How much of yourself do you put into SL?

Amaranthim No not harsh at all *smiles* Please dont misunderstand me...I'm not at all upset or broken hearted over this, I think I'm more surprised that someone could be so devious and not treat the avi with a bit of respect rather than just an image. I have a of excellent friends, my little hobby and I'll carry on as a did before - just more wary I think

Yep it hard I seen it my female friends in SL, even my brief exposure of SL Gay scene
they want a certain thing, perhaps a fantasy, "Fun" or ego boost and it easy to get all caught up thinking you're communicating but all sorts of factors that sometimes
really prevent others, including myself from communicating, what they really want out of their interactions.
Often I have heard my female friends say, "Well I thought he wanted this or we were suppose to get together and do this but now he is doing this and I feel lied too."
When he may have seen whatever was going on casually and didn't take whatever was
happening in same serious fashion she might have.
I won't even go into the stuff with gay guys because its too rated X but some of drama
is very similar at times.
Same things can occur in rl, you may be physically intimate with someone on regular basis
or spend years with same person but not communicating, or even if, or when you try
there is so many walls up it becomes increasing difficult or the answer is often if it involves
needs is word "No" so you end up settling for what is possible to keep the relationship.
Communicating at least in my reality doesn't always mean you will get what you're looking for, be understood nor understanding the other person, nor does it mean
improving or changing the situation.

I do not RP in SL
I am me, same me in SL as in RL
I do not share every little detail of my RL with every person I meet, however that doesn't mean I am not being me

no different than RL, you trust some ppl with more details about your life than others

True. Funny though, I have never been good with communication in general, socializing and stuff like that. I guess that leads me to be more blunt and straightforward when it comes to figuring out "what do you mean/want/etc".

As I've said before, I'm just me, only more so. Any relationships I have here are taken at face-value, although I'm aware that other people might not be what they claim. I see that as their problem, not mine: I can handle it. There are a few people here I've got to know very well, to the point of exchanging RL info and pics (cautiously). I've even had a RL meet with one friend (very cautiously).

So yes, I'm very involved with SL, but on my own terms. I don't treat it as a dating agency and I never assume the people here are anything like they appear. Physically or emotionally.

Given that he pushed for the mutual sharing of RL info, it seems past the "RP" bounds to me. Typically when people share their RL info, they desire to get to know the "real" you, as it were, either as a friend or someone to be romantic with.

Frankly, I'd beat tracks away from this character. He sounds like either he got in over his head, changed his mind, or his wife caught him.

As others have said, it's best to establish relationship boundaries up front. Don't be afraid to ask if someone just wants to RP a relationship, have a non-RP serious relationship, is looking for RL considerations, whatever.

Questions only hurt here if they're unasked.

Yes.

I personally would consider SL in it's entirety to be RP, it's all RP, it isn't real life so how can it be anything but RP. My personality online is the same as it is anywhere else.....but I'm still just pixels to anyone who hasn't met me.

My motto, until you meet someone for real in RL, they are NOT real.........they can be anyone or anything they want to be in virtual world or RP

My opinion only and its not shared by most who enter virtual relationships.

I am sorry you got hurt, move on and don't make assumptions about someone you actually don't know. You can’t possibly know who someone really is after a few weeks.

When I first began dating my now Partner of over a year, he first stated what he called his "level of relationship" talk to me. Laid things out VERY clearly. (ETA - This is the communication Darion spoke of.)

(As it turns out, one of the things he included, not willing to be exclusive with anyone in SL, changed )

But I admired him for being upfront about how he viewed relationships in SL from the beginning. If I had heard it weeks or so down the road...I would NOT have been a happy camper.

Just do it!

Well said, Amar

The only rp I do is when it is obvious - such as when I was involved in Gor and even THEN it was still the RL me, just wearing different type clothing and in a different scenic setting. Or in the rare times I am in my dragon AV. Still all my RL emotions, etc.

