FRIENDSHIP AND "BEING REAL" IN SL

Ok,
I Have Seen So Many People Say That They Got Fucked Over, Well I Did Too...not Too Too Bad But Still I Am In A Compromised Position.

How Do I Make Sure I Keep Myself Safe, Without Being Distant, And Protect My Assets...its Hard I Guess, I Have A Pretty Good Second Life If I Do Say So Myself, But Rather Void Of Friendship Still Due To Being Severely Overworked And A Little Paranoid....

.anyone Out There Though Who Is Feeling The Same, Please Hit Me Up With An Im Or Check Out My Profile, I Really Do Want To Make Connections...

I Prefer To Stay In Character Most Of The Time, But You Will Know If I Have Broken The Tradition...lol....my Human Is Very Different From My Characters....

Does Anyone Else Do This? Remove Yourself From 1st Life Completely And Play The Game? I Am Just Wondering???

I mostly stay in character, cuz it's jes easier dat way. 'course, I'll also say stuff like how I gotta go to din din IRL or stuff like dat, rathern try an make dat fit the character. When I do my writin' for the paper an stuff, it's kinda out of character 'cuz I can get my point across easier an not make my editor's heart attack her.

Some of the folks I regularly talk to in world, an mosta my family in here, know about my real life me - but some of 'em were friends before I got here, toos.

Mari

Without knowing what happened, it's really hard to answer this. I think you'll find though that most people in SL are honest, decent folks. Even with the ones that aren't, it's pretty difficult for anyone actually to do anything to you as long as you don't do anything stupid. You know, use basic internet common sense. Don't give your password out, don't enter into financial agreements with anyone without a written RL contract (no matter how well you know them in either world), that sort of thing.



That may be where you're problem lies. If you're "playing a character" people can tell. Most people won't feel the need to be honest with someone who's clearly not being honest herself. If you want people to be themselves, be yourself too. It's really that simple.

That doesn't mean however that you aren't free to explore sides of yourself that you might not get to show in RL. You certainly are, and you should.

To use myself as an example, I prefer to have my avatar look like something very different from my RL self. That's because to me, the avatar isn't ME; it's just a tool by which I interact with the SL world. What is me are the things I say and the actions I take. The appearance of the avatar is immaterial to that.

Now, because SL at present is a text-based world, communication-wise, I do speak a bit differently in SL than in RL. Written and spoken English are practically different languages. When you were raised in a house like the one in which I grew up, you become a good writer or you get disowned. When I speak out loud, I'm sure I probably come across as a somewhat different person than who I appear to be when I write. It's not a conscious decision on my part; it's the just the way the language works.

So, in that sense you could say I'm maybe a different character in SL than I am in RL. In SL, I'm pretty well spoken at all times. In RL, I'm much more relaxed in my speech (except maybe when I'm giving a talk, and then I think I do revert more into the formal language, but I don't do much public speaking any more these days, so it's not incredibly important). I think the difference between what I'm describing and what you're describing though is that in my case, my RL and SL selves are both absolutely me. Neither is an invented character.

If I'm reading you right, what you're trying to do in SL is play a role that is not you. When I encounter people doing that, it's generally pretty easy to tell, and to put it bluntly, it comes off as disingenuous and annoying. I'm sorry to have to put it that way, but it's the truth. I don't generally enjoy associating with people who come across as being fake. I'd imagine the same is true for a great many people.

If straight role-playing's your thing, and you don't really have an interest in being yourself, you might want to consider a more RP-dedicated environment than SL. World of Warcraft might be more your speed.

Of course, you can certainly find like-minded people in SL with whom you can role-play all day long, but just don't be surprised when you find out some of those people are pretending to be better people than they actually are, and sooner or later they'll turn around and bite you. It sounds like that's the experience you've described, so you know what I'm talking about.

My advice, be yourself. It's a lot easier.

Ok Ok What I Mean By In Charachetr...i Am A Totally Multifaceted Individual Anyway, Theres No Way I Could Pick One Avie And Stick To It, So They Have Certain Sides Of Me And The Rest Is An Elaboration, Hun I Appreciate That Advice An D Isee What Yo Mean But I Know For Sure That I Still Come Off As Real...thats Not The Problem....i Just Wish There Were A Differentiation To Make Sl Safer From The Uncertainty Than Rl Is, For Me I Think Tat Is The "game" Part Of It....it Is A Place To Be Something You Are Not For A Lot Of People Too But That Does Not Mean Tey Are Fake , Not By A Long Shot
If We Could All Be What We Wanted, Would That Make Us Fake In Rl?
It Is What We Say And Do That Makes Us Who We R Not What We Look Like Or Call Ourselves Right?

I'll IM you later. I hang out with friends who like me are pretty much the same both in SL/RL although I have to say Erol is not as good looking as I am, I did try but it just isn't possible within the confines of SL

I tend to be more like my RL self in SL, right down to the shopping habit. I interact with others in SL just as I would in RL. I wouldn't want to change my personality.

I do find it odd how quickly some are to offer friendship here as I would never hand out my phone # 3 min after meeting someone in a park IRL.

