"Making Love" in SL...

Let's face it: sex (as in the actions, poseballs, etc) in SL is a joke. You don't feel anything (well, unless... no, not going there). Sex is about touch, sensation, and neurotransmitters.

But what can be very real is relationships, dynamics, and feelings.

The question is, what is cheating? For a male, it's probably a physical act first and foremost. For a female, it's probably whether there is an emotional connection equally as a physical act.

So it's very possible to cheat in SL. But not just in SL. You can cheat in chat rooms, on on forum, or whatever, by forming that *special* connection with another.

In many ways, the trap is more devious online. We are conditioned pretty well all our lives to recognize it in RL. But online? It's a fairly new paradigm. It's harder to recognize what could be happening to you until it's already happened. It's too easy to dismiss as not really cheating since there's no physical aspect.

I think this thread is great. Let it be a reality check and warning to all.

Conversely, "sex" in SL can be marriage saving. For example, a kink which isn't shareable between RL spouses (such as dominance and submission) may be satisfied in SL without much harm. If the urge is great with one spouse, the options are limited: live in misery, cheat in RL, open the marriage, or scratch it in SL. Which works for you is best decided by you. What usually doesn't work is trying to ignore the kinky needs. That leads to turmoil within the marriage. Believe me. So even though I opened with a snarky comment about sex in SL, it seems to me that it can have it's place.

Love.

If you do there, Sex in SL becomes a lot more fun.

Indeed!



This is also very true. Kink is a part of sexual orientation, in my view -- it's the "what" part as opposed to the "who" part, even though generally people are more concerned with the "who" part when they talk about sexual orientation. If one party to a marriage is kinked and the other is not, it's ... well it's *very* bad .. and telling people to "suck it up and be normal" just doesn't really work.

The distinction between it being about "who" versus "what" is a very important one, and I'm glad that you pointed it out. But I still think care must be taken. The "what" can easily turn into a "who".

Love.

Lol, very true. It's best when the "what" and the "who" coincide! Hard to find sometimes, but possible.

Now you're starting to understand!

I checked my original posting carefully, and perhaps my choice of words wasn't clear. I don't think I indicated my marital status or that of my partner anywhere. Of course that status is relevant, but the fact that family issues intruded on our SL partnership doesn't mean that either of us was cheating on an RL spouse - I get the impression that the inference was drawn by several of the responders. We might both be divorced women, or women living at home with families of origin. Or single women living in different countries. The reasons for not mentioning our respective situations is obvious, but the inferences drawn seem interestingly specific. Yes, there were moral issues involved - they did not necessarily involve "adultery".

Nor was I trying to imply superiority. I was trying to describe a genuine and valuable emotional experience - one that gave us both unexpected and tremendous joy. I offer my apologies to anyone who felt insulted by my poor skill at expressing what I meant, and to anyone who took offense at the placement of my posting in the forum which seemed the most actively read.

I'd like to respond to one point that was made in particular, about "taking RL marriage seriously". I think both my former partner and I are completely agreed that RL marriage is of the utmost importance. Just being clear.

The relationship I described was wonderfully close, genuine, and truly affectionate. There was indeed a lot of humor in it, and the sexual aspect was not the driving force that drew us together. We were two people of similar temperament who found, quite unexpectedly, a source of real joy and solace.

I'd like to thank the thoughtful people who took the time to answer with less quick judgment, and more insight. You responded in similar spirit to that which formed the partnership I've recently lost.

or maybe the op wanted to present a flip sided view to the hundreds of threads regarding the validity of SL Relationships, and those who look down thier noses at it. we tend to forget that we have no clue what is going on, in those that wish to indulge themselves in a virtual relationship, lives at the time. yes in this format our virtual selves are nothing more than pixels on a screen, real people control them. the op did not glorify cheating. nor did she say she was in a rl relationship. yet many here assumed that she and her partner were cheating on thier rl partners. perhaps if many who post here would stop projecting THEIR rl issues, woes, and personal heartaches onto others, these boards would probably be better off.

yet you and many here took the time to answer it. i'm beginning to see why the general forums were lost. instead of passing it up and letting it fade into archival obscurity, many here posted, or to use your word, took the time to"trash" the op, simply because the wording was not to your liking. yes it is a Q&A section, yet i recall many threads started by many of those "trashing" the op, not being questions either.

Let me pose some questions to you.

have you ever gotten close enough to someone in sl that you finished eachothers sentences? im not talking about being in sync and thinking along the same lines. i mean saying or doing random things at the same time and you both look at eachother and say "what was that?" Does it happen all the time?

Do you know what someone is doing in rl without being told or without having clues? Do you get flashes in your mind of them sitting in front of their keyboards when they are typing to you?

Do you ever sense feelings or emotions when speaking to someone in sl without having any thoughts to provoke those specific feelings? a sense of dread, anger, lightheartedness, passion . . arousal? not your feelings but those of the person you are speaking with?

