How much of yourself do you put into SL?

I met a guy a few weeks ago and we became really good friends. As time went by he initiated sharing RL things, (photos, details, etc) and we became close. He rp's a lot and although I'm extreemly busy with my own things, I went along with him on a few occasions and played along as his partner, he introduced me to everyone and likes taking me places where we can be seen together. We shared the same sort of ideas on how you should behave in SL and he once asked what my rl bf thought of me having SL boyfriends. Its not something I agree with (cheating is cheating however you try to justify it) and I truthfully told him that if I had a rl bf then I wouldn't have an sl one and he agreed and said that he was glad to have found someone that thought the way he did

We've slowly become closer over the weeks which resulted in a 'romantic' encounter this past weekend and although a relationship is not something I wanted I was happy about the way things were going.

Then the bombshell was dropped after something strange happened. He told me that he never realised that I wanted a 'real' SL relationship and that he can't invest any real feelings into it because he is happy with his RL partner and kids. He said he was sorry if I misunderstood him and it seemed that we wanted different things inworld and that we should 'talk' soon, but that his actions were all part of the RP. But I'm so stunned that I admit I avoided him yesterday while I try to sort out if I misread the whole thing and this really is my fault.

As a good Rp'er I always save my convo logs so I read them back yesterday and at no point did he mention a partner, although he did tell me about his kids. Nothing in our past conversations even now leads me to believe that I misread things at all. I'm not a young girl, I have a good life in SL with lots of friends and a group to run as well as my hobbies that I love, but I did not think that people like this exisited. Naive? well maybe but I thought I knew the guy by now and to think that all this time he has been roleplaying everything with me makes me sick

I don't want to believe badly of him at all, but could someone come inworld and be so completely callous? If he really did only want to play a 'character' in SL then why share any RL info? ...why not be honest from the start? .....

He even IM'd me yesterday calling me by the pet names he uses for me and seems completely oblivious to what he's doing. Is he messing with people's feelings or does he really just see SL as a 'game' and his avi a 'character' to play with?

Bleh, I'm not willing to discuss my former situation anymore because it was just too damn painful. Suffice it to say that whether you intend to get involved with someone or not, it can happen.

I know two people who have been (according to *him*), RPing a relationship for almost a year. I bet if I asked her, she'd think they were in a 'real' relationship.

I can't fathom "role-playing" a relationship. You either is, or you ain't. Pick one.

I've been different for each person I know depending on how much friendship (or more) we've established. (^_^)

There are people that see me purely on the surface and love to chuckle at my hyperactive ways.

There are others that have a general idea of the kind of person I am in RL and we often share stories about our RL families and adventures.

There are others that I have already communicated with offworld, either through chat/text services or personal Email.

And, there's the short list. The people that I've gone as far as sharing a lot of RL details with, including self pictures and first names.

There are people scattered through this list that are in SL for pure RP purposes. SL is an escape after all. When it comes to emotional or relationship issues, they drop the ball, and rightly so. To each his/her own and everyone can take their second life as far as they want to. (^_^)

I myself was partnered for a month to one person, continue to be infatuated with another, and have a couple infatuations aimed my way. I have treated people like friends, rivals, siblings, property, and then some. Second Life is my second life and in many ways, for many people, all of me is here. (^_^)y

There is no point in trying to second-guess someone's motives in SL. Likely, you will never know the reasons for his actions.

This may not be in any way related to any "RP" or adhere to anyone's personal rules of RP.
He may have simply changed his mind and invented a RL partner as an excuse (since you've pretty much told him that would be a dealbreaker). I wouldn't take anything he says at face value.
Just move on.

Agreed!

I never thought of it that way Brann and you could be right on both counts

How much of "Me" do I put in SL.. Simply put None.. There are too many horror stories out there about online relationships gone wrong and I dont' want any part of it...

I am exactly the same person RL as I am in SL. If I am in a rp situation, it is still *me* including all my RL emotions, reactions, etc. - just the RL me in a fantasy setting wearing clothing indicative of the RP environment, etc.

I try to be very careful now that before I become closely involved with someone in an online relationship we have our "rules" laid out clearly first. (Can still backfire due to some people deliberately lying, but I do my best.)

The person you describe sounds a bit mixed up ~or~ was lying to you. I wish you the best going forward and am so sorry you had this experience.

It could be a lot of things.

He could really not be thinking about your feelings.
He could be playing you.
Brann had a good point, and it could be his way of breaking things off. (But then why contact you again with pet names?)
And, if you were in an RP situation, he could really have thought that since he was playing a "character" there, you were too. Although then I don't understand his sharing RL information.

Every time I read a story like yours, there is always a theme of the two people having different expectation of SL. Or the two people assuming completely different things.

I'm sorry this happened to you. On the bright side, you found this out about him after only a few weeks, and not months.

As far as me? I don't know how much of me is in SL yet. I'll tell you when I figure it out. I just try to be honest with whoever I meet (and hopefully myself..a little harder..).

Exactly Jerboa, I have no problem if he decided he made a mistake and wanted to break things off (I'm not a clingy teenager) but you hit the nail on the head...why contact me as if nothing happened calling me by his pet names and if he really only wanted to play a 'character' why share RL info...Makes no sense to me at all

TY Czari I don't believe he has ever rp'd before and maybe he really does believe SL is a game with no thought for the people behind the avi's

One of these days I'm going to have a "talk" with the girl I"ve been "dating" in SL about expectations. It's awkward to bring up though.

