Once upon a time...

...doopiddy doo!

with those words, the robotic shark jumped out of the water and transformed into a crystal submarine. inside were 4 oopma loompas wearing chef hats and talking excitedly. wonka turned to Lily and said ...

...."Would you like a crumpet or maybe a chocolate eclair? the Oompa Loompas are quite talented chefs". Lily, dumbfounded, replied....

"Um, a crumpet. I stay away from eclairs. I don't trust the cream filling."

Joe looked askance at Lily. "None for me, thanks."

The escalator landed on the rear deck of the boat, and Wonka impatiently pulled them up the promenade. "Come into the library. I want to show you my cow."

"Goddamn it," Joe muttered, "I have had enough of cows."

Lily followed Wonka, somewhat less hesitantly than Joe, who was still wearing velvet pants and was aware of snickers behind his back (from Oompa Loompas, of all people).

Wonka led them through a door to the aforementioned library, which was tall with books (indeed, it was a wonder the room even fit on the yacht). Lily gasped when she saw the creature in the middle of the room ...

before Lily could manage a word, Wonka explained. "His name is Schmeigel. He claims to know where the precious is that the holy cow is in search of. Edward, my head Oompa Loompa, managed to get him to speak with us. I beleive he is the key to..."

the success of Walmart."

Joe continued to look at Lily's coat in dissaproval, while shaking his head like a 70's Jimmy Hendrix fan.

Meanwhile, back in reality, in a forum thread titled 'Word by Word'. Somebody was adding the word "a" and not realizing the implications it would have upon the uncertain future of the universe. It would mean that...

...a visit from uncle Shelgaphen was immanent, because somebody lacking manors had inserted yellow frosting into orifices, in the dark and ancient crossover ritual of reappostance.

"They're trying to defile the Holy Cow, and corrupt it, with lemon-frosting.", Wonka clarified.

"Yes, uncle Shelgaphen's bloodline has guarded the Holy Cow for 16 generations, they have. But he is the last of his line, and too weak to protect the blessed udders of the Holy Cow!" Schmeigel added.

"And what he's trying to say is, if that lemon-frosting is not removed from the Holy Cow's cavities by the stroke of midnight, all parallel worlds and timelines and threads and planes of existance will collapse in upon themselves!", Wonka finished.

"But what do you need me for?" asked Joe.

"Your intrinsic mineralization emanates inimical vibrations, in inverse square to the distance from our most Holy Bovinity's nexus of pandimensional lemony liniments," said Schmeigel.

"What!?"

Wonka explained, "You're allergic to reality rifts. The closer you get to the Holy Cow, the worse things will get for you, so we can use you like a dowsing rod to find it." Then he picked up a stuffed Holstein toy and tossed it. "This may speed things up a bit. Check the label."

Joe looked at the label. "It says Made in Hong Kong!" He exclaimed. "No! The OTHER label, you fool! snarled Willy. Joe fumbled with the toy cow for a moment, and upon finding the other label he read...

"The Secret to the Holy Cow is milk." said Joe.

"milk?!" yelled Lily. " all this time it was milk?!"

Willy replied, "yes, my dear. you see, the Holy Cow...

makes Milk."

"Holy Udders. Yes, I know."

"Magic Milk."

"Magic. Really."

"Yes, as in, magic of the purple haze variety."

"My Bovinity's precious product of prescience," said Schmeigel.

Joe's metaphysical condition was like the catholic stigmata, but instead of bleeding he began lactating, and painfully chewing at nonexistant cud as Wonka's submarine/yacht the S.S. Ol' Bastard sped towards a small secret island off Florida's coast. Suddenly Joe let out a loud "Moo"'ed in agony, which greatly pleased them all because it meant they were on the right track, and getting closer.

It had been the milk all along, and within 15 minutes of Wonka pulling some strings with a call to the Dairy council, the image of the Holy Cow was plastered over every milk carton in the continental US. A tourist tipped them off to the boatman who had taken the fat cop and the Holy Cow to this unknown island, that the natives called ...

Taco Bell.

"You're kidding, right? Lord knows I wouldn't mind a burrito," said Joe.

"Mmm, fish tacos," said Lily, looking out the portholes on the bridge.

A crab swam by, chased by a grinning chef with a curly moustache and a giant cooking fork.

Wonka said, "No, no. Yum! won the Franchise Wars back in '09, so..."

"So?"

"So now all island chains are called Taco Bell."


Meanwhile, an Oompa Loompa in a French maid's outfit examined the wreckage in the library. "Pigs," it clucked, and stooped to pick up the crumpled candy wrappers and crumpet crumbs scattered all over the deck.

The docked the boat in the port named "beef burrito with extra cheese" and tied it off. they stepped out onto the dock, and Lily jumped into Joe's arms when the docked yelled "OW!" "pardon us" apologized wonka and Joe looked into lily's eyes and said...

"I think... I think that..."

but then he doubled over in agony, and dropped Lily to the dock. The dock shouted, "Ow, girl, why you wearin' those stiletto heels?"

Lily put her head against Joe's. "Honey, you've got to stop hurting yourself like that."

As Joe shuddered, a martinet in a uniform covered in scrambled eggs marched up to the party and ...

...then the entire universe crashed leaving behind nothing but Lily's pink coat.

Credits :

Joe - Samuel L Jackson
Lily - Uma Thurman
Willy Wonka - Philip Rosedale
Holy Cow - Bessie
Obese Cop - Louie Anderson

*applauds*

Stunts:

Chen Whorfin
Chen Ya Ya
Chen Fish
Chen Coyote
Chen Smallberries
Chen Careful Walker
Chen Many Jars
Chen Littlechen
Chen Thorny Stick
Chen Two Horns
Chen Icicle Boy
Chen Nephew
Chen Wood
Chen Take Cover
Chen Bigbootie

In which we learn from investigative reporting that:

1. Joe is the real pig. All the candy wrappers are his.

2. Ananda hasn't got any real fashion sense.

3. The butler did it. In the kitchen. After which he burned the pizzas. The plumber enjoyed this very much.

4. The acrobats never did get paid in anything but deutsche marks, which, of course, are no good in Miami.

5. The fox-creature and the Mercedes, after being stuck together for hours outside of Wonka's place, eloped to Vegas and lived happily ever after.

6. The obese cop wasn't the evil mastermind. His boss, we learn with help from Der Speigel, is Schmergel, the evil twin brother of Schmiegel.

7. Schmergel Industries distributed both the candy bars and the stuffed Holstein toys, all part of Schmergel's evil plot to take over the city.

8. Schmergel wasn't the real mastermind either. He thought his efforts to stuff lemon frosting into the Holy Cow's orifices were done simply to produce a better-tasting hallucinogen. The real mastermind was, of course, Fluffy,



The Destroyer of Worlds.

A masterpiece!

someone could make into into a book and put it in a public library [in SL - if there are any?]