Lies, Deception and Evilness

A friend of mine has had a relationship with someone in game, for quite awhile. And as you all know, SL time is so different than RL time, so a month can be like 6 months. Anyway, it was enough time for her to fall in "virtual love" with this person. Talk on the phone, send gifts, chocolates..i mean really REALLY got involved, in rl as well as SL. Well, I hadnt heard this person talk on voice yet in Sl..as im always working, I dont hang out much. Well, last night I did hear them talk. And I knew something wasnt quite right. So I hinted around, about things until they finally told me that they were really a woman in rl. My stomach dropped, as well as my jaw. I mean the voice changer worked a little, but I could still tell there was something not quite right about the voice.
Anyway, I told my friend today, she better ask her BF about something, and told her that who she was dating wasnt really WHO she was dating, and left it at that. I hate being a blabbermouth, but this was just too much for me. My friend and I are straight, and to me that was total deception. What I want to know, is has this happened to any of you? Or would you admit it? Fallen for someone who is actually the same fair sex!!!! And what makes people DO THIS? To me its lies, deception and evil!!!!! Sorry, just had to rant, Im feeling pretty sad for my friend right now.

Love in SL is just asking for problems... I'll leave it at that.

yea sure, love ANYWHERE is asking for problems, IMO..but maybe im niave and tend to believe too much in people..yea, dont try to sell me the golden gate bridge..lol

I'm not quite that jaded yet about love anywhere but I'll broaden my statement to say that relationships in SL are asking for problems at least close person to person relationships.

I feel sad for you friend too that the online person she cared about couldn't become a rl relationship for her as she envisioned and/or possibly hoped for.

I mean we all do have to admit that SL is set up for relationships ala all the weddings and partnering, along with romance, kissing, sex and just about everywhere one turns in SL, sex or a message about "bring your loved one" as an invite comes along. Most people I've met seem partnered on SL so it's a kind of right in your face kind of thing.

I think SL needs more places for singles just to mingle who want to be friends only, no partnering necessary.

Just know that her heart will mend in time just like rl and that online romances rarely turn into rl romances.

Sorry for your friend, don't know much what to say to make her feel better right now. Keep in touch constantly and have as many friends of hers keep in touch. She needs some cuddles now.

actually, she told me she is going to buy a bottle of vodka and drink it all..lol..and wash her mouth out with soap

Unfortunately it does hurt as much here as it does in RL. What I find surprising is that with the ability to be anything, or any gender or any species there is still actually a good chance at RL romance here. In 3 years and being a person who does not make many friends in world, I still know 2 separate couples who have married in RL and 2 other sets of couple who lived together for awhile in RL because of SL.
CNN just had an article today about people who have married because of SL today.:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/12/12/second.life.relationship.irpt/index.html

Dont get me wrong, I have no problem with a person's gender preference, I just am not gay. Although I have lots of gay friends, and doesnt bother me in the least. I just dont like tacos, thats all.

Many straight men the world over just rejoiced, Yummy.

I think the incident you describe wasn't intended as lies and deception, just something that happened before the boyfriend knew how to stop it or before he/she realized the consequences.

It is hard to draw the line on what is deception, what is role play, and what is just wishful thinking. Does your friend look just like her avatar? I doubt it. I am quite a bit older in real life than my avatar. Though my hair is still blond it is mixed with silver now, and though I am not overweight, I never had the great complexion or muscle definition of my avatar who looks maybe 30 - or sometimes like a beagle puppy.

As I am even more a recluse in SL than in RL, no one has been at risk because of these little deceptions. I wonder if I would have the willpower to stop it if anything ever did blossom. I think so - I come to SL to escape the drama of real life, but human nature craves relationships and nothing gives one more a sense of well being than a blossoming love affair.

Be mindful of others out there, folks.

It's not so much that a woman wanted to be with another woman, or that they wanted to do that as a male... this IS SL after all. It's that they weren't up front about it from the start. There's plenty of women in SL that wouldn't really care if their partner is of the same RL gender, so there's no excuse for hiding the truth. The whole "different RL gender" thing wouldn't even be an issue if people were honest and didn't try to deceive others about it. I can understand why someone would want to experience what it's like playing for the other team, but taking that into ANY kind of personal interaction without owning up to it is flat out wrong.

OMG!!!!! I hope you haven't done anything drastic to yourself over this!

I hope your friend had "the talk" before she reads the forum.

OMG! I LOVE Tuna Tacos!!!


And yes, I dont mean the crunchy ones with beef & cheese.

I've said it so many times, you CAN'T know someone on line, you just can't. Until you meet someone for real, it's a really bad idea to allow yourself to have RL feelings. If you have no intention of anything other than pixel relations, then fine, but otherwise keep your emotions in check.

