Question for the Ladies with male partners on SL

Of course, Jerboa. What I meant was, compromise is for vacations, who walks the dog, trash detail, choosing a restaurant, and what in laws to spend Thanksgiving with. But the things that you know you need out of relationship to be happy, whatever those things might be, never compromise on them. Never settle just to stay in a relationship, and never adopt someone else's values just to get along or to fit in with what someone else thinks you should be. You'll regret it forever.

Where were you 20 years ago?

Eating a Happy Meal.

I guess you and I can count ourselves lucky to be in such a relationship with our respective partners and have to understand that not everyone holds theirs in the same high regard.

If I'm with someone I enjoy in all ways, I don't need to look elsewhere to get my jollies. Nor did we have to hash out in detail who's allowed to do what. Seems to come naturally.

Certainly, I have no beef with anyone who chooses an open relationship. I just find it unacceptable if only one side is out playing while the other is hurt by that behaviour.
(As this is not a discussion about partners who are oblivious of their partner's online adventures)

I am. I agree. Owning and belonging is just not my thing. I've seen too many real partnerships where "ownership" becomes an issue. Most of my friends want a relationship on equal terms with justifable freedoms - friends with benefits, if you like. That goes for real and sl.
If I was married in real and my husband wants to know where I have been I would tell him to blow it out his ear. I don't need his financial security, his children, or crave his domestic demands. And from what I have seen in the real world, isn't that what a lot of marriages are about?
I guess I am not a romantic in those terms and really have never been so.

But as a woman would put it:
It is easier to pray for forgiveness than beg for permission.

Skell is a lucky guy

Edit: come to think of it, so are you, that av of his is hella cute

It depends on what your SL relationship is with your RL partner. Have you discussed this? If not, that discussion is long overdue. If you agree to have SL lives that do not have to involve each other, then he can go to her place and you do not ever need to see it. If the agreement is to only be SL intimate with each other, he should never go to a woman's place without you. He can have female friends, but any avi-to-avi meetings should be in public places.

My guess is that, whether or not you have discussed this yet, the very fact that you are uncomfortable with this say that you are not going to be open to him having any sort of SL intimate relationship with someone else.
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Definitely time for talking -- and remember that whatever you two decide, you must decide it together and the same rules apply to both of you.

The biggest thing there is that there truly are people that see SL as nothing but RPing and figure that anything that happens online is not *real*. This is why we have the "is it cheating" debates all the time. I know folks that would say an online encounter is not a violation of the wedding vows.

My take on it -- only the RL partnered people can decide for themselves what the rules are for their relationship, what is and is not allowed.

I don't know as guy if I was having problems or insecurities in the real life relationship
and my partner was doing similar behavior even in SL depending on how I was feeling
I might have issue with it.
My first life best friend and sometimes Lover of five years is in SL.
We have our agreements about certain things yet I have had moments of jealousy even though we have open relationship but our relationship is pretty close to rated PG.
If he told me he wanted to keep it "PG" and was sneaky around even here I think
I would feel pretty bad.
I can map him, he can map. If I am messing around he knows it, I don't hide it either.
Yet even in open relationships jealousy and insecurity can come up.

He's cheating and not real good at even trying to hide it. Dump his ass.

Peppy bring up at least one interesting point though... if it's bothering you and you don't discuss it, nothing can be done about it neh? granted froms pep's POV that'd be like changing the rules in the middle of the game, but that's life, Real or Second.

Being male, I am gonna throw more water on the fire. I am married RL for over 20 years and in and out of SL for over 2 years, everything that happens in SL stays in SL.
My RL wife knows exactly what I am doing and it doesn't bother her one little bit. She laughs when I tell her I was at a BDSM place this evening or hanging in a dungeon being whipped by a vampire, she giggles at my enormous penis and helps me dress my female avs. The simple fact is this, SL for want of a better word is just a computer game.

Now I am not saying I am heartless with SL women, I have had several SL relationships - some good, some not so good. But with them all I give 100% of myself and the things SL give me to make them happy and be fun. The women know the score before it all kicks off, I don't lie or hide anything.
I would like to think the women I interact with behave as I do, however I am well aware of personal feelings and the females I interact with, generally view the SL world as I do.(/attaches blast goggles from the female readers).

I agree it's important to understand the SL/RL boundaries. So there are no logged chats, no e:mails, no paying for stuff, no photos, no screenshots, no recorded events, nothing to draw me into a situation, which would be unacceptable to my RL partner.

If my RL partner asks what I am doing, I tell her. But the bottom line is frankly this - she just isn't interested on what happens on a computer screen. She worries about RL things.

You seem to be missing the point (along with most of the rest of the thread contributors. The OP doesn't *KNOW* what her partner is doing with his friend. He might be helping her choose new wallpaper, allowing her to cry on his shoulder over a lost lesbian girlfriend, discussing the World Series or even be building a home as a surprise for the OP. There are ALL sorts of reasons (sexual and otherwise - and who is to say that spending time cheering on another baseball team isn't cheating as much as jumping on a pose ball) for spending time with someone else.

As the information stands, all the OP has asked her partner is to see his friend's home, it appears. He doesn't have the right to grant her access. That is up to his friend. She doesn't want to. That's fine. She has a right to privacy and owes *nothing* to the OP.

