Managing RL and SL relationships

What really sucks is when your RL partner leaves you for her SL partner

Real life is real life, and second life is second life, and never the twain shall meet.

I don't juggle, but I believe in keeping them separate.

There are a lot of conflicted individuals. This is a game - it isnt real - remember that. Keep it all in perpective. But then again, I am not married so don't take my advice on this.

You may feel that way, but I assure you, others do not. And that doesn't make them "conflicted" or somehow otherwise broken.

This is your view... please don't press it on others, which is..not what I'm about to do either. I am explaining my view... even though it may sound like I'm trying to convince you.

There are many people that see SL as 'just a game' and 'not real'. It seems to me that these people lack the capacity to believe that others could consider it real andbe sane and healthy. I for one consider myself to be sane, intelligent, and quite healthy, and yet I prefer my SL to RL and treat it as my RL atm. If I could I would switch them, without a shadow of regret I'm certain.

The thing is that for me SL is not just a game and is real. This world, Second Life, to me is as real as anything else, because I let it be real. I understand that I'm talking to people, and I allow myself to let emotions rule me sometimes, the strongest being love - yes, love for someone I've never met in RL - I don't understand why people can't see it as normal honestly. There are real people interacting... and actually more intimate than emails and IM conversations in my opinion, so why shouldn't falling in love be normal?

I have a Family in SL. My partner and fiance, my Mistress, my sisters and brother in servitude, my submissive and my slave. I love each and every one in a very real way.. I would be devastated if any of them disappeared without any knowledge of where they had gone.

I think I'd be comfortable around them in RL though I've never met them. Hell Iw ould love to meet them in RL. However I wouldn't askt hat of any of them. THough I trust them completely, and far as I can tell they trust me, I would not risk my safety nor theirs, or any of our comfort.

Thats my view on the subject...

-Oki

Considering I met my husband on match.com and was half in love with him before we ever actually met (going on 4 years of marriage, tyvm), I very much believe that you can love and be loved by people you meet on the internet, including SL.

Don't let the naysayers bug you Okiphia

I think the bottom line here, and the reason that there is never an accord in these threads, is that everyone is different. We all see things in the light of our own experience. I've found that I have a very strong emotional response to things that happen in SL. The friends I've made here are as much my friends as the friends I have in RL. That's my reaction, though, and I think it's a common one. I know not everyone agrees, and frankly, I think it's a shame that people aren't able to experience that emotional connection. I suspect they think it's a shame that I do. Weird, huh?

At any rate, my personal opinion is that I would have a difficult time separating the two lives. I base this on my current inability to separate SL from RL effectively when it comes to my friends. I see Sl as an extension of my RL. If I were to fall in love in SL, I couldn't help but carry those feelings to RL. I know - that's just my opinion, but that's how I feel about it. Having a SL partner who is different than a RL partner would be very difficult for me.

OK a fair question, one I was hoping no one would ask, and one I swore I would not answer (especially in a public forum) but here goes anyway...

I was cheating a few weeks ago... I have a RL relationship, and I had a SL partner. I since broke up with my SL partner. We are still friends though. My conscience was killing me for hiding my SL relationship from my RL woman. I could not manage at all. I love my wife in RL and would not want to lose her. My SL partner began to email, IM, and call me all hours of the day or night. I felt trapped and stalked. I did let my SL partner know I was married, but she continued to contact me in the face of potentially losing my RL wife. How did I get into this situation? (Easily, all too easily) I let my emotions and desires dictate to me, and I chose to cheat. There are consequences for cheating, and I was not willing to pay the cost, so I politely bowed out of my SL relationship.

Since then I have had several SL rendezvous with women in SL, but only when my RL wife was not home. (Still cheating though). I will not be making any long term relationships like partnering in SL any more. I may re-consider that if my RL wife and I ever break up, but I don't have any plans on breaking up with her, not in this lifetime.

So how do I manage the romantic flings I am having in SL...VERY CAREFULY. & by letting them know that I have a RL wife and will not get hooked into partnering in SL, as well I let them know I do sleep around in SL and not to get possessive with my virtual mind & body.

I would also like to mention that my RL wife in recent years has become physically disabled from an injury and her ability to enjoy intimate relations has diminished drastically, we both desire being together intimately, but it has become very difficult and frustrating for us both. She (my RL wife) is not interested in the least with SL or being in it with me. So what was I to do? I have found having friendships (not Partnerships) with women in SL has helped me maintain to some degree. We all need love, and I see SL as real too. The people I meet there are just as real.

Some of you may think low of me for cheating, and then some of you could care less. But my whole reason for even posting this was to attempt to clear my conscience, it doesn’t seem to be helping, I am guilty, yet my desires, fantasies, and instincts seem to be overriding my conscience.

