SL can effect relationships in RL very dramatically

Hi.
Both my wife and I are very conservative RL, but are not "Married" in SL. I have a SL girlfriend while she persues flirting.

After +16 years of marriage the whole SL social experience have very much enhanced our RL marriage in every, every way. (Can't be understated) We've been residences for only about a month and wonder if you've experienced the same.

We have an agreement never to see our SL partners in RL, me and my wife have always had a 100% trusting relationship. What ever we do in SL is open and on the table for the other to view. (Nothing secretive)

I'm sure these things happen all the time in SL, and was wondering about your own experience.

The platform is virtual, but the emotions are real.

SL can be very stimulating for well-established couples who've come to know each other perhaps a little TOO well. And so long as your activities stay in the "play" category, why not?

Be aware, though, that many many many threads point to the risks of "falling in love" with an avatar when you are already in a RL relationship that you value. So, just looking at the outcomes folks talk about in the forums, it sounds like your wife is perhaps being a little wiser than you are.

Have fun, and good luck!
.

My preference is to simply have the relationship with my RL mate ... its why I role play a child - and my adult avatar is married to my RL mate in SL ... everyone, however, is different ... and while things may be going "smooth" for now, it may be simply because it is a new experience.

I have known two individuals who have done what you and your mate are doing now - it started in another gaming platform and moved into SL. Both RL marriages are now over (as well as SL relationships), and it was a painful experience for both of them with a LOT of drama. But that is only two experiences, I'm sure there are others out there that have more experience in that realm.

Good luck!

Agreed, sometimes things can get very emotional, and very dramatic. It is very easy for some people to become 'involved' wiht another in SL. Certain individuals are quite transparant and what you see is not only what you get, but could be highly attractive to you ... and others know how to put up a good front and play your emotions like fiddles.

I've dated lots of ladies in SL. My advice? Friendship first, and friendship foremost. No matter what you do, no matter what else is said, keep, maintain and hold on for dear life to the concept that whatever happens here is "playtime", and when real emotions beyond simple friendship start getting involved, put the brakes on - or find new mediums outside of SL to explore them in.

We have an absolute blast, and the women I spend time with are also amazing friends. And that, to me, is primarily what my SL is all about.

It can go either way.

Zerock, you and your wife seem to have a good approach. Congratulations.

I've seen relationships start in SL, move to RL, and result in a happy marriage.

I've seen marriages break up over affairs begun in SL. (Although, arguably, the marriages may have been in trouble anyway, and the SL affair(s) were a symptom, not a root cause).

And I have seen many, many, many SL affairs result in SL partnerships, and then break up and end after only a few months, or weeks, or even days.

It's all people being people.

The big, open secret here is agreement with your RL partner. As long as neither of you move off that, start having a secret agenda? The temptation can be strong ... too strong .. sometimes .. the road to hell being paved with good intentions and all that. It can and does work for some. Good luck, be careful.

Bit interesting that this post is about a guy who dates online while his RL wife only flirts.

I wonder if he would be so complimentary if it was she that had the online relationship.

I knew a couple where the "RL Girl Friend who only flirts" basically was in Second Life to try and lure/fight for her Boy Friend to back away from his online love/distraction.

It wasn't until she started flirting to the point where she was going to start cybering one of his in-world friends that he flipped and called everything off.

QFT

And although all of the various experiences of other people may give you some things to be aware of, every is different and every relationship is different so your mileage may vary greatly when compared to others.

I think the open communication between you and your wife, and the fact that you are both in SL, are very good signs.





Now, on a sort of related, but side note: If we work this topic just a bit, we can get our "is it cheating" thread that is now long overdue.

Interesting point Colette - I had never considered that angle.

hehe Damn! you got there first!

to the OP: if you are truly being honest with each other then good luck to you! I couldn't do it - I'd scratch people's eyes out.

I'm not reading all those words - synopsis please!

