House Guest (To make a long story short)

Sorry this is so long...

I would like some of your honest opinions on how you would deal with this situation:

My cousin who is 23 years old has 2 parents who are (were) paying for her education. Her father is a professor at a local University and would only pay tuition if she went to and finished at that same school...or at least a school in town.

Well she claims that they had some disagreement. So she went to another school about 8 hours away. Her parents warned her not to do this because they would not pay the out of school tuition.

To make a longer story a little shorter, she has racked up a $9000 US tuition bill and some other credit card debt I am finding out.

Well, I felt sorry for her and before I actually knew how bad her situation was, I invited her to come and stay with me because she was repulsed at the thought of living at home again. I figured that she could get a job here for this and maybe next semester and perhaps she could finish school here...you know like an adult would do. It would take at least a year to pay off that tuition bill at minimum wage working a couple of jobs. So after a year, she could apply for in-state tuition.

Since she has been here, I have persoanlly escorted her around town to fill out at least 30 job applications. I had to go online to renew her drivers license for her b/c her CC and bank accounts are overdrawn. But she can't drive any of MY vehicles b/c she cannot pay insurance herself. I offered to sell her my 99 Neon for $500 broken into small payments once she got her first check and could pay the insurance.

She had some money from Christmas which is running out. She spent $95 on her hair, $15 on her eyebrows, $5-7 here and there for fast food (because she won't eat vegetables and regular food (hates pizza)). So her money is running low and I refuse to give her ANY! She has everything she needs right here. I even offered to do her hair for her. Why did she need it done any way? /Shrug

So she got a job offer 2 weeks ago DURING an interview while I waited outside for a half an hour and guess what she told the lady, "I'll get back with you because I have some other opportunities I am looking at" WTF? She spoke with them again a couple days later and agreed to start TODAY (Monday) at 2 p.m.

So another job calls and tells her that she may be starting the next couple of days and that they would give her a call back (This was on Friday). She completely blows off the first job today thinking that she'll just take the second job...but guess farkin what...

2:45 p.m. "Sorry, that position has been filled!" LMAO
Do the math.

OK, so now she wants me to drive her around some more to more interviews and to get MORE applications. She is making long distance calls on my telephone and LYING to me about it when I can press redial and SEE where the frik she is calling. She tried to FORGE her mothers signature on her student loan application to pay off the last semester's bill and asked ME to mail it! Not.

She stays on the Internet all days stalking MTV reality show people, hunting down their email addresses and sending them needy messages. If she is not doing that she is watching re-runs of the Real World or she'll slide in her Nick and Jessica DVD like she's reminissing over her own life while I cook, clean, and pay the bills. The electric bill was $335!! She keeps her electric blanket on all night and I suspect is blasting the heat when I am not here.

I found out that she has anemia and has had 2 blood transfusions in the past 2 years...but yet she will not eat vegetables or anything that would help her stay healthy. I stopped fixing her plate at meals because she just throws it away after picking at it. I stopped buying chips and junk food, because she'll eat it all within 3 days. If she gets sick and has to go to the hospital...she's outta farkin luck because had she been in school, she'd still be covered under her parent's insurance.

Welcome to the REAL real world!

So.
Am I being too nice? Should I be more direct with her? She's getting a damn good deal here. I didn't want to be abrasive. I wanted to be more of a friend to her. But it seems like she really needs parental guidance. I feel like I have a teenager in my house. But the bad part is that she's not my child and I cannot raise her again. What I am afraid of is that I will say something really mean and she will leave and get hit by a truck or something. How can I be more effective in helping her to grow up? Should I confront her about everything I find or notice? Or should I just send her home?

What would you do?

You're a sucker.

I would contact her parents and let them know what she's been doing and maybe they can have a talk with her. Other than that, you should set a deadline -- say 2 months -- for her to get her act together or she's out of the house.

I would also assign some chores for her to do.

She also seems *very* depressed. She needs to see a shrink. Luckily she has health insurance, which should cover that.

Hang on, are you saying you haven't even said anything about this to her?!?

ahem.

Also, she's 23.

She's nearly 2 years older than me.

Give me a break. She sounds like a complete deadbeat. Emailing reality show people? This is NOT normal. She is also ignoring her very real health problems which is self-destructive.

I reinforce the shrink option and also I think you should send her back to her parents.

On the plus side, this has made me feel a lot less like a waster than I have been recently.

Lately, I have been mentioning things in passing. Like, "Was that your sister on the phone? If you are calling her, are you using a calling card?" I say in passing because she has been avoiding me like the plague for the past week. She stays in her room most of the time and comes out at night to use the computer.

Tell her to leave. One of two things will happen, she'll either grow up a little and become a better person, or find someone else to mooch off of. Be polite, but firm. If she gets angry/accusatory remind her of how generous you've been and re-affirm that you need your space. Don't blame her, but make it absolutely plain that the welcome is over. Give her a date, say like, February 20th and tell her she has to be gone by then. That gives her a solid month to secure a job, apartment and any other needs she has.