When I joined SL, I tried hard to find an avi that actually looks like me..guess it turned out ok. Never thought much about the RP part, I interact with ppl in SL like I do in RL....

And yes Diana, I noticed that the first few days too. Now I'm very picky about choosing my friends.

Mandy C

Interesting point, Mandy and Diana, about handing out "friendship." I can certainly see it, but being somewhat new here myself, and not having found a better way to do it, I see the whole "friend" thing as being just another contact list. After all, I can choose whether or not they can even see you online, and then if I want to quickly find my real friends, I just sort by the appropriate flag.

I've offered friendship to people just so I can have a good contact for something, and quickly find them to IM later, not because I really want to hang with them all the time. This just seems easier than making a notecard for each person I want to keep track of.

However, if there is an easier way, please let me know.

Good point, Emrys! Guess ppl must use it as they see fit, if I spend a little time with a person and like them then yes, I offer friendship. And I noticed that others tend to do that as well, or at least the ones around me.

Right from my first faltering steps on Orientation Island as a newbie last September, it was quite clear to me that I am an individual in my own right and not the extension of some RL-er! Sure, we all need an RL-er to keep us going and prompt us but in my case, I am in control when in SL and my RL-er is just there to help.

SL, it is often said, is not a game. But even so, the kind of person who comes up to me with the message 'Hi! A/S/L?' is not playing the SL 'non-game' and should be elsewhere. I say nothing about my RL identity (except nationality) on principle.

Some people come into SL as themselves, some invent a new identity which some pretend is their real selves while others baltantly admit it is nothing like who they are. And then there are furries and robots - clearly fantasy beings!!!

So there it is! Conifer has spoken !!!!

as you can see im new at this,as in created an account last night lol ive been in online things before and i think friends start out as people that help you out and it goes from there. i asume you can drop people out of your friends list like most online things so i dont really see the problem with making friends as long as your not handing out personal info. as for being real you will get the real person from me lol i dont know any other way.

I also come off as perhaps more articulate than I am in RL because I write well, or well enough. I find that I'm still fairly shy in SL unless I've fallen in with some like minded people. I've been fortunate to fall in with some fun folks in Calleta and Thyris, which is a regular stop for me. I'll try to IM you next time I'm there.

I tried to make my AVI guy look kind of, sort of, like the RL me (sadly, I can't promise I have rippling abs like my AVI does, sigh). The prim hair isn't right, it looks like a mop on my head. I only occassionally wear a goatee. But the general head size works, and the coloring.

As was mentioned above I don't really find the visual accuracy of my AV and my behavior in SL all that important-- it IS a tool for visual communication, and thus, just a symbol that I'm talking to you. What I really treasure about SL is the ability to see a person's mind and personality, despite what their avatar looks like. That part makes SL worth it for me.

H.

" fucked over" wot is meant by this ? after all its not real so how do u get fucked over? keeping yourself safe? if your not giving personal info out you cant be touched. and as for assets how can people take these in sl?

Hi Elyse, can I offer this thread for further reading?
/327/e7/161286/1.html
Further reading on the friendship theme, but the one I was really after, delving into just how we handle the RL/SL balance is /327/40/158393/1.html.
It would be nice if this could be made a sticky really as it just kind of crops up all over again every week or two.
Welcome to SecondLife

Bilbo, Ya' Jammy B*gger, you beat me Too it.

Elyse, Pay Particular attention to the Second Thread that Bilbo Noted for your Attention. It covers pretty well All the Aspects of On Line relationships, and i think it will be the most useful to you.

Two things here quickly about On Line relationships.
1: Like RL they DO involve real Feelings and at times when we lead with our hearts, we aren't thinking. Also, Like RL sometimes Assets DO become an Issue. Love is Love, it shouldn't be a Financial arrangement. Keep your Money, and Property seperate from your emotional Life.

2: Even more than RL On Line relationships are based on Trust. Trust is not developed Over Night. It can and should take Months, or Longer to Develope. Never trust anyone who's ready to Pledge Undying Eternal love after knowing you On line for two days.

Angel.

or two minutes )

When people I don't know ask me where I am from I just act confused and say "I am from here". That sorts the wheat from the chaff,

I am like an idealised part of my RL personality in SL - me but in a playground of my own creation, and me as I like to think of myself in an encumbered version of my existence, rather than as I actually am day to day irl.

So 'roleplay' and normal chitter chatter come quite naturally and cross over a lot, but then I've always liked dramatics and am quite like that irl - little games and character voices.

Go by instinct. Don't give too much of yourself. A few good friend sis better than squillions of people who you can't really go to for help or confide in.

I like to be open and friendly to the people I meet… and I like to see people act in the same way to me. I think because of this I know many friendly and awesome people in SL.

But friendships (or even relationships) are on higher trust level then that. Friendships and relationship need to time to grow…. And that needs time (and people how tell you that they love you after the mentioned two minutes are mostly after something else ^^).

I like the “go by instinct’ –advice and I am realizing that is what I am doing (in SL, but also in RL).

My best friends in SL? Apart from my RL partner, the three persons I brought here myself and who I know by now for years. But I must say some people I did meet here have become darn good friends too .

