Love, heartbreak and SL addiction

Hi,
This isn't a question, it's just that I had some experiences in SL that have left me feeling pretty low, and thought that there might be someone in here to chat with. Yes, I know it's not a chat room, but if you're reading this, I guess you relate to the title.

I used to come to SL just to hang out and look around, in fact didn't even use it very much. Then I met someone, that I felt was like a real friend, and started to come more and more, until I found myself staying up half the night, and logging in several times a day. This was on top of all the emails and offline IM's. I realised I was totally addicted to this person, which is just completely out of chararcter to my RL self.

My friendship for this person had moved to something much deeper, and I thought they felt the same. We spent all our SL time together, and had what I thought was a really close connection.

Until one day, I found out that there was someone else involved. I can't even begin to describe how devasted I was to find this out. The pain of what I felt was a betrayal, has been agony. The fact that there is no way I can sit down with someone I cared so much about and talk to try and understand what happened, is one of the most painful things I have ever gone through. The detachment of typing in IM, is an awful way to try and deal with something like this.

I know it's my fault for letting myself take an online relationship too seriously, and I don't really think they meant to hurt me, but the pain is as real as any real life break up. The hardest part is, there is no one in my real life I can talk to about this. How could I even start to explain what went on to someone outside SL?

Has something like this ever happened to you? How did you get over it? I'm not a nut, or freaky or weird, I just can't believe the power of getting involved with someone online can have. I'm sure most people can just laugh it off, but it has affected my deeply, and I just hope that someone who has been through this would have some advice for me.

Thanks for reading my message.

Muffin, it happens daily to people. You do have someone that you can talk to, your minister and counselors are well trained in online relationships now. It's pretty widespread and any that are worth their grain of salt have knowledge that can help you get through it.

Some find that stepping away from the computer for awhile, a week, a month, a year, that it helps get your perspective back. Find something in your real life, a hobby, a craft, friends, that you have been putting off and get back to them. Enter your real life once again and it will all help put things in perspective.

You aren't weird, you just let sl and your online relationship get out of control. Take some time for you and find someone that you can talk to. Hugs and enjoy your first life once again!

Muff, you must get things in perspective. I know I come on a lot and yabber on and chat about my partner's funny ways etc, but I have experience in relationships in sl. Don't get controlled by someone (even on line this can happen) and don't let them place any guilt etc on your shoulders. Neither should YOU have any expectations. SL is not reality in some senses BUT in many ways it IS reality - we love and argue and bicker and feel here just as easily as in reality. So just like in reality, you must use your people-skills to judge others. Good luck Muff, and don't get disheartened. I know this sounds a bit silly, but wherever you are in the world - as soon as you reasonably can - take a good book and sit outside in the REAL sun. SL slowly evaporates in Real sunlight. Jig.

Ahh hon the best way to get over something like this, at least for me, would be to go put on my smexiest sl outfit and dance the night away. Flirt, hoooo and shake your pixel thang and before you know it, everything's better.

And then maybe learn to build. Find something that inspires you in this big old world and dig in.

i am very sorry. *hugs*

The ability to care deeply about someone doesn't make you any of these things.

(((hugs)))

See if you can find some good kickboxing animations!

I know that it's possible for SL relationships to become deep and when they end it can get upsetting. I've never been in such situations because I'm too breezy and free-spirited. But really, the only way out failed SL relationships is to put them behind you and move on.

/me puts my arms around you and holds you while you cry.

It will get better...

I think the feeling of involvement is as intense and real as a real life relationship in many ways because you have a visual representation of the person you love or care very deeply for right there in front of you. *With* you. You're cuddling on the couch, exploring fun places together, chatting while sipping coffee in a pavement cafe, and they're right there with you.

Online relationships have always blossomed, via email and chat programs, Skype and other mediums. But with SL you're adding a very real visual medium, and I think that has a massive impact on how much we actually feel about the other person.

