's you... but from my perspective all too often you're going to end up finding a woman/man who is so emotionally unstable that not only will you not know who they really are... but they dont know either.

Just curious so what constitutes cheating and why is it threatening to cheat to you?
Being emotionally or intimate with anyone else other then person who is assigned to that role i.e husband, wife, Significant Other?
Thinking about someone else in romantic or sexual way?
I am just curious because I really don't understand this. The whole so and so is cheating, I own you type of relationship.
My rl partner has option to be with others, I don't have that controll over his life but this is something we decided.
Now if he became very intimate and close with someone else, spent less and less time with me yes I would miss him but I would figure the relationship changed, not that he was cheating on me personally.

What I've learned about cheating is this:

You might think you know what the 'rules' are. You might think you know what your partner's 'rules' are. It won't matter, logic has no bearing on it and it comes down to whether or not you or your partner FEELS betrayed or betraying.

Because if that feeling comes up, and it can't be resolved emotionally, there's no arguing it away with definition, tradition, or wishful thinking.

One mistake a person should never, ever make, is to tell their partner to stop feeling a certain way because 'it makes no sense.' They will feel what they will feel, and so will you. The trick is in deciding what to do about it when it happens.

And that is a highly individual process.

I have open relationship, but its bit untraditional in rl but I have always been this way.
I often get bit upset because when problems do come up and bring something up I am the one who is being told I am imagining things. LOL Weird thing is he gets sort of possesive when I am interested or spending more time doing anything other then being with him even SL and I am not having sex, just learning, creating and hanging out with friends. Yet he has girlfriend, I don't know when he sees her but I guess he sees her when he isn't hanging out with me. LOL So I guess it doesn't matter if you have untraditional relationship or not things still come up sometimes. I am actually wish he get another lover because sometimes I need bit more alone time. It doesn't mean I don't care or love him just uncomfortable having people breathing down my neck wanting my constant attention all the time or being the one solely responsible for someone else's happiness.

Agreed



FD, hi!

In the context I was refering to cheating (if it was my use of it you are questioning) I was talking of the legal contract of monogamous marriage. Open relationships have their own 'arrangements' and I am not preaching one way or another. I was merely making observations. I'm really out of my depth here (as my fiancee would testify!!) but I would just like to point out two major reasons for marriages breaking up:

One, the love fades. Just between the partners, they or worse, just the one, realises they no longer desire the partnership. This is sad but I hope is more common the cause than,

Two, one of the partners finds someone else. Someone for whatever reason they find livelier, more exciting, more desirable. This I think, is where SL really enters the Danger Zone and is very relevant to recent posts in this thread.

I hope this answers your questions FD but basically we're a competitive species aren't we? If we desired attention from another and someone else vies for that attention isn't it natural to feel affronted, angry, resentful? Monogamous relationships add another two; betrayed, cheated.

Absolutely so, bilbo! Although we're looking at avi's, the emotions are real and so are the ppl behind the keyboards. It's so easy to be swept off your feet by someone who uses the exact right words..(yes, it happened to me twice) Being 22 myself, my experience with love isn't that long...when I met my first sl bf I was completely blown away by him..he was a first class charmer and I didn't even knew ppl like that existed. I was sooo happy....until I found out he had about 4 other gf's. I managed to get their names, we met and decided to get even...so when he logged on and tp'd to my place, we were all there waiting....it was a classic night.

Since then I am very careful....but now my SL bf is also my RL bf so at least I can kick him in RL if he "steps out of line".

Mandy C

Up and down like a roller coaster

Yesterday we splitt (again). She all of a sudden feels too tight into something and needs more freedom. Has somebody got one these massive manuals entitled: "How to understand a woman"...?

I need version 2.0 including the chapter:"How a young woman thinks". The Chapter : "How to deal with them when grown up" I know by heart and practised a lot in the last 12 years of marriage.

Wolfie

I hope it works out meanwhile Wolfie maybe its time to do other things for distraction or fun?
Although I have definitely been in need of debugging device or some type of new improve software for my biocomputer due to uncomortable and confusion situation that has been affecting my moods and ablity to create or even enjoy my prims that I have been feeling in conflict with myself.