Good thought. I generally make a polite but hasty exit from people who ask for RL info right off, or want to tell me all there is to know about themselves in the first 5 minutes.

ITA that it is 'all' RP in a sense. But definitions may vary. Some see it as a program with which to reach out to others in hopes of finding/meeting someone offline. They are open about their real lives (which I think, frankly, is dangerous - physically dangerous) and are themselves, just using an avatar to chat with basically. (And go places, but you see what I mean, I hope.)

There are RP zones and groups though, and in that situation people are consciously conspiring to a shared reality based upon the imaginary characters they all are playing there. In other words, it's *acting*. There is a danger of falling in love with the leading man/lady, when you are acting...but wise ones shy away from it. It's easy to confuse acted-out emotions for one's real self, and real life offstage. Think of RP as a stage setting, and the RP words (pre written or not does not matter) as the play.

So it's kinda like your leading man began hitting on you backstage. Personally my red flag goes up any time someone asks me for my RL info, RL pic, etc. Why would they want or need that? Curiosity at best, and to me, that is not a reason to ask someone to jeopardise privacy/safety. For instance, I know "I am okay" and would not be a threat to anybody. But I still don't ask anyone those things, because it is a bad habit to put anyone in - and in the future someone *else* who asks just *might* be a threat to them. (And because I don't want to be hypocritical, since I don't believe in sharing mine either. LOL) If that makes sense...Being online and sharing ideas/experiences can lead to a false sense of safety.

Clear boundaries are key...from the start if possible.

I don't buy his "I was only RP'ing" because I think some part of him 'got off' (Not meant in the crude sense) on getting you hooked on him RL. He didn't want to give that up, which was why the re-contact.

Known a few like this in RL...if I sound a bit teachy on the topic, sorry. But I do disagree there's no such thing as RPing a relationship, any more than there is no such thing as playacting a relationship in Tv or movies or on stage. JMO.

As you say, it's your opinion and others don't share it. I'd be interested to know how if you consider IRC or the telephone to be RP too? After all, you're just text or a voice on them to anyone who hasn't met you.

Wasn't the OP in an RP zone though?

Still, there are people who "RP" 'dating' or such and are not in RP zones. I think that is fine - so long as it's spelled out at the first, or asap, that that is all it is...sort of enjoying SL together, going places etc. If they both enjoy that and it suits them, why not.

As I said it's MY opinion, you don't have to share it, voice is another step I guess, it's yet another medium for communication, you don't know someone from talking to them over the phone.

But hey if you think you can truly know somone you met over the net or talked to on the phone, good for you......I'm not so sure.

The telephone for the most part is a communication medium. you don't use it to meet people for the first time in social settings, or as an entertainment medium in and of itself. As for IRC, I have no experience in that, I can't say. But I do agree to a degree that SL is a sort of RP by default. Your avatar is not you. You control it, you make it look the way you want, but what happens to it isn't happening to YOU. At least in my mind. Most don't agree with this line of thinking, I know.

OK, just wondering, it wasn't an attack.

My point was that although we don't necessarily know people we speak to on the phone, we don't (generally) consider it RP. It's a form of communication we all accept. For a lot of people, so is IRC. I don't consider my interactions in SL to be RP unless I'm in a location that encourages it.

As you said (and I keep taking pains to point out, I agree) you have every right to act differently. It just seems a bit odd to treat one medium exclusively as RP, and another as communication.

I agree I don't consider the phone to be RP.......but I guess it can be, look at 0900 # that is RP. But in general no it's not.