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night, roll over and look at the clock. Then the next day ask your partner in sl what they were doing at that specific time. Does your partner say things like "yah i was sleeping but the phone rang at that exact time and woke me up . ."

Do you ever feel someone touching you in rl when you are all alone? or sense someone around you? Physically feel it. I will spare you and keep the rest of that question pg

Do you remember your dreams in rl? anyone specific from sl in these dreams? how lucid were you? How often does this person from sl appear?

im asking these questions because if what im saying here sounds very foriegn or strange to you then the chances are really high that you arent aware of many things that are taking place in sl. you are sleepwalking in a beautiful garden you may have created but you can never play in. And thats too bad. Because sl is a magical place in a very real sense. And no amount of laughing or mockery is going to change that truth. i dont want to come off acting superior because i swear to you i dont feel that way. What i will suggest is this: Sl can only be for you what you allow it to be. How you connect in this world depends completely on your ability to make connections.

Thank you, I've read many of these threads on relationships and nobody's ever managed before to explain it the way I feel it. Your questions are all things I've experienced, and I know others who have experienced similar things.

It's not about being "superior", for some people RL is all that matters and SL is no more than a game, others have feelings for people in SL but not to the extent they do in RL, and some of us can feel as much for someone in SL as we ever have in RL. There isn't a right way, just whatever way works for you.

I aint gonna be "connecting" with anybody until I've seen their crotch on the webcam.

Eveline Nixdorf thank you for sharing. I liked to read it.
Do not get bothered by the moral apostles on crusade here.

I find falling in love in SL to be a silly thing it just leads to pain. There is enough relationship woe's in the real world.
Second life should be for fun, not t get all sappy in love.
As Tina Turner so aptly put it "Whats love got to do with it"
Yes in SL i am partnered i was on a lark thought it would be fun to try a online marriage,being a young woman never married i was wanting to see what it was like to have a big wedding.
What a flop that was.....soon the wedding party were saying "oh that time is no good for me i dont know if i can come then". I change time then another one "Oh no i cant come then no".
So i just ended up doing a silly quick wedding like we eloped was stupid to do it.
Then nobody was coming to the after lame wedding party till my SL partner started to IM them.All were busy lol
Well, then shortly after the "marriage" he started to play the role of the possesive husband and was trying to be controlling.
After many break-ups we are still together, i consider him a friend, he still thinks there is a big romance...i tried to tell him from the start i was never interested in SL love was all just for fun, but he was like seemingly so in love, and still is.
I have a real life lover and that is all i need, i have some friends in SL...many that i thought were friends seem to have faded away soon time to clear list a bit.
He, my SL partner is very nice and i do care about him.
As far as sex in SL it is fun for a short while then it is just silly, nearly as silly as desperate men and women paying for sex and strippers in second life lol come on we are cartoons here.....wow that Wilma Flintstone was sexy lol.

All love has the potential for pain. If you look at RL love relationships, almost all of them end in pain. For many people, one of them ends up working out, and they get married. And then almost half of those end up splitting up, which is more pain. When you add up all the non-marital relationships that break up together with the marriages that break up, you can see that the vast, vast, vast majority of all RL love relationships end up in pain. The only way to avoid that, is to avoid falling in love, period.

But I'll say this: be careful before characterizing the behavior of others as "silly".



Well, you aren't doing him any favors by staying with him. It may be a game to you, but it's not right to play with someone else's feelings like that.



And it's attitudes like yours that led directly, and rightly, to the OP's post. Congratulations.

----------------------



Yes that has happened to me. On more than one occasion.



Yes, of course, you can tell very easily during the course of a conversation where someone's feelings are, once you know them a bit better.



Not quite that, but I have had situations where both of us wake up at a seemingly random time and happen to log into SL within 1-2 minutes of each other. It's a similar thing.



Yes, of course, in a special relationship.



This is very well said. Personally I have no bones to pick with anyone who chooses not to experience SL in this way -- to each her own. But, I do have a rather large bone to pick with the seemingly large number of people who look at people who *do* experience SL in the way you are describing with derision, scorn and mockery, as we have seen all over these forums.

another quote all know it all congratz

Basically i cant stand the know it all Dr Ruth types the permeate all chat rooms and forums.
They love to quote others and make little replies to each paragraph like they have true insite into all knowledge.
Listen up Little Dr Phil wana bee..
Second Life sex is lame, if this is your only outlet for love and sex you are sad and need to turn off the computer, unplug it, sell it or give it away. Go out meet real people and find a real live relationship.
Telling me i am doing him no favor by staying with him ..who the hell are you? You little miss Dr Phil wana be need to check yourself.
You have a real bone to pick with those that mock the love in SL? To dam bad you are sad get a real life.
yes there is pain in real life relationships as in ones in SL as i said if you had fully quoted me see i love how you quote monkeys love to just quote the parts you chose.
But if you really think sex in SL is anything more than getting frisky with Wilma Flinstone you need some real help and a real life as well.

