Once upon a time...

and strikes a gong. A loud BONG races through the resident. 15 people come rushing to the foyer.

The newcomers ran up and came to a neat stop. Everyone stared at each other. Joe wondered when the Herr had hired a troupe of Chinese acrobats.

Then at some unseen signal, all the acrobats leaped through the air and piled onto the butler, knocking him to the ground.

"Wait, wait!" he cried, waving the pipe around. "I was giving this to Nimrod. He is the plumber. He is here to clean my pipes!"

Nimrod catches the bong that was racing through the house and everyone takes a hit.

Somewhat calmer, with Lily sitting at his side, Joe takes a deep draw off the bong, blows smoke and looks out the high rise window.

What the Hell?

.

Lily huddled into her coat and looked around the room. There were Chinese acrobats sitting on the floor all around them, all of them apparently named Chen. There was Joe. There was the butler, who was mopping his forehead and sniffing in a disapproving sort of way. There was a fairly large wolf- or fox-shaped person standing next to the butler.

"Yep," she said to herself, "I'm stoned."

Joe paid no attention to any of this, because he still couldn't believe what was happening outside the high-rise window. The sky was red. And purple! Oh, all of the wonderful lovely colors --

All of the sudden, the windows started flashing blue and red. She though it was an effect of the drugs, but then the police bust down the door. One of them was very very obese, huge even. Joe was shocked that they found out where he lived after the incident where he molested a duck. He looked at the fat cop and said, "Boy, you got more Chens [chins] than this room!"

the obese cop ignored Joe's comment, looked at Lily, and said..."i'm here to confiscate this!" and snatched the bong from Lilys hands, sat down amoung chen, chen and the other 13 chens and took a hit...

After relaxing a bit, the huge cop looked over at Joe with his beady little eyes. He let out a loud "braaap," and flicked his tongue. Then he waved his meaty arm at random around the room.

"Sergeant."

"Yessir."

"Check these men for Harlequin permits. I don't like the look of those diamond patterns on their leotards."

The officers began rounding up the Chinese acrobats.

Then the big guy reached down and picked up the paper. "This is the note we came for, I believe, " he said. We wadded up the note, tossed it into his mouth and swallowed. Getting up and turning around, he plowed out the door like a bulldozer behind his men.

Joe sighed with relief, but then Lily asked, "Joe, what did the note say?"

"It was about a holy cow."

"A holy cow," Lily repeated.

"Yes. A cow. A holy one. It talks."

"Holy cow!!" whispered Lily.

"Okay, stay calm. Don't have a cow.." Joe said, trying to reassure her..

"What did the cow say, Joe?". she asked eagerly.

Joe looked at her worringly. "Mooooo, of course..."

"He said it to the pig," Joe said.

"You mean the guy that just left?"

"No, it was an actual pig."

"But what's the big deal about this holy cow?" asked Lily.

Joe leaned over and whispered into her ear, waving his fingers rapidly before her eyes. "It all started back on the Flying Giblet Dairy and Chicken Ranch when..."

Lily's mind began filling with images of the farm she was raised on when, like a Dali painting, the room began shifting and black amorphic shapes began drifting from the ceiling. These holsteinesque spots began falling faster, piling up on the ground, covering...

everything in sight. next thing Lily knew she was in a hospital bed surrounded by strange men she did not know. she looked towards the corner to see Joe with his head bent down, staring at the floor. "Joe.." she managed to get out, her voice raspy and dry. Joe hurried to her side, and took Lily's hand. "Joe, who are these men..?" Joe took a deep breathe and said...

... nothing, as he was interrupted by a screaching steam locomotive suddenly crashing through the hospital, it's front end colliding with a water fountain in the hall, the window of Lily's hospital room shattering. Drywall crumbled and ceiling tiles above them clattered, two fell near the window in the wake of the train and its newly found path through the metro hospital hallway. Joe grabbed Lily and briskly pulled her body away from the chaos, down to the floor. The last cab of the train flew by, throwing behind itself more sparks and pieces of drywall through the broken window. The sound died down leaving the crackling of now lethal electrical wires, and the sound of a geyser where there used to be a water fountain outside.


"Lily," he began to whisper...

She nodded, and finished his thought, "Yes, it's happening again."

This time, however, she could see it.

She wasn't quite sure what she was doing in the hospital, since no one had bothered to explain that bit to her, but she gamely pulled off the IV drips still hanging from her arm, and looked around for her fabulous dusty pink cashmere coat. That found, she shrugged it on over her hospital smock, and looked at Joe, who looked back at her.

"We need to find that fat cop again," he said.

"And the holy cow," she supplied hopefully. They set off ...

Joe looked disapprovinlgy at Lily's coat as they walked away from the carnage...

"Why do you torment me with that unclean garment?"

Lily just leaned her head on his arm and smirked.

------

"Good evening, sister-" started Herr Munchenbruck, polishing his monocle as he entered the foyer. No one was there. He was late again, it seemed.

The living room was a shambles. Water pipes and discarded candy wrappers littered the floor. Sharp giggles and heavy black smoke issued from the kitchen.

Meanwhile, behind the facade of an innocent-looking bookstore, the fat cop sat looming over the holy cow, plotting his next move.

The cow looked at him and said, "You're going about this the wrong way, you know."

The fat cop finished his cigarette. Then he said, "I don't think I am."

"You are," said the holy cow.

But before it could go further, one of the Chens shouted from the prison cell next to them. "When are we going to get our cut?"

LOL that was me *grumbles*

My accountant alt has been outed.

A truck with SCHMERGEL INDUSTRIES painted on the side rolled past Joe and Lily as they strolled down the sidewalk. It wobbled erratically back and forth. They narrowly dodged the splash as it plowed through the puddles.

Joe said, "I'm sick of hoofing it through these streets. I wish I still had my car."

"Oh, I almost forgot," said Lily, digging through her purse. "I think mine is somewhere around here."

She pulled out her keys and began clicking the alarm button, pointing one way and then another.

http://www.schmergel.com/history.htm

"Yoooo Hoooo!" shouted Lily's car in the next street. Joe immediately looked uncomfortable. He feared the worst. He just knew Lily's car was going to be just as camp, pink and as old fashioned as her cashmere coat. "There it is!." Lily started to walk faster.

Joe scratched his ass and...

... accidentally stepped knee-deep into the asphalt the road construction crew was covering the curb and sidewalk with. Stepping back with an odd yodel mixed with a yelp, he cried, "...

"Ewwwwwwwwww I found Starax's cats poo"

Yes! Once again Starax's cat had missed the box! Fortunately Joe hadn't been standing below Starax's apartment window at the time.