SL can effect relationships in RL very dramatically

It can.

I can love and live in both the digital and physical realms. I separate them, practically, even though I am one person. That means I can have feelings per the mental chemistry of my physical body for people both in RL and in SL and in each case only in the respective medium.

No doubt because the feelings are present in your physical self, regardless, it can have an impact on your RL. Beware, however, of using people in RL as a way to stimulate your RL relationship .. that can come back to bite you on the ass in a big way, to be honest.

Generic Double Standard Argument #3

Men have a need to "sow their oats" and Online environments are a good outlet. Its good for their marriage.

Women never have such feelings.

Some people are better at compartmentalizing than others.

3 Ring:
This is what I was wondering about:

It's my own opinion that a persion should be happy in their marriage: They should mutually work one with another for improvement rather than resorting to threats.

At least that's what I've been blessed with. It's just the romantic spark had nearly gone out between us.

I have had a few people tell me this and I can sort of understand it. I can also still see the potential for danger if any of the involved parties cannot keep everything in the proper perspective. I truly applaud those that can manage this - I am not sure I could.

LOLOLOL dude... i don't have to threaten my husband. i'm quite a handful, and he LOVES it. he's a challenge too. WE make our own sparks by being ourselves and loving each other for who we are. we seek council with EACH OTHER.

See .. thats kind of the thing, Zerock.

Its possible that your Second Life has just led you and your wife to broaden your horizons. I have a feeling you will know better if thats the case when your wife takes the plunge and has a online relationship herself.

But its also possible that your online girlfriend is basically a *threat* your wife is addressing by being more adventurous, more sexual, etc.

I've been chatting online since the 90's .. I will say from people I have known, the second case happens more often than the first.

i could not! i don't share well.

Hi Czari:

She's pretty casual about it and the open dialogue between us 3 keep nothing hidden. My wife is also good friends with her and if one has better communication, it's between them two. (You know how "Girl talk" goes.)

and then realizes that she wants someone else. someone more exciting and interested in her.

Well sure, but since it seems her attention seems more focused on him, that its less likely she's looking for someone else outside.

But I am giving the benefit of the doubt that the OP .. who admitted he lost closeness for a while .. actually knows what is going on.

But otherwise in similar circumstances, My money would be on the "fighting for her man" stage.

Which however is often followed by the "grim acceptance .. time to look elsewhere" attitude.

Little bit of warning for the innocent bystanders. The spouse who is left wanting doesn't always look ONLINE for their additional comfort.

Jewell said:

Quote: “can also still see the potential for danger if any of the involved parties cannot keep everything in the proper perspective. I truly applaud those that can manage this - I am not sure I could.”

This is why I said I sometimes feel we are playing with fire…so far we have been successful. I think as long as we remember that our version of SL is not real, we will be okay. It is an imaginary world to us.

True story, a couple I know had an open relationship he was on the road a lot and she knew he strayed.. She as well had other relationships.. Then one day he hooked up with a woman who had AIDS. They are both dead now. So ends that marriage. But left a daughter with the virus.

Moral of the story is no matter how you agree, there WILL be something that will alter your perception on an agreed upon arangment.

As far as SL goes, sure you and your wife may be okay with the agreement, but what of the other party? What happens if they despite telling you they wont fall in love with you? What then? So you and your wife are getting off on being able to stray online while you possible break the heart of a woman or man who just can't put that line in. And Im not going to get into possible stalking situation...

]Because it is imaginary, you do not feel real emotions? I suspect that it's fun BECAUSE you feel real emotions ... and your physical heart beats faster, you actually laugh out loud, until your real eyes tear up.

Perhaps the emotions are less vital, less compelling because SL is virtual ... until, suddenly, they are not.

SL is imaginary. Emotions are not.
.

That would be very true if RL - but this is SL and while there are real people with real feelings behind the keyboard but the medium is fantasy - an illusion.

If someone comes along in my wife's SL experience which makes her happy I encourage that. I know my wife would never violate our rules.

No you don't know, you only hope.

This is actually the one thing that, in my opinion, is not a reason to not have an online relationship. If all parties know the rules and one party deviates from that, it is not any of the other parties' fault.

If I get in a relationship with someone and I am not serious and state that up front and they fall in love and get a broken heart, it most definitely is not my fault in any way. I cannot control someone else's emotions -- they are 100% responsible for those all on their own.

Not sure 1 month is long enough to tell anything when it comes to relationships.

Unless you are 16 , then after 1 month you know things be that way forevars.

I could see this potentially working, yes... but the potential for failure is far, far higher, from what I've seen. You've got three, possibly four or more people involved in your RL relationship, regardless of the method of communication, and if all parties are open, honest, and giving informed consent, that's one thing... but all too often, one comes to discover that other parties are -not- being as open (and therefore the supposed consent turns out to be... something very different) ...and there's no way to know that without talking to other partners, getting their assurances, etc...

*shakes head* Nup. Great if it works out, but the potential for catastrophic failure is far too high. To quote a favorite TV show, "People lie." ...And they're more likely to do that, imho, in an online situation, in which they feel they can get away with it. =/

There is certainly truth to your comment.
There is little true security in anything. On the other hand isn't it more likely a satisfied spouse is less likely to stray RL than one who is unsatisfied?

After a decade and a half one gets to know a person pretty well, and also attune to trouble, especially if communication lines are wide open.

I understand your point. I'm just saying things have a way of changing and what starts out as one thing can quickly turn to somethign else for either parties.

good luck, Zerock. i hope that at some point you both find a nice niche that you no longer rely on others and can have that fun and playful SL relationship you are having with others.

you know.... things that you would NEVER do in RL you can do in SL with each other, and start leaving the rest of the general population out of it for the most part.

i guess the part that makes me wary is the unexpected emotional relationships that you'll develop. i have no online lovers, but i have made REAL friends online. some i've met, some not. but they are real friends who i would consider as important as one living in my neighborhood.... my feelings are real. my loyalty is real. my emotional dependency is real. so, even though mine is not sexual, that does not mean i do not know how the whole thing works.

AND... i've been online for a long time now. i'm not without my own experiences that have lead to unexpected scandal, which is why i am now so adament about keeping my distance with anyone who even remotely appears to be flirtatious in a manner that i find dangerous.

I hear ya on that......

Would be interesting to know if the OP has the same opinions on this in a year's time.

Right now its all just during the honeymoon period.


I do know a few people who do successfully mix RL marriages with online dating, but those I have known who succeeded long term are either RL swingers, those who have only short term online relationships, or both.

3Ring you make some good valid points and thank you for the good advice.

I'm probably mistaken but your last post seem to hint of a friendship based on sex. That's far from the case. I have a special friend I take dancing etc and SL sex has little to do with it.

Again, everything is open and honest - I envite my wife to read the IM's and there are no secrets.

There is a lot of wonderful advice from all sides in this thread. I'm glad it was started.