sl relationships

/me smirks. "No, not a Friday thread, but rather, a Tuesday thread."

I was keyword surfing the forums for topics I have recently been discussing with a friend, and I came upon this old thread:


I wondered how we've all changed in the past several months. What loves have come and gone, what new insights have you gained into your self and your interactions in Second Life. Basically, what's going on yo...?

For me:
My fledgling relationship (yes, the one people fall head over heels into your first month in SL) lasted about a six months. Actually, it went pretty smooth, we had gotten to the point of interacting outside of Second Life entirely. Too bad she lived thousands of miles away though. In the end, I called the relationship off, but we're still on good terms in RL.

Lately, I am really into roleplaying and not being exclusive with anyone. The alt I made (and who consequently became the only character I log in anymore) was initially created as an insulator against RL. It was the typical guarded "SL stays in SL" theme. As this character has evolved and met new people, I can't help but get to know people outside of RP. I like to chat about life and philosophy, hobbies and interests, or just plain silly stuff. RL feelings of intimacy are difficult (for me) to shut off. Sometimes, it's a bit like trying to plug the holes of a leaky ship.

I think I have taken a few lessons to heart though. I've become very straight-forward with my expectations and I communicate a lot with the people I see more than once. I have a number of friends I met via RP and the "relationship" has gravitated towards RL information being released. Personally, I see this more as getting to know someone as a friend.

I had a long talk with a close aquintance the other night about role playing vs. persona playing. It touches on a lot of topics related to how much of yourself you put into SL and how much you are pretending.

To complicate matters... when you explore a bit of BDSM, this entire thing becomes a lot more complex. Landmines.... landmines. Beware.

Seems like you really ought to put more effort into your role playing. Unless I'm missing something here, role playing doesn't work unless you are actually playing a role.

I project that in the next six months you will post your insights about SL BDSM relationships and have created an alt who's profile states "I don't do BDSM." XD

I'm into trees this week.

Well as things stand for me nothing has changed in the last several months, I am still with the same wonderful Master

In the 3 years I have been in sl I have learned I prefer steady companionship in sl. I am very much the same person in sl as I am in rl. I agree as you become closer to people personal information becomes more forthcoming. Several of my closest friends I email, chat, text/talk to over the phone. These folks have left such an imprint in my life. My sl husband is the only person I have met face to face. That is a new dynamic for me and for him too.

We are very much opposites but we compliment each other. Our interaction is just about the same irl as in sl. The difference is now when he says certain things to me in world, I have a visual of him saying to me as if we were face to face. That has certainly intensified our bonding. After being together in sl for almost a year now, we are still going on strong. Very strong!

One of my goals was to travel and meet at least 1 perhaps 2 friends/family a year depending on the cost. I plan to travel this summer to Florida to meet my sl sister Megs.

Funny thing about sl and it mirroring rl. When we lost our virtual home and business it was eerily devastating like it would be irl but only virtual. Our feelings of dispair and loss was not virtual. We put so much work and time only to have it wiped out in a snap of a finger. That hurt, really hurt! But like any couple regardless of which life we you are in, we got back right to work and now things are better than before and it has made us closer.

I have eventually and progressively destroyed most of the relationships and friendships I spoke of in that thread. (T_T)

I can't see myself getting involved again in SL. Trust and opening up are so difficult for me anyway. I just don't have the ability to go thru it all again.

/me gives you big ol squeezy hugs.

i used to jump into any relationship when i first got to sl and for probably the first year..
right now the second i see someone getting close to moving in that direction. i start to do a lot of subject changing like i didn't hear what they said..

mr mano Ceka do you like men that are not afraid to cry?

Ceka: Hey i wonder!!! Do think this rezzor will pick up the scripts on the top floor?

Mr man: oh you must not have heard my question.

Ceka:yes i heard you and i think men shoudl be able to do what they want..
So Do you think this rezzor will pick up on the scripts at the top floor? i'm gonna try it out real quick..BRB!!!

That is just SICK!

lol

That sounds like me.. before...

I know, it's twice my age!

Bingo! Sounds like it's the "weight" or "clarity" those RL details add to the friendship/relationship that he's gravitating to... which is perfectly normal, but not really a part of RP.


Lately, I've been applying my "I" theory and the 3 basic viewpoint groups I come up with to the new people I meet in SL, and it hasn't been wrong yet in figuring out which mindset a person feels most comfortable in.

To summarize shortly: Take the average things you do in SL, and when you're doing them, what or who do you mean when you say the word "I"?
1. Roleplayer- "I" would be their character, personna, or role in the storyline. The AV is a prop and can be changed easily.
2. Immersionist- "I" would be them as they exist in the context of SL reality. The AV IS them as they live through it. Changing AV's is a lot harder, there is some self-image attached to it.
3. Real lifer- "I" would be whoever sits behind the keyboard. The AV is a tool to create RL connections, much like MSN chat is a tool to reach other RL people. Changing AV is either totally easy because it doesn't matter, or darn near impossible because that's how they represent their RL looks (I'm almost leaning towards 2 sub-groups here).

Of course there's always people who're mixes of the different ones, and people are flexible enough to DO any of these they want, but it's about comfort zones, not abilities. As corny as it is, it's proven extremely helpful for me in avoiding so-called "conflicts of viewpoint" that tend to make for incompatabilities in SL. I've always studied things like nuance and body language, so this is just one more nerdy step on my journey towards earning the coveted "nerd glasses" degree.

