House Guest (To make a long story short)

In response to the time question. She has been here since December 26 when she left her parents house without so much as a goodbye. They would not have even known her plans had I not told my Aunt. She got a ride to Atlanta, where I drove 4 hours to pick her up. So if she goes back home, she'll be taking a taxi to the Greyhound Bus Station.

This is all bad, and all wrong.

A "Life Coach"??? LIFE COACH? Jeez!

She is a acting out the role of a "weak" person and you are enabling her. Her parents were on the right track with the ultimatum, but likely they "created the monster" in the first place. It is your stepping in with your (perhaps misplaced), kindness that has allowed her to continue to evade her problems and not face up to herself.

The last thing she needs is to go to a psychologist or anyone else to help her explore reasons as to why she cant get her shit togther. All she will get out of that is a series of *new* crutches and *new* excuses for her to hold on to. Weak people don't need crutches, they are weak because they lust after crutches.

She is the way she is because she always has some ready excuse for why she can't take responsibility for her own life. "Talking it out" with a life coach or a mentor (yourself?), or a psychologist is just going to give her another set of reasons why she thinks she can't help herself. And as long as there are suckers ready to listen to her and hold her hand she will continue with the same behavior (perhaps this is why the life coach dropped her.)

She needs to be kicked out on her own and get a cold hard dose of reality. It happened to me, and as much as it was awful at the time it is the best thing that cold possibly happen, if she lives through it.

Please note I say that last sentence with complete seriousness.

There is nothing like sleeping in a park or on the street or in a homeless shelter to make you realise what the phrase "bottom line" really means, but despite the fact that this is what she needs, some people don't survive the experience and that's a fact.

It's sink or swim time and you have to accept the fact that she might sink.

(All just IMO of course, and because you asked.)

It is a bit different if this has only been a couple weeks, MadamG. Maybe there's still time to salvage the situation for everyone involved.

She doesn't sound very responsible, but maybe if she had some fixed deadlines with fixed consequences it'll force her to take things seriously. If it upsets her that you lay expectations on her, then it really needs to be a take it or leave it situation.

When you agreed to take her in... was it intended to be a "Spa" kind of situation - where you would care for her & let her 're-energize'? Or were you just offering a place to crash - but with the understanding that she'd pull her own weight?

If its the latter, you've already been extremely patient with her, and things are already starting to not work out. I'd tell her that you just can't afford to support her like this if she doesn't have a job by your next pay period or two, and she'll have to go elsewhere if she doesn't.

Hope I'm not being too preachy, Madame

Hah. Back on Virgin he actually read several of my emails on the air.

Funny you would mention that. A couple days after she arrived. I took her on a bike ride because frankly I was concerned about her physical well being and lack of excerise. I thought it would be good for us to get out together alone on the open road and just go for it!

Well she complained the whole way. At about the 5th mile we took a rest. She started going on about how her doctor said not to do any physical activity (I thought BULL SHT!) I gave her the option to stop and wait for me to finish the ride and I'd come back for her with the truck. Well she decided to continue. I encouraged her and praised her for continuing.

We got about 100 yards down the road and she fell...on flat road! I was pissed. Not becuase she fell, but becuase I saw my $800 bike just lying there in the road...
wheels spinning...
my baby (bike) was down for the count...
It all happened in slow motion...
It appeared to me as if she had done it on purpose.... but what could I say?

I left her azz there with her hurt knee which tore through my good pair of leggings and finished my bike ride. Went an additional 4 or 5 miles to work off the frusturation.

So she worked the guilt there most definitley! Well she tried to anyway. Called home and emailed her "friends" like I was the big bad bully that MADE her bike that day.

Tell us your problems chance. Take your time, don't name names, because this is your chance.

Rather than focusing on how SHE needs to take responsibility, you've gotta take responsibility for yourself and realize that you can't make anyone take responsibility for their own actions- they have to learn it on their own- but you CAN take control of your own life and stop letting this little n'erdowell crap all over your carpet while you're trying to make a living.

I used to think that about people like her ... and one of my family members ...

I think we all agree she needs to go, though.

I agree that she does not need any more crutches and excuses. Everyone reacts differently and learns differently. But obviously, she needs another means of obtaining knowledge.

I am anxious to hear what the good Doctor will prescribe for her. What "assignment" or goals he will give her if any and if she will be willing to follow them. She can go get all the Life Coaches and all the shrinks tha money can buy, but I doubt seriously that she will follow their advice.

The appointment is at 10am tomorrow morning. I'll update you all if you are curious as to what transpires from the visit. I think that would be a good neutral format to bring up some of the points that you all have made. She'll probably feel attacked, but then again maybe that's what she needs.

Point taken Chance.

Get her hooked on SL, and make her do chores/get a job/eat vegetables for the right to use it

Oh she wants to play REEAAAALLL bad! Too bad she can't use her credit card because it's delinquent and her parent's stopped paying her prepaid cellphone so she cannot sign up!

Oh well. Life just sucks for some people huh?

