What Value Is An SL Marriage, If We Are Allowed ALT's ?

What is marriage worth is Second Life if we are allowed alternative avatars?

I ask this because of what has just happened to me.
My SL 'husband', Ridemaster, got himself an ALT two weeks after we married, January of this year.
Two weeks ago I suspected he was up to something, but kept quiet about it because I felt I was stressed about a forthcoming operation I have to have. Plus I wasn't a 100% sure that there was anything going on. Just a 'feeling'.
That gut feeling became more solid midweek, something happened. So I started to take notice of the comings and goings of the 'three' involved, Ridemaster, Jamie***, and Ridemasters suspected other ALT. (Not sure if I cn put the name here, would love to put the full names involved so people can 'see' them for what they really are).
Everything fitted.
I confronted Jamie***, my best friend, Saturday morning.
I gambled with a few words, and like a good 'un, she spilled the beans. Everything. The lies, the sneaking around behind my back. The secret meetings.
These two both knew my views on marriage and relationships. They knew what a tough time I'd had growing up the way I had with little or no love. (I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone). But they knew about me, my frailties, my weaknesses, my past, my hopes, and my strengths.
And rode rough-shod over the lot.

I know there are people that are in SL to have fun and NOT take SL too seriously.
Others, like me, will be honest and open the whole time they are in here. I wear my heart on my sleeve, good or bad, that's me. And Jamie*** and Ridemaster knew this.
My question is, should we be allowed as many ALT's as we want. Or should we be limited to one, maybe two. ?

Whilst I sympathise with the situation, and would agree that what happened was very sucky, it is unfortunately only too common.

It's one of the main reasons I completely avoid SL relationships, sex and love. Not that I haven't had offers... but I, like you, don't share easily

Too many people seem to forget that 'SL relationships' are based on feelings towards the other person, and when that other person simply doesn't feel the same seriousness about it as you, there will be hurt, sooner or later.

I have a couple of alts, my partner knows all about them and I know all about his, as far as I know. He made sure they were all cross referenced on friends lists etc.

I guess the question is how much an alt is used for sneaking around your LIFE. My alts which aren't specifically linked to my partner hold group names I don't have space for and don't want to go dormant, and little else tbh. Maybe he has things I don't know about, tho I'd find it hard to believe he has time - the central thing is that I know where his heart is.

I'm sorry that you're having this experience, and also about your operation and understandably you're worried and upset about that. You're worth more than the treatment you are getting, I will stick my neck out to say - but some people are a rock to lean on in times of need. Some can't handle it. So it's not so much what is an SL marriage worth so much as "what is this guy worth to you"?

I'd say you can do better both in terms of someone else (when you are ready) and maybe some new friends. Occasional pruning is really vital, lest the deadwood infect the living.

Get out there and enjoy SL, and enjoy sending that brutal LL generated message. Then make sure you look after yourself as that's your priority

I am sorry you have been hurt, not only by your partner but also by a friend . However i dont think ALTS are the problem here, it is the very nature of SL that allows people to explore parts of themselves they never sould in SL, it is the fact that SL is an easy medium to cheat on a partner, because of the way it is set up. Even without alts someone can turn of their visability so that their partner can not easily see them.

I dont think limiting alts are the answer, well in fact i dont think there is an answer as such. Human beings are human beings and some people will decieve others and SL is a good medium for people to play games.

The only thing i can suggest is to do what so many people forget about in SL, take the time to get to know another perswon, and I am n ot talking a week. Dont allow yourself to get close to another person in here (friendship or relationship) until you know them and know them well. This takes so much more than a week of knowing someone and then partnering which i see so often in SL. I knew my partner from day three in SL. We did not get together for over 3 months and knew each other, RL and SL before we stepped into anything together.

I am sory for your hurt, but it is them that is losing out, because in the end decite breeds decite

QFT. I partnered very quickly once, after a bereavement, and for all the wrong reasons (totally out of character too). Bad plan. Virtual or not "marry in haste, repent at leisure" applies. We tore chunks out of each other, I think he's happy now (he's a neautrality to me now but at the time ...).