Morwen.

Hee hee .. hi Angel! <wave>

You got it, Conifer! RL me does take some control, an when she has a bad day, mine can be affected (like last night!) - but I have at least some freedom all my owns. An ya, it bugs me when folks see, to wanna talk like the usual online talk (I dun really get the ASLs, cuz I'm a kid an an also not usually in the spots where one might find those). What I also dun get - an I see a lotta new folks do this - is when I'm standing in front of them an tryin to talk to them, an they IM me instead of talking in the world. Always seems like they dun get the idea, or tink SL is YahooIM or someting. But dat's jes a pet peeve.

Oh, an I tink too dat no matter if you look jes like your RL selves or if you are the most different avvie anywheres we're all presenting at least a part of ourselves in here. Maybe not the full person, maybe more of a mask or aspect. Kinda hard to not have at least a bit of your bein' in there.

Mari

So true, Marianne! Personally I think my RL personality always shines through and as you said, that goes for the majority of ppl. So I believe that those that became my friends, are friends because of their personality and wit. It still amazes me that I made real friends in such a short time that I know I can count on in SL.

Mandy C

There are limits to what can be rp'd - a stupid person is not going to be able to project themself as a clever one, no matter what their fantasy. And a sad person is not going to come over as a happy one very successfully. So, yes, a lot of truth will always come out.

Also I agree about IMs, it's a common problem. Sometimes it's necessary to use IMs for privacy, esp for OOC business, but it's annoying when someone comes straight up and starts IMing to your face.

That's true to some extent. Though I do find that my SL avatar is much nicer, more helpful and generally more tolerant than my RL self. So I guess I'm RPing being nice. LOL!
Of course having a mute option and not being mic'ed for sound helps with the RPing.



I deal with face to face IMs from strangers by always responding in open chat only. If they don't get it after two exchanges, I explicitly say, "You don't need to IM, just hit the CHAT button". So far works every time - except when the IMs are getting nasty in which case Mute comes into play. Gawd - I wish there was a mute button in RL.


Why do so many people start off conversations with "Where are you from"? I never understood the fascination with a,s,l exchanges on other internet channels. And never answered when asked as an opening gambit. I mean if it comes up naturally - fine but its just so boring. And its only purpose seems to be to pigeon-hole and self-segregate people. Often based on whatever lies were told in the exchange.

The first thing I want to know about somebody is - are they interesting/intelligent/humourous? Am I going to enjoy this conversation or should I start plotting an exit strategy?

In any case my response is always - "I'm from Second Life." "I'm an adult." "You?" This seems to separate the wheat from the chaff. Fools get annoyed and leave usually after calling me rude. Other times I've had good conversations about the nature of SL. MUCH more interesting then comparisons of time-zones, gender match/mis-match, and age differences.

I will almost always have read someone's profile before initiating a conversation with them. I figure that's what they are there for.

I don't mind being asked where I am from, as it gives a reference for conversation, points of interest. I'll also divulge my occupation sometimes, depending on the situation, it al depends. I don't require these answers from those i talk to either, as far as I am concerned, it's the inworld characters I am interested in. I don't expect any contacts made to carry over into RL

I intend to steal this. Just fyi.

Honestly, I'm finding it more and more difficult to be polite in crowded places. I like crowds, and I do enjoy meeting people, but it really gets frustrating to go through the same three questions over and over and over again. It's especially frustrating to watch clickity clack fingers go on for an externity, only to see "weherre yufrum?" appear on the screen. There also seems to be a new griefing trend: Dress up like a newbie, and pretend you need "help." Apparently the griefer derives his glee from wasting as much of your time as possible and then suggesting a sexual encounter.

Both of these things make me less and less likely to stop and talk to a new person. I find this unfortunate, but necessary.

If you think that all RP’ers come off as fake then you probably know more RP’ers than you realize… you just haven’t figured it out. Yes, most people are not very good/don’t try very hard. But there is a segment that is VERY good at it.

Still… don’t get all creeped out. RPing is not lying… SL<>RL… This is a feature, not a bug. Most of us who RP get plenty of RL in RL, and spend enough time with our RL selves. There is no obligation to conform to objective reality.

Personally, I find objective reality a nuisance in SL’s context. It makes little practical difference unless brought up, because it will not alter your av or mine one iota. That is not to say that I am not real, though. I am one of those who openly admits that you don’t get to know all about my RL, and people can make of that what they will. Heh I even ask people not to ask me for “stats” in my profile. I understand the desire to break the ice, but that is a pretty boring attempt at it.

As my profiles says… I am:
1 part fiction
1 part me
1 part what I would like to be

My best friend in SL knows next to nothing about RL me. In fact she’s the best friend I have, period. Even my lovely (SL) fiancé knows very little. But I’m not false… I love them both dearly, and would suffer IRL to aid them. (And no, neither of them would be surprised to learn that I keep RL and SL separate.)

I tried other games. I played EQ, SWG, and WoW. Honestly the RP in SL is better, not worse. SL is a place of freedom, even freedom from RL.