Friends, Friendship, and Friends List

I have been dealing with myself a lot lately. Because of some bad behaviour on my part, my friends list has been in a state of ever changing flux.

I don't commonly accept friendship offers unless I've known someone for a while. I almost never offer friendship. And, I don't really keep people on my list if I don't stay in contact with them.

As a result, my list is very short in comparison to the lists my friends claim to have. And, it makes me wonder about some things. Just some questions for the crowd. My own answers included.

1> Are all your friends on your friends list?

>>No. Many people I consider friends are not on my list. Partially because we just happen to be in the same place often enough that it doesn't matter. And, partially because I'm assuming my thoughts on friendship are one-sided. I'm seeing them as friends while they're seeing me as someone who just happens to be there.

2> Do you have names on your friends list that make you wonder, "Who is that?"

>>I used to. It was suggested to me by another friend that I should wipe them to avoid confusion. I've been looking at it every couple weeks. If I find a name unfamiliar, or someone I've distanced from, I remove it.

3> Does quantity matter to you? If so, are you comfortable with a small list of caring friends that you would drop the world for? Or, are you happier with a big list so that you don't have to be concerned about being alone at any time of the day?

>>I honestly don't know how to answer this myself. I came to SL to be social, but, my own personality causes that to be a battle. Do I want good caring friends to run to? Yes. Do I want friends that can be available throughout the day? Yes. But, I feel like that asking for cake and eating it too.

4> Reaction to 2, how often do you drop names from your friends list? And, how often does it result in a offended, disappointed, confused IM?

5> Reaction to 4, how often do you find a name disappear from your friends list? And, how do you react to it?

>>I think I lose a friend a week. Either it's someone I never really connected with, or someone tired of my BS. When I do cleanups, I rarely ever get a response, IM, or any other form of concern. If I do, I've typically received it up to a month later. On my own part, when I see a name disappear, I assume it was over something I did and that the person has broken contact with me for a reason. IMing or Asking for a reason would mean undue harassment from me against them, so, I just decide to let things be.

6> Map access: Who gets it? Why?

>>In my case, everyone. I'm in SL to develop the social life I never had. If you're going to know that I'm online, you're also going to know exactly where I'm at. If you want to come see me, I'm a click away. Your company is welcome. That's WHY you're on my friends list in the first place. There is nothing I do in SL that I'm embarrassed about or that I would fear being "caught" doing... Including TOS/CS violations. I won't settle for a false accusation, but, if I'm caught red-handed, I'm more than willing to accept the kick.

Finally...
7> Are there any "Untouchables"? Friends that would be the kill-all/end-all if they were to ever be dropped from your list?

>>Yes there are. Four people. Sadly, at the moment, three of them ARE off my list and I greatly hate myself for that fact. I have been horribly self destructive since the holidays and it's starting to bite. I have been my own source of drama and I've made a lot of irreversible mistakes. As a result, I'm reviewing my place among the people I know. SL is still much more enjoyable than the life I lived before I got online. And, I think I still have hope that things will work out.

So, there it is. What's the friends list to you? What do you make of it and the people you have on it? Thanks for putting up with my run-on sentences. And, please ignore me if you're sick of my emodrama. (>_<

1. Yes

2. Yes, but I try to clear them out every couple of months.

3. I'd prefer my list were smaller but I know too many people who are necessary for my various businesses.

4. Every couple of months and sometimes I hear from them...usually not.

5. I rarely notice when I'm dropped from a friends list. The few times I have been, it hurt my feelings. A couple of times, I was added back in without asking.

6. Nobody.

7. Yes, there are people on my friends list who will never be taken off by me, even if I haven't talked to them in a year.

Immy,

I'm sorry that your own behavior is causing you pain. At least you recognize the source of the problem, and that's a good start. If it's any help to you, I'd love to have you on my friends list. I'll send you a request when I'm in world. (No mapping though...only one person on my list has that box checked! IMs are always welcome. Unexpected drop ins are not.)

I'm not going to answer your questions one by one, but here's how I do it...

I get a lot of friends requests, mostly from newbies. I accept almost all of them, unless the person is an obvious jerk. I go through my list every month or so and delete all the newbies who've moved on, or dropped out...ones I never heard from again after the first encounter.