I did have an alt to hide from the pressure - a very well behaved alt, having said that.

What Eclectic says is spot on, but every person is different. I got mega cautious after that, I don't regret it. When I met my partner I was seeing someone else, but tbh that was pretty shaky as she really didn't know what she wanted and I was fairly much holding back. I was quite torn but time sorted it out - especially as what I am might have been what she wanted but wasn't something she could handle.

It was months before we partnered up and we were due to get married a couple of months ago. Didn't happen for purely techincal reasons (as in connectivity and laptop issue), we'll get round to it some day.

People are usually in too much of a rush and in the long run it's not worth it.

A person gets married in RL and for a bazillon reasons decides to cheat on the partner it is an amazingly difficult to carry off without getting caught. Just look at the TV court shows, watch the We, Lifetime or other man bashing tv channels.

It isn't any wonder the same thing happens in SL. Just a first glance I get the impression you wish add this reason to the list of negatives against alts. Even if alts are banned your partner will just find another way.

IMHO "CX"

Olias, I am sorry you were hurt. When this happens and it happens often, it's very tempting to blame the tool more than the tool weilder. Whilst flipping to another identity is a convenient way to avoid someone tracking their status and see what they are up to, it doesn't stop the fact that is is the users deceit at work. Many, many people have many, many alts. I am sure relatively few of them use them for cheating specifically and anyone of that mindset can do it regardless of number of avatars. I am still sorry this has happened.

Why even bother to go and get SL hitched if your going to go and cheat?

Honestly I will never understand the marrage deal in SL,I seen countless profiles just expressing dier love for the other person and yet there living apart in RL,thats a bit confusing,you love them but are content to live apart?(in RL)

Missy

I am so sorry this situation happened to you, Olias. As others have said, it is not the alt per se that caused the cheating, although it may have made it a bit easier. It is the person behind the avatar bringing his/her own values (or lack thereof) into the online environment.

Any relationship basically comes down to trust. Something I can't tolerate is lying. If someone lies to me, regardless if it is even lying about a "small" thing, I have a reallllly hard time completely trusting that person again.

I'm so sorry this happened to you ((((hugs)))).

Like many people, I also stay away from SL relationships....mainly because I'm in one IRL and tho my fiance is working over seas.....I just see no reason to 'pretend' any kind of romance in a virtual world. I love him, it's really that simple.

I think accountability is something folks too easily lose perspective of in SL. I don't think Alts are the issue.....I think human nature is. In a virtual world, everything is subjective.....even the emotions that people seem to throw around so easily and all too casually. Intentions may be honorable....but even IRL love is a gamble that we often have to work very hard at maintaining.

Recently a good freind of mine also had a very bad experience with her SL partner. She poured herself into a romance with this person and got SL married and not 2 months later he completely changed and was suddenly cruel and his behavior unstable. He left her and then begun to stalk her. She was devastated. IRL.....it takes time to really trust and allow someone in our hearts. SL doesn't really afford us the luxury of ever truly getting to know another person, no matter how 'open' we think they are being. I am one of those open people too......but I have nothing to lose either because I'm not seeking anything from anyone in SL....I'm simply doing my thing, exploring and having fun.

If I were to simplify the whole relationship experience....I'd guess that virtual temptation is rampant. Let's face it...it's the world of pretty people. While personally I could not fathom having any kind of intimate virtual relationship with someone whom I could not verify any 'real' chemistry with.......most folks in SL seem to overlook the idea of chemistry because they can content themselves with the attractiveness of the virtual beings we cloak ourselves in. *sigh* I honestly think that allows a lot of very basic relationship elements to be cast right out the window. Anyone can attract anyone in SL.....and it's only in the aftermath we learn the true nature of the puppeteer.

