Moving On - Thoughts From a Former SL Addict

Ok, I am fully aware that the nature of all forums will likely turn this post into an argument, but I wanted to write down some of my thoughts on SL from the perspective of a former addict. Please bear with me if I start to ramble.

I created my first SecondLife avitar in February of 2006. At that time, I was having some serious marital and personal issues in my real life and I found SL more than a tad alluring. I saw it as an opportunity to be the "ideal me"...everything from the way I looked, to how I behaved in social situations, to shopping, work, and "family". I quickly made friends and and began logging in on a regular basis.

Unexpectedly, I passed numerous SL milestones that I did not see coming. I have been in "SL love" three times during the past year and a half. Made hundreds of thousands of L as a DJ. Learned to build, bargain shop, help newbies and adopt family members. I have met some of the nicest, most interesting people and forged friendships that transferred to my Real Life.

My Second Life became paramount to me....when I was not logged in, I felt as if I were asleep almost...away from the world where I lived. At times, I spent up to 14 hours per day in-world. The people in my real life took a back burner, along with real world responsibilites and commitments. Do not get me wrong, I do not feel that this was in any way the fault of the game. The reasons are simple: I was so unhappy with my real life, that I took the opportunity to create a second life very seriously, and I was bound and determined to make it better than my first life.

The result was an undeniable neglect of myself and my family. The ramifications so severe that the consequences forced me out of Second Life if I was going to keep living. I had to start over in a sense...get a grip on my priorities and re-build the trust of confidence of my love ones. I am now divorced, a single mother trying to make ends meet. I no longer have the time to maintain much of a Second Life, though I admittedly miss the escape it provided. I am thankful for the friends I made, the lessons I learned and where I am today.

I'm not entirely sure why I am writing this. Perhaps as a warning to those who seek out their SecondLife in order to escape their real life. Perhaps as a confession to those who knew me back then. Regardless...I hope I don't get flamed too awfully bad from those defensive of their own motivations for being in-world. I am fully aware that MANY MANY people do not become as addicted as I was, and are able to maintain both lives without problems. To all, I wish only the best and I thank you for being part of my Second Life experience. It truly changed my life.

This is unfortunately, common with escapes, and it predates Second Life.

Sadly its too easy to ignore your Real Life in favor of one that is easier.

Good luck to you Jordan. Hopefully your Real Life Situation Improves.

It takes a lot of strength and willingless to see it through to break away from something like that, be it SL or some other form of escapism. I think it's great that you realzed that your SL use was causing more damage than it was healing and if only one person reads it and stops to think about their own use/abuse, it's worth any flaming.

Best of luck making the dreams you lived in SL actually come true in real life .

Hello Jordan, just a swift post before RL whisks me away for the weekend.
I sympathise and fully understand all you say. I was going through a rough patch in RL around the time I discovered SL. I've brought in some good RL friends whose distance from me restricts our RL meeting. SL is a godsend.

I recently suffered a bereavement. SL was immense escapism in a time that would have had me dangerously self-pitying. I'm pulling back up. SL is a huge part of me and I've made many friends both in-world and on the forum. I find it heartening to feel part of the SL community. Despite many posters here yes, it is a community ... even if it is a game.

Life's a game. SL helps put it into perspective for me.

I see no reason for anyone to flame you. A very poignant story. SL can be easily addicting. I came with no experience in any online game or social setting, and got drawn in immediately. During a snowy Saturday, I could spend 8 hours or better on line. But from the beginning, I've always considered SL an amazingly entertaining game, no more. This helps keep it in perspective for me. And no matter how entertaining it is,it is no substitute for real life, at least for me. I hope all works out for you, and maybe one day you will even return to second life, for better reasons.

So... a moral/ethical/social question for all you out there... I have a friend "Joe." He is married and has a child. He recently quit his job. He spends hours and hours in SL, talking to his SL girlfriend, whom he loves. I don't know Joe in RL; he is an SL friend of mine. He is convinced that his life has been miserable for the last 20-odd years and he's only now found "himself" and "reality" regarding friendships, love, relationships, etc.

I know that everyone is different, and I know that I can certainly never know exactly how his life has been, and I know that we all have different ideas of what SL is.... but I'm feeling rather alarmed that he would quit his job, leave his wife, leave his son, and move to a different continent for a woman he's never met.

My question: Do I SAY anything to him? Is it even my business? Am I being too judgmental? I feel like he is addicted to SL, but I don't want to hurt him by effectively saying that his dreams are just that; that RL is REAL LIFE, and he will hurt his RL family by following his SL dream... any advice?

Thank you all! See, this is why I could not possibly attempt to place blame on SL or it's residents for my own escapism and the resulting problems in my RL. A began getting away from SL about 3 months ago, with my precise goal being "making the dreams I lived in SL actually come true in real life" (well put Kitty!) So far, I have found that I am well on my way to doing so.