I've never had anyone call and complain about being dropped. If anyone ever does, I'll probably apologize and add them back. If they want to be there, I've no objection, even if we don't speak often.

I have some people on my list that I haven't spoken to, or even seen on line, in months. I won't drop them, because I have fond memories of them, and hope they have the same of me. They may call again one day!

Yes, there are some very special friends on my list, ones whose loss would diminish my SL. I do wish there were an intermediate category, "acquaintances". I have my calling cards sorted that way...Friends, Acquaintances, Business, and Newbies.

I've only ever dropped one person from my list in anger. Later, we made up and I added him back.

In the olden days before there were friend categories any friend could track you. I knew a lot of what I thought of as "ninja boys" and every once in a while I'd be doing something and there would be a positive rain of ninja boys upon my head all of a sudden, which I thought was funny. Sometimes it was not convenient, and now we can have map-tracking off, but I think it was a kind of magical thing in a way.

I admire you for sticking with it.

1> Are all your friends on your friends list?

Many of my SL friends are really forum friends (here and SLU), and I've actually not seen most of them in-world, much less friended them.


2> Do you have names on your friends list that make you wonder, "Who is that?"

Dozens. (Seriously.)


3> Does quantity matter to you? If so, are you comfortable with a small list of caring friends that you would drop the world for? Or, are you happier with a big list so that you don't have to be concerned about being alone at any time of the day?

Despite having pruned my list a couple of times in the past 3 years, I probably have at least a couple hundred names in it, and the great majority are people that I rarely, if ever, talk to. Many are customers, former and current. Really the friend list has pretty much lost relevance to me. I don't even notice the blue online/offline popups anymore. It's nice using the friends list for customers because it lets them know when you're available to help.


4> Reaction to 2, how often do you drop names from your friends list? And, how often does it result in a offended, disappointed, confused IM?

Really only 2 or 3 times in big purges. I think I did upset a couple of people but they were just spazzy types I didn't care for anyway. I am sure I've been defriended many times as well, and I just don't notice.


5> Reaction to 4, how often do you find a name disappear from your friends list? And, how do you react to it?

While I'm sure people defriend me all the time (like I said, most of them are just acquaintances anyway), I simply do not notice it. There are only 4 or 5 people I speak to on any kind of regular basis and I know they'd never defriend me.


6> Map access: Who gets it? Why?

Only my partner. If anyone else wants to know where I am, they can ask.


7> Are there any "Untouchables"? Friends that would be the kill-all/end-all if they were to ever be dropped from your list?

My romantic partner, my business partner, and 3 or 4 of my former submissives. If any one of them dropped me, it would mean one of us screwed up big time. None of it would make me commit SLuicide or whatever, but it would make me unhappy.

1> Are all your friends on your friends list?
mmm no, some I have calling cards for and others I just bump into when I wonder around the grid

2> Do you have names on your friends list that make you wonder, "Who is that?"
Oh Yes. I used to make notes on their profile, but that got old fast.

3> Does quantity matter to you?
Goodness no, I would rather count them on one hand.

4> Reaction to 2, how often do you drop names from your friends list? And, how often does it result in a offended, disappointed, confused IM?
Now and then, now and then.

5> Reaction to 4, how often do you find a name disappear from your friends list? And, how do you react to it?
I usually dont even remember who they are if they just disappeared they werent a great freind

6> Map access: Who gets it? Why?
let me put my clothes on first please

7> Are there any "Untouchables"? Friends that would be the kill-all/end-all if they were to ever be dropped from your list?
Oh Goodness yes, too bad LL continues to mess up my friends list, no fault of my own.

My friendship has nothing to do with my friends list.

So often people will come on and I'll never see the blue notice, so when we IM I'll be like "when did you come on"?

But I also offline IM and carry on conversations from offline too...

The size of my list is entirely irrelevant to me, but I do tend to offer calling cards to customers instead...

Which brings us to recognizing infrequent contacts, I usually put a note in their profiles of where we met or who connected us to provide context and jog my memory years later.

Those whom I don't have an emotional connection to who I haven't spoken with in months I might remove (either when they aren't online or just before I'm going off anyway so the "Crystal Falcon is offline" message is moot) since I'll still have their calling card anyways.

