SL Relationships/Marriage?

Ok, I never got it... how people can have a real relationship in SL. How does that work? Do you dream of each other at night when you sleep? and when you do, do you dream of their avatar? Are you literally physically attracted to their avatar?

I know that a lot of people do find relationships online, but what I'm talking about is a little different. You never plan to meet, you don't know about each other's real lives, you are simply role playing, but you are in a real SL relationship. They are your boyfriend/girlfriend or SL spouse. Are you in love with them or is your avatar in love with thier avatar?

When you make SL love..lol...Are you serious about it? Besides just the maturbation factor, are you honesty and truly in love with this avatar?

I've wondered about this for a while, and I just thoguht I'd go ahead and ask.

I bet there are as many different answers as there are SL relationships.

Can't speak for everyone, but when my SL Partner and I are together in SL, our Players are sharing in the effort of making a piece of colaborative fiction for both of us to enjoy watching/reading. The "relationship" is between our two fictional on-screen avatars. We each act as author for the character that we created, writing our replies in real-time, as that character would respond. It's like doing improv theatre. And we are both the actors and the audiance.

It's very different from a RL relationship. More like watching a pleasant movie. But we each can direct what the actors on the screen are doing.

As far as the real people go, we're just friends. I don't really have any emotional or physical attraction to the other Player. No more so than the actors in "Romeo and Juliet may actually have any passion for each other, even though the characters they portray on the stage may be quite passionately in love. They are a friend that I respect and trust, and who I like to hang out with. But not someone who, if we ever met in RL, I would be inclined to give more than a hug to.

That's probably the best answer. For some it will just be a form of Role Play, for some it will be a serious SL only thing, some take it to RL in various ways, either emailing, phoning, some eventually meet. It all depends on what you are looking for.

I havent formed any close relationship of this kind in SL.
Were I to be as interested as you appear to be in this subject Id satisfy my curiosity by getting out there and trying to form a relationship with someone myself.
Theres nothing better than 1st hand experience.

No fiction for me. No RP. I'm head over heels, warm fuzzies, can't-get-enough-of-you, madly in love with my BF. Don't care what he really looks like, his words are all that matter. We'll never meet, so what. Don't know how long this'll last - only been about 7 weeks. Yesterday we spent the ENTIRE day together and still had a hard time saying good night. If that ain't love, what is? Is it real? I don't care!

Now, I haven't really considered trying it myself. I have had a few friends that had an atractive avatar, and a good personality, and after a while I'll start to become slightly attracted to them, and begin to ask questions..and I'll tell you now, that's the biggest mistake you can make.. It's much more fun to imagine them as just thier avatar. Once you find out about who they are in RL, it takes all they mystery out and more often than not, you are not attracted to them anymore...lol

Once guy had a really sexy avatar, now I'm not cartoony so I didn't become attracted to him until after a long time of being his friend, but as soon as I started asking questions, I regretted it. I found out that he nothing like I thought he was, no where near the age I imagined, and once I saw his pic, I suddenly completely regretted it.

I have to agree, Penny. You're much better off just accepting the avatar that they present, as they are presented, with no expectations of carrying it on to RL. Enjoy the fiction. Then it doesn't matter if the person that you're interacting with is 18 or 80; male or female; married or single. What matters is that you're both enjoying having your avatar interact with their avatar. And that you both understand and accept that this is all it is.

There's no way to really *know* what the other real person is like, short of maybe setting up a webcam and voice connection, or seeing them in person. And even if you do that, you're beter off approaching such meetings with no more expectations than "this may be a new friend".

The situations certainly isn't a new one. Way before computers, one had similar issues with "pen pals" - strangers one would start corresponding with by postal mail. Sometimes such letters would become love letters, and when the people did meet, they were often dissapointed.

It is so easy in an on-line VR environment like SL to present yourself as someone completely different than your real self. In my opinion, it's foolish to use a venue like this to seek a real relationship.

Can it also work out well? Certainly. But the odds are, in my opinion, heavily stacked against an on-line relationship becoming a good RL one.

I will add that this approach will NOT work for everyone. Not all people can maintain a seperation between themselves and the characters they play on-line. If you are a person who does not feel they can keep a clear seperation between what they do on-line and what they do and feel in RL, then I would steer clear of on-line romance entirely.