I'd be interested in hearing about this role playing vs. personna playing thing...
Sounds to me like its just 2 different levels of involvement in the roleplaying group, one who's RP is tied to the story/environment, and one who's RP personna stays with them as long as they're in that AV.

That's a nice summation of the ways to approach SL, Dana...I've used two of them up until now, your numbers 2 and 3, to explain different viewpoints. But adding the "roleplayer" POV makes it more comprehensive.

am more of the last two "I's"
i used to be able to role play but really still always had a lot of me in there..

now it's just me and my me hanging out drinkin some tea and watching the grid..
Wazzzzzzzuppp!!!
sorry couldn't resist it just kind of happened

I'm a bit uncertain of the tone of your response, so let me say that my intention is not to come off as belligerent with this response.

Your response seems to imply that proper roleplaying precludes you getting to know people outside of the RP. My take on this is that we're not static people. I still do enjoy my RP, and with many people I keep a very clear separation between RL and SL, but with some people, things just "click" OOC. As long as there is clear communication and no pressure, What's wrong with getting to know them? I know my non-SL RL friends really well and that doesn't stop us from roleplaying dungeons and dragons.



Good idea about making an SL BDSM relationship thread. /me writes that into his calendar.



Dirty hippy!



/me looks at your forum tag. Memory is accessed. Gears turn. Conclusion reached.
/me pats you on the head. "Sorry to hear LittleMe. I hope lots of cool things happen to take your mind off it. Chin up. Face forward." *smiles*



That's a nice list. I tend to mix between each of those, depending on who I'm interacting with and what kind of mood I'm in.



I think it's like you say. Different levels of involvement. The first, roleplay, your RP is a pretend actor with pretend feelings who may do things that you wouldn't in RL. For persona play, you are yourself, your personality and likes/dislikes are the same, though you may be more willing or able to do things virtually that you can't in RL. The feelings are real, and it's probably a stepping stone to RL meet-ups for many people. Then again, I don't think it NEEDs to cross into face-to-face meeting. It can remain virtual but the people still invest their RL selves into it. Probably very similar to your "lifestylers" category. Personally, I had never heard of "persona play" until the other night.

Scott, I'd like to again throw in a plug for the BDSM and RP classes held at Capture Roleplay (CARP) and Bonanza at Waterview sims (by Forceme Silverspar), both lecture series have also material about dealing with RL emotions especially as they relate to (roleplaying and 'real') BDSM relationships. You don't have to go and make all the newbie mistakes all over again, at the worst with another newb, just to make it two times the more painful learning experience. Study the subject first, it'll save you a lot of trouble.

I fall into the #2 Immersionist category, I guess. My avatar reflects my basic personality and values, even when roleplaying, which I do, I always react the way "I" would in a particular situation. I don't change avatars, or have any alts, I do everything from the one character.

As far as relationships go, I am not interested in any sort of committed personal relationship online. For me, that is for RL. In my early days in SL, being new to online socializing I exolored that arena, and have firmly realized it is not for me. SL is strictly casual fun, nothing more.

Ok, I think I understand.. ty. The word persona through me off there. I've known roleplayers who play.. say a pirate, and they take their course, attitude-ridden FAKE "personna" out of the RP area and into like a shopping mall or something. Addressing everyone they talk to as if the other person was a part of their roleplay. I even almost fooled around with a guy who introduced his alt to me like it/he was an entirely different human at the controls. That's why I took it to mean an extreme roleplayer who doesn't turn off their character's contrived personality like most do when they leave the storyline or RP area.
What you describe is like roleplaying yourself, your true self inside an AV's body and SL itself becomes the roleplay. That's definately immersionist IMO.

LOL...you're cute

My response certainly wasn't intended to be belligerent. You can take the wording at face value because your post gives a strong impression that you are confused regarding the handling of RP.

RP does not preclude getting to know people but it isn't the purpose of RP and it is not good RP to make a habit of it. For one thing, many RP games will indeed become minefields if real life is mixed far too much into the equation, as you concluded yourself.

No sarcasm was intended when I suggested "I may be missing something here" because I would have thought it is a simple matter to take RP for what it is. Has it occurred to you that it just might not be for you or anyone else who can't help letting RL leak into proceedings?

Hm, what has changed.. Not much. Except, I have grown even fonder of my partner.

I swear, I'm not as mushy as I sound..

Actually my alt, Vance Adder (not that I care if anyone knows as he's moreorless my main now... I just post on Scott because of my post count, hehe), has attended a number of those classes.

...and yes, I found them very helpful.

Ah well. Good point. I don't want to stop RPing though. However, I have sat down with all my regular RP partners and discussed this. When someone expresses that they want to keep a boundary between RL and SL while playing I'm perfectly willing to accept that and oblige.

However, I have gotten to know a couple people where they're very open about RL stuff. I suppose it's a tad confusing to me because up 'til now I've been one of those people who likes to maintain the RL/SL barrier. I guess I find that my perspective is starting to morph.

I think... in my head I realize that I'm not a static person. I change and evolve. My perspectives shift. What I hold true one day may change the next. That's sort of what I'm dealing with.