Have you cheated on your RL partner with somebody in SL?

Exactly!
Lust in the heart is lust in the heart even in a mind set.

Muwahahahah! I laugh at your Spork!

Ah, the good old thought crime reminds me of Matthew 5:28 (even looking at another woman is adultery, doesn't matter that J's daddy screwed a married woman too). If cheating doesn't involve physical contact, everyone cheats constantly. At least every male.

Besides, I find the mere idea of "cheating" quite odd. As if it was a game... "My genetic programming forces me to desire sexual intercourse with 20% of the population of this planet, but I have a bet running with my best friend that I'll torture myself by surpressing my natural desires, unless I'm with her and she happens to have no headache for a change."
What a peculiar game, from a biological point of view. Just imagine we'd view another important body function the same way, like food ingestion for example... "You ate with another person!", "You were thinking of having a snack with her!", "Group eating is a sin! Repent before it's too late!", "What, you shared food with your dog? Pervert!", "But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh after a snack and licketh his lips in company of others hath commited adultery with them already in his heart."

Very true. This sounds much like my personal definition of cheating: you are cheating if you have contact with someone else and feel the need to hide either the contact or the nature of that contact from your spouse.

I can (under certain conditions) have sex with others and even fall in love with others without cheating. In my relationship trouble would start if I felt the need to turn to someone else with emotional issues *instead* of turning to my husband, i.e. if I would shut him out while confiding in another. That is one of the things that would constitute cheating in our relationship. That is something you can do on-line, emotional infidelity. You don't even have to slap pixel or co-author any porn script to do that.

To me, here's the method by which we determine whether cyber-sex with others on the internet constitutes cheating on one's real life partner.

1. Did you tell your partner that you intended to engage in cyber-sex, with the response from your partner that your partner doesn't mind? If the answer is yes, it's not cheating.

2. Do you engage in cyber-sex while you tell your partner that you do not? If the answer is yes, that is cheating.

3. Do you engage in cyber-sex and just don't say anything about it to your partner one way or another? If the answer is yes, then that is probably cheating, since the likely reason you don't want to mention it is because you know your partner won't approve.

4. Do you engage in cyber-sex, with full knowledge of your partner, despite the fact that your partner doesn't approve? If the answer is yes, I don't know if that's cheating or not. But I do know that you have a screwed-up relationship.

Before there can be "cheating," there must be rules. The important set of rules is the set rules to which you and your partner mutually agree as the basis of your relationship.

Plenty of women feel that their husbands looking at Porn is cheating as well.

Only we and our partners know our personal relationships where we can define cheating. Most people know it when they do it in RL. I'd imagine the same is true here. If it doesn't feel right, or you don't feel it is something you'd tell your partner, you probably are cheating.

emotional cheating is still cheating

No, cybersex is not a thought crime, it is an action. You are thinking of fantasy, but that is not what I am talking about. Cybersex is not real *physical* contact, but it is *real* contact with a *real* person. As real as when you talk with your mom on the phone, nothing fake about that either, you are not just 'imagining' the conversation, you are actually having a real conversation.



You're preaching to the choir, I am poly myself. For me fidelity has precious little to do with exclusivity and everything with loyalty. But I also know that I don't make up the rules for other relationships. If cybersex is considered cheating in a relationship, than it *is* cheating in that relationship.

Suzy, would you be comfortable with me quoting you for my article from the various posts you have answered with today? Your story sounds interesting and relevant to my topic

Of course we talked about it first. In fact we sometimes sit at the screen together.

I do agree with Suzy. I feel that also its a matter of perception. if you spouse (significant other) thinks you are cheating it does not matter that you don't think so.

Sure, no problem!

If you have any questions, you know where to find me.

-edited to add: also please feel free to edit out typos and such. English is not my native language...

There, that sums it up rather nicely. In my husband's case, when he cybers, he asks ME if it's okay or if I have a problem of any sort with it. If I have a problem with it, that ends the idea of him cybering with that person right there.

If he were to cyber without letting me know, I'd be ticked, because it means he's hiding something from me and I can no longer trust him. That's cheating!

I wouldn't dare to try and set up rules for other people's relationships. I'm just pointing out the oddity of being emotionally hurt when a beloved person follows a call of nature I could understand if it was only about the exclusiveness of trusting a person with one's emotional issues, or about sharing the most intimate thoughts / fantasies with one person only. But a biological need is a different thing for me.

On the other hand, enforced chastity is a sexual kink as well. Insofar I can understand it; if I like to see my partner suffer and enjoy controlling her/him, such rules (perhaps enforced by a chastity belt) make sense to me. It's a bit dangerous though; I found that chastity leads to emotional instability. Especially males tend to get emotionally worked up or even aggressive if they don't have sex at least 1-2 times a day, so it's almost a social responsibility to engage in sex as often as possible. Could likely have avoided some wars in the past.

Personally my RL partner doesnt mind what goes on in SL as long as I do not 1) do the phone or 2) meet the person in RL it is all good
His exact words were along the lines of, roleplaying a fantasy isnt bad as long as RL and SL is kept seperate. He has watched me play SL a few times and while he doesnt really understand my attraction to SL he doesnt knock it ( too badly LOL )

As long as you are honest with your partner and dont try to hide things i think its all good but start keeping secrets or worse
LYING then all bets are off.