I was bothered by people mapping me early on, so I only make it available to those who ask for it. Conversely, I believe I have edit rights to more friends than map ability, although that might have changed, I really don't pay attention or keep track or care one way or 'tother really...

I have yet to remove one person because I didn't want them to see when I was online. I've only "cleaned up" my list once or twice. I was removed by someone else once, and it really didn't change anything other than that extra step to IM them.

Oh! I take that back, there was a customer's boyfriend, who would spam me with notices for his club, I removed him as soon as he did it again.

1> No, I consider many folks to be friends with neither they nor me ever thinking to add each other to the list. Probably most of my friends list is made up of people who got there for a short-term convenience of contact: to know when we'd be in-world together for one or a few meetings. But they're still there, and I don't feel any urgency about tidying up.

2> Sure, there are many for whom I can no longer associate the name with the situation that led to them getting on the list. Had I been organized about it, I would have made some kind of note in their profiles as a reminder. But I never do.

3> No, I never worry about quantity. (Nor size, but that's a different topic. )

4> I very rarely drop anybody from the list. They have to pose some sort of problem before I'll even think to remove them. The only downside is a lot of Online/Offline messages--so an extra keyboard macro every time I clean up transcripts. Not a big problem.

5> I hardly ever notice if somebody drops me from their list. But I remember once when I was very new and lacked in-world confidence, I was pretty sad and confused when somebody dropped me.

6> Pretty much nobody gets Map access except for short interval when it's practical for joint exploring.

7> There are people on my list for whom I have enormous respect, and I'd hate to think that I'd ever do something to offend them. I'm not sure that there's any real purpose served by us being on each others' lists--we hardly ever cross paths but.... huh--You know, it does serve a purpose: when I see their names pop online, for an instant I think about what great stuff they're probably doing. It makes SL a better place for me, to know there are such people in-world.

I think you are putting too much thought into your "friends".

Interesting topic! Glad to share.


1> Are all your friends on your friends list?

Yes

2> Do you have names on your friends list that make you wonder, "Who is that?"

Not since my first month or two in SL. Now I know everyone on my list.

3> Does quantity matter to you? If so, are you comfortable with a small list of caring friends that you would drop the world for? Or, are you happier with a big list so that you don't have to be concerned about being alone at any time of the day?

Not at all. Quality first!

4> Reaction to 2, how often do you drop names from your friends list? And, how often does it result in a offended, disappointed, confused IM?

If I haven't spoken with them in a few months, I drop them off. So far it has not resulted in any offenses or disappointments. If it did, oh well. It's part of life, real or second.

5> Reaction to 4, how often do you find a name disappear from your friends list? And, how do you react to it?

Every once in a while it happens. Doesn't bother me at all. That's what people search and calling cards are for. If I ever want or need to speak to that person again, easy enough to fire off an IM.

6> Map access: Who gets it? Why?

My hubby in SL only! No one else needs to know where I am or what I'm doing. It's no ones business except my own. In 2 years married in SL, there have only been a handful of times he has used the map access feature. And he always asks if he can map me first. Likewise with myself doing this to him. It's simple... it's called respect.

Sure, SL is an open environment... but does that mean manners don't have to exist?

7> Are there any "Untouchables"? Friends that would be the kill-all/end-all if they were to ever be dropped from your list?

*rolling eyes* Too much drama... and if that were the case, I'm better off without them!

Friends list doesn't matter to me too much. I may go a couple of months without logging in due to RL constraints. If I am working on projects then I may only pop in to Aditi for short stints for a couple of weeks at a time. But I do know who my friends are in SL, some are still in my list, some I have dropped from the list and some of them have dropped me. But we are still all friends and when I do get a chance to socialize or catch up then I will drop them an IM and we may spend hours chatting.

Yes.



Nope. Long pruned.



I have very few friends on my list, and I wouldn't drop the world for many of them. A couple of them are would-be submissives who've never really accepted no for an answer. Though I keep them because they are genuinely great people. Another couple of names are there because defriending them would hurt their feelings, and I don't want to do that. There a few true friends, the rest are acquaintances.



Whenever I realize that a name has no value being there.