Your story is painfully familiar to me, although the friendship I lost was not as intense as it sounds like yours was. I'm hoping that old saying that "Time heals all wounds" proves true. In the meantime, I'm following the path that milady advised, getting re-engaged in my first life. It works. I still have feelings of loss, loneliness, and embarrassment, but those are fading a little more each day. Hang in there & give yourself time to heal. You will be OK.

Many aspects of your story are painfully to me. I'm following the path that milady advised: getting re-engaged in my first life. It works. I still have some feelings of loss, loneliness, and embarrassment, but those are fading a little more each day. Hang in there & give yourself time to heal. You will be OK.

Many aspects of your story are painfully familiar to me. I'm following the path that milady advised: getting re-engaged in my first life. It works. I still have some feelings of loss, loneliness, and embarrassment, but those are fading a little more each day. Hang in there & give yourself time to heal. You will be OK.

Bless you Muffin, you're not alone. It's a haunting song and the sad lyrics resonate with many of us.

I know you feel devastated and badly betrayed, but you -will- find better, truer friends and the ache will pass.

*hug*

--
Aes

Hi Muffin and I am so very sorry to hear this.

I'm responding before I read anyone else's responses, so please overlook anything I might say that has already been said.

I am a very passionate person RL and who I am in SL is the same person, just navigating through the virtual world in an avatar, but all the emotions, etc. are the same. I have not had this heartache in SL...BUT...I have been part of online communities, primarily via IRC (Internet Relay Chat) - a text-based program - since the mid-80's.

Over the years I have had a number of online relationships - some were strictly online and others went to RL. All ended for one reason or another and more than once I was emotionally devastated, as you are now. The first person I fell for deeply online I discovered was a liar and master deceiver/manipulator. I was naive enough to think that, since I am open and honest online, that everyone is. It literally took me a good 7 years to fully get over him...and our relationship online wasn't even very long...just very intense.

(Edit to clarify: I wasn't in the "devastation" upset stage with this person for 7 years, but we were both involved in the same, relatively small circle of friends and I kept running into or hearing about him. I was in other relationships during that 7 years; it just took that much time to see him and shrug and not feel the least lil pang.)

Some people cannot understand the power of online relationships but, for me, online is simply another medium of meeting and interacting with others and my emotions are just as involved. The heartache comes when someone like me meets someone who is "just online" and doesn't consider the person behind the monitor. Neither is right or wrong, but that is a combination headed for heartache.

The only advice I can give is that if you feel drawn to someone in the future (and if you wish to open your heart again, trust me, someone else will come across your path), it is imperative to make sure you are both on the same page where online relationships are concerned. Talk about everything that would entail. Nothing is ever a guarantee, but that is the best way to start, imo.

Aww sweetheart, see, lots of us have been exactly where you are right now and it does get better I assure you.

The way I dealt with it was to take a complete break from SL (about 3 months) and get my head back into my RL, go from there and see if it feels any better returning after a break.

I don't really know what else to suggest, but I do know that surrounding yourself with your friends is also another good way to come to terms with it, even if it is just for a good old bitch lol

If you need to talk you can always IM me, I am in the UK timezone

Take some time off, away from SL.
Come back when you feel like it and remember what else you enjoyed about being inworld.
It's not easy!
So many easy reminders that can make you down when you spent so much time with some one doing everything together.
Not every one is a poseballing fool, some of us really like the peoples we communicate with.
You can always feel that twinge for the other person, but it does hurt less over time.

If they have moved on, don't let their SL become your SL.

*edit* 1 of the best read quotes in SL "There is no rewind."

Just naive.

Pep (That isn't an insult, just an observation, in common with lots of others here)

I got to add my thoughts on this:

Online relationships are just that. Online.

While its nice to chat with someone and see if there might be some "chemistry", the real proof is meeting them in RL.

I have many online friends, online "loves", but till I see them in person, they are just "people online"

Take heart in knowing that there is someone for everyone. Its just a matter of time. A True Love doesnt care about your age, occupation, or situation. They love you for YOU. Nothing more.

