Question for the Ladies with male partners on SL

Are we talking RL or SL here, as if you are talking RL then I'd imagine you are in a tiny minority who would hold this view.

Knowing Jig, it could be both.

I wasn't clear in your OP if this is your RL husband, live-in bf, or bf but you live in separate RL residences. I've always thought it would be really nice if I had a RL for him to also be my SL partner, but as Honeybear says, sometimes that doesn't work.

I can't begin to say what to do, but I *will* relate something that happened a long time ago...

...once upon a time a great deal of internet communication/dating/what-have-you was done via IRC (Internet Relay Chat). I was involved in that medium for (thinks and loses count) MANY years until coming over to SL. For the last 12 of those years I was involved in Gorean rp. On IRC, Gor was a LOT different than SL - probably because it was very new back then and also the text-only environment didn't make for kids out raiding each other with the scripted weapons in SL.

But I digress...

I met a guy who became my RL boyfriend on and off for 8 years there. We were only "Gorean" in rp and vanilla in real. I rp'd a slave at the time (because no one TOLD me there were Free Women, and I hadn't researched that far yet) but didn't have a Master and he didn't have a slave. Our RL relationship was exclusive at the time.

One day my bf came over to my house and we thought it would be fun to go online together. We could open two instances of IRC but had to share my one keyboard. All was fun and going well, UNTIL, this slave came sauntering in wearing my bf's online collar.

Errrrr...HUH?????? Since it was rp, my main gripe was that he had not told me. So, this girl is crawling all over him while I'm demanding (Celtic background, redhead, fiery type) of my bf sitting next to me WHEN this happened, why hadn't he told me, etc. He's trying to make excuses that sounded like she MADE him collar her. Not getting any decent info from him, I took the keyboard and typed in, "Hi, (slave). Just wanted to let you know that (Master) and I are RL and he's sitting next to me right now."

Dead silence for a moment until the girl asked to speak to my bf, at which time she flung off her collar, saying it rightfully belonged to me. I didn't want his collar, but I didn't like info being withheld from me as his RL gf.

So my main thing is....it's never a good thing to hide experiences that are going to cause anxiety to one's RL.

Hope this all works out for you.

You are all missing the point it seems to me. It is not so much what he may or may not have done, or what he should or shouldn't do, but that the OP didn't establish with him what he could or couldn't do beforehand. It is her own fault for making unwarranted assumptions and not knowing her partner well enough to know what he might or might not do. And she has no right to insist on being allowed in to a third parties property, with whom she has no contract or understanding of any kind.

Sorry if I am trespassing uninvited (can you make a thread exclusively "female" on yet another "let's complain about men" thread.

Pep (If you don't lay down guidelines they can't be transcended)

Pep, whenever these threads come up, you seem to be the only male (who posts at least) who objects to them.

I do agree, however, that guidelines need to be established at the beginning of a relationship when it gets into exclusive territory. You can be assured in my above story my bf was WELL aware of expectations, with accompanying consequences if overstepped.

I don't object to the threads, just the apparent (and understandable) bias in the responses. I am not deliberately being provocative, but I do feel that there is too much sympathy offered to people who should know better. People here are not teenagers, but their emotional responses seem to be not particularly mature. or maybe I expect too much, and the sample of participants in sl or the forums is biased towards inexperienced or over-emotional personalities.

And it is probably just that men who have this sort of thing happen to them are too proud or embarrassed to look for sympathy in public.

Pep (Knows embarrassment . . .)

I have to admit I agree with you, Peppy. Sad as these stories are, and the heartbreak is undoubtedly real, but people seem to abandon all the safeguards they employ in RL relationships when engaging in SL romance, which in part is they beauty of it. You can lead a less inhibited and more adventurous life. But when they get burned by it, it's WTF?

I will say upfront that I don't have SL relationships, but have a strong RL relationship, just rounding the seven year mark. We both have friends that aren't mutual friends, but if I were to say "Gosh, I'd like to meet Sally someday, she sounds really spiff" and he said "Sorry, she says you can't visit" I would be....concerned. Not necessarily in a "ZOMG they are holding hands and gazing into the deep wells of each others' eyes when I am not around!!11" sort of way, but I would be bothered that he would want to spend so much time with someone who doesn't seem to like me.