I've noticed it once.



Nobody.



Yes, Lexxi and one I consider to be my SL sister.

If you've read it all, you'll see that I'm not big on making friends in SL. I'm certainly no social butterfly. It's out of choice, to be honest. I'd wouldn't say I've driven people away, but I have dissuaded them through indifference.

My behaviour is different in RL.

1. All of my closer friends are on my friends list. There is another level of acquaintences whom I see frequently; some of my favorite acquaintences aren't on my list. This is because I have a shyness about asking someone if I can add them to my friends list. I'm guessing that some of the acquaintences on my list also have that shyness, and this the friends-list-hookup isn't made.

2. Some of the people on my friends' list are people of whom I have no memory at all. However, I have recently made a habit of using that little Notes section of profiles to write down when I meet people and under what circumstances, to avoid the embarassment of, "Who are you?"

3. Quantity would not matter to me- no point in having a huge list of people I to whom I never talk. Except recently I became part-owner of a Second Life club, and the more friends I have, the more people I can invite to the club for events.

4. In two years, I have never dropped someone from my friends list.

5. I usually take it personally when someone drops me from their friends list (I see them somewhere and think, hey, that person used to be on my friends list). I shouldn't; it may just be a matter of someone keeping a list current, and just pulling me off simply because we haven't spoken for months, and not because I am now hated. Right or wrong, I often presume that being taken off the list means the person doesn't want to speak to me anymore, and I don't speak to the person unless spoken to. (Though if spoken to, I'll be happy and friendly and understanding.)

6. No one gets map access. If they want to meet me, start out with an IM.

7. Having had online friends in various ways (dating back before MUDs to IRC in the late 80s), I have gotten used to the fact that online friends will disappear without a trace one day. Is the way that internet relationships work.

BTW, is this a baring of souls thread, or are you looking for something specific in the responses?

The absolute fastest way OFF my friends list.

Oh, the most disappointing is when you think you've found a new friend, only to end up getting a TP invite to... the club where they work. Gone!

It's working the way I had hoped. I'm in the process of helping myself work out what I consider to be friendships here in SL and, considering the friends I'm dealing with are also in SL, I want to know how the crowd here thinks of things. Any response from "The internet is not for friends, you loser!" to a full on emotional gush are welcomed. I hope I didn't make my subject sound too limited in scope. (T_T)

Also... This isn't an appeal for friendship offers. I may not accept what ever random offers that may come as a result of this thread, so, please don't be offended. (>_<

1> Are all your friends on your friends list?

Most of them, although I'm friendly with a number of people who aren't actually on my in-world list (forum members and some people in a group in which I'm active, mainly).

2> Do you have names on your friends list that make you wonder, "Who is that?"

No, not anymore. Even though there are some people I don't interact with, they're part of some group I'm in at the very least, so I know where they came from.

3> Does quantity matter to you? If so, are you comfortable with a small list of caring friends that you would drop the world for? Or, are you happier with a big list so that you don't have to be concerned about being alone at any time of the day?

A few key close friends form the core of my SL social life, but there are also acquaintances, business associates, members of groups I'm in, etc. (and I wish there were a way to subdivide the friends list so I could choose whose blue pop up I see). I don't have an issue with being alone in SL; if one of my key friends isn't online, I have work to do.

4> Reaction to 2, how often do you drop names from your friends list? And, how often does it result in a offended, disappointed, confused IM?

I used to cull names once in a while just because I had accepted someone's friend invite to avoid hurt feelings, and then not had contact with them again. Anymore, I don't accept the invite as readily if I haven't had much of a conversation with the inviter and there's no business reason to add him or her. I've only had an offended IM once, from someone who was kicked off my list for cause; and we've since made up.

5> Reaction to 4, how often do you find a name disappear from your friends list? And, how do you react to it?

I don't find names disappearing often. When I do, it's likely someone I haven't been talking to, so I don't give it much thought. Recently I ran into someone who had taken me off her list, we chatted for a while, and she subsequently requested that we be friends again.

6> Map access: Who gets it? Why?

Only my sweetheart, and we only recently checked that box for each other.

7> Are there any "Untouchables"? Friends that would be the kill-all/end-all if they were to ever be dropped from your list?