Now it’s time for some comic relief...

i feel there is good and bad no matter how you handle things

in my 2 yrs in sl ive had my ups and downs in sl relationships and my rl relationship

i could go into lots of details but it would take hours

my rl husband and i started sl at the same time and decided to have seperate sl's and that did quite well for many months

he flirted and had lots of fun and a sl relationship that lasted a few months that was ok till she broke the rule and started talking about their rl together so he ended it with her (yes she knew about i played sl just not who i was)

i had a sl relationship that lasted a few months till she made a few things intolerable

i then had someone i had feelings for in another game come to sl and i was with him on and off in sl for a few months and became a wow widow i was broken hearted when it ended because it ended badly...my rl hubby held me while i cried over it and understood because he knew this person as well we had played another game together and he knew i had a lil more then flirtatious feelings for this person and he understood it..it never interfered in our rl relationship

we both had our fun in sl and there were times it brought more excitement into our rl relationship and i know alot wont understand that but if you want to try to understand you can IM me in game

while 2 people i was close to left sl i sort of wandered around flirted had my sl fun and was doing ok with my hubbies newest sl relationship till it all went haywire

alot of things happened including phone calls between them and way more time spent together then i became comfortable with

i knew our marriage was having issues and tried to work on them but failed miserably for awhile and it even got to the point i left my rl husband over it for about 6 weeks

we ended up actually talking and working on things and i came back home
there were many issues with his sl ex for months and i became very bitter about her and sl in general

we all lost sl friends over it

when i came back home my rl hubby and i became partners in sl and explored alot of things i swore i never would but it made me understand me better and made us understand things about our rl relationship

we have been married almost 17 yrs in rl and are very happy together

i dont play sl as much as i used to on tyci
my rl hubby and i play other games together at night and on the weekends together
he helped me make an alt in sl so i could explore certain things as long as it does not interfer with his and my time together at night and on the weekends and as long as he knows what i am up to

so i guess we went full circle more then once but had alot of learning lessons along the way

you have to be very careful in sl because alot of emotions can get heightened in here because there can be less barriers and more fantasy involved

if you do have seperate sl's and rl's just make sure everyone is getting what they need!!

That is an understatement...I know that one all too well!

Well, if you think that's bad, my female alt has been dating Ricardo and Cole for a while. Now that is baaaaaaad!

Ty very much Graphic and Tyci for your honest, open answers. They were enligtening.

Whatever I or anyone feels about cheating does not matter. I greatly admire your courage and thank you for trusting us enough to post. There are many reasons for wanting (or not) to have a relationship in SL. Being true to yourself and honest with others is not always easy or apparent at first, but whichever path you choose will bring its rewards (and tears). As I have mentioned above, I couldn't handle two relationships at once, nor did I imagine a scenario where I would want to, (what can I say, I have no imagination). Good wishes to you Graphic, this must not be easy for you.

Your right, comic relief is now needed... heheh

Back then we had text chat, and that was very real, so real that I ended up marrying my ICQ partner. So please don't tell me an SL wedding is "just a game". I know many many couples on SL that became RL couples, and I am very happy for them. It can become very real, much more real than text chat!

I, my virtual self, Mona, am a happy single cat in SL, free, wild and sometimes lonesome, but with some good friends around her. And Mona will stay like that. That's her character. Not even in my wildest dreams I would think about an SL relationship - I would consider that cheating.

TY to all the posters who've shared so openly about their SL experiences.

As a relative N00bie, I'm still amazed at how real and intense my emotions are in SL. It seems very real to me, and my relationships are very real. That being said, I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about cheating, RL vs SL, and what I'm comfortable with. Although I'm not currently partnered in SL or RL, I've always made it a rule in RL not to date married men. However, I realized early on in SL, that I'd have to learn to be comfortable with ambiguity, because, really, you never know about the person you're dating, other than what they choose to tell you. I won't even call it lying... some people choose to be themselves for the most part, others are more comfortable playing a role. Who am I to judge?

And then, what about Alts... Is it cheating if i have a relationship as Maitri, and date someone else as an Alt? I haven't begun to answer all these questions...

So for now, for myself, my RL rules don't apply in SL. The poet Mary Oliver really summed up my attitude about SL, rules, and risk taking in her poem "Have you Ever Tried to Enter the Long Black Branches?"--tiny excerpt of a great poem below:

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window,

and the opening of the window no more difficult
than the wakening from a little sleep...

For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?

Fall in! Fall in!

I've decided to fall into SL... So far it's been a lovely ride.

