Faithful or Unfaithful

Hello, here's my situation. I've been dating a woman on sl for about 10 months. We've had our issues but have somehow been able to remain in a relationship. We married and had a grand wedding ceremony. We speak several times during the day via telephone and we get along great. Recently she's been away from the pc more often than usual and she's not been involved with projects that we'd planned together. I found out a couple of days ago that she's been using her alt alot. This alt is also married and has a home with her husband. I'm feeling betrayed by her actions and I dont know if I should approach her on this or let it go. When we speak on the telephone and I tell her about her disappearing acts, she tells me that rl has her busy alot(I know that's not true, she's playing her alt). I really care for this girl but I'm ready to call it quits because of her a deceitfulness. Suggestions? Comments?

I am tempted to respond with the punch line of a very non-PC joke.

Pep ("Who cares?"

PS Or the song title by Eddie and the Hot Rods: "Do anything you wanna do!"

For many people, SL is a video game, not RL.

A marriage in SL is not far different from killing a pack of monsters in Warcraft. It isn't real.

Well, I guess a better analogy might be to say its not far different from being on the team that killed those monsters - its still just a video game team, not a real life commitment.

Other people have more trouble maintaining the divide between their real selves and their alter-egos.

When these two types of people come together, eventually there will be conflict.

Jesus.

You knew that she had an alt that was married and you still married her...perhaps the other *husband* also feels the same as you..perhaps she feels she must split her time more equally, who knows...but...why dont you just ask her , youre highly unlikely to get the solution in this forum that you need..

Theres one person who can answer it though..and thats your "wife", tell her you know of the time she spends inworld as her alt..and go from there...discussion is a great thing

I think it's unlikely one will have a satisfying relationship of any kind with someone whose view of SL relationships differs greatly from one's own. If, for instance, you think of them as non-serious play, you'd be unlikely to be happy with someone who takes it all very seriously and believes what is said - and vice versa.

*sigh* I'm sorry; this has to hurt. It's true that in SL it's very easy for people to do this and no way to stop it from happening, but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like crap when it happens.

I think you need to look carefully at what you want to get out of confronting before you do it. Are you okay with carrying on the relationship as is, if she apologizes for not being up-front with you and explains why she wasn't? Do you think you'll have to end the relationship if she can't be yours and yours alone in SL?

Only you can decide whether the relationship is worth preserving even if its parameters have changed. But your discussions with her will go much more smoothly if you know in advance what kind of outcome you are hoping for. If you think you might be able to carry on with her, try to find out why she needed the other life and the other relationship. Maybe you can work out an arrangement that will keep you both happy and satisfy both your needs.

In the end, though, you have to decide if the relationship is worth it to you. If she doesn't view it with the same level of commitment that you do, that may be an unbridgeable gulf.

I think that if she would have told me what she wanted to do, we could have made an agreement. I would never stop her from having the best SL experience that she could possibly have. Everyone has alts for one reason or another and I would never ask her to give up her alt.

then you answered your own question. let it go.

Not quite, 3Ring. I think some talking is still in order here.

SL relationships have one key parameter: time. How much time do you feel your partner should spend with you? How much does he expect you to spend with him?

Here we have a case where one partner is feeling shortchanged. He needs to discuss this with his partner, and either come to an agreement...or not.

There's so many different approaches to online games and virtual worlds.

Some people treat it as "just a game". They don't think about what's happening in-world when they're not there. They often assume everyone else in-world is treating the game the same way.

Some people treat it seriously and as a game. They spend as much time in world as someone who's a good player in an amateur sports club would in practice, and if they can't get in they feel like they're letting their team down. But people not on their team are just obstacles to be dealt with.

Some people treat it seriously and as a play. Their character in SL is a character, but they apply as much time and effort to that character as if they were performing in a play or writing a story. Their character in SL is art and a performance, and they want to provide the best performance for everyone.

Some people treat it as just an extension of RL. They find people in all three of the categories above hard to deal with. But role-players and serious gamers and "just-a-game"ers also rub each other the wrong way at times. For example, this recent story: http://www.nola.com/news/index.ssf/2009/07/loyola_university_professor_be.html#

Some people move between these roles. Argent in other worlds is a role-playing character, but I can't do that full time in SL and run a business, so I have to treat it as both a play and as an extension of RL. Which sometimes makes it hard for me to deal with myself.

i agree a talking is in order. yes.

relationship 101
if the other person does something that bothers you, bring it up in as calm a manner as possible, let the person know why it bothers you, attempt to come to a consensus and then let it go. no communication = no relationship. duh.

I also hate fake stereo separation.

Hi, Smoooth, welcome to the forums.

Your predicament strikes me as not so much related to how seriously - or lightly - a person takes virtual worlds -- it sounds to me like you at least are flexible on that. It sounds like a more basic trust issue - you thought you had an understanding with this person, and now it seems like not only are you not in agreement, but she is acting like she can't level with you and discuss it.

I agree with those who have said that you need to talk, but admittedly it will be a delicate discussion. Somehow she needs to understand that since she has 2 SL marriages going on at once, she needs to be very clear with both parties --- misunderstandings and suspicions will build quickly. Even if her feelings are in flux, she needs to say *something*.

Good luck!
.

I'm curious as to how you found out. Did you invade her privacy in some way, in order to learn about all this? Is that why you're a little hesitant to discuss it with her, because she will be angry at how you found out? Then there will also be that issue to deal with.....

Joe....Billy Bob....Lester....is that YOU?

But I explained all that to you on Day One. You agreed it was OK.

Do you want to change the "Agreement?" Why the sudden change after 10 months of it being "Great?"

Why must you call this "deceit?" Is that Fair?

And why are you asking strangers in a forum.....instead of asking ME?

LOL..funny Mickey.. When we first dated, she had an apartment and everything that was in her apartment was in her alts name...this av that she uses now does not have a premium account.

OK....so let's get this agreement squared away.

It's OK if I do it with the Sally Sue alt.....but not OK if I do it with the Betty Lou alt. Right?

What I find amusing is how often this happens and how easily ppl lie cheat and just act like general asses in SL due to comfort and availability of having alts and hiding behind the computer. It seems u only knew of her alt because u called her on it, so u became involved with her and basically settled in a relationship with her on HER terms from the beginning. IMHO, my advice is to leave her.... she wants what she wants when she wants it.... and u deserve better.

Yes he has alts too.

ok thats not fair - i don't even have one husband

I knew it!

Billy Bob?

yes I have alts too but my alt is not married, he's single with no worries and complicated relationships. I bring my alt out on occassion but not often. I'm quite happy with who I am.

Gosh Lester.....if I were insecure in our relationship....I would be more concerned about your single alt gallivanting around all day, then if he were married. No telling what he might get into!

Thank goodness we can appreciate our 10 month relationship for what it is.....and not get all hung up with insecurities creeping in.....and assumptions messing it up, without talking first.

Glad we talked.