You see, like rl, the unexpected happens. I joined (well actually my alt brother, I just say that otherwise he'll get cross, but he'd not answer a thread like this) over a year ago, came to all that confusion where newbies arrive, hung around for a while, was invited home by a Help Person, and we found that first day that talking to each other was just as rewarding and exciting as any experience we had had in real. Really, it was a genuine meeting of minds. I never meant to fall in love, didnt believe it was remotely possible. I came to SL with completely different motives. She was, I think, just as surprised. We've been together for 13 months, and feel inseparable.

Strange, no? A lifetime academic, and I often get more profound intellectual and cultural stimulation with my wild cat than in the senior common room.

Yes you are right, it's not like an ordinary rl relationship. Hmm. Nor are most rl relationships.

(By the way - sex. Talking is vital in rl sex, of course, but its absolutely central in sl sex. I am sure we talk much more in sl sex than rl, and maybe more easily find honesty about desire. I've learned much about my own sexuality in this relationship, and hers, that would have been possible, but very much more difficult, in rl. So the comparison is NOT only one way).

Hi Penny, with your second post I think you prove Madhu absolutely correct. We all have a different take on it, reflecting or developing from our own characters:
I brought my RL fiancee into SL so was never after an SL girlfriend. I shan't confuse the issue with alts. Bilbo meets people and cannot resist delving into the RL providing the other person is ok. This for me, enhances the experience of getting to meet people all over the world. This is it for me.
I have an RL friend with an RL husband but her avatar has a boyfriend. She tells me it's not a serious relationship and that if she was serious she would probably stay with brits. However! she has shared the knowledge this boyfriend has an alt (sorry, I meant I wouldn't confuse with MY alts ) and HE has an SL girlfriend too. So, is he really cheating or just play cheating on my RL friend?
Yep, probably as many answers as posters

I also think that it's important to respect your fellow residents. If they are in an SL-relationship, respect it, rather than mocking it. I have seen a few people get really upset when told that their relationship is "fake, because this is only a game".

It all comes down to the newbie advice of remembering that behind the avatars there are real people with real feelings.

To expand on Kalderis post, the vital thing is that the partners in the relationship realise to what depth each other are taking it. The last thing you want is someone 'playing' at a virtual romance when the partner is taking it for real.

I couldn't agree more with that statement. This is VITAL.

very important thing.



Of course the people upset because most of the SL relationship are more than only bits and code.

my SL and RL is the same thing ... maybe all think this guy is crazy but I meet my Sl partner more than 1 year ago she is from Spain and Im from Argentina we run a bussines from rl to sl for companies and a lot more.
In one point of the relationship we agree to meet on Rl, that mean she come to Argentina or I go to Spain, finally we agree to she come to my country. Let me say was the best 15 days (that was notice even in television here lol )on my life she meet my family, friends etc ,then she back to her conuntry afther that, but this year she comes again to visit me and my family before I go to her contry and live togheter and i hope live happy for ever and ever.

PSorry for my bad english but before I get on SL i dont know any word on english.

I never ever thought I would be partnered in Sl. However, I find myself partnered to a very special guy. Is this a real relationship? Yes and no. I really RLcare for him and we are friends. But we have both agreed that this is just our fantasy. Do we communicate when not inworld? Yes, all the time.

I am not so much physically attracted to the avatar as I am the person who controls it. Do I fantasize about my partner in my RL dreams? Yes I do and see both pixel and RL.

I think of my patnership as two people who are very close as friends, who care about eachother RL and SL, and occasionally cyber.

It's just a fantasy - however my buxom redhead fantasy talks to me and says nice things to me -that's pretty damn bloody nice for starters.

It gets to a point when interacting with a certain person passes the 'enjoyment' stage, and enters the 'preferrential' and 'addicting' stage. It's a personna addiction that's really no different than a relationship in RL. All the things you would do for a special someone in RL, you try to do for them in SL... because they matter.

My Sl relationship is like your 2nd paragraph above, except for one thing.. it is NOT roleplay. I don't "pretend" to care for this person for the sake of a story, i honestly do care. The only things I know about him are his age and what state he lives in, and for what we have in SL together, I don't need to know any more. We'll never meet in RL. I have not seen his RL picture... I don't care to.
To me, his wonderful personality is associated with his attractive AV. They are one. What happens to his AV happens to him to a certain degree. Getting intimate is just another way to share something special with someone special. IT IS serious because there's another real person in there who wants to please me as much as I want to please them. Call it a twist on the old "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" saying.

