Big SL Wall Street Journal article Friday - lovers, take note...

Interesting. Married man in RL, is married to a woman in SL. His RL wife finds out about his SL wife, hits RL roof. All parties concerned out themselves, with photos and real names:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB118670164592393622.html

RL man's comment to RL wife: "It's only a game." RL wife (of seven months!) is, to say the least, distressed.

Nope, it's not a game.

"On a neurological level, players may not distinguish between virtual and real-life relationships, recent studies suggest."

Yup.

Whats a neuro? Is that like a Euro?

Well to be honest I don't think it's a great idea to have an SL love when you are involved with someone in RL, in most cases.

I know many people do that -- it depends on the nature of the relationships, however, as to whether it is problematic. If your RL relationship is "open", or you are openly polyamorous in RL, then it would likely be less of an issue provided that all relationships are getting the time they need. If your RL relationship is "committed" to some degree (and of course most RL marriages are like that), having a SL love is a bad idea -- I do think that regardless of what people say, the feelings, the emotional connection, formed in an SL relationship where there is a true connection are *real*, they are real in our brains, and if we have a RL emotional commitment to someone, having a SL love can be a kind of emotional betrayal, unless, again, the RL relationship is open, or the RL partner is aware of what is going on and is okay with it.

It's amazing how dismissive people are with the "it's just a game" comment. It may be "just a game" as you perceive it, but the feelings are just as real as they are anywhere else, in my view, and RL partners are smart enough to realize that.

I agree.

If you have a partner in RL, there is no need for you to go off and have relations in SL. Yes, real feelings are involved.

Id be pissed off if my gf or wife had some bf in SL. It would always say to me that she may not be totally into me.

I have a problem with people in RL marriages who also have SL relationships....but to each his own. I came into SL because my RL husband started playing last November. I used to sit sometimes and watch him, and how many women "hit" on him inworld. Even if he told them his wife was sitting there watching......either they didn't believe him or didn't give a f**k, either way it was a little irritating. Maybe it wouldn't have been such a big deal, but I originally met him online almost 7 years ago in yahoo chat, so I know that virtual relationships can definately translate to RL. But I solved the problem by coming into SL as soon as we got another PC hooked up and networked. Figured that if it was something he enjoyed, maybe I should join him and make my presence known. Now we're partnered on SL, and neither one of us would ever be comfortable with the other partnering with someone else. I enjoy playing with him, it's a different way to spend time together after the kids go to bed. We both have stores on there, we create, sell, explore, dance.....all without having to pay a babysitter! I think that people need to be very careful if they are involved in RL and involved in SL with someone different. It can, and has, destroyed families and marriages. People forget sometimes that if they can't see the actual person, it doesn't mean that actual feelings aren't involved......because they are. Llike I said...to each his own, but I prefer to keep my OWN man close and he prefers the same. Someone I don't actually know if not worth risking my homelife for...the facts as I see them. If you're married in RL, and involved in SL, more power to you....hope you're happy......just be careful!

That's true from what I've seen, scary..

How so? I mean I guess I don't see it as "scary" as long as people realize the limitations of the medium and respect those. If you do that, it can be a lot of fun, really.

ok so i just read the whole article, a really well writen one i must say and man, it is pathetic to be that absorbed in SL. Ok so your almost disabled and all that but he has a rl wife and he's going to lose her eventually because he is too weak to accept reality. he needs help.

Here's what the article made me want to say to the guy, "wake up, make the choice to be healthy in real life, quit the cigarettes, coffee and get some exercise and talk to your wife, sure you are middle aged but you aren't dead, that pathetic cyber-junkie you are becoming is going to get unhealthier and unhealthier until you will have a heart attack and die, man, it's suicide"

read the article and see how this guy is using SL as a denial of reality and a slow eventual suicide..

Well that's just pathetic. I honestly think if people can't distinguish between RL and SL, or have their computer time interfering with their RL significantly, it's an addiction like any other that needs to be addressed. Luckily, at least some of us can maintain the two spheres well enough most of the time, I would hope.

A article about a more typical scenario would have the RL man being caught by his RL wife knocking pixels with his SL lover girl, then finding that his hot SL babe is also a RL man.

In a MUSH setting, I'd agree with this. In a roleplay setting, I'd agree with this.

Only one problem with this.. Most people don't remotely roleplay in SL. For them, real life and virtual life are the same thing.

I feel bad for the wife, but he has issues that go beyond Second Life, and chances are he would cheat no matter what, Still kinda messy though. I wonder if he was messing with someone in say Yahoo, or MSN, would it have made the papers?

My best friend has a partner in SL, and a husband in RL, and they're not the same person. It's a huge stress, keeping it a secret. She frequently feels guilty, conflicted, immoral, and torn. She's occasionally attacked for it, and is just as frequently commiserated with. It's a very difficult thing to have done.

So why does she?

She fell for a woman. Yes - she is a woman. Yes, her partner is one too - also married. Yes, it does happen. Apparently it was revelatory.

Two cents.

I read the article. Sounded very typical. I know several people who seem to have duo lives going on here...People are really addicted to SL and lost in their fantasies. I think the positive side of SL is it CAN be theraputic to live out parts of yourself you normally deny. But is painful and miserable part of the time. I was amazed all the parties could be so honest about it and share with the reporter. I think they did alot of people a favor by telling their story.

True enough, which is why it's important to clarify just what the relationship is. I very much keep a wall of separation between SL and RL, not because it is "roleplaying", but because the relationships take place in two different contexts: each is "real", but each is only "proper" to its context, and dependent on it as well. I know others see it differently, but that's my $0.02.

that's what is known as "emotional cheating" and if it's already happening after only 7 months of marriage, they are doomed. as much as it hurts, and is embarrassing, she needs to boot him out and get on with her life. and if the SL lady keeps him, she's not real bright.

What about a guy I know - he and his wife are happily married in RL but both have different partners in SL.

I think its weird.

they have issues, and i think it's safe to read into it whatever first pops into your head about their 'real' marriage situation.

Well, it depends. Some people may have an understanding or arrangement whereby they are comfortable with their spouse having SL relationships that are confined to SL -- doesn't mean they have "issues" if they are both on board with it and know what is happening.

That's called being judgemental. Only those involved can truly say how they should act and how this affects them.

I totally agree, Daz. I mean, I spend lots of time here in SL, but my RL husband is also my SL husband, and currently he lives 7000 miles away, so SL is a great way for us to hang out together. I would never, ever consider starting an SL relationship with another man. It's cheating on my RL man, no matter how you look at it.

At any rate, this dude in Phoenix needs to get a life. I'd be FURIOUS if I was his RL wife.

No. For *you* it is. For couples who are comfortable with their spouse/partner having a SL relationship with someone else that is confined to SL (or not) the landscape is different. While your views are certainly valid for you and your husband (as it's only your business in the context of that relationship), please don't generalise those views to be applied to everyone.

Guess you don't know much about addiction to call it pathetic.

Addiction is "pathetic" in the truest sense of the word -- pathos. It's not a judgment on the person.