LOL Scott...don't be a wimp

Clear space in the forums for a thread from Scott's soon-to-be-ex-gf.

Pep (It's almost certainly already too late)

Now it would be really interesting if hers is the next post.. He might have already let the cat (Neko) out of the bag!

Do you and her both a favor and make it sooner rather than later, no matter how awkward. It may cause some heartache now or it may help prevent some in the future.



I am always ME here. I know people who really can RP it and even have multiple SL accounts with multiple SL lives. I truly do not understand it, but to each their own. I simply try really hard to keep it real between me and others. I do not lie about my RL and I will not even withhold asked for info from folks that I know a while. SL is different for everyone, so it is quite often knowing what is really going on with the other people. But, even in RL, you don't really know how honest people are being with you -- you just simply have a few more resources available.

I really don't know how to answer this. I'm deeply involved in SL as a whole but I've never got into any deep relationships and never looked for any. I've been in SL long enough (2 years) to find that my character and behaviour in-world has developed and been shaped by my time here. In a way I have diverged from my RL persona a bit since I came to SL in that I'm more care-free and extravert here.

People can be who they like in SL, there's no implied need to either disclose or to hide one's RL identity. I've met people, mainly men, who tell lots about their real lives and then say 'now, your turn'. Once, a long time ago, I did tell someone my RL details and I could see it might end up with the guy buying plane tickets to fly half-way round the world to see me if I'd said much more!

There is also a risk that if one discloses, but not fully, the trail could lead mistakenly to another RL person and that could cause them trouble. After all, I might not be the only woman called L***** living in *******, UK, aged XX and working as a ........................................!!

I put a lot of me into SL, even in RP, the characters react as I would in the same situation, but everything that goes into SL stays in SL. I don't ask for any RL information of anyone I meet, nor do I ever look at RL Tabs on profiles. I'm not interested in finding a partner or sweetheart of any type, any relationships are strictly casual and SL only.

The good, the bad, the ugly and even the horny in SL is all me, the real life me, and even
the fake me when I am pretending.
Yet at same time there is certain things I don't want in SL.
I don't want ugly emotional scenes cause I met some hot pixel chick or dude
and we had hot pixel love.
I don't want to role play a vulnerable, act and forget think....oh we did such and such intimate act together so now we have this history and I share all these personal emotional
things about myself now when in truth is I helped someone diddle and there was
no real intimacy and I am not even real person to them, just a fantasy.
It's just not my idea of fun, nor do I find one handed typing exciting majority of the
time.
I got enough sexual drama and woes that I don't need to bring it here and ruin my
SL.
Yet I do really care about my friends and I care about them, I enjoy hanging out with them and Doodling with them.
I just rather Doodle then diddle.
I don't believe you can roleplay a relationship personally with another person
unless its with a bot or imaginary person that you've personally created.
I am not saying the OP did this but I think sometimes certain Residents in SL
take the pose ball, romance thing way too seriously and way too quickly and often
the other person realizes it, feels suffocated by the other residents need and seriousness.
Neediness and high expectations often lead to unpleasant emotional things if not properly checked at the login screen or muted whenever possible.
Not saying it is easy but it just as dangerous emotionally to depend on others,
expect or have demands here upon others as it is in first life.

Further to above: Alts:
My alt was a robot but it's now a floating fuzzy black ball. It only interacts in chat via pre-programmed speech gestures and it is clealy identified as being the property of Conifer Dada. Obviously it has to operate via my RL, but it is carefully contrived to have no personality or character other than its association with meeee!!! It's called X7 Mubble. Its main purpose is to sit on my group as a safety net and also to test permissions but it does sometimes appear in public.

In order to create the alt, one had to go through the newbie process and that was strange, it didn't feel like 'me' at all but a stranger.

On the few occasions I've agreed to go on a naughty poseball, it's just been because someone has suggested it and I've thought 'oh well, if it makes them happy and it doesn't make me unhappy, what the heck!' I am celebate at the moment, though.

I don't get RP a relationship- You RP riding dragons in Pern, you RP being a gangster or a zombie or a vamp (assuming the RP part only). How the hell do you RP relationships? I know someone who RP's all kinds of crap then wonders why people get hurt when she tells them it was "just" RP.

Write him off - whether scam or RP- who cares, it's over and you have earned another scar. That which does not destroy me.. etc.

Please don't think I am being harsh- most have at least one good tale to tell similar to yours. But there are so many good solid folks here- you will find people to be friends with and more as time goes by. Good luck.

I'm probably more "real" in SL than in RL. And as for having partners and all that.. Communication. I'm a huge fan of it. Granted, it took a while before my partner and I both saw the light and realised we were pretty much an item (long fter people started dropping hints ) but when that was a fact we sat down and discussed exactly what we both wanted and expected out of our relationship. Makes life easier ya know.


Also I could add.. I definitely see how people could RP a relationship in a specific RP setting, but also there.. Communication.. Continously..

Communication is great if People are actually communicating and understand
what is being communicated.

Which is why people should sit down and say "what do you want out of this?" or something, rather than just sticking with interpreting the every day talk if you get what I mean (yeah that was a lousy explanation..). But alas, apparantly that's a rare occurrance, it seems. In RL too I guess..

Like I say, in SL I'm just up for fun and creativity and maybe I'm a bit superficial in a nice kind of way. The only time I've been really upset in SL is when I accidentally demolished my home through careless re-setting of my group land permissions. But I got over it.