I don't act differently in SL to the way I act anywhere else, but to me it isn't real, it's just a bit of fun a form of escapism. I don't tend to take it to seriously and I guess others do. But each to their own, it is what you make it

Yeah just because I want that hot studly pixel Guy to be really hot and know all the right things to say and do it doesn't make it so, even if I think really, really "hard" about it.
And even if we became friends and we tried to "communicate" all our deepest fantasies and desires but some how He could still be real dud on the pose ball
Or I could go into my own "dud" mode not come out of it no matter how much we communicated about it.
I personally would play the role of the non-confrontation femmy trannyboy who
never wants to say a cruel word to anyone.
He can be the macho stud looking for fun but stays for some odd reason anyway.
This could last for years until I found him cheating or worse and then I could throw a melodramatic temper tantrum about how I have been betrayed, victimized and heart broken.
He could say it was because I wasn't the right gender or real guy enough for him.
He wanted the macho, hormonally driven type of guy, not the polite sissy trannyboy like
myself.
Then I could be just like the heterosexual couples here having wonderful dramatic
romantic firey passionate affair that gives meaning to my boring virtual life..
Oh yes sign me up for that type of RP relationship I need that type of drama and meaning
in my virtual life. (NOT!)
Hehe

Hi Clarissa, Maybe I confused things with the RP reference. I only RP'd with him in the traditional sense a couple of times...donning my vamp mistress persona and going to the clan house to meet up with his friends (what I consider to be real RP)...most of the time we spent away from there doing other things together shopping, exploring, chatting, or him modelling for me while I took photos etc.

Yes I agreed to play his mistress and look after his new charges within the RP situation but I considered the fact that he wanted RL contact to be completely separate from this. Like most here I do not share RL info easily...in fact I have only 2 of my SL friends who I have contact with offworld and even then its through an email address my avi has, not my own personal one, but I'm beginning to realise through the comments on this forum that yes communication was the key to this and I should have laid down the rules in the beginning and I will absolutely be doing that from now on

Personally I believe there is hormonal factor that happens for certain genders not saying all
women or female born or their aren't men who produce certain hormonal attachments to other individuals, because there are but there certain sex hormones that kick
and certain things happen that effect people's judgments.
It is human thing. It hard wired in some people, usually females, sometimes
in men too.
These type of people when you put in the sexual aspect in anything
those hormones kick in they make them want to bond, settle down and have babies kick in...
And unfortunately they don't always bond with those who want the same things.
Add the fact there is problem large mix of people who have some type of relationship,
sexual or intimacy issue that may be experiencing in their first life, that carry over in their virtual life.
They met someone who fits a fantasy.
Brain doesn't know the difference if its virtual or not, in that sense if you're wired
like that in anyway you shouldn't be roleplaying romantic or sexual fantasies because most
likely you're going to get your feelings hurt in big way.
Because most likely you're going to develop attachment to someone who is unavailable.
Communication sort goes down the toilet, when these factors kick in, emotions happen
and things get messy, drama ensues.
If that is your idea of fun, great but I personally don't want to be a part of that, I
bet most guys aren't here for that either if they truly thought it out beyond the "wanna have teh sex now?"

Nah, my girl doesn't really read the forums. No snoopin' through my profile and messaging her either.

It's just, sometimes SL seems a bit surreal sometimes. There is this element of real human involvement and then there is this quixotical side to everything. Hard for me to explain. I've done the online dating thing in the past, but in SL you can carry on a committed relationship entirely within a fantasy world.

Then for me, SL tends to be there for my entertainment and I like to be a bit carefree and relaxed. I very rarely take my time in-world seriously.

Having said all that, we both share RL stuff with each other every day. Unfortunately, she lives in London and I'm from the U.S. so their are logistical obstacles to this relationship.

Hell, I rp a different person from the real me in rl all the time, so the acting out that my avatars do is nothing different. Just don't expect too much consistency.

Pep (That is what language does - allows you to create a fictitious persona)

Wow, that child that I adopted in Africa might have a hard time with this concept. Ditto for the soldiers that I have adopted in Iraq.

Actually the hormones of which you speak, the bonding thing happens as a result of chemicals released as a result of skin to skin contact during sex.
In my experience of sl sex, men tend to become more or equally attached as/than women. They're possession instincts seem to come online after a couple of encounters and they start trying to corral one.