SL can effect relationships in RL very dramatically

Sounds like you have it sorted. If you stay open and honest, and keep the lines of communication open, you will know how the other is feeling about the things you do. The killer for any relationship is closing down the communication.

well, i didn't know that was the intent until after i had alraedy started to become stalked.

and why did you choose to leave that very important little tidbit out until now?

I aplologize. I had assumed a special friend meant someone to go dancing with, spend time with. Someone to know. A person to focus firts with.

It's been said before and it will be said again:
"The world is virtual but the emotions are real"

Apart from actors in a play or in a movie, I really don't understand how it is possible for a decent person to RP liking someone, nevermind loving someone.

There is a line (from a play)
"Tread softly, for you tread upon my dreams"

SL is so heady, so seductive.
Don't do anything regarding the emotions of others in SL that you would not do in RL.


Add:
Where emotions are concerned, SL *is* RL

You don't think it's possible to have an emotional attchment between to peolple in SL, and keep it contained within SL only, never going into RL? I think it's quite possible.

Honesty and open communication is best but sometimes it is hard for various reasons.
Even when you're in love and been with someone for long time there are parts of relationship that are missing.
It is hard to talk for some couples about this for numerous reasons, mainly fear.
I used music to communicate with my partner.
9 crimes by Damien Rice
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QnF9KKlhmE&feature=related
Personally pose ball romps are just badly depicted animated sexual scenes to me personally but sometimes the wants, desires and the attachments are real and painful when
attachments change or mixed well with one's own insecurities and nutty freshness

i guess when you said she flirts and you have an actual girlfriend, i read more into it than you intended.

or at least is willing to admit to under a forums backlash.

"Attachment" wasn't the term for what I was thinking of.
I have friends in SL that are SL only. I like them. I admire their humour and/or their creativity. Many of them know little or nothing about my RL, nor I of theirs. The need to know has not arisen.
I also have friends in SL who know something of my RL, and I of theirs
You could describe these relationships as attachments.

I was thinking more of "love".
The "takes your breath away". The impatience to meet up again. The dizzyness.
I've seen it happen in SL, to people who I understand to have a separate steady relationship with someone else in RL.

I see a lot of drama. I see partnering followed rapidly by departnering.

Perhaps it is possible for *both* people in a deep emotional SL relationship to completely separate SL and RL. If it is possible, I suspect that this would be a rare exception.
I think that in general, people's emotions are too fragile to be able to seperate love in SL from love in RL.

I completely agree with all of this. I can't offer advice to the OP because the nearest thing I ever had to a marriage already ended 4 years ago. But I do believe that a relationship in SL is as real as one in RL, it's only the medium of communication that's different.

The idea of being in love with someone in SL, and somehow not being in love with them when you log off and return to RL, that just boggles my mind and I don't know how anyone can just turn it on and off like that. I can understand being in love with more than one person at a time, but being able to turn it on and off at will just doesn't compute.

As for myself, I have an ongoing online relationship which began outside of SL, 3 years ago, and now is in SL as well. I also have a RL relationship (a very new one, to be honest, though one of those cases where you've been friends with someone for ages, know them really well already, and suddenly wonder just why have we got this far and not actually dated yet). My RL partner is also in SL, and he also has another online relationship within SL. In our case the SL relationships both pre-date the RL one, which must be fairly unusual. In fact we both checked with our online partners before hooking up in RL.

I have seen SL relationships turn extremely messy, more than once. But I have also seen them be very successful - one couple I know even got married in RL after meeting in SL. The former is much more common than the latter.

well I decided to elaborate on my experience, some know of it, some don't and some tell me I should write a book LOL

and now I removed the whole open book heh
(I am sure someone, somewhere copied it down)

hehe

Thanks for sharing that Rha

Yes this is the one thing that concerns me, the OP is less than one full month into SL (if this is his first AV). A very short amount of time, still in what I call "newbie" phase.

A lot... a LOT.... can happen after a few more months in SL.

And, I've always maintained that it takes at *LEAST* 2 full months to really "get to know" someone in SL. Somehow around 2 months (or even later) the skeletons start tumbling out of the closet and that person who was your Best Friend Forever can turn into a Bitchy Former Friend.

yw

me thinks you must be one of the ones who did not know the full story hehe

most of the time I just gloss over it and say yep, met my hubby in SL

Correct - I did not know the whole story

I guess the way I view it is that the love, the emotion, obviously occurs inside the person. Even though we are living in two realms -- the physical and the digital -- we are, at the end of the day, one person and not two people. So if we develop love for someone we meet in SL, that love is experienced in our person, which means it is also experienced in RL as well. This does *not* mean, however, that the SL relationship must slide into RL ... I think people are quite capable of keeping boundaries such that the relationship takes place solely in SL (meaning that SL and SL extensions like email for example are the only venues in which actual *interaction* takes place between the couple), even though, of course, the feelings one is experiencing are being experienced in the physical reality as well. It's a question of boundaries.