Thank you all again for the support and understanding.

*HUGZ*,
Jord

Personally, I think that all you can do is say honestly, "dude, I think you are making a huge mistake, but it's none of my business, so I won't bring it up again."

People will utlimately do what they really want to do, no matter the consequences.

Maybe escaping from real life was actually the best thing you could have been doing for yourself for awhile. Although you came to realize that it had become an addiction that was limiting you, the important thing is that you did realize it and were able to stop and get back to the business of living.
All in all you may be coming out the other end stronger, happier and a better parent. I hope so and wish you the best.

Well just my opinion - Since Ive seen things Like this before ..

First bit of advice - considering it will really affect Joe's immediate future - IS Hopefully his SL girlfriend WANTS him to move in with her. Ive known situations where this wasnt the case.

After that immediate need is met - its fair to remind him not to neglect his RL kid, either financially or emotionally - So he'll need to be able to work in that new country. How hes going to manage to emotionally help his son living on another continent ... seems tricky to me. This is all technically his business too, but his kid matters more than his romance.

His relationship with his RL wife is totally his business. Even if you are his friend.

Good point Colette... that's how I feel too. The child is VERY important in this issue.

If you care about him I think you have to respectfully but honestly tell him how you feel one time even if he isn't receptive and more if he is.

I go on SL when I have nothing to do. I make it a point never to make appointments to meet up with anyone in SL. I never commit to taking part in a particular event in SL. I also have no interest in finding "love" in SL.

I consider my friends in SL to be RL friends because we talk about RL just as much as SL. If they were in town I'd make an effort to meet them. I also am selective with those whom I consider "friends"...in ANY life!

It's easy to get sucked into something where you feel like you control your surroundings. You just have to go into it with a disciplined approach!

I'm sorry you feel the need to limit yourself in SL. Not sure why committing to attend one event would be too much for you. Slippery slope? Never make appointments to meet up? Huh.

انا لا اصدق كيف غباء هذا هو الخي

What's stupid?

for every unique individual in SL, there is a unique and individual reason they are there. They may be similar in some way and not in others.

we all have our reasons for being in sl, and for some of us those reasons change with each passing day.

wish you all the best with what your life, be it first or second, throws your way.

First off, nice post Jordan. Well said.

All the members of my in-world family are heavy SL users. One of them even makes her primary living in-world.

This said, there is a big family rule: RL before SL. We try to keep that in mind at all times.

Mari

I do not view my real life and Second Life as two separate entities. Rather SL is an aspect of my RL. A place I go to hang out with friends and participate in group activities, much as one would to a bar, church group, or community center.

I would agree, though, that SL before RL, just as one would have to place their family and other responsibilities before their social activities.

The tricky part with any of these is keeping everything in balance.

The day I blow off someone or something IRL for an event in SL is the day I'll have to re-evaluate my life. I would just rather not let it get to that point.

It's still just entertainment to me!

Ok, now I'm confused. Why would you need to "blow off" someone to go to an event in SL? Sorry, guess I'm just confused.

I'm an avatar who has lived in SL since Sept 2006 so I guess I have to be addicted!!!

But I sometimes wonder about whether I am being fair on my RL agency, allowing it to be open and eavesdropping on my activities for so long. It is a bit understaffed - one person has to do all the work there!

Seriously - I've seen addiction signs in other people addicted to other computer games and I fear I see the same in my agent. The key element of addiction is that you are either playing or, when not playing, waiting to play again.

When I have achieved the tasks I have planned I intend to scale down my SL activity but I hope I'll always be here.

Let me explain it this way. If I said "I will assist in your event on Thursday" to someone in SL I would feel obligated to attend. If between now and Thursday someone in RL wanted me to do something at the same time as this SL event, my first response would be to say "naw I have other plans"...then I'd feel like a dork because these plans are in SL.

HOWEVER, I realize that everyone in SL are real people and would feel bad if I was a no show because they have feelings, too.

See the conflict I'd be in? I'd rather keep the equasion at RL>SL at all times.

SL addiction.........good topic !!!

I know if anything is done beyond moderation, it is a sure sign of a problem/issue.

So 8 hours ( that's a full working day) a week in SL would be considered........moderate?.............hmmm, maybe 4 hours a week is moderation???

I think it all depends on what's going on in the rest of your life.

If you're like me, you just moved to a new area and don't have many friends to go hang out with IRL (or money to go do stuff for that matter!!).

So while my g/f and I wait and save money we end up hanging out in SL and get our socializing kicks in there! We spend probably 2-4 hours a night sometimes.

That's not excess when you ain't got sh@t else to do! We also go a few months at a time without logging on depending on what's going on.


Now if you're on SL 2-4 hours a day instead of taking care of your kid or other RL obligations, then you have a problem!!!

That's how I see it anyway...