ok so what is it?

Constance, as long as you have a healthy balance of both your rl relationship and your sl life, then you are golden honey. But once you start neglecting your rl relationship for the ones you have in sl, then you need to do some serious re-examinations.

Your real life has to come first, including your real life partner. If this means arranging your playtime around their time they want to spend with you, so be it. Get in a good couple hours with the spouse each day. Go out and do something on the weekends, even if it's just a walk around the block. That time together is just as intimate and fulfilling as any time you spend with any sl partner. It's just a matter of reaching out to make it so.

Second Life is a wonderful way to enhance your life. It adds excitement and wonder and awe and all sorts of things. But it should never control your life, nor should it become your life. Once it does, it's no longer an enhancement, but rather an addiction. And yes, I have known many wive and husbands to leave their spouses because their spouses couldn't get off the computer game for a while.

Long ago.. in another world... far far away... I did fall in love deeply.... and it turned into a complete disaster, because I allowed to get it into Real Life. Luckily the relation I have with my partner was strong enough to survive.

Then we saw it happening with a close online friend. This tragedy went even far beyond the mistake I did make and this person had to leave the online community.

In my relation things turned quickly back to normal and maybe it has become stronger because of it.
As with Angel, there is now high, thick wall between RL and the virtual world. This wall is not to be crossed, in no way.
These days my partner wanders the world of SL as well... and although she said she never would, she has fallen is love.... And as long we listen to the rules we agreed on, all is good.

BTW Angel, over here in The Netherlands gay weddings are allowed too, but as long not all rights are not the same as for hetero marriage, they are not acceptable for me. Specially on the matter of taxes, heritage, children (we have an 18 year old living with us) there are still differences.... but that is another discusion.

Morwen.

Many, many more fine words and views here This must rank as one of the nicest threads ever!
Yes Constance, three months is a long time in SL. When I started then, in-world and here there seemed to be an almost pitched battle as to whether feelings should even be allowed in SL.
I have brought my RL intended to SL and more recently, a long-term RL friend from my younger days. Both live some distance (for UK!) so SL has increased our contact time.
Anyone who read my earlier post might be glad to hear my feared 'triangle' with an SL friend and my alt hasn't happened and I'm clearer on how to disallow it, thankyou Angel.
Someone mentioned how easy it is to start a friendship, filling in blanks with fantasy, the very fibre of the avatar filtering out negative points. This, I think is one of SL's greatest achievements.
From the opening line, you both have the opportunity to cut and run or develop and cultivate. Every subsequent sentence you still have the full power to re-evaluate that. Gone is the RL embarassment of constructing a plausible excuse for leaving or that vulerability of location. You're as likely to meet your long term partner looking at a mall display as in a dance hall for instance. How many of us in real life would let ourselves go with someone we bumped into in Walmart?
Last night my alt met someone whom I tried explaining the dangers of letting RL into SL. I'd phrased it all wrong on the spur of the moment. He knew where I was heading and said 'no, you mean you must let SL be part of your RL'
He'd got it in a nutshell. My alt will not lie. My alt will not cheat. My alt and Bilbo are both part of me.

added: Morwen, sorry to hear of your bad experiences. I'd like to clarify my personal trouble with RL and SL as it were.
Bilbo was a complete fantasy to begin with. Then my fiancee joined and was shocked to meet the SL Bilbo. For her sake I reverted close to true type. I subsequently created my alt not to cheat or deceive but to explore and experiment, surely another of SL's greatest achievements!
Due to locality in-world I hit the brief problem of both avatars meeting the same SL friend.
Now, an RL friend of some years has joined and so have met with Bilbo.
This then is why Bilbo has and does let the RL/SL border blur. Although my alt will not ... they are both still part of me.

Don't worry, Bilbo. As I said, I feel our relation has become stronger of it by surviving this bad time.

Bad times can be usefull if you learn from them... and use what you learn to prevent of it happening again. I (we) learned this lesson very well.

Morwen.

Awesome Angel..I totally agree! I met someone on SL and we're just about ready to get married there. It happens, as simple as that. If anyone would've told me some months ago that I would engage in a marriage in a virtual world, I'd probably would've fallen from my chair and then laugh at them....loudly. But like I said..it just happened and I can honestly say that we really connect in a way that feels very special. Who he is? I don't know..but he's there for me in SL.

Just my two cents..

If there's going to be a wedding ... there's going to be cake? <licks lips>

I totally forgot!! LOL!

When I first joined I never expected the emotional rollercoaster ride I'm on now! It is amazing how people have touched my life and how feelings cross into RL. I have met some amazing friends here, whom I can't imagine living without. People who are halfway accross the globe, people I never would have met if not for SL (one in particular is well on his way of stealing my heart, no matter how hard I try to fight it!).
To some people this might seem a fantasy world, to me this is very real! My avatar basically is an extension of my RL self. One just has to be a bit on the careful side not to get too carried away, because we are all human and not everyone is as sincere and honest as you might be. But then again that's life, we learn from our experiences, the good and the bad.

And Bilbo, Hamradio still is very much alive

I experience that true love CAN find its way on SL. 5 weeks ago, I fell in love with this guy on SL. I was such a noob and he helped me out at first, just being a real gentleman. I was instantly attracted to him, to the calmness he radiated in his IMs.

He held it off at first, but then suddenly got an IM through the mail one day, saying that he couldn't get me out of his head and that he wanted to take it a step further.

We have been unseparable ever since, sending each other love letters by email on a daily basis. I know some people dissaprove of that, argumenting that it's foolish to confuse SL with RL, but as was stated by others (and also in another thread about this topic), we cannot forget that behind every AV, there's a true person, with desires and emotions. So, your AV inevitably contains the real you.

For many persons, that is.. Because what worries me sometimes, is that some persons DO use SL solely for role-playing. I wonder sometimes how far they would go with that. Would they really go this far as to "pretend" a relationship, take this really far, even if they know very well that the person on the other end takes this seriously (is really in love), and would end up getting really hurt? Something inside me finds that hard to believe, but that is probably only because I would not be capable of doing such a thing. I know the big evil world is not always that ideal.

I admit I had that little voice inside me warning for this when I met my boyfriend, and it will probably very silently remain there - just for soul protection - until we take this into RL. But at the same time, I feel a lot of faith. I really and truly feel that I'm trusting this person, putting my very soul into this relationship, which makes me so whole and happy.

I know it's a risk I'm taking, but which I am voluntarily willing to take. Because it is just this kind of risk which also allows you to live life to its fullest. You can't get the magic of life and love, if you keep protecting yourself against getting hurt, let's call it collateral damage.

Hell, I've been hurt so many time in RL too, with real persons lying and cheating on me, so where's the risk difference?

In the meantime, I'm living this romance, which has been the greatest ever. I love my SL boyfriend very much and in 4 months from now, we will meet each other in RL. It's like I have said once before, and it's been reiterated by another person. When you meet in SL, you are not hindered by social status, looks or other factors. All that comes forward in your IM-sessions is your true personality and nothing more, provided that you are both honest and open to each other. I know I am honest and open in this relationship and I truly trust my partner is doing the same. So, in this context, you see each other's personality come forward. And this way, it's really two souls connecting....

And that's the real magic of SL romance, or of any type of online relationship for that matter!!

I hope that everybody who's into mere role-playing on SL (which is fine too), is honest about that too, and does not trick any innocent souls into what they think is true romance and end up hurting them to the bone.

At the same time, I wish anyone of you willing to take this leap of faith into online romance - like I did - the best of luck and hope you will find the guy of your dreams, just like I did!