From the way you've told the story, you've been more than generous and either she's just looking for a free ride or has become too comfortable letting someone else take care of her. If she's a freeloader put her butt out, she'll find someone else or grow up. If she's stuck in a rut, this will help jar her out of it. By not blaming her and turning the situation into "I prefer to be alone" will allow her to leave with some dignity and keep you from being the bad guy.

Above all, stick to the date and be polite. No matter what she does during that month, stick to the leave date. She will probably make half-hearted attempts to appease you. She may even find a job, but if you waffle on your commitment, she will lose it first chance she gets.

From the way you've spoke, she's able bodied and her parents are willing to take care of her. You have to do your own thing, and can't be strapped with someone who won't even take care of themselves. In short you said it best:It's fine to have principles and standards and a will that you refuse to bend. Personal quirks are ok, as are odd eating habits and frivolous indulgences. But there are consequences to your decisions, and it sounds like she hasn't figured that out yet. The longer you let her cling to you, the harder it will be for her to accept that.

This cousin has so worn out her welcome and taken advantage of your generosity and willingness to help. Wait until you can be home for two days (like over the weekend), and then tell her the night before that she has two days to vacate your abode. Don't give her any more suggestions what to do. Don't contact her parents yourself. Don't waiver if she pleads for mercy or another chance from you. Stand firm and keep an eye on her until she is packed up and gone, then change the locks.

In the long run, you are not doing her any favors by enabling her childish behavior. She's going to have to sink or swim as an adult, you've done quite enough to try to help her. Cut her loose.

That's how I feel too. But you hate to admit these things when it's your own family in question. She had a "Life Coach" who she emailed and spoe with on the phone until just recently. The life coach dropped her claiming that she felt she was doing her a "disservice". I have scheduled an appointment for us to go together to a clinical phsycologist to mediate, because I feel that I am an implosive person and may implode on her shortly. However, this is at my expense and I feel that she may have more issues to address than mere communication.

It sounds like you have serious issues to address as well if you are letting a 23 year-old girl walk all over you, lie to your face, disrespect your home and good will and all you're thinking about doing is taking her to a shrink after this long.

And yes, I've had way too much Jeremy Kyle for my own good. But still...

This is actually not what she needs -- though it's a nice step to take, it's also at your expense.

How long has she been staying with you? (Just curious, though this doesn't change my stance)

You are right, she definitely has more issues than communication. She is in a depressive hole, and she needs a professional to talk to who can guide her. She also needs to be at home with her parents who can deal with her more effectively (She's basically on vacation right now). It is important that the psychiatrist or therapist has access to her folks because they are the ones who can moniter her mental and physical condition closer than you can.

Some people can snap out of a rut, others can't; that whole job messup was really her way of avoiding any job at all -- she was probably hoping the whole time during the job interviews that no one would call her back or hire her so she'd have an excuse ("No one wants to hire me".

I have some experience with this with my own family members. It's really best that she be with her parents. Make it SOON.

OMG! I was just watching that! You get in in the US too?

Unfortunately she seems to have a lot of problems (self-created) that.. by the way.. are not your responsibility to fix.

I'd have to go with Broken on this one.

I just don't want to do something impulsive and regret it later. I have been dragging my feet and contemplating several ways of dealing with this hoping that setting a good example would be enough to help her. But I guess that approach is not going to work.

I just feel that since I invited her, that I have made myself responsible in part. So I want to be sure that I handle it correctly...whatever way that is.

No. I've been listening to Jezza's radio show for years via the internet.

The fact that you've put up with her this long shows how much you really care about her.

But you've got to draw the line when you are no longer comfortable. You seem genuinely interested in the well being of others, and as such can probably give more of yourself than most. But you have to understand and accept that it's ok when you need to withdraw. It sounds like you're at the end of your patience with her. It's time to either let her go or find someone else to share the burden.

I can't tell for sure if you believe she has a serious mental condition, but if you do, then her parents and a professional definitely need to be involved. You won't be able to help her on your own if that's the case.

Broken Templar should be a counselor, if he/she isn't one, so good was that advice. (Though I'd be hard put to give her till February 20th.)

This isn't your responsibility, and it certainly won't be your failure. You have already offered what a very nice person would, so out with her and stand firm - this girl may be very accomplished by this age at pulling the guilt strings.

coco

Needs to grow up and start accepting responsibility.

It sounds like you care for this person even enough to let them live with you for free. Time to change it and as you help her you help yourself. I would have her read this thread. You already wrote it. Explain to her that you care a lot about her well being and if she's willing to do this on her own, with your help. Then she's not going to be asked to leave.

School?? If you can't pay for it then its time to get 1, 2 or even 3 jobs and forget about school for now. Get off your butt! Later apply for some grants. * I mean like 300 of them and you will probably get 12 or more but it could pay for your complete schooling.

Work is not just work. If I gave you a million dollars but you had to work, what job would that be? That is the job you enjoy or direction you should be looking in. Sorry the computer isn't making you money.