I avoided romance and sexual parts of SL because its too easy to get deceived
and see things falsely.
But I have had my moments and I have had close friendships that I am
really close too that I hurt over and feel pain over.
I even had few sexual romps where the expectations and needs got bit
too overwhelming.
I just tend to keep myself for this reason.
There are some of us who lead real lives that are bit isolated and it is
way too easy to get too attached, too easy to get caught up in fantasy,
too feel closer without all the hassles that go a long with first life relationships.
I am not saying those with fulfilling, busy and loving relationships in their
first lives don't get attached to people here but I think you're able to even
sexual romps on more fun, casual level when you're already getting what
you need in your first life.
I encourage you to find things that enjoy here casually not take things too
seriously, it just whole lot easier in long run and if you can focus on
the things you want in your first life that are missing in first life and keep
Second Life a fantasy or casual place to create and socialize if you can.
Either place be it first life or Second life if you get hurt or disappointed in
love, romantic or friendship its going to hurt depending on how many
expectations or dependency you have to the situation.

Yes something like this has happened to me. I never got over it, i cried for months but time just passed and made it less painful.

The best thing i did was keep going - i evolved my SL, changed things up, changed my circle of friends and met new people.

Just do not let it jade you. Your experience with that person happens in RL all the time, not just SL. I do not consider people i meet here as just "online people", and neither should you. Be yourself, be open, be honest, be wiser and be positive.

Wow, do I know this one... I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that I think that sl attracts people who aren't interested in what we usually think of as emotional responsibility. Virtual spaces apply few social pressures to make people behave - the results can be disastrous for people who form strong and real emotional bonds. Bear in mind as you go, that a lot of these folks have been around and practicing this art ever since the days of the MUDS. Glib, charismatic, experienced, and opportunistic in the service of their own needs.

Very dangerous, and a very unexpected hazard for the inexperienced. It's always interesting to see how they behave when confronted. A bit of bluster usually, followed by swift disappearance. I've known several who have simply recreated themselves and left people in tears, behind.

take everything with a grain of salt (or how ever that saying goes) untill you have a relationship in rl

happend once when i was 17 over irc but with the abouve frase so didn`t bother me (tho she was damn *cough* cute) and never botherd again after (hell would prolly have to freeze over for this to happen again))

alot of people are not who they say they are and internet annonimity/behavior is like a deamon in a box, keep that in mind

Been there, done that, have the fractured heart.

Accept that it's over...it's hard, but do it. Remove from buddy list in SL, remove from any chat programs, and set email to discard as spam.

After a couple of months *sigh*....sit in the shower and cry until your heart feels like it's going to burst....and then cry some more. Get out of the shower, dry off....and don't look back.

Time does heal...and you will survive. If you need some poses to help you grieve, let me know, I can help you out.

1 user agreed.

your story (not you personaly) and the way you described it. Is the exact reason I persuaded my husband to distance himself from one of his SL friendships. He has been a citizen for a few years and has a female friend who was helpful to him in setting up his business. He in turn helped with her's. He often told me she would pester him to hang out or explore, sometimes he would to be nice. When in reality he really just wanted to work on his projects. I never had a problem with their friendship, untill I finaly found the time to join, and she fliped out.
She knew he is married (with a child) and she is also married.
With in a matter of weeks she sent him several sarcastic and b1tchy IM's about me, a person she did not even know. She even banned me from her property. I tried to become friend with her, but it was short lived. After two weeks she unfriended me and I haven't heard from her since. Which was a little dissapointing because I just assumed she would want to be friends with me too.
She still tries to keep in touch with him, He doesn't respond often. He is still somewhat taken a back by her actions.
Like I said, I never had a problem with them being friends. And if she got hurt, she did it to herself. If she felt the same for my husband as you felt for your friend ( And I'm positive she did ) She has no one to blame but herself.
In retrospect, I should have known better then to let him have any close female friends on SL. I have been with him since I was 15, married at 18. I am 39 now. I know how some wemon can be. I have experienced the same thing in RL with him. He is nice and very charming a true gentelman then add the fact that he's married. It makes him irresistible to some wemon, even online I guess.

Sorry , I'm sure this was not much help to you. But I have to admit that I feel better for getting it all out.

This is an alt account btw