So why doesn't the OP ask different sorts of questions of her partner? Like what do they do there and what their relationship is? Or change the (unwritten and unagreed) rules, which she seems to have been happy with up until that point, to make it clear what she considers unacceptable behaviour.

Pep (Take the emotion out of the argument and look at the facts - if you are able)

Actually, just a different point of view.
Your RL partner is having fun along with you and so all is well.

My sticking point here is that one partner is playing while the other one is worried and possibly hurt by that behaviour.

If the OP's partner cared about her feelings in this he wouldn't continue to spend time alone with his friend and I don't care if they're playing tiddly winks.

Obviously, this (possibly minor) matter has had a negative impact on their RL relationship. It's not longer a computer game.

Is he? Do we know that? NO!Is she? We don't know that! All she has done is ask to see his friend's place. She can't be that worried if she hasn't actually talked to him about his behaviourSIC - you are making unwarranted assumptionsDoes he actually KNOW about her feelings? Maybe she originally encouraged him to spend time with others in sl because she felt suffocated by his continuous presenceIt is NOT obvious(SIC again)Again we don't know that. The OP has said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the effect it has had
It can't be that much of an impact if all she has done is ask to see his friend's house . . .

Pep (Why don't you all actually READ what the OP wrote?)

Does anyone else here think that, when quoting someone's post, altering the original message is not only confusing to those who may not realize that it has been altered but probably also a violation of the ToS (if not common courtesy)?

While I realize that it is sometimes done in jest (i.e. "there, fixed it for you" I would think that, for the sake of communication, quoted posts ought to be left as the OP intended them to be read.

My partner, Yavanna, and I are 4 hours apart during the week. Most weekends we get together in real life and often still spend time in SL then (mainly checking business IMs etc). We sit together with our laptops and my son laughs at us and calls us the uber-nerds

My personal code is that I would never do anything in SL that I know Yavanna wouldn't want to see me doing. If the case were otherwise then I think there would be something to worry about with our relationship.

This isn't hard to maintain, no virtual relationship could possibly compete with her (ok, I will be honest, after a year together I am even more totally besotted with her than ever, hehe).

We have both met many of each other's SL friends etc. (We met through SL so each had some friends from before then that the other didn't already know).

Some RL couples are perfectly happy having relationships with others in SL, they agree that SL is SL etc. As long as both parties are happy with that, well that is good But if there is some descrepency between what the parties expect or want (as appears to be the case in the OP) well, then a good talk and guidelines must take place.

I am not a wisewoman, but I do know one thing from my personal experience. Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. Without it things start to crumble.

Speak to your partner/friend/SO as soon as possible. Stress what is important to you, find out what they want and feel. Then, and only then, get on with enjoying your second life - and even more importantly, your first life

Yes.

I couldn't say if it's a violation of the ToS, but it is definitely confusing.

Responding to points in a quote should be done outside that quote, not within it (see above). Doesn't matter if it makes the 'quoting post' longer; the quotee's words should not be edited in any way unless, as you mentioned above, the edits are clearly signalled as intentional.

There, fixed it for you.

Pep (Typing slower to make it easier to read)

I agree. I was in a rush initially and there were so many points on which I felt I had to comment that I thought it would be simply done by bracketing the comments. I was wrong. The points I was making now stand out much more effectively!

Pep (But as this post exemplifies, it makes it a little difficult to follow what was actually quoted and responded to)

"It all just cartoons...."

... until someone's RL feelings get hurt.

I have seen this sort of thing so very often, and it all comes down to couples not really understand what each other's acceptable boundaries are.

I don't care WHAT he is doing with this woman, the fact that you feeling that this isn't the way things should be means he has crossed a line for you.

You both need to sit down and talk about limits and boundaries in SL for stuff that is mutually acceptable. And this needs to be very, very explicit. Write it down if you need to.

You have seen many post here about what THEY do - each couple is going to be different according to their needs. What's important is that you find a place YOU are comfortable with - don't let anyone else tell you what is wrong and what is right - it has to be right for YOU.

Then stick to whatever is agreed to.

Down other roads lies unmitigated drama....

Now compare THAT original post with the hysterical over-emotional reactions, usually from apparent females, but also drawing in a few non-heterosexual male posters too. Draw your own conclusions.

If the OP wanted to demonstrate the extent to which some of the "ladies of the thread" over-react on the basis of what they *thought* they read rather than what was actually posted then the OP has done a wonderful job. Congratulations!

Pep (I can hardly wait for the follow up from the OP, but whatever is said won't change the above)

Interesting to see you're in a similar situation as I am. My RL husband also held me while I cried over a lost SL love, and he's been completely understanding about me having a sweetheart in SL (although he isn't in SL himself). My SL sweetheart is married in RL, and I'm friends in SL with his RL wife. She is partnered with someone else.

She and I were just having an interesting conversation about how it works for us all. We consider it a combination of friendship and roleplay; the feelings are strong, but are tempered by the strong bond we have with our RL partners, and our SL partners are dear friends.

The requirement for all of this is complete honesty. That doesn't mean we show each other our private IMs, and she and I only visit each other's SL homes when invited; but the key is that no one feels like he or she is being deceived or shut out.

Absolutely correct, Roisin. If, for a moment, I let my SL relationship become more important than my RL marriage, then yes, my husband would (rightfully) have a major fit.

Balance, grasshopper