Start an "Emergency Fund." You can start out small and each week she gives you as an example: $100.00 $50 for you and $50 for her Emergency fund. You keep the Emergency fund out of her reach. (Not in the house). Save up to $500. Still after the Emergency fund is reached you keep the $100 monthly as rent, food electric etc.

Medicine, Medical, etc.. comes out of the Emergency fund if needed but once money is spent from the Emergency fund the budget will make up for what was used when the next budge is done. This will also be held ($500) if she decides to skip or move on and something is damaged or not paid etc.. If she learns and can keep an Emergency fund without spending it then down the line she should be able to take control of it.

Time for a Budget!!! A true down to the penny Monthly budget. Fill out a budget which you can find online and print it out. "EVERY DOLLAR" is spent on paper before the end of the month. If something like an Emergency comes along use the Emergency fund, but it must be an Emergency and the money must be returned to the Emergency fund in your budget at the next pay cycle.

Have bills.. Cut up the CREDIT CARD! Use a visa check card where you know whats in your account. Have weekly cash in your pocket and leave the card in your wallet for when you need visa. Cash hurts more when you spend it so try to avoid using the visa check card.

Start paying your bills out of the budget. Minimal payments on the credit cards but keep all your bills current. Take the smallest loan/credit card bill and the money you have left and start attacking your smallest bill until its gone. Then move to the next smallest bill and start attacking that one. *Do not create more bills or credit bills. Think of the money your losing in interest.

Look up information on this:
(Student loans you will always have until paid off no matter if you file bankrupt or not!)

Deferment or Forbearance:

Under certain circumstances, your Loan payments can be reduced or suspended for a determined amount of time. While in deferment, your payments are temporarily postponed. Interest payments are required for unsubsidized Stafford Loans, but not for subsidized.

If you are temporarily unable to meet your repayment schedule but are ineligible for a deferment, you can apply to receive forbearance on your loan for a specified time period. During forbearance, payments are postponed or reduced, but all borrowers are responsible for the interest that accrues during this period.

Deferment and forbearance is not automatic; it is subject to the approval of your lender. You should continue to make your loan payments until a request for deferment or forbearance is granted.

Good Luck and I hope she cares enough about you as you do her. If not then you've done all you can do. Later if she can show you that she's growing up and a budget is working well, she could eventually make up with her parents and explain how she's been taking on her responsibilities. They may work with her in the future. Think as if this were her child doing this to her. Just because of school she's not talking to her parents??? They always Love you no matter what you do... Swallow your pride (cough), go tell them what your doing and gain some respect for them and yourself.

You're doing a disservice to yourself by letting this girl trounce all over you, wreaking havoc in your life, and you're doing a disservice to the girl by validating her behavior with months of inaction. The best thing you can do for both of you in the long run is kick her out.

She is NOT your responsibility. Kick her out, give her 30 days notice to be nice so she can suck up to mommy and daddy and make arrangements to go home to them.

Quit taking her to interviews. There is a bus. If she doesn't have money for the bus, she can walk her butt to it. If she can't walk to it, then she needs to figure something out. It is not your problem.

HUgs and good luck. But KICK HER OUT!! and quickly.

ALso, if you can handle it. Totally disconnect the internet while she is there for the 30 days notice. No way to get around that. I plan on using it myself IF my kids ever get totally out of control and unreasonable when they become older.

Don't be rude and mean, but do be firm and let her know this is how things are. Block the long distance or shut it off entirely, and resort to using pre-paid calling cards if this isn't a real huge pain for you. I do it now and it's saved a lot of money on my phone bill so I will be staying with it. (Costco has a great calling card if you have one nearby)

Did I mention, KICK HER OUT!?!? If she can keep sponging off relatives, then she will never learn how to take care of herself and will never accept responsibility for her own actions.

I hear what you're saying on the friend front, and think thats a great idea.. But if she was doing this to a friend, they'd have tossed her out by now.

She needs a sit down talk and you need to make it clear to her that if she doesn't do what you say, she will be out, her bags will be packed and on the front lawn. It also sounds like she needs a talk with someone about her health.

P.S. Guys, I thought I was the only Jeremy Kyle freak out there?!?!

MadameG - I'm in somewhat of a similar situation myself, without going into detail.

Hehe - for some reason its easier giving someone else advice than listening to it yourself - so..... here we go...

The blunt truth is that you are enabling her by doing what you're doing. She will continue to test boundaries, tell you what you want to hear - and I wouldn't be surprised if she attempts to lay on the guilt thick if you try to reign her in.

If this has been going on for anything more than a couple months, for the love of god, you need to share some of these frustrations with her, in the nicest way possible.

Maybe write them down on a list - or a letter... and share this letter with her.

You need to start giving her fixed deadlines - tell her up front that if those deadlines are missed, she's got to move out.

I've been an enabler in a situation similar to yours for going on 5 years now. Trust me, the longer it goes on, the more entangled the web gets, and the harder and harder it becomes to get out of it.

Good Luck!