I know, I know, RL!=SL, but still, people still have the same feelings.

I'd say "time for a talk".

I wouldn't ask to visit their home right off though. I might ask to meet them, in a neutral place, or at my home, first. It is after all someone's right to invite who they wish only into their home. I'd be cautios, but not shoot off any flares. Now if they refused to meet me, then there may be an issue. And again, that's their right, but now that puts the ball in your partner's court.

Typical male thinking. What ever happened to asking for guidelines instead of just assuming that it was ok to go screwing around on your mate because he/she didn't say I couldn't?

I read the rules before I play games. Otherwise I assume there are none.

Pep (Reminded of a great fight scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid)

AKA wedding vows

Yeah! Boo Men!!!!!

Oh wait, that's me.

The important thing is to just be clear about it all. Whether that's "You're with me in RL, so that means SL too", or more like HoneyBear's situation, it's important that you both are on the same page.

That's the key, being on the same page. So have that talk. Have it calm, have it open, but have it.

Not a lady but... he's your mate in REAL life and he won't tell you? Oh hell no. Put your foot down, girl. Abandon SL for a bit and poke him to take you out more, get cappuccinos, go dancing, have more sex, because the day that an online relationship takes precedence over your partner IRL, you are in big, big trouble.

As for SL, I'd be miffed as hell to be told I wasn't wanted in the virtual company of my SL partner and someone else. And ditto for anyone who doesn't like my SL partner. Anyone who wants my company better want Skell's too or they can forget about any future hangouts. Hmpf.

/me pets Jerboa on his head.

I'm sorry...typical is not the word I should have used. That goes both ways no doubt.

I'm just saying that it's wrong to assume that stepping out is ok. In order to keep the peace you definately need prior consent...otherwise, why the hell bother having a relationship at all? MOST of the relationships that I know of are considered to be exclusive. SL and RL. Just one of those rules unwritten ya know?

No set definitions other then a 1 on 1 relationship between the 2 of you is mentioned,
so yes I do think it suspicious.

But, I also know some people are weird w/ sharing their internet space/time w/ anyone connected to the person they communicate w/.
Some fiercely, some immaturely so.

Personally, I believe there should be understood boundaries all around, in any case.

It's all a learning exp.

Yeah - I like the bit where women promise to "obey".

Pep (What basis is THAT for a relationship? Except for Goreans of course)

A verbal agreement is not worth the paper it is written on

Pep (To assume makes an ass of "u" and me)

Leave it to Daros to cut to the chase.

Bottom line: if you care for your partner you won't just assume they won't mind if you go play with someone else. You'd have the respect and courtesy to take their feelings into account.

Would you, in RL, say "hey, honey, I'm going to hang out at my friend soandso's place but s/he doesn't want you there. See ya".

If you're an utter cad and looking for a way to end your relationship, maybe.

I know of no person who would not care about his or her partner being with someone else unless they themselves also engage in those activities (which I gather the OP does not).

As we see here week after week, a great many people feel as strongly about their SL involvements as they do about RL.

My rl wife does that all the time.

Pep (Not that I * want * to attend tupperware parties . . .)

More seriously you are making HUGE assumptions derived from an extremely illiberal and moralistic part of society that you apparently inhabit. You are making assumptions about individual choices. You are making assumptions about the basis for relationships being the same as your own blinkered attitude. Just because you are ignorant of other models of relationships (and I could point you at several of your acquaintances who have VERY different attitudes than the one you are being ostrich like about) does not mean that they don't exist.

Pep (You are demonstratiing EXACTLY the naive attitude exemplified by this and recent threads)

Right on. And at its core, relationships are all about fulfillment, period. Be it yours, theirs, anyone on the planet. It's a constant. Everyone deserves to have a mate who thinks well of you, who admires you and thinks you are beautiful, and who is respectful and considerate of your feelings. By all means, sit down and have that chat, and tell your partner plainly what you want from him/her. Tell the truth.

And then, if he doesn't give you what you need with both hands, walk out.

Just make sure to listen to his side too...'cause the giving goes both ways.

Why restrict yourself to just one?

Pep (NOT the standard model in nature, which encourages perpetuation of the species . . .)

And now we know the *real* reason Honey couldn't wake him!

Jerboa (Who is too busy running from hungry kitteh's to settle down)