How does one "fall in love" with an avatar?

Genuine question here, since SL seems to be dominated by many, many couples of varying levels of commitment. Obviously, certain people are together in RL and decided to share the experience of SL, but there are a lot of people who seem to have "met" in-world.

How on earth can you know that the person you have fallen in love with is someone you actually want to be with? Do you hope for there to be an RL component to your relationship someday? Would you fly over to America to be with the avatar you've fallen for in a virtual place? I honestly don't understand this phenomenon; however nice the words and pictures on the screen are, surely you don't know ...

I don't think you need to worry.

How about someone posts a constructive response to a genuine question?

Oh, I forgot, this is the Bitchy Yank Forum - no danger of that here!

i will try to answer this the best i can in my fragmented thought ways... the one ive fallen for i fell for him after many hours talking and doing things we both enjoy...gotten to know his soul first...i went to see him a couple of weeks ago for the first time and i love him even more now...i know he wont hurt me and that he loves me back...he is a very kind man and it shows through even through his avatar

In my opinion, meeting someone in SL is similar to meeting someone through online personals or chat rooms. You never have the guarantee that this will be the person of your dreams, but that's the risk you take with every relationship.

On a more personal note, I met my boyfriend through the Excite online personals (years ago when they existed through the Blind Date t.v. show). After many emails back and forth, we found out that we had many things in common and that a friend of mine was his cousin. This is how we ended up meeting in person and fell in love. We are still together (we will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary in June) and I am happy that I took a chance on meeting someone online. Not all stories have a happy ending, but I believe is better to take the risk than spend the rest of your life wondering "What if...?".

Many, many people maintain screeds of text in their profiles proclaiming their love for Avatar X, while never having met them. How does this work? How can you claim to be head-over-heels for a 3D model?

Nobody is in love with a 3D model. Plenty of people have feelings for other people. Text may be a limiting factor, but it IS possible to get to know someone without a physical component, as millions of internet users have discovered.

Hey, I hate how negative the forums have gotten in the last 6 months or so as much as anyone, but do you really think it's just an American (yank) problem? That's a pretty narrow view, don't you think? In addition to bitchy Americans, I've met plenty of bitchy Australians, bitchy Brits, even the occasional bitchy alien from god knows where, along with lots of nice people from all locations. If you're gonna bitch about bitchin' at least give credit where credit is due.

Now, as for the love question, people have formed attachments via text for centuries. Admitedly it's out of the ordinary, but it's hardly anything new. Ever hear of pen pals? SL coupling is no more than the modern high-tech equivilent. For some people, the emotional attachment formed by sharing the written word with another is just as valid as anything that could happen physically.

I personally would never get involved in such a relationship, but hey, whatever floats your boat.

Being from the South, it's especially funny for me when I'm referred to as a Yank. I'd almost pay a British person a dollar just to say it for me... but then, my sense of humor is rather warped, and I love British accents even when they're just reading the phone book.

As for avatars, It seems strange to me, too. I can understand having a sort of fantasy online, or even making RL friends... but falling in love is more involved than that. You may think he's amazing now, but you won't when you're trying to convince him to throw his underwear into the hamper next time.

You simply can't be sure about compatibility until you spend time with someone in person. I can understand if dating the avatar is just the beginning of the process, but I wouldn't claim to love someone's soul until I've looked her in the eye a few times... in person.

This from a biographical sketch of the english poet Rober Browning:

After reading Elizabeth Barrett's Poems (1844) and corresponding with her for a few months, Browning met her in 1845. They were married in 1846, against the wishes of Barrett's father.

The love letters exchanged by the couple who met through words are famous. This was almost 150 years before the internet.

I have never fallen in love online, but I have made some remarkable and enjoyable freinds. I think it is possible to fall in love with a person for their ideas. Honestly expressed, much of who we are can be seen through the words we use to express ourselves. A suprising intimacy can be reached through this medium, where there is a certain comfort from anonymity. Its not the avatar you fall in love with, any more than it is the real life body, or the rela life brooks brothers suit you fall in love with. It is the heart and mind.

Yes there are risks that the person is not who they say they are, or who you think they are. But we run these risks in out everyday world, or someny people who are unhappy with thier IRL marriages would not be here trying to build SL relationships.

Here at least, you must communicate with the person. You cannot jump into bed on the second date, enjoy the sex, savor the way his back looks in the shower, and ignore that your freinds already see what a perfect asshole he is.

Who really knows what makes two people fall in love?
Jenn

People do the same thing in chat rooms too, without even the 3D model, just the chat.

I met my wife online, but both of us tried to keep things from going too fast until we could actually meet in person and see how we hit it off. When we thought there might be an attraction, we scheduled a real life meet as soon as we could.

Personally, the "I'm deeply in love with someone I've never met" thing doesn't work for me at all. I think some people are probably making mistakes, while others are roleplaying, and still others -- well, maybe it really does work for them. It's a big world and it takes all kinds of people.

The same way on falls in love with a pair of shoes.

Replying to the original question, having not read the entire thread.

Starax and I met through SL about a year ago. He's from England and I live in America. He now lives here practically... well in 3 month increments.