I do not think that people can say they love someone in SL and that they don't love them when they log off -- in other words, that the love is only "felt" when logged in. That sounds more like roleplaying romance. I think that surely some people do that -- it seems akin to me to flirting, rather than love -- something done for momentary fun, but not something that leaves a lasting impression. Surely there are a goodly number of people in SL who engage in that kind of behavior, but I wouldn't call it "love". If there is truly love, that love is also felt when you log off ... even if the agreed boundaries of the relationship dictate that the interaction all takes place online only.

As for the OP, the main dangers that I see are twofold: first, you never know whom your wife will develop feelings for in SL, and how that could play itself out. It's a pretty unpredictable place, and things can happen pretty quickly. You may be quite surprised to find that even given the best of intentions otherwise, something happens that neither of you could have predicted. Just a warning. The second is that you don't really know what your special friend is really thinking or feeling -- you *could* be encouraging her to develop feelings for you, which could get quite messy down the track, because again these feelings are real, and if they are not requited, the pain will be real as well.

As for this:



SL is what it is -- different people take it differently. You take it as a fantasy world, as imaginary. Of course you are aware that not everyone approaches it this way. People have businesses in SL. People also have loves in SL. People have found online loves, some others have found online loves that become loves in the physical world as well. Just because you take it as a fantasy, does not mean that everyone else does.

It is good that you communicate with others about your perspective in the course of your relationships with them. The key for someone with your perspective on SL is to avoid relationships with people who have other perspectives on SL, because they will get hurt otherwise.

And the same goes for everyone, I think: one of the key issues in any SL relationship is to suss out fairly early on just what the other person's level of engagement with SL really is, so that the two are compatible on that level. For example -- it's perfectly fine for two people who are viewing SL as a fantasy, an imaginary world where they are playing a game with the people they are interacting with -- it's perfectly fine if they both have the same perspective, and are comfortable with that. It's not, however, good when one person is playing a a fantasy game for some fun, while the other person's feelings are getting engaged. That kind of thing needs to be sussed out early in order to avoid emotional messes and hurts.

I honestly don't relate to the fun fantasy game perspective on SL, because I am not really capable of having a relationship with someone that involves the "trappings" of a relationship (ie, flirting, dancing, cybering, etc.) without my feelings getting engaged. I'm not wired that way, I can't compartmentalize like that, so that kind of "fantasy relationship" is very dangerous for me emotionally. I understand that others are wired differently, but it's best to be sure you are relating with people who are similarly wired, in my experience. I have seen more than one situation come up where people were differently wired in this way just so spectacularly crash, with a good deal of hurt and pain for the person who was more wired like I am.

When it comes down it be in real life or Second life nothing last forever, even if you love someone things change, needs change, people get stuck in rut and they want different things.
I have had same friends since I created this guy it isn't sexual for most of those relationships but the emotional attachments are real.
My rl partner didn't like it at first, last week he joined SL.
We have open relationship, he can be with whomever he wants but when it comes to me it gets complicated.
We both agree we can't be each others everything regardless of how much we wish we could.
Not sure what will happen next but at this point I just not going to hop on another pose ball for sake of it.

People got different needs and wants I suppose and I have no personal experience that I can relate to the OP other than that my parents have been together forever since they met at high school. They kinda old-fashioned in lots ways because they believe in marriage and love and trust and commitment and companionship and each other. Lots of people are quite surprised they still on their first time around, because they not all that old really. I like to think that maybe one day I will find the right person and be able have a little bit of what they have.

I dont know if the OP has any children, but if anyone reading this does then you might want to think about them as well.

QFT !!!

Hi. This is an update.

As many have warned, things didn't turn out for the better. I had begun to spend a lot of time with my wife's friend, more than I should have- and it seemed her friend was getting more involved so all of us agreed to stop what we were doing.

Yes there was some feelings of jealousy and some hurt, which I -truly- regret. Looking back in retrospect it definetly was a bad idea, and would pass the warning on to who ever reads this thread.

No, this isn't a story of the broken remains of shattered lives. We are all still friends, but just friends.

The three of us were able to end it before things got too serious.
******* But someone else may not have that opportunity ********

Zerock,

WOW. I have quite a lot of information on the concept of "cheating" (sorry on word choice there, perhaps we can call it "multitasking" on my blog that might help you (gathered from numerous resources/types of sources). http://sl2rllove.blogspot.com/

It seems from the studies and 'professional advice' I've found that you are absolutely right, SL love is very much the same in many key ways as RL love, and it's incredibly difficult to keep one from influencing another even with established rules in place. This is not meant to be judgemental. Instead, I hope it helps to realize that you are not alone in this experience, and that this outcome would tend to be (based on the research) expected.

If I can help you in any way, or if you want to share this experience on the blog for others to read, let me know. My email is [email]SL2RLlove@gmail.com[/email].

It is good that it didn't end up worse for you Zarock.

I think you are fortunate.

Good luck to you in the future!

Colette, when I reread this entire thread, I was wildly impressed with your comments. U rock.

In particular, this was very insightful:


It's easy to think things are 'under control' logically, but emos aren't bound by logic.