Love, heartbreak and SL addiction

Daros Jewell [wrote]
In fact, they can be downright ruthless. Sometimes when I go out shopping with Skell and we land in the middle of a busy place, I feel like I'm playing cutthroat poker with a brace of leering pirates, because some people don't care that you're partnered or that you have it spelled out that you're TAKEN (all caps! yes!) in your profile, they will still come right up to you in front of your SL spouse and hit on you or him. How wude! Hmpf!



Anisa[says]
Yes they are that desperate and Yes they are rude, as well as in RL too. : (
It's a turn on for them. Thinking they may be able to steal someone away,makes them feel special.


Elora Lunasea [wrote]
we are living together in RL but funny thing is, in SL nothing has changed for us. We still kind of do our own thing, go our own way and meet in the middle. Haven't partnered yet there, have loose plans to, but no hurry. Only difference is we can see each other across the living room as we "play" lol.

Anisa [says]
I love this, it's wonderful to have your honey in the same room isn't it. <3
Being partnered doesn't matter as much. And it keeps the wolves at bay. ; )

You have no idea, none of you really do, how all your kindess (even the harsh, brutal comment - you know who you are has helped me through my own, personal little nightmare.

The constant feeling of sickness has gone now, although I do still feel hurt, but having been able to just get the release of talking openly here has been such a moving experience. I'm really, genuinely touched - thank you so much.

Maybe this thread will help other people in the same situation in future, so at least some good will come from my mistakes.

X

Muffin, it will. When my last BF broke up with me, I posted on the forum also, dripping with heartache. As with you, many people came to me with their personal stories, heartfelt wishes and private messages. The people on this Forum are amazing and it helped me enormously, more than many of them will ever know.

This thread has really been vulnerable and beautiful and extraordinary. And it's a sure bet that there are even more people out there reading this and feeling it.

But please, please don't say it's dumb! As you have seen, we can all relate in some way to your experience, so if you are dumb we all are... and I don't believe that for a minute. (I understand that you didn't mean it that way, but words can have such power!)

(((hugs)))
Malia

Muffin,
I'm sorry. I hope you can accept my apology. Neither of my post addressed you or you heartache. I truly can sympathize for you and your pain.

Being married has not shielded me from having my heart broken. Hence the reference of the wolves.
I hate to say,but people can be fickle. Even ones you have known over half your life.


When you are in love and you get hurt, it’s like a cut... it will heal, but there will always be a scar. I Hope yours heals fast, and leaves a small scar.


{A quote}

“I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries”
Theodore Isaac Rubin

@Muffin Sideshow
emotions ARE real, no matter if its SL or RL
-> love is a kind of magic
-> love hurts, ...

Has anyone seen this video? (It was uploaded by the creator of it)

It is kind of humorous but also makes some good points....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZDRRDEvtPU

ETA: Here is another one just because it's cute and might cheer somebody up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ui8TIz0mEw&feature=related

Another cheer-up one. :0)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPTlkSC7x6A&feature=related

Malia,
You are so right. Some of the replies have been really moving and poetic. I had a real feeling of trepidation writing my first post, and to be really honest, I was scared the first time I checked to see if there were replies becasue I expected to be told I was a fool.

I feel really happy that people have responded and been so warm, and there is a real feeling of people caring about me (and each other of course), someone none of you will ever know, that it makes me feel warm and safe.

I hope that this thread continues for a while, and that people will still share their feelings.

All this has made SL something far more special than it was for me, and I hope that those people who write in their profiles that they can keep SL/RL separate, might think again about that. I never could, would or ever be able to. I understand why someone would want to, but it all really goes on in your mind, and there is no way to get away from your innermost thoughts...well not for me anyway. I hope that makes sense.

X

I think it's necessary to keep some sort of boundary, for one's own protection. That isn't to say that participating does not impact the emotions or imagination. Of course it does! But leaving oneself wide open is risky, in RL or in SL. Blurring the line between the two, to the extent one forgets to remind oneself 'they could be absolutely anyone' - becoming attached to the point of being hurt if anything happens, partly because there *is* no redress, is risking hurt in a real way.

There are many reasons someone could break up with their SL partner, not the least of which are, they were lying all along about gender, age, looks, personal details, etc., etc. It does happen...Knowing this can both (hopefully) assuage the pain from the 'what did I do wrong' type of torture and protect one in the future from becoming *too* attached - perhaps taking a break from the person for a bit, etc. - before at least meeting in person. That is, if the goal was to find someone in RL. Which is another topic of its own...As I said, "they could be absolutely anybody."

I've known of times it has worked out for people who met in SL, but I think that is rare. If one can, a certain amount of boundary structure/detachment is healthier. It's happened to a lot of people, and it is nothing to feel bad about - it is the nature of the beast, or the danger of it.

I know the saying, to love is to risk all, but then one has to really look hard at what is happening within the game. If you don't really even know, for sure, who you are talking to - is it love? (Even with a webcam - there could be a wifey in the next room.)

There's a reason they call it falling in love. And you can't fall up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naKX8b-4VPI

I definitely believe people can experience all the same emotions in an SL relationship as in a RL one, but it's fraught with the same and additional dangers, and anyone hoping to take it into RL, is starting from a shaky foundation, imo. The person could be exactly as portrayed or even better, or they could be someone completely different, or a total player/liar.

As Czari said, even in RL people can be fooled (i sure have been) it just seems riskier on more than one front, over the 'net.