How do I know this avatar I met online is someone I want to spend my life with? Well, deciding to want to meet him wasn't exactly deciding to spend my life with him. He flew here because we were drawn to eachother enough to want to meet. We made that move based on a decision to meet.

Aside from travel time and expenses, this is no different than you getting into a car for a date with someone you've just met last week at a club, library, restaurant, or whatever else. The only difference is that you possible have spent MORE time talking with this person than someone you go out on a first date with in RL.

Do not forget that meeting online these days isn't entirely text based anymore. We webcammed everyday for several months. We spent every bit of spare time we had together online in some form.

It takes being very open minded and perceptive. It's different than meeting up in RL, but in some ways it's better. The distance is a real inconvenience, but he's worth it most of the time.

Also it may be the avatar thats inlove with another avatar... As weird as may sound, role-playing does exist inside a "fantasy world."

For allot of people the love stops the moment they log out. Does it matter what the "object" of a persons love is like in RL, when your just living out a fantasy?

As far as the love crossing over, and possibly meeting someday in RL... Its same chance you take through normal dating. How many people have dated for some length of time; thinking theyve really gotten to know the person in-depth; only to move in together and realize they are just then getting to know "the real person."

I met my RL love through EQ. We attended the same school but had yet to meet before. Got to know each other in-game, finally met face to face, and both knew the feelings of attachment crossed over from game to life. Its been 3 years now (2 living together) and I have no regrets about way we met

It is really hard to explain love to begin with. You can't pin point it down. Its not something you can really see, but you feel it. I am sure people have been decieved before, but when it does hit you... It is just hard to explain. The avatar doesn't matter, but rather the person behind it. The way they make you laugh or the way you care for them when they cry. All you do is care about the person and wish they were right there instead of miles and miles away. But you can't fault pixels if it brings you happiness, it is just a way to reach out. Many people would rather hold the person they love for 1 second then spend hours and hours over SL. Just showing them that you are a real person, makes the difference.

/cry

Amusingly enough I met my RL sig. other in SL. I dated other people in SL and I was play dating, the same way I played a business woman or a porn director. Then when Null wanted to date, I didn't want to because I was bored with play dating and was focused on playing a ballsy business woman. It was actually outside of the game that we started talking and decided to meet.

I think a lot of people in SL are play dating. They are declaring these feelings, but they mean within the realm of the game. I know there have been married couples in SL that were both married to other people in RL. However, some people date seriously in SL. I can understand that too. Because behind the avatars are real people with real emotions. I've had people send me money when my mom got sick and I couldn't afford to eat. Though I have never met these people face to face, I consider them my friends, just as true as my real life friends. Actually, depending on which friends you are talking about, I am closer to some of my online friends than my real life ones. Why can't that be true for relationships? If I can care about people in a friendship way without seeing them, why can't two people care about each other romantically?

And what if you don't know everything about the person? How much do two people who met in a bar know about each other? With time you learn these things. When you meet your love, you learn these things. And if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't. Most relationships don't. That doesn't mean you don't try.

You don't know Lotte, you never really know whats on the end of that monitor or phone line till you meet them, I have fallen in love over the net before with someones personality and we ended up having a child together and being happy for 8yrs

We are still great friends to this day.

I met Fred in here, I got to know him, I fell in love, as did he, we will meet one day and I will force him to marry me and make babies wif me, but SHUSH.. its a secret... well... mebbe not :/

This is the 3rd person I've dated that I met online. To be honest, I hardly go out with anyone I meet in RL anymore. For some reason, I'm hard pressed to come across anyone in RL that I want to go out with. If I don't already feel a strong pull towards someone, I have no desire to go through another "1st date" routine. It takes alot for me to say yes to even a date anymore. I've gotten tired of the whole dating scene and grown very picky. To be perfectly honest, the guys I meet online and end up dating would've likely been looked over by me in RL simply because in a RL meeting situation I wouldn't have already gotten to know them and like them as much beforehand, so the drive wouldn't be there. Online, as long as you're not being lied to, you're getting to know the person inside first, and that can be a very good thing.

Different things work for different people. I'm one of those people that meeting online seems to work out better for.

I met my rl husband in a compuserve chat room in 1996. Had I met him in a pub, I wouldn't necessarily have started talking to him because he wasn't my *type*. However, when we started talking online, we would chat for hours and hours, and we got to know each other from the inside out, not just relying on physical attraction.

We're both in SL and both have virtual relationships with other people. Yes I know some people think it's odd, but it works for us and we have a very happy, strong marriage that no virtual *playing around* could threaten. In fact, we couldn't do the SL relationship thing if we had any insecurities about each other at all !

Don't discount the online thing as a way of meeting people, you might be surprised. 2 good friends of mine - he in the US, she in the UK have recently met in rl after meeting online, and are planning a future together, so it can work, you just might have to kiss a few frogs before you get to the prince, and like any medium where you correspond with people you don't know, if you meet them in rl, stay safe.

i will vouch here for gemmy and scorp...known em a long time <long time for me anyway..> and they are such a loving couple i only hope to be half of that with ons

Thanks Maddy That means a lot.

anytime you sexy brit yous

I have a pair of benchmade Alden cordovan horsehide straight tip bal oxfords like that!

Neehai's boyfriends: Allen Edmunds, Doc Marten and Cole Haan...