I think......as much as you may want a romantic experience....you might find you are better treated if you simply focus on friendships. I say this because in 14 months I have made wonderful friends....solid individuals who have not changed their stripes since I met them. Because I have remained single.....I have the advantage of trust....noone expects me to be anything but me.......and noone tries to deceive me because I'm not placing huge expectations on them to begin with. In this way......genuine relationships are formed and ultimately, very real friends.

Again, I seriously doubt alts are the issue.....I think it's good old fashioned accountability.....virtual worlds, while wonderful for some types of things.......are too much like a living dream.....we aren't necessarily responsible for anything that happens inside them once we 'wake up' to our real lives. Or so we believe.

Am i content to live apart from my SL partner in RL?? god no!! (we arent married by the way.. we partnered to be more official i guess, not as a marriage thing). Our RL's however at this time prevent us from being together, there is just no wqay either of us could be with the other at this time, although we do talk about it and would like it when our RL's sort themselves out.

I love the person who is personified on SL at rondo. It is more of a soul connection than any kind of physial attration, although I do find the woman behind rondo very attractive, I dont find her avie that way

Sometimes people have no choice. You cant chose who you fall in love with and if that person is on the otherside of the world you have to wait until the time is right allow you to be together. Just because they are living apart doesnt mean they are *content* to do it.

To the OP.... What you experienced as many others have said, is SL in its typical form - the whole *your life your imagination* that allows both men and women to lie and cheat and then just log off without giving a $hit about the people who their actions affect. Easy to say now, but trust me, finding out something like this in SL is a very similar feeling to RL and the motions you go through are the same. Eventually you will feel better and able to move on, and that is when good old Karma will kick in and bite your ex in the A$$ !!

I feel quite hostile to the idea that alts should be limited to all of us just because some people don't take SL partnerships seriously and use alts to sneak around. I really don't 'get' the whole marriage thing in SL. However, I sympathize with your plight. You trusted people who didn't deserve your trust, and they hurt you badly.

Your former best friend says in her profile: "This is a virtual world...and I choose to make it the world I want it to be. I've tried recreating the real world - and in the end asked why?
So let's not make this world just like the first...let's have fun...be wild...be naughty. Remember, this world is what we make it....and it is fleeting."

Your friend is here to play, and she clearly didn't take your SL marriage as seriously as you did. There are a wide range of different opinions on what the SL experience should be, and there are are infinite reasons that people choose to be here. Some people are trying to recreate a real life, and others are roleplaying. People who wish to roleplay won't really take kindly to the idea that their roles/alts should be limited because people who want to mesh SL with RL have been burned.

I hope that you are able to find people who view SL the same way that you do, and that you are able to trust again, and that the people you find will be worthy of your trust. Best wishes.

I love my SL partner, she's 8000 miles away and I am not at all content about it. But moving to a different continent is not something that can be done just like that. Many SL profiles do express a love that neither partner has any intention of taking to RL, but that doesn't mean that there is not real affection there. And some SL profiles express a love that people are willing to tear up their RLs for.

Not always the way it is

I always swore up and down I'd never get involved ... then that I'd never get married. Then realised I might, but it wasn't right with her ... then realised there's a point to it with my partner, who I wish I'd known from day 1

I don't see the point of all that big fuss stuff and then messing about, other than that the thrill of the illicit is a draw. And so often with friends ... that's the real betrayal.

Hmm I've never had a partner but I've had a Master. If I had an alt I would've told him about it. A relationship where you go into an agreement with someone is important in SL just as is in RL. What is the value of having them or even having friends in SL if you don't nurture the trust and security that other person has given you? It's not easy to find good people in SL just as in RL. They need to be valued when we are lucky enough to find them.

"Your former best friend says in her profile: "This is a virtual world...and I choose to make it the world I want it to be. I've tried recreating the real world - and in the end asked why?
So let's not make this world just like the first...let's have fun...be wild...be naughty. Remember, this world is what we make it....and it is fleeting." "

That was changed from her profile, after she had got divorced from her former partner. Beforehand it was all 'love and kisses' and isn't this the best world ever.
Yes, she was married in Second Life also. A marriage which broke down a month or two before all this.