I asked my questions because i wanted feedback. And i thank everyone who takes the time to respond to what i posted. I do understand your position Kitten. And you dont need me to tell you that how you choose to play in sl is acceptable. Unfortunately, you dont seem to get that we dont require your approval to play how we choose. And thats the no 1 problem on this forum and with people in general. There are too many people in this world who think they have some kind of authority to pass judgement and give orders to others. I mean really where do you people get off thinking you are that important? Im sorry to say this Kitty but its you who really needs to self evaluate and check your ego because youre making an ass of yourself throwing insults around like that.

what im saying is not only are you messed up to judge people who have relationships in sl but also you dont even understand the underlying dynamics of some of these relationships so you really have no knowledge with which to base your arguement against it in the first place. And if you can not comprehend what im saying thats ok maybe you can spend more energy and insult me too while youre at it

Oh I have relationships in RL. You make many assumptions, you ignorant fool.



What I am saying, you fool, is that it is not nice to play with the feelings of others. If you think this person has feelings for you and you are just playing with those feelings, that's simply not nice. And yes I will tell you that. If you don't want to hear that, then don't post your nonsense on the forums.

No one said anything about SL sex and love being anyone's only outlet. The poster you quote has I think made it very clear that it is not her only outlet and is clearly very well able to keep SL and RL separate.

Sex in SL need have nothing to do with the cartoons. I and my partner have been together for several months, and have used sex poseballs about twice, our "sex" takes place in IMs, and if you are suggesting that text cannot be deeply erotic and emotional then you really need to read a few more books.

If you are accurate in your assessment of your relationship, that he is in love with you, but you are just playing a game then in my view, and it is purely opinion, you are being cruel to someone you consider a friend. If you are unable to understand that there are real people behind the avatars, who have real feelings and get hurt then it might explain why your friends tend to fade away.

And given your comments elsewhere about people using abbreviations and lazy typing, you really should proofread before posting. (Yes, I know it's petty, but I couldn't resist.)

Do you want to have sex now?

Again another person that thinks they know all.
As i stated in my reply to this thread that little Dr Phil had to dissect ......I told him from the start that i did not want a real life love relationship in SL.
I said this in the post here, if you all would read and comprehend before you are planning your reply post in your head.
LOL and you say i need to proofread before posting you re a ass. proofread the fact that you misspelled poseballs the correct way is pose balls.
I am not playing a game if you read more than what you wanted to se then you would know this.
I really don't know why i bother to reply you and your forum whiners are a waste of time. There are real people behind avatars.... wow i never knew that.... you mean the foolish little men with wooden dicks that come up and say "me Brazil I sex you good" are real?
OMG.
Why don't you fade away....L7

Why should he fade away? You are the one coming on and making gross generalizations and insulting those who don't agree with you.

Yes I do use SL for an outlet for love and sex. I suffer from a medical condition that makes traditional relationships damn hard. Before you call me sad, spend a few years in my body. Then you can make all the insulting comments you want.

Last post here on this thread.
Flame all you want i wont even be looking to see lol.
First to the tard that said want to have sex now, no it isn't sex on SL it is sad and if you are spanking monkey while in cyber or using xcite...all the more sad.
To all you little NooBie men with wooden dicks walking around bumping into walls LOL you look stupid.
To all that think my post i am playing a cruel game with my SL partner ...if you all could comprehend what you read you would see i plainly said i told him from the start my feelings.
To the poster that said i need to check my spelling .... lol well buddy so do you.
To the Dr Phil wana be..... well i covered that all.
I am just sick of the BS from guys in SL with their flying up to me and getting as close as the can to see my boobs and ass better because they are to stupid to know how to use camera controls.
I am sick of men you talk to for 2 minuets then they think they have a love connection, or just a hook up for sex and bother you endlessly till you have to mute them.
It was a mistake to post how i felt here now i see the forum know it all trolls have zoned in to pick me apart because...well contrary to what they say i do think that a good portion of them have no real life relationships and SL is the whole ball of wax to them.

I personally thing SL sex is stupid, yes i said it again. Falling in love with someone you think you know on the computer, even if they sent pictures and you use voice I personally find silly yes i said silly.
It is my right to feel as i do if you don't like it to bad.
yes i know that there is a real person behind the Avatars here and many times they are immature and have social adjustment problems. But i have met some nice people and do have many good friends in SL.
Some have faded away as they do in RL to anyone you meet people and hang a bit but then go on separate ways.
My SL partner is a real nice guy, and as i said i do care for him, i am not in love and plan to meet him and marry him in RL and he knows this.... my point was he has stronger feelings i think and we have talked about this he knows how i feel and we have a kind of odd relationship, but it is just in SL.
I think some of you just get carried away with all this.
As far as reading more books LOL so i can have better Cyber i dont like cyber sex sorry i ahve real sex in my real bed.

So Flame on all ye want i wont reply have a good day !

yes and your first comment " do you want to have sex now" shows this to me let me call the Waaaaaaaaamulance for you
sorry now is last reply had to tell him this since his first reply to me was "do you want t have sex"
Why do i find it hard to believe he really has a medical condition is just trolling? hmmm