SL can very much influence and manipulate RL relationships. As long as you are up-front and open with your spouse, there should be a clear understanding of how both parties feel about things.

If you set up rules...follow them. If your feelings change about the arrangement, speak your mind and be honest.

Well, let's get on with it already.

So..... the OP is married in RL -- therefore has exchanged those holy sacrament vows. Therefore, if he now has an SL girlfriend, is he *cheating* on his wife, regardless of her knowledge of the girlfriend?

In other words, is 'cheating' defined by simply have the emotional girlfriend on the side or is it only cheating if he is not open and honest about everything?


ETA: Sometimes you just have to drag people into a topic.

Generic double standard argument #1

Well if he does it its not cheating -

But if his wife starts also online dating then she is cheating.

Yep, that is how it usually goes, huh?

My RL husband and I both play in SL, too, and like you, we have an agreement about how we play. We set boundaries at the very beginning, and have rules. The number one rule is complete honesty. We do not keep any secrets from each other, and we always tell any potential romantic involvement that we are married in RL and that this game is pure fantasy for us, with no hope of it going outside of SL. We also have agreed to never meet in RL, and do not interact in any way other than in-world. This means no voice, no email, no phone calls, etc. This assures that everything stays a fantasy and never gets too real. Neither of us has a committed relationship in SL; we date/flirt with several people. We do have closer friends that we spend more time with than others, but no “partners” or anything. But we go on dates, we hang out with certain people and we even cyber…you know

We have been in SL for about 4 months now, and so far, this has worked for us. Not to say we haven’t hit any bumps…I for one still fight feelings of jealousy every once in awhile, lol. But…we talk it out. Communication, complete honesty, and keeping it strictly in SL have worked so far. Sometimes I wonder if we are playing with fire, but at this time, we are doing good and keeping it all strictly play. I actually think one of the things we both need to keep in mind is that although this is play for us, we do still have each other, while the avatar we may be involved with in SL is actually a real person behind the screen and has feelings…and we don’t want to hurt them. So being honest all the way around is really the only way to go.

I couldn't either.

I've had a lot of experience with online relationships - some stayed online, some came into RL. One of the online to RL ones: The guy wanted to marry me. I was not looking to get married so it never happened. We used to sit next to each other when we were online, sharing the same computer, but logged in to separate IRC accounts.

When I saw the way women would throw themselves at him...and his flirting back, I told him if we ever *did* get married, we weren't going back online, at least to that particular community. He really got his back up over that, but, as a single woman for many years now and seeing things from this side, I swear I'd never trust a RL husband online.

But, that's just me, my predispositions and my personal experiences.

~ ~ ~

Another couple I knew for years on IRC in the Gorean context. Lovely couple. Married probably close to 20 years or so. The wife was the husband's "slave" online. The husband never seemed to be the flirty type. I was surprised after many years when I saw another woman with this man's "collar" on and was told it was a second slave, but only online.

Some time later the wife did divorce the man saying she was not going to share. It caused a lot of messy stuff within their circle of friends and much sadness.

I'd be interested to know if the SL girlfriend is single or has a RL relationship as well.

I say be careful

one can not always control how one feels

If you want to know more on this cryptic comment, im me

I would rather not put all my details on the forums for all to pick apart hehe

If the OP got partnered to someone, and his rl wife also partnered someone, would they be cheating on their sl partners in rl?

And if in that scenario they had an sl affair with each other, would they be cheating on their sl partners?

Pep (I am glad I am not married. Oh shit! I am!)

no way! NO! WAY!

I have known several people who got angry when their online loves went on RL dates with people in their Real Lives. Personally I find that loopy - but it is common.

Not cheating, since the RL mate knows about it and there's no secrets.

Heck, she might lean over occasionally, see whats going on, and lovingly offer the advice "You're doing it wrong here too, darling."

From personal experience and from the people I have talked to, the two people involved in a virtual relationship seem to be a bit more on the same wavelength when both are either single or both are married.