There are about half a dozen people (maybe a few more) that I consider RL friends, including my SL sweetie, that I can't imagine taking off my list. We would have to have a pretty major break to remove each other.

Would you be my friend?*

(digital registration of friendship not required!)

* * * * *

Simply have to share this.

I don't de-friend anybody. I remember just about everybody, too. Dunno why, good chance I remember you if we've talked. Not 100% but pretty good.

Well, until one fateful day. The avatar freezes up on login, Lindens are called, yada yada. Solution? Delete the friend list. Why? Cause I had 1200 or 1400 or some such on it.

Doh.

Well, so... okay. Logging in fitfully at last, I tell people on group chats what I'm doing and why, I put a note in my profile, and I start deleting.

There. Everyone's gone (well okay I cheated, I kept like 10). WOW did my avatar, inventory, *everything* move quick and easy now! I'm a noob again, I'm fweeeeeeeeeeeee!



Then the IM's came.


"Hey, you mad at me?"

"why u not on my friendlist"

"I'm hurt." <sound of IM slamming shut>

"AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR FRIEND?"

"dude, **** ***, *******"


Now, realise, when you got over 1000 deleted off your friendlist, about 100-150 of those people are actually ON at any given time.

Those weren't random, once-in-a-while IM's. Nosirree-bob. Those IM's all came in... sometimes four at a time.

Yep, drama in quadrophonic. I was now a social networking nightmare Who album.


It was horrific. I was about to keep a tally: rager... delicate flower... eye-for-an-eye... passive-aggressive... and then, the Angels, the Blessed, those that Actually Checked the profile! The ones that said "Oh, okay cool it's not like I need to have a list tell me who my friends are."


I copied and pasted something like this, repeatedly:

"Please re-friend me. I had technical problems. My avatar would not work. Please read my profile!"

Well... alright, but then I got... Apologies.

Quadrophonic remorse for yelling at me.

Plus about 1 in 25 who were still aghast that I'd ever, you know, choose the ability to log in over their friend card.


* * * * *

That was about two years ago.

Last summer it built back up, and it was either immolate myself in friendlist drama or say goodbye to the Des avatar.

Back into the fire I went.

It was a lot easier that time, I only got hate in stereo.

* * * * *

I think I've got... oh, something like several hundred friends right now.

Probably a few hundred to go, or maybe... 3-4 months before the next dip into the drama fire.

The note to add me back is now permanent, in my profile.

Want to be my friend?

grin

1> Are all your friends on your friends list?
No. In fact, very few of the forum folks who I count as "friends" are on my list - and I think that's true for many forum folks.

2> Do you have names on your friends list that make you wonder, "Who is that?"
Yes.

3> Does quantity matter to you?
No. Nika is the only one of my avatars who has a lot of friends on her list, though. I keep the others fairly small.

4> Reaction to 2, how often do you drop names from your friends list? And, how often does it result in a offended, disappointed, confused IM?
I accept friend requests from anyone I've helped in SL, and I usually drop those new residents after a few weeks. No, never heard any objections.

5> Reaction to 4, how often do you find a name disappear from your friends list? And, how do you react to it?
I've only noticed it twice, but I'm sure it's happened more. I always hope that if I've really offended someone, they will actually tell me. If I'm dropped from a list of someone I haven't been active with, I either don't notice or have little reaction if I do. I only remember being hurt once by someone dropping me, but it was a fleeting reaction.

6> Map access: Who gets it? Why?
Only a partner, or (briefly) if there's a logistics reason for it.

7> Are there any "Untouchables"? Friends that would be the kill-all/end-all if they were to ever be dropped from your list?
There are a few people on my list whom it would hurt me greatly to see go. Actually, without some few friends I have, I probably would have left SL completely long ago.
.

First let me say it's somewhat hard to get on my friends list due to what my definition of a friend is* but VERY easy to get dropped from it.

*This does not include people who are invited to my friends list for a specific purpose - class, professional, etc. Unless I *also* find commonalities with that person, they are generally on my friends list "for the duration" only.

1> Are all your friends on your friends list?

No

2> Do you have names on your friends list that make you wonder, "Who is that?"