1. Pack up her shit.
2. Put parasite in car and deliver back to "parents". Putting her on a bus will probably allow her to give everyone the slip, and she may reappear only god knows where, and she will probably call back looking for a ride/money for another bus ticket.
3. Have a talk with "parents". Simply state your case, and declare that parasite has worn out her welcome.
4. Go home, alone. Do not try to fix this set of broken goods. Leave that to professionals.

Hehe welcome to if it gets her to EAT HER DAMN VEGETABLES!

Upon reflection, I think my remarks were kind of strong.

Probably thinking about my own mis-spent youth.

She does need a good kick in the bum though.

For what it's worth - I think this is really good advice. I had a friend that moved in with me when I was single, that had similar issues and this is what I ended up doing and it worked out - she moved out, found a job and got her own place with a room mate, who she could not so easily take advantage of.

At some point your cousin needs to learn how to assume responsibility for herself and her decisions.

.

This type of story really makes me ill. You and your family have given her your help and kindness and support and she is doing nothing to better herself. I NEVER had any of that. I would worship the ground you walk on if I had family like that, an opportunity to go to college would have been a dream for me. I left my parents house when I turned 18 because I couldn't stand being treated like a 5 yr old when all I did was work my ass off to buy myself my first car and other necessities. My parents were pretty strict for no reason as I never gave them reason to.

I ended up moved in with my boyfriend at the time who ended up being abusive mentally and physically and making my life hell. I didn't have the opportunity or funds to go to college but I got an ok job and did what I had to do to survive on my own. I lived by myself and had hard times with little to no food, no tv, no computer, no health insurance and I have severe stomach probems at times, trying to pay for medications with no insurance, doctor visits, etc. I had no family to help me, but I did what I had to do even though I wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep forever.

Basically it sounds to me as if everyone has given her chances to better herself and she just wants to sit on her lazy ass and veg out and give up jobs in 'hopes' of something better. Well sometimes you have to take whatever comes your way and go from there. She isn't disabled nor unable to work. She needs a swift kick in the ass and needs to see people who have it bad and then maybe she will wake up and smell the reality coffee.

Honey... you need to find your backbone. Quick. Before she bleeds you out of house and home and all that you hold holy and sacred.

Kick her out. Yesterday. You are letting yourself be a doormat. Why?

(eta)

You know, I am much, much, MUCH less concerned with what should be done with her. She's a user and an abuser and she will either get her head out of her posterior now or later. The best you can do is get out of the path of the trainwreck about to happen.

But you, on the other hand... what are you going to do about you? Quit worrying about the one taking advantage of you and take care of yourself!

This will NOT get better. And you can't fix her. send her home and let her parents deal with or support her.

I know because I and my sister were both that way. My sister now lives with her loser of a boyfriend, in a motel, on the other side of the country, with their baby boy. If i had to guess I'd say she's probably using again. I love my sister, but she's old enough to screw up and I can't save her. I do feel sorry for the baby.

Personally, I lived with my parents until I was 24. There was a year or two when I was out of the house around 19 and 20. I was always broke, interviewed but didn't want or get a job, they paid my tuition while threatening to stop at any time if I didn't a) show them my grades b) pick a major. They covered my expenses when I overdrew my account. They did everything you're doing for your cousin and not once did it help me. It didn't encourage me to get a job, it didn't encourage me to move out, eat better, get off the internet, leave the house, nothing. I'd like to say I turned over a new leaf, and I sort of have. I have a pretty good job, and an appartment, and am not currently in the red. However the reason I moved out was actually because my parents fought so much I couldn't stand to be around them anymore. That doesn't relate I suppose but the point is what you're doing only makes it worse. She will mooch until you've been drained dry.

ZsuZsanna is right. Some people will love you for giving them help and opportunity. They will sieze it and make the most of it. but some people will take advantage of it. The second type will not spontaneously become the first type.

Speaking of which, ZsuZsa, I like your forum title. My sisters loser bf claims to be native american though I don't think he really knows (looks hispanic, comes from an hispanic town, you do the math), but behind his back we nick named him Jerry Runs With Scissors .

We went to the appointment as planned. Every question he asked her was answered with a lil giggle and "I don't know".

Why are you here today? "hee hee I don't know.".
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? "I don't know."
Why are you satisfied with C's and D's? "uhhh I don't know. I'm just trying to graduate"
What are your goals while you are here? "I'm not sure."

When he asked her what she was unhappy with in her life, she had no answer. He tried to sum up what it was that she needed to work on but he really couldnt find the words himself. He explained to her that when people make a decision to see a licensed phsycologist that they usually come to the table with a goal, or a problem. But she does not seem to think that she has any problems and she thinks it's funny too. That's what I gathered from the whole conversation. Not only that but she feels that she is a responsible person as well. That actually came out of her mouth.

Aye Yie Yie! Non capisce!
So pretty much I learned 3 things:

1. She does not know what the hell she wants.
   
2. She is content being less than mediocre.
   
3. She thinks it's funny?
   

Last night I cooked a nutritious meal ON PURPOSE to test her. I went to her while she was stalking MTV ppl online and said, "I made dinner, you can come and eat now." I told her what I made and she pretty much blew me off without saying 2 words. I reminded her of her nutritional goals and said, "Now is the time to start eating right...no time like the present."

