The Hitchhikers Guide to Second Life

Havoc : A branch of the code-tree of life responsible for ensuring that the Newtonian laws of motion are extended into Second Life. While in real life an out of control vehicle will often wreck havoc with your life, in Second Life, Havoc will often wreck your vehicle out of control.

Rumors have sprung from the bowels of Linden Labs, where the evil Dr. Andrew Linden concocts his plans for redefining Newtonian motion, that a more virulent (Andrew claims that the proper adjective is "robust" Havoc will spring forth, and spread throughout the universe. Rational beings, having heard such threats for years now, have concluded that Havoc-2 is merely a pipe dream, and will never see the light of day.

- Ace

May Douglas Adams rest in peace. The following's original source should be obvious:


AREA: Infinite.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of the word "Infinite."

Infinity: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "WOW, that's big," time. Infinity is just so big that, by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.

Because there are no bounds to virtual space beyond the scope of our minds, this area is infinite.




IMPORTS: None.
While it is possible to import from an alternate "infinite universe," it is a well known fact that a finite number of imports divided by infinite is essentially zero.




EXPORTS: None.
See Imports.




POPULATION: None.
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited.

Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the sims in the Metaverse can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Metaverse is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.




MONETARY UNITS: None.
In fact there are three freely convertible currencies in the Galaxy, but none of them count. The Linden Dollar has recently collapsed, the IGE IOU is only exchangeble for other IGE IOUs, and the US Dollar has its own very special problems.

Its exchange rate of eight IOUs to one US Dollar is simple enough, but since a US Dollar is a circular coin six thousand eight hundred miles along each side (in Second Life units), no one has ever collected enough. Linden Dollars are not negotiable currency, because the World's Banks refuse to deal in fiddling small change.

From this basic premise it is very simple to prove that the Banks are also the product of a deranged imagination.




ART: None.
The function of art is to hold the mirror up to nature, and there simply isn't a mirror big enough - see point one (area).




SEX: None.
Well, in fact there is an awful lot of this, largely because of the total lack of money, trade, banks, art or anything else that might keep all the nonexistent people of the Metaverse occupied.

However, it is not worth embarking on a long discussion of it now because it really is terrible complicated. For further information see Guide Chapters Seven, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Fourteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Nineteen, Twenty-One to Eighty-Four inclusive, and in fact, most of the rest of the Guide.




The Planet Earth:
"Mostly Harmless"

Far out in the uncharted backwater of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.

Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

This planet has a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggessted for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

And so the problem remained; lots of the people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.

Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans.

But that is life on this utterly insignificant little blue-green planet called EARTH.



How to Leave the Planet

1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.
2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House - (202) 456-1414 - to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
3. If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.
4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.
6. If all else fails, log in to Second Life, or a similar world. In no time flat, you'll lose touch with the real world and, for all practical purposes, be Off The Planet.

GOOD LUCK!

Dude, I just dialed the Pope!!!












(but he was busy on another call with God)

Alts

Hundreds of nonexistent entities entirely derived from the three (or four) actual Betaverse avatars that inhabit the current Metaverse. Known for their chameleon like shapeshifting and mastery of clever disguise, some sources (see: three or four actual Betaverse avatars) claim that they can be spotted wearing hoochie hair (see: Hoochie Hair above), bling (see: Bling above), standing mutely in bent self hugging poses, or covering themselves with a poorly understood wormhole mask called a chimera. One obscure reference notes, and I quote: 'during an SL blue moon, some alts engage in a loud chanting of "I am NOT an alt!", ' endquote.

Approach with caution: these nonentities are famous for retreating into cleverly contorted prim cubes to avoid detection, because they do not carry towels.

Hahaha... this is great. I've never read the book or seen the movie, but this thread is funny unto itself!

Those letters may be large, but I would argue that they are not especially friendly.

Geez, one movie, and everyone starts jumping on the bandwagon!

(Sorry, another bad pun, I'll explain it further if anyone doesn't get it.)

One movie? What about the book? and the radio series? and the TV series? (Currently being shown (again) on BBC 2 11:25pm Tuesdays..)

Sniff I don't get the BBC....walks off sulking...

Don't forget the text-only Infocom game!

Stand up.
Put on robe.
Look in pocket.
Get analgesic.
Take analgesic.
S
Get junk mail.
S
Lie down in front of bulldozer
Wait
Wait
Wait
Wait
Take towel from Ford
S
S
Drink beer
Drink beer
Drink beer
Buy sandwich
Buy peanuts
N
Give sandwich to dog
N
Wait
Get thumb
Press green button

...etc...

Lindens: Mostly useless.

This may just have been the greatest thread in the history of the SL forums...

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Phoenix

AV Sex: Originally introduced to the world by the renowned sexpert, Zoey Jade, this entails a combination of animations, poses and text, designed to sexually stimulate and excite players within the world of Second Life, giving the shallow illusion of an active sex life and of an actual intimate experience, while avoiding any real personal contact or chances of disease.

Several cult-like religions and sub-cultures have formed around this type of activity, some viewing it as a spiritual awakening, while others oppose it as the harbringer of decedance and corruption, which will, eventually, lead to the downfall of Second Life civilization.

Torley, you HAVE to read the book! You would LOVE it.

Zaphod is just zis guy, you know?

Yeah Torley, it is a prerequisite of life that you read the book. Not just a book mind but a trilogy in five parts no less. However a word of warning. The part which details Vogon poetry may induce facial tics. Learn this lesson...

...Vogon poetry is of course the third worst poetry in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem "Ode to A Small Lump of Green Putty I Found In My Armpit One Midsummer Morning" four of his audience died of internal haemorraging, and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos is reported to have been "dissapointed" by the poems reception and was about to embark upon a reading of his twelve-book epic entitled "My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles" when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilisation, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain...

The hhgttg is so funny that 7 out of 10 people immediately start reading it again upon finishing it for the 1st time. And it's just dotted with classic lines man...."The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't". Ok gonna stop this as I am rapidly turning into an anorak.

Go buy the book Torley and anyone else who hasn't already and read it. I command you all.

At LEAST 7/10.

And don't ever read it when you have anything at all to accomplish. You will not be able to put it down. YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SLEEP.

O_O

I actually own "The Illustrated Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

It was the best investment I ever made. It's GINORMOUS! I either have to sit indian-style on the floor/bed/ground/whatever with it in my lap, or lay out flat on my tummy to read it. Makes me feel like a kid.

Which reminds me - I should totally re-read it - for like the umpteenmillionth time!

I was referring to the fact that this thread wouldn't be here if it weren't for the new movie, silly head!

Wow, I actually decided to start this project on saturday without knowing about this thread. I am writing an actually HitchHikers Guide to Second Life, if anyone wants to help contribute please do.

Also, I may use some of these entries, with proper credit and upon permission, of coruse.

Feel free to use mine if you like them

I may try to make more if i think of it.

Hehehe... thanks Zaphod for the recommendation!

Yes, someday it may come to me in a crazy dream.

Those dreams lead me just about everywhere I go...

Good, I just IM'ed you. While we are on this subject, I am currently looking for Guide writers as well. This is a completely non-profit project.