I'm sorry this happened to your friend, if it was me, I'd feel sick to my stomach, I am totally straight!

I have seen far more relationship disasters in SL then I have success stories...but I have definitely met couples who sprung from SL. I am a loner too....I have few friends in SL...but they are dear friends.

A while back a met a male AV as a result of my flickr work. He loved my photos and made it point to contact me....we became friends. (I don't do SL romance by the way, I am quite happy and in love IRL)....anyway....during the course of our friendship I learned he was a 'she'. Ok...no big deal..I really could care less....he/she was funny and intelligent and a cool cat as far as I was concerned. But....he/she did tell me that his partner in SL did NOT know he was female. I thought that was shitty....but I didn't get involved as we really didn't hang out much in world anyway.

Over the course of a few months we did end up talking on the phone...again I truly enjoyed her banter and she was honest with me about her RL relationship with another woman...she had the same angst as any of us IRL....the same fears...the same passions. In SL she chose to be a man because she simply felt more comfortable playing a masculine role. She didn't really get into all the girly stuff. Again...no big deal.....I appreciated her honesty with me.....and I didn't concern myself with her other activities in SL.

But.....out of the blue one day I get this notecard from her male AV........basically stating that she 'fell' for me IRL and couldn't have anything more to do with me. Huh? I was totally dumbfounded.... I assumed maybe she had a crush....but I also assumed that being a mature adult...and knowing I was in a happy relationship myself.....she could be realistic about it. Apparently not....she just completely axed me as a friend....took me off her contacts in SL and in flickr. Ya know what my response was.....

Oh frigging well. I don't need someone elses drama.... clearly this woman was a wee bit troubled and I simply do NOT invest enough of myself emotionally to get involved with people like that. I still care for her as a human being...i still think she is one of the funniest most interesting people I've ever met.....and one day not too long ago she sent me a quick IM of apology....but that was it. I didn't pursue the matter....and have not heard from her since.

People play a lot of head games in SL....and i think sometimes they (we) forget that we're dealing with real human beings...... but naivete is not one of my weakenesses.... I don't have the time for games....I don't play them and I don't present myself as anything other then me. By the same token....I don't expect everyone I come in contact with to have the same attitude...or integrity...I take each with a grain of salt....and let the genuine friends rise to the top like cream....by standing the test of time.

I am truly sorry for your friend. But I think in situations like this....one has to take a long hard look inside and determine what it is that is missing IRL.....that allows us to become so absorbed in the virtual that we fail to see the signs of the 'reality' behind it all. tell your friend to have herself a good cry.....a couple shots of vodka...and then promptly forgive herself and have a good laugh and move on. Life's too short to dwell on the crap.

ROFL..wasnt me..im single..and i stay that way..lol

Nah, she never reads the forums..lol

I couldn't have put it better myself, I have always thought there has to be something lacking in a persons RL to allow themselves to get that involved online.

Like you, I have a RL partner and more love than I could ask for, I guess not everyone is as lucky as we are..........I dunno, I still can't really understand the falling in love on line crap.

It's not just gender, but there's also age, marital status and tons of other things that can be deliberately withheld too.

If a young girl starts wanting to hang out with me then I always mention my age just to make sure she's not thinking I'm some 20 year old dude.

And that works to your advantage too. I couldn't imagine having a relationship with someone who doesn't understand my cultural references. "Great song, but I liked side two of that album better . . ."

This all goes to show that many people may want to leave First Life at the door when they enter Second Life.

There's a first life person behind every avatar we meet. If people really want to leave first life behind then there's always roleplaying games or single player games.

Deception isn't cool. Thing is, 'real life' is no cure for it either.

So you might think you can tell gender, age, other things at a glance. Can you really?

The level of caution required online doesn't lessen offline.

I've known of a case where a guy had HPV (real life story) and his ex girlfriend got cervical cancer not too many years later. Did he tell future partners about HPV? Nope.

Another situation: mental illness running in the family. Imagine marrying, then discovering that was on the way within a few short years.

* * * * *

It seems that every time a straight person falls for their own gender online, they have essentially proven to themselves that yes, they can romantically love their own gender - right up to the limits of physical desire.

Deception is wrong, there may be someone to blame but the fact remains: the feelings did exist both ways. Should the straight person truly despise the situation, or simply learn from it?

Perhaps it's easier for me to say as I've never been there. Yet there are many things about ourselves we'll never know due to modern social standards.

Take death, for instance. Some cultures bury bodies, some cremate them, some feast on relative's remains or scatter bits to the birds. Who are we, to pass judgment? Who would we be, if born into a different society or time?

that brings new meaning to the saying, "you are what you eat"

In general, yes.