Arwyn, perhaps to keep the thread on topic, you may want to suggest they contact you online. Most people won't admit in public that they cheated (real or imagined or however you define it) in a public area.

I have some friends in SL that may be interested in your research. I'll IM them this evening. Send me an IM in game to remind me, please. Otherwise, I'll forget. (I'm old, sorry!)

A

I think this topic is…interesting. Is it cheating if you’ve had virtual sex once or twice for fun and experimentation? No. Is it cheating if you continually seek out the same partner, and spend the majority of time having sex, or constantly acting out a relationship? Yes.

You have to draw a line.

I think the same people that are jealous about digital flirting, are the same people that think having sex in a dream is cheating. You think I’m making that up? I’ve been with several girls that have read my dream journal, and were pissed to find things in there about other women and encounters…you’re either secure in yourself, or you're not. You either trust your partner, or you don’t. And if you can't trust yourself...the answer is clear.

Are you talking just sex? Seems a bit shallow to me. There are many people who are married in real life and have different partners in Second Life for whom they have developed some pretty emotionally intense feelings. In cases like this, the pixel bumping part is the least of the problem.

Whatever the case may be, it is only "cheating" if it violates a covenant you have made with your real life partner.

In RL, I am married to a wonderful Woman. In SL i have had numerous affairs, and have been married twice. My longest affair is Over five years, the average length of my affairs is one to two years, and my Wife has known about All of them, and has approved of Most of them (Some didn't turn out as well as others and she hated seeing me hurt).
So,, have i cheated? No, Not at all. I would never think of Sneaking, or concealing an affair from my Wife, and i would never think of embarking on one without her knowledge, and approval.

Angel.

Exactly. It's a violation of your emotional intimacy with your spouse.

I was seeing a man in SL whom I thought was single. His wife somehow figured out that he was doing something more in SL than playing Slingo and she created an avie for herself and came in world to confront me. They had a passionate reconciliation in SL and in RL and I'm left standing there lied to by the man and confronted as a homewrecker by the woman.

It's easy to post here and say that a person's relationship with their RL spouse is irrelevant once in SL because it's all just pixels. In reality, though, there are real people at the keyboards (and in the next room) and real feelings are involved.

And that his masturbatory routine is a slight to them, or dirty and wrong somehow...neither of which makes any sense to me. Well, unless done to excess...if he's neglecting her in favor of porn and masturbation, that's an issue which needs to be addressed.



But a lot of people view sex as more than just a 'biological need,' myself included. I mean, that aspect is definitely in there, but it's also a tangible expression of how they feel for their partner...a physical declaration of love, deep friendship, and trust. It's an emotional interaction, not just a biological one, and finding out your partner is off 'emoting' with someone else IS hurtful. Even if it was 'just sex' for the straying partner, the other will probably either have trouble believing it, because it wouldn't have been for them, or will be pissed off that their lover would chance destroying the relationship for something which meant nothing to them. Part of being in a relationship is avoiding actions you know would hurt the other person, regardless of your personal feelings on the matter. If you can't, or if you resent being asked to do so, maybe it's not the right relationship for you. *shrug*

I couldn't cheat on my RL girl with anyone in SL.

For one thing, we met in SL so she's not ignorant to what goes on there.

For another, I don't stay with someone that makes me want to cheat on them. I either fix the situation or change the situation.

For ANOTHER, her computer is in the same room as mine so I'd totally get caught!

It's really amazing how differently we can all feel about the same subject. I guess it just comes down to whether it's working for your RL partner. If [they] feel uncomfortable, then it shouldn't continue. Humans are so vastly different in their beliefs of cheating and infidelity.

It's a case by case basis.

There's logic (discussion of biological needs, pointing out conflicting ideals, etc.) and then there are people's feelings, which have nothing to do with logic.

I, too, believe that sexual monogamy is not logical. However, that isn't often the point. There have been times in RL where I felt slighted even in an open relationship because it was pretty clear my SO was putting the other person in a higher priority than me (cancelling something we were going to do together to visit the other person, etc.)

That's not about the sex, that's about feeling left out and unimportant. I would have felt the same way if my SO had broken a dinner date with me to go have dinner with someone else.

I've been lied to, even in open relationships. All of those things were hurtful and it wasn't specifically about someone having sex though sometimes that was the action behind the scenario.

I've also heard people (mostly men) use the "But it's nature", "Wouldn't you say I could go out to dinner with my friends? Why not sex then?", and "It didn't mean anything", "You shouldn't feel that way, it's illogical" as tactics to browbeat their SO's into feeling that they had no right to be hurt over something that -really wasn't about the sex but about a deeper issue of trust and respect.-

I've also known psycho jealous people (mostly women) who freak out if their man so much as IMs an old buddy on the computer, read all their mail, and control their lives so that they can't ever spend a minute of their lives without their spouse's 'approval.'

So let's not be playing the 'logic/biology' card, or the 'everything is hurtful to me' card in this thread, please.

It simply comes down to the individual people involved, the rules of their relationship, their feelings (which are rarely logical), and what they are willing to accept/tolerate/perform in order to be together.

That includes what happens in SL, which is NOT just a thought in a man's head; it is an action that people take with other people through the medium of a computer.