I'm too happy-go-lucky to form any binding relationships in SL. I'm happy just having friends I bump into at my various regular haunts.

But if people want deep relationships in SL and they find them rewarding, fine, I'm very happy for them. Nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn't start messing up RL's.

ugh.

Love is from the heart. It is the desire and the understanding. Love is a conscious choice for the greater good. I have mentioned this before, but when communications are unfettered by the physical world, the feelings are more intense. You are touching each other where emotions dwell. How could you not call that a real relationship.

I am speaking of a past love here, but yes. I dreamed of her. Still do. Dreams are very fluid things but most of the time she looks like her avatar for the most part.

I find her avatar attractive. But that is not the same thing, is it. A long time ago as a teenager, we used to say beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. As a naive brat that I was I thought we were making fun of unattractive people. I have since learned better; I have met too many drop dead sexy women with blackened souls. I assume the same can be said for men as well. So, yes, I am literally physically attracted to her, but the skin of that avatar is of little consequence. There are a thousand more that look like her out there, but they are not her and it is very easy to tell the difference.

Never planned to met, correct. We do know each other's real lives. Our families, interests, her favorite foods, what makes her relaxed after a bad day, we know many of each other's RL friends. She was my spouse. I was in love with her heart; the person who lives in the physical body.

Yes. And BTW, there is no need to self-stimulate. Personally I preferred cuddles and chat; the sex animations where more for her. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it because I assure you I did, but they were not necessary. A slow dance with a kind soul will leave me feeling more fulfilled then an hour in bed with an escort. But then I'm an old fart. Your experiences will probably be different.

[edited for copious typeos and poor spelling ]

I am perhaps in a minority here. My SL relationship is far more RL than SL - we met here but we seem to just play SL in the way that I do with my RL friends. The entire shape and progression was not SL based and where it goes I don't know. I wasn't looking for it, I wasn't expecting it, it's warts and all as much as it can be at a distance and both of us have in the past had long term relationships which started online. Pretty much similarly, actually, without the entertainment factor of SL just plain 'ol IRC.

It feels calm and warm and friends-first-before-anything without the BS, drama and hassles of an SL relationship. Urgh. No thanks. I made a couple of mistakes which I will never revisit in my time here.

All these questions depend on the person themselves.

The people behind the av have feelings and as such those feelings come into play when they interact with another person as far as relationships are concerned.

I guess it would take you to try it one day so you can get an understanding of how it is. Usually, people who don't play don't understand why certain emotions and feelings rise between players.

You can see this as your personal fantasy if you will. You immerse yourself into it doing and saying things you might not normally do in rl as many have admitted.

Without meeting them in person you do get to know them and about them and they about you. This is especially true in voice for many reasons. Now, if you want to proceed further in rl then that's up to the indiviuals themselves.

Many excellent points here.

Many times you do get to know about their immediate families and their personal history. It all depends on how strong the relationship has developed.

Noxie and I have been together for over 3 month now, was 3 month as of the 17th. We met not looking to get involved, how easy a few tentative words or greeting and compliment can change that. We had hurtles to our relationship that we managed to get past them, became exclusive to each other. We have our lovers spats, occasionally say something that upsets the other, nearly broke up once, but always we talked it out and loved each other all the more. We think a lot alike even though we are two totally different people, can hardly stand being apart and not in world with each other, we trade E-mails during the day while we are at RL work. We will be celebrating our SL marriage in a little more than half a month, the first Saturday after valentines day which ironically and totally unplanned happens to be the day before our dating anniversary.

In short for us is it true love? Yes it is. It was never really the physical attraction of our avatars that brought us together, it was our social interactions with each other. The physical stuff came later and is all the amazing because we do love each other. We worry, miss each other, wait with baited breath to get "Home" to one another and to get that next tender, loving email, we feel all the same things that RL lovers do when they are truly in love.

Whoohoo! kudos! You said it better than I did!

Noxie is not the first woman I fell in love with online. My first love Ana was taken from me in RL violence. I loved Ana to, though I was too naive to realize it at the time, she was my first love. I did dream of her, she never looked anything like her pictures in my dreams and this was before SL, I never even saw her character "Luci'" I only ever read the description of her and made the rest of the image from my feelings. Knew alot about Ana's RL to, that she had a young daughter, would often spend hours chatting with her in IRC, comforting her when she needed it. When she was killed it took me a good 5 years to open up again, and then I met Noxie and love her even more because my love for her is returned.