I hope you come through this, and I think you will over time. The emotions you feel in Sl can be very real, if you let them, especially when you drop your safeguards. I'm of the keep the lives seperate mindset, it's essential for me in SL. The feelings and commitments of a relationship I reserve for RL only. I have that line, and it is blurred slightly, but there is always an undelying detachment when inworld. It's the only way I can approach SL.

Just reading several of the above statements. I don't have a partner in real (too busy) but I try and keep realistic expectations of my sl partner; we are aware we will never meet and we have a fairly open relationship in sl. Being single in real makes for a strange marriage/partnership in sl. I have ever really felt cut up about dumping a guy (or vice versa) for very long. My advice is buy yourself a gift when you are left high and dry. It cheers me up - it may do the same for you. Never let a man control your life in real or sl. The moment a guy starts telling me what HE wants me to do or what he intends for our relationship to lead to it's time for me to take off. A friend of mine recently told me that she was on her way to a symphony performance when her new husband told her she had to go with him and watch him practise hockey (This is sabsolutely true) She asked what I would do. Simple: Dump him. Dumping a guy in sl should be just as easy.

Knowing it was OK to do that would've saved me more than one bad relationship, which began much the same way.

I agree w/you that it is a mistaken idea that to love is to suffer - there may be some of that involved but it shouldn't be that way. And it may be an indication something's seriously amiss. Intense longing may not be ideal either, no matter what songs/movies tell us. Why should one person have the 'upper hand' on the other one? Even supposedly in true M/s relationships, the M wants what is truly best for the s, not their total abandonment of their self.

Nicely said Clarissa.

Thanks.

/me (male) wonders why this thread seems to have developed into a discussion by females of what jerks men can be, when the female OP's complaint was about her treatment by another female . . .

Pep (So *that's* what they talk about in the ladies room!)

I've had a lot of thought and advice from people about this, and I am still on an emotional rollercoaster I can't get off, which worries me a bit.

Someone said to me, the ONLY way to deal with SL is to play it as a game, to play your feelings, but turn them off when you log out. I could never, ever do that, and would never understand how to.

My need to keep going back, trying to find the emotional closeness I need, and of course don't have in RL, is starting to seriously worry me. I see my pattern of behaviour happening all over again, I see someone who's cute, whose profile is cool and intelligent, and I start flirting - trying to get back the feeling I had with the person I got so upset about.

I worry that SL has more control over me than is at all healthly. In RL I am a professional with a good job (this is the truth btw), but very, very high stress and I have little time to do anything but work.

I started to use SL as an escape, but I think it became much more than that, and the feeling I have of just wanting to be in world all the time, and not being able to talk to anyone about it, it's worrying.

Reading what I have just written, I can see that I am rambling, and what has happened to me is bad and unhealty. This isn't the place to pour all this stuff out, I know that. I don't know what else to say.

X

*hugs Muffin*

I don't know what I can add other than that. Hang in there. Things have a way of working themselves out if you let them.

Muffin, may I ask someone to contact you tonight? He's a good friend of mine, and he and I are actually working together on a project closely related to what you're going through. He is a psychologist in RL. I think he might be able to give you some ease.

I don't think this is a problem---on the contrary, I think you have identified the problem and now you can choose how to act. It's obvious by what you say that you have a need for a deep emotional relationship with another human being...a need you cannot ignore. That's great. Now you have to decide whether you can make the time to seek this in RL and commit to that goal, or if in the rare instance where that is just not possible, then you need to accept that SL relationships have their own cost. But either way you understand the problem, and now you can work to find the solution.

Congratulations! You are working your way through this, whether you see it right now or not...

/me hugs you!

Okay, so...

I *am* a nut, I *am* freaky, and I *am* weird. Generally, I'm the guy who people get involved with and make themselves all sorts of promises out of silences. It's not just me either - a couple of friends are in the same position. One had his business burned to the ground by someone he - rather unintentionally, or so he says - jilted.

For what it's worth:

1) recognise that you may be kidding yourself about the meaning of things that are said or even worse, not said

2) Look out for similarities in the people you hook up with. they are a sign of the same mistakes being made, just as much as a sign of you having consistent tastes.

3) The only important point about SL in all of this is, to some people it's just a game. For them they are PLAYING the role of a serial philanderer, or a b*tch, or whatever: they wouldn't normally be like it in dealing with "real people". You sound like you share one of my approaches here, which is to ignore the "game" tag. I can't think fast enough in another mindset to participate as I would wish - so I forget about the "game" folderol. At least, until some escort starts coming on to me. Then I sprout horns...

...but that's not important right now. Take all the nice emotional advice everyone else has given, and then add my cruel version on top: they're right, and so am I...

Agreed. If you decide that an SL relationship is what you want to do, you just have to stay aware of the pitfalls of online romance ingeneral. They are much different from RL from my limited experience, the most imporatnt being, until you meet face to face, you can never be 100% sure who or what the other person is. Some people need to know before continuing, and may want to carry over to RL, but some, like me keep all SL intractions limited to inworld only, and are not interested in what is behind the avatar. It's a choice you have to make, and neither is more right than the other.

I agree that you have a pretty good grasp of things, I think you will manage fine. Listen to the people here who have experience in the matter, and then make your decisions. Only you know what you want or need.

People say this all the time, but I don't get it. Seeing another person's face does not of its own give you any insight into them. It's only time that will do that. And time seems to be to be an endangered animal in SL, but it's the key, nonetheless.

Communication Face to Face = 70% body language + 20% tone (of voice) + 10% verbal content

Communication Online = 70% verbal content + 20% tone (of smilies, punctuation, presentation etc) + 10% speed of typing, apparent concentration etc

Pep (So which way is it easier to lie, dissemble, bluff . . . ?)