~Maitri

I initially thought I wanted to try every aspect of SL, including virtual sex. But one night I was in a lounge and was asked to dance. I tried it because I wanted to see how the couples balls worked, but our avatars started kissing & mauling each other. It just felt really weird & somehow wrong. Since then, I decided it was better (for me) to just remain single & celibate in SL. There's still a lot of stuff to learn & experience, and maybe some day I'll be able to convince my RL honey to join me in SL.

I've also seen a lot of blog & forum entries about failed SL relationships where one person was really emotionally involved and the other was just role-playing, and the emotionally involved one got hurt. Even if I was able to remain emotionally detached about it, I wouldn't want to hurt somebody else.

I've posted this on Several relationship threads Including the ones on "Cheating" so, one more time won't hurt.

I'm in a very good marriage in RL. My Wife (Canada, Love leagal gay marriages) and i have been Living happily together for a few years. She knows all about SL, though she doesn't Play. and she Knows all about my various On line loves. She knows the Love is Very Real too, and that doesn't Upset her. She always said i Love so much no One person could take it all. Lol. We have our rules, and i agree with them, they ARE reasonable and they are all based on the Vegas Rule. What ever my feelings for my One Line Loves,, the relationships STAY on line. No meetings or visits, no phone calls, or letters, ONLY On Line. My RL belongs to my Wife and I. She and i have differing work schedules, So i Can be home alone a Great deal. In this way at least there are two things that remain true. I am Not Taking any Time away from My Wife, and when we ARE together, it's always fresh because we aren't in each others pockets all day.

Only Once have i been Sorely tempted to Break our rules, and my Wife knows about that too. One of my on line lovers was coming to my city for a Week, and she wanted to tell me what Hotel she was Staying at.
It WAS tempting, But i KNOW Myself. As innocent as we both said we wanted it, we Both had to admit we would end up in Bed if we met because we DID love each other.
I said No.
Using my Computer, i guided her around My City,, told her great Places to Visit. She asked if i ever went to those places at the same time to try to see her, I just smiled and said she would never know for sure.

I Love the people i am With On line, truely and deeply And I Love my Wife.

Angel.

Whatever a married couple, or couple in a committed relationship, or group of people in a committed relationship, whatever they mutually agree is okay with them is their business. People are entitled to their personal choices without judgment.

However, I have known quite a few instances of (a) one partner of a real world relationship playing a virtual relationship without the other real life partner's knowledge (b) one partner of a real world relationship playing a virtual relationship with real world party's knowledge (c) both members of real world couple playing with others in virtual relationships, all with full knowledge. All of them have been problematic at best, ending in real world breakups at worst. Even in the case of both real world partners playing with others online with full knowledge. In fact, one of those cases in which a married couple decided mutually that they wanted to play entirely online with other people ended in divorce because of the online play.

I think this is because people often overestimate how emotionally involved they can get online, and/or underestimate how jealous they can become of their partners' online play.

For me, I will avoid online flirting with anyone whom I know to be married in real life, or in a married-like relationship, whether the real life partner condones or not. In the past, such situations have always turned into more trouble than they are worth, particularly for what is a recreational activity for me.

Let me put on my kevlar suit....because I have a feeling I'll get blasted, but I want to be honest here...Please don't judge me, but if you're interested in my story, I'll tell it. My opinions, in the same respect, are only my own, and your milage may vary considerably.

I am married RL to someone I met on the internet in a text environment more than a decade ago. I've never had a real life affair or cheated on him.

In SL, my avatar is partnered and married to a man who lives on the other side of the world from me.

That man is partnered real life with a wonderful woman, who knows all about me.

My r/l husband does not know I even log into sl.

I only spend time with my SL partner when I am home alone. I don't take time from my family, children, or job to be on SL. To me, spending time with my partner on sl is the same as watching Julia Roberts be Pretty Woman and imagining myself there in the scene.

My SL partner and I set up rules from the very start. 1) We may meet someday rl, but neither of us are actively pursuing it..if it happens, wonderful, if it doesn't..we'll live. 2) neither of us will give up our real life for the other. Our partners were there first, they come first, and RL over SL any day. If we can't be together because of RL then so be it. We'll catch each other tomorrow. There is ALWAYS tomorrow! 3) What happens in SL stays in SL.

I can't call watching animated cartoons and some moaning and groaning in text an affair. I can get just as sexually arroused watching some of the free porn on the internet or looking at some magazines you get at Borders Bookstore. IMO, self pleasure is a good thing, and should be practiced often, regardless of your physical relationship status in real life.


What I have in my SL partner is someone who fills the gaps and recharges me. With the renewed energy I have, I turn that back to my r/l partner..and he does the same for his r/l partner.

I consider cheating to be physical, r/l intercourse, or active planning to change your life to be with another. I'm only sharing some down time and some excellent conversation with a good friend in SL.

Again, Please don't judge me by your standards. What works for me may not work for you.