Agreed that denying alts is not the answer.

People can be deceitful- my first real relationship here ended that way. He wanted someone else and pretended to leave and did not.

I have an ex that will proly tell you I made an alt to hide from him and he is partially right. It wasn't my intent at the time but felt I was left no choice (there's more to the story so don't vilify me- nonetheless, I should have just done it out and out and I did not). Your ex should have come clean - just as I should have come clean. Maybe he will learn a lesson as I did.

I am sorry for your pain- but don't hang on to the past, it is behind you. Look to the future, it waits ahead.

I feel your pain. Seriously. The story is very familiar to me only there were no alts involved. Just real people in the real world. And yes, people are real in SL too. They have real feelings and weaknesses and real temptations. The alts are not the problem. It's the people.

Sounds like you would be well shot of both of them tbh Olias. Let them cause their misery away from you and save your time, energy and emotions for someone more on your compatibility level.

Yes it can get lonely but there's always people out there

I am so sorry you have been hurt. It always seems to happen so fast but sadly not everyone takes that aspect of SL as seriously. There is no same level we are all on in regards to how emotionally involved we get in sl. To many also sadly get a kick out of games.
I never ever thought I would actually "fall" for anyone in Sl..but it jumped up and bit me on my behind, we use to be very vocal about it in our profiles but sadly that made me a target for psycho ex's as to some it will always just be a game and thats not wrong or a bad thing but I just wish people would wake up and realise there are real hearts and minds behind the avatars and their actions have a profound knock on effect.
We have taken things real life and we now just take each day as it comes. Its amazing how slower things happen in this weird place of RL.

To be honest I don't think being allowed alts is the problem because alt or not, if your ex was capable of doing this, he would of done it alt or not. If makes sense.

Sl can feel really lonely when your hurting, so be sure to surround yourself with good friends and find something new to do that you enjoy that is not tied up in memories with your ex. I know this sounds lame and cheesy but you are so much better off without him... If you could watch your relationship with him played out on tv, would you not be screaming at the girl to walk away as he was no good? I know easier said then done

I do know and am very good friends with the girl's ex in this situation. A***, we have been friends for about a year now...I have to say I am very surprised as they were together a VERY long time and whilst I knew they had broken up, I do know all the time they were together they were very serious, so I am surprised that as a result of her actions in part that you are going through this as I would of said she was one who values what an SL relationship can mean.

I wish you the best and I assure you this will get better. Don't be eaten up by bitterness because its only you that will suffer.

sorry girl. some people are just in it for the wrong reasons. i am not certain how you can ever know if someone you only know anonymously can really be true to you.

but i read good news in all of this. you opened your heart and while it didn't end the way you wanted, and you were hurt a little, you had an experience that was daring for you, and you tried something out that was foreign and scary.

hopefully you learned some valuable lessons with this experience that you can now take to RL. maybe take a chance and try some RL love now. baby steps, of course.

best of luck.

against my preference that this forum be as close to RA as possible, as this is real GD, i wanted to input because i sense you are hurting for real, and i hope you can get past that fairly quickly. *hugs*

To the OP: I am so sorry you were treated this way. The other posters are right - the problem is human nature, not alts. Also, consider this: the social norms in virtual reality are even less constrained than in, say, chat. Meaning some people think this is a license to be as rude and hurtful as they can be, then turn around and say, "It's not real." People like that are only well-behaved when they have outside norms restricting them - they have no internal control mechanism. They wouldn't dream of approaching someone in a grocery store and grabbing someone's a** or whatever, because they might get arrested or slapped. People like that are not worth your time.

It must have been horrible for you, considering the RL stress you've been under. But as you see, the people who have replied to you here are very kind and supportive. Doesn't make what happened to you any less painful but at least gives you perspective on how many good people are on SL.

Myself, I have an alt but it clearly states in my profiles who the alt is and who the primary resident is. People who have nothing to hide will usually do this (unless they need to hide from a stalker, and I totally understand that).

You mean that's not allowed???

Thats where you have been going wrong!