No

3> Does quantity matter to you? If so, are you comfortable with a small list of caring friends that you would drop the world for? Or, are you happier with a big list so that you don't have to be concerned about being alone at any time of the day?

This is a BIGGIE for me. I'm an only child and an only grandchild on one side of the family. I am quite content with my own company and solitude and many times prefer it.

My preferred form of socializing is one-on-one chat or at the most 4 people, 2 couples for example. Groups of people with chat flying everywhere in RL and SL wears me out.

4> Reaction to 2, how often do you drop names from your friends list? And, how often does it result in a offended, disappointed, confused IM?

Not as often as I used to. My current friends list is made up of a smaller group of people with whom I feel comfortable. I've had a few people IM me after I have dropped them, mainly to express concern and make sure I'm ok. (I have a chronic health condition of which my friends are aware.)

5> Reaction to 4, how often do you find a name disappear from your friends list? And, how do you react to it?

Not often. A few months ago a person disappeared that rather puzzled me, especially as we had just had a very good visit. If someone drops me, they have the right to do so without my questioning. Things happen. Sometimes ones who left contact me later and we reconnect; sometimes not and the world goes on.

6> Map access: Who gets it? Why?

Only my partner - no one else needs to know where I am.

Finally...
7> Are there any "Untouchables"? Friends that would be the kill-all/end-all if they were to ever be dropped from your list?

There are some I would be sadder to lose than others (my partner for example) but I've lived long enough now to know that the only constant is change and things happen for a reason. At risk of sounding trite: If a door shuts, a window usually opens.

1> Are all your friends on your friends list?

No. Most of my friends are from the 2 SL Forums I visit, and and some of them I've never even met inworld, let alone friended. Others are RP contacts.


2> Do you have names on your friends list that make you wonder, "Who is that?"

No

3> Does quantity matter to you? If so, are you comfortable with a small list of caring friends that you would drop the world for? Or, are you happier with a big list so that you don't have to be concerned about being alone at any time of the day?

No.


4> Reaction to 2, how often do you drop names from your friends list? And, how often does it result in a offended, disappointed, confused IM?

I don't drop a friend now unless I know they have totally left SL or something has happened to sever any relationship. in either case there is never any confused response.


5> Reaction to 4, how often do you find a name disappear from your friends list? And, how do you react to it?

It's happens occasionally, usually from someone who I haven't seen a a long time. I don't give it any thought


6> Map access: Who gets it? Why?

Nobody. I see no need to know where I am when you aren't with me, just as I am not interested in what you are doing. It's not about doing anything I'm trying to hide, I just don't see the need for it.


7> Are there any "Untouchables"?

No. I take a casual, non committal approach to SL, and the idea of people just not coming back on any given day is part of it.


I don't like the Friends List as it it. I rarely give or accept friends requests now, usually only from forum people. Too many people fall more into acquaintance or contact category than really friends, and the SL ideas that we are supposed to know where we all are, what we are doing, and can just "barge in " on each other at all times is ridiculous.

If it makes any difference, I've not noticed anything "bad" from you recently.

Are all your friends on your friends list?
Pretty much "yes". Anyone I talk to even semi-regularly is on it unless they take themselves off.

Do you have names on your friends list that make you wonder?
Yes. I accept all friendship offers made in person.

Does quantity matter to you?
No.

How often do you drop names from your friends list?
Every six months or so, I will remove names that I have no clue who they are. I've never gotten even an IM about anyone I've dropped.

How often do you find a name disappear from your friends list? And, how do you react to it?
Mostly, I never notice. If it is someone I consider myself close to, I would drop them an IM. I don't get upset, because I know how easy it is to do something like that by accident.

Map access: Who gets it? Why?
My alts and only one close friend. I don't care if people track me on the map, but I am normally irritated when people TP in next to me without warning.

Are there any "Untouchables"? Friends that would be the kill-all/end-all if they were to ever be dropped from your list?
I don't drop anyone I have an ongoing personal or business relationship with. So I'd say "no".

Thanks. I hope so. I'm doing what I can to keep NCI out of my personal drama. It's only fair and maintains a professional environment. Though... I sure ain't doing much else to maintain a professional environment. Gotta have mah fun, ya' know? =^-^=