For me, partnership is so not about the sex. Sex is cheating. Friendship is not.


ETA: being partnered and married in SL keeps the scum away. People say pick up lines, I just say "That's very kind, but look in my profile please? I'm partnered, have a great day, though, k? have you been to "so and so club"? Some nice girls there!"......

All very fine questions - and likely, there are as many answers as there are registered users in SL...

From my point of view, any and all "intimate" relations I have in SL are all understood from the beginning to be strictly in-world relations...the very few that have tried to take it any further have been dropped like a hot rock...with the explanation that I keep my in-world relations exactly that: in-world.

Communication FROM me to others is paramount to my sustained mental well-being in SL (please note: I did not say mental health or balance...I dare not be so bold or deluded as to claim I'm sane)...

Getting communication from others to me? Well, that is not something I have control over...I can let people know where I stand, and live up to that...

As for the RL impact? RL comes first - unequivocally. Time, commitments, interruptions - never a question which comes first (to me)...that is also where my affections lie - regardless of how fond I become of some of the people I meet in SL, my RL comes first.
All of my SL friends (and closer) know this, and support this...and not so strangely, they have the same priorities in their lives - so, it all works out well.

Here's another thought to consider.

Say I'm having an online relationship with some avatar I have met in Second Life. This avatar belongs to someone who is married in real life. His wife does not know that he's playing online relationship in Second Life, and I do not know that he is married in real life.

Let's say that wife finds out about it somehow. Maybe he tells someone who tells his wife; maybe she uses some sort of electronic surveillance, however it may happen. It upsets her enough that she wants to divorce him. And let's say they have enough marital assets that she hires an attorney to file a fault-based divorce on her behalf. Maybe it's not meritorious; or maybe there are other things in the relationship that make it meritorious, there were a lot of things leading to the divorce, and discovery of the virtual affair was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now, let's assume that she has discovered my Second Life screen name, and her divorce attorney is competent, and her attorney subpoenas Linden Labs to get my real name and address so said attorney can then subpoena me to testify about my online relationship in a real life divorce trial.

That's more headache than I bargained for when I entered into this virtual relationship that was supposed to be recreational.

(And this doesn't even address whether I may feel bad if I ever learn that I'm even part of the reason why a real life marriage is breaking up. Yes, that's something that would probably make me feel miserable, regardless of not being at fault in an objective sense.)

Point is, if you want to "virtually cheat," you risk hurting your virtual partners as well as your real one.

This is something I have *very* strong views on, but this is just *my* opinion & I understand the reasons many have for their own choices in regards to this. To me, *if* you have a partner in SL & someone in RL who *knows* & *accepts* the SL relationship, then while I don't agree with it & think it's definitely cheating, that's their decision.

It does make me upset that alot in SL relationships have RL partners that know *nothing* about their online relationship/s, to me there's no question that's cheating, I *know* it isn't physical, but the emotions can definitely be just as strong, the times i've seen people in SL devastated cause their virtual relationship ended, yet they have someone at home who they're *supposed* to love is more than I can count.

I guess my views come from being the child of a couple in this sort of relationship & the effect it had on me & on seeing the effect on my Mum when she found out & the results of this. I mean say you have a guy on SL, who's wife knows *nothing* about you, but she finds out. The upset to her & the relationship can cause so many problems & effect any kids forever.

I personally can still have friends on SL that any RL partner would be 100% aware of, without it going past friendship, yes I *do* love them but just as a brother or a sister. I feel that if people come to SL to have a virtual fling, there *must* be something wrong in their RL relationship & i'd urge them to either fix it or end it. I hope if i got to the point of wanting to be intimate & emotionally involved on SL while having someone in RL, i'd use the time to log out of SL & get marriage counselling or try to spend more time with my RL partner, or whatever that relationship may need.

I've not explained myself too well but this is just IMO & no offense intended, I too thank the poster who explained it from their POV

Misffit, I can appreciate your views.

*hugs*

I would rather be in bed with my RL BF, then in bed with a cartoon in SL.

Hey Chas,

I see you now have a new idol in these forums in Cole. I'm hurt. *sniff *sniff. How could you? /reaches for a hankie* I thought I was your hero, after all you seem to have an obsession with me following my every post then commenting and writing about me as you've done once again. Obessions can be a bitch you know. Not healthy, no no.

If I didn't know better I'd swear you were a female. Or is this some kind of man love you're exhibiting out here? Told you once before I don't go that route. I don't know about Cole but I'm betting you're also barking up the wrong tree with him too.

SL is the place to get off your fantasies, not the forums so get it right. Lot's of man love there for your choosing. I hope you find the right guy too, I mean it.

Hope I was helpful in some small way. And no thanks are necessary I'm glad I could help.