What did she do? Stayed online until I shut the connection down via the router from my laptop. (Hee hee). Then she went to watch more MTV re-runs. I got up at 1 am becuase I forgot to put the food away. She had not touched it and was downstairs on the computer again!!! She scrambled when she heard me coming and went to her room.

I put a block code on the long distance so she asked to use my cell phone. It was free after 9pm so I let her since it was barely charged anyway.

Today I think I will have to start getting on her nerves by making up rules. I am home ALL day today so I think we are going to have a lil party in here. I will be cooking farkin Brussel Sprouts and liver tonight mmmm mm good! I have told her that I am not buying anymore junk food and that bed time is at 10 pm for those of us in this house without jobs.

I think she is getting uncomfortable with all da rulez!

Good start.

Why do most people keep suggesting she be sent to her parents? I mean, I know it's their fault she's so farking irresponsible, but c'mon guys... she's an ADULT. 23 is more than enough time to be out of college, in a job, at your own place, etc., etc. She's not a girl (even though she does need to grow up).

Parents don't realize they do their kids a disservice when they *spoil* them like that.

For her sake, I hope people stop babying her and set her out on her own. Like Dianne said, she'll either sink or swim, but it's her choice.

Agreed and I speak from experience. I too was like this girl. Finally, my mother thankfully practice some tough love on my ass and she did the following...

1. Stopped giving me money (with the exception that it was for emergencies like if i needed medicine for example and even then she wouldn't give me the money directly, she would buy it and give it to me).

2. Locked the doors at 11pm. (I had a key only to the regular lock, not the deadbolt.) So, if I wasn't home by 11, that was too bad so sad for me.

3. Gave me a deadlines and stuck with them.

4. Was open with me and explained why she was doing these things.

There was more but these are a few of the main ones and it worked. I wasn't happy about it at the time, but I got my butt in gear. Now it is 10 years later and I don't depend on my mom for anything but love and support. Plus, I give it in return. I am grateful for how she handled things, had she not, who knows where I would be now.

MJ

Oh man does that sound familiar . I went to a psychologist too. And answered almost exactly that way.

But the truth is she did answer honestly. Part of the problem for me is I had no idea why I was doing anything. Still don't really but the why turns out not to be all that important. It wasn't depression or a deep question about the meaning of life. It was just that I had failed to realize that at some point people are going to stop telling you what to do with yourself. hehe, they usually still tell you what you're doing wrong, but not what you should be doing. If you're really dense you get stuck between "you can't tell me what to do" and "I don't know what I'm doing and nobody will will tell me".

As far as her thinking that she's a responsible person. Well, I don't know her but when I said that what I meant was I don't do drugs, or commit crimes, hang out with the wrong crowd, or hurt anyone. lol I used to throw that in my parents face when they did confront me. "Hey, look at all those losers! at least I'm not like them". I was just as bad, just less of a risk taker.

Deep down she knows there's a problem, but at the point she's at she's burried it so deep that it never even enters her mind anymore. The giggling is a combination of uncomfortable twitch and defense mechanism. If you look happy, people tend to just shake their heads in exasperation instead of yelling or trying to "help" you. That and if they do loose their cool and get angry, then it's a perfect position from which to guilt trip. If you ever manage to corner her (a very difficult thing) what she'll be feeling is intense embarrassment and probably a little anger.

The psychologist did me no good. He's exactly right, he can't help unless the person comes with a goal. Psychologists don't fix you, they just help you manipulate your own mind so you can do what YOU want to do. If you don't want to do anything then he can talk until he's blue in the face and about all he'll do is teach her more mental defense tricks.

My dad thought exactly the way you do. He was just floored that I wasn't upset, didnt' want anything more, and that I thought it was funny. He used to say, "I'd kick you out, but I can't convince myself that you wouldn't go live on the street". and I would just grin and shrug.

heh, I don't know that any of this is helping but I'm hoping maybe to give you some insite into what's going on in her head. The only advice I can give is that shock value means nothing. All her internal defenses are braced against it. outrageous statements, warnings about dire consequences probably won't get through.

What will? well that might be different for everyone, but discomfort works well. MJ's mom's method would probably have worked well on me. my own parents just sort of made my life more and more uncomfortable. Just block her at every turn. disconnect cable, knock her offline frequently or completely. feed her nothing but healthy food (she'll eat if she gets hungry enough). don't do her laundry, throw her in the shower if she tries to skip a day or two, don't pay her bills If you talk to her look her straight in the eye even if she tries to avoid eye contact. Just don't ever give in. In the back of my head it was always a little bit of a mind game. of course my dad was psychologist himself and I was pretty competitive up until about Jr High so that might be specific to me .

In other words what you've started to do seems exactly the right approach . I said earlier that you can't fix her and I meant it. But you could prove me wrong and I think that if you can't, well, then she'll probably try to go home which at least will relieve